Trying to shake a resentment

[EasterJoy]

I agree with this. Well, at least it is the path I would take forward in this situation. And then next time, if I really didn’t want to rearrange my date book, I would say no simply, and not give an explanation of what I already had planned. That just opens you up to a person with different priorities deciding that they want to call into question your priorities and assuming what they need you for is more important than what you already had planned. The less information you share with some people, the better. And now you know how this person will treat your time, so you can be on guard against future conflicts. Good luck!

Run your priorities by a spiritual director or a spiritual friend, if you want feedback about your priorities and whether they are worthy of a servant of Christ.

It is* good *to look for correction from the wise, it is bad to rely only on ourselves for feedback about our path to holiness, but it is not wise to look for the opinions of everyone you run into. (This is particularly true of the opinions of those with their own agenda to serve, even if the agenda serves a praiseworthy end.)

 

[nodito]

I agree that you should go ahead and volunteer this time, because you agreed to do it. I’m sorry you’ll miss your workout.

For the future, I have found it helpful to make a habit of neither committing nor declining an invitation on the spot. If asked to volunteer I’d say something like, “Oh, that sounds interesting (or important or fun or whatever)! Let me check my calendar when I get home and I’ll get back to you.” Then you can weigh pros and cons in private and have time to think about what you’d like to say when you rsvp.

 

[jmjZelie]

Run your priorities by a spiritual director or a spiritual friend, if you want feedback about your priorities and whether they are worthy of a servant of Christ.

It is* good *to look for correction from the wise, it is bad to rely only on ourselves for feedback about our path to holiness, but it is not wise to look for the opinions of everyone you run into. (This is particularly true of the opinions of those with their own agenda to serve, even if the agenda serves a praiseworthy end.)

Um, I cannot tell if you are responding to me in disagreement, or if you are expressing agreement and then offering further thoughts on this matter.

 

[EasterJoy]

…For the future, I have found it helpful to make a habit of neither committing nor declining an invitation on the spot. If asked to volunteer I’d say something like, “Oh, that sounds interesting (or important or fun or whatever)! Let me check my calendar when I get home and I’ll get back to you.” Then you can weigh pros and cons in private and have time to think about what you’d like to say when you rsvp.

Excellent advice. It is also OK to say, “That sounds very worthwhile, but it is not the kind of volunteer work I’m interested in doing.” You don’t want someone to keep asking you when you simply do not want to do that kind of volunteer work. People who organize projects need to know when they’re proposing work that doesn’t resonate with their potential volunteers.

 

[newf]

I think you haven’t been in the position of trying to get enough volunteers to staff a parish project. Many of people in that position bend over backwards to try not to pressure anyone, but many others find that a little push to get people out of their comfort zone can lead to a volunteer who was glad they went beyond what they were originally willing to do.

As for “She’ll probably be mad. So what? Who wants to be friends with someone who pressures you into doing things you don’t want to do?” this is not just about thinking about what this is going to do to your social life. It is about not letting down someone whom you told could rely on you. That is called integrity.

Now, Angie could have called the woman the next day and said, “I didn’t want to have a confrontation in front of everyone, so I just went along with you, but I’m here to tell you I am NOT going to be there and you had better NOT pull a stunt like that again. That was unacceptable, you know how I feel, so don’t do it again.” It would be OK to express anger over such a blunt contradiction of the initial refusal and it would be OK to not be too concerned if the woman was not happy to get the correction.

Your idea about calling this woman and asking if she could be flexible about time because you would like to slide your schedule around, however, is a good one. Many people do that, and as long as you are willing to get “no” for an answer, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Sometimes, the organizer finds that the slot you took was the easy one to fill whereas other slots are proving hard to fill. Check in about whether changing times works for the organizer. It can’t hurt to ask, provided you don’t pull your promised contribution without having really been forced by circumstance to do it. Again: That is about having integrity, not about trying to get other people to like you.

Organizers of projects staffed by volunteers ought to take note, however: People you pushed into signing up to help are far more likely to flake out on you. That is predictable. It is tempting to push, but don’t do it. People will resent you, both the people there who really don’t want to be there and the people who are left running your project short-handed because so many of your volunteers let their resentment become an excuse to leave you in the lurch. The next time you try to get volunteers, people will run the other way when they see you coming.

You speak about integrity above, but I say there is no integrity coming from the volunteer seeking lady because she pressured Angie. Therefore there is no need for Angie to placate this lady. That’s my opinion.

I do think people who pressure others to volunteer are focusing on themselves…they want to look good because they organized the project. It’s called pride. And now when someone gets the courage up to say “I really don’t want to be involved”, she is the one who is bad. I just don’t buy it. Sorry.

 

[EasterJoy]

You speak about integrity above, but I say there is no integrity coming from the volunteer seeking lady because she pressured Angie. Therefore there is no need for Angie to placate this lady. That’s my opinion.

I do think people who pressure others to volunteer are focusing on themselves…they want to look good because they organized the project. It’s called pride. And now when someone gets the courage up to say “I really don’t want to be involved”, she is the one who is bad. I just don’t buy it. Sorry.

I have often told my children that if you use the bad behavior of others to excuse bad behavior of your own, you can count on having some of the worst behavior in any room.

Integrity means having a standard of conduct that does not look for excuses to lower itself because of the behavior of others. That is why a person of integrity can be counted on. A person with integrity is reliable. They do what they say they are going to do except when it is simply not possible to do it.

You will notice I advised Angie that the next time she says “no” to this person, she should simply say “no.” The woman has shown she’ll use a reason given as an invitation to argue. You are right: She needs to be given to know that she doesn’t have the standing to argue with the unavailability of someone she wants as a volunteer. Absent a promise such as, “I will make sure I am available to help you next time, cross my heart,” the would-be volunteer has all of that authority.

 

[newf]

I have often told my children that if you use the bad behavior of others to excuse bad behavior of your own, you can count on having some of the worst behavior in any room.

Integrity means having a standard of conduct that does not look for excuses to lower itself because of the behavior of others. That is why a person of integrity can be counted on. A person with integrity is reliable. They do what they say they are going to do except when it is simply not possible to do it.

You will notice I advised Angie that the next time she says “no” to this person, she should simply say “no.” The woman has shown she’ll use a reason given as an invitation to argue. You are right: She needs to be given to know that she doesn’t have the standing to argue with the unavailability of someone she wants as a volunteer. Absent a promise such as, “I will make sure I am available to help you next time, cross my heart,” the would-be volunteer has all of that authority.

I think where we differ is that you call backing out of the volunteering ‘bad behavior’. I don’t think it is. Angie was pressured (aka bullied). Yes, she should’ve said ‘no’ upfront, but she was caught by surprise and her weakness was used against her. I think it is totally okay to say ‘I’ve changed my mind’ even as the event gets closer because it was unfair to begin with. Why should she have to follow through because she was trapped? People like this volunteer lady take advantage of people like Angie. It’s not right. And maybe if Angie cancels out, the lady will think twice before she pressures other people next time.

Ultimately, I do agree that when we commit to something, we need to follow through. But in cases like this, I think there are exceptions.

If

 

[pianistclare]

I can’t believe this turned into such a big deal.
The woman clearly WANTED Angle’s help.
That’s not just desperation for volunteers, that’s a compliment.
It was 2 months ago. Kind of late to be saying “well I didn’t really mean it”.
It’s a church event and we’re coming up on Lent.
Prayer, fasting, almsgiving…and dare I say…volunteering.
The whole point of serving in the vineyard is sacrifice.
It think to go and put on a happy face and be helpful in this instance would be far better than to give of ourselves when we have nothing better to do.
:twocents:

It’s all in your perspective. There’s nothing to be resentful about.
You just stepped into an opportunity to serve. Turn this into a positive.
And in the future, if you really don’t want to help, just say, I’m terribly sorry, I simply can’t.

 

[Allegra]

I think where we differ is that you call backing out of the volunteering ‘bad behavior’. I don’t think it is. Angie was pressured (aka bullied). Yes, she should’ve said ‘no’ upfront, but she was caught by surprise and her weakness was used against her. I think it is totally okay to say ‘I’ve changed my mind’ even as the event gets closer because it was unfair to begin with. Why should she have to follow through because she was trapped? People like this volunteer lady take advantage of people like Angie. It’s not right. And maybe if Angie cancels out, the lady will think twice before she pressures other people next time.

Ultimately, I do agree that when we commit to something, we need to follow through. But in cases like this, I think there are exceptions.

If

I think you are taking it too far regarding the amount of “pressure” exerted. It sounds to me like the organizer of the event asked the OP twice. She didn’t threaten her. She didn’t guilt trip her. She didn’t coerce her. She just asked her. Twice. That doesn’t constitute bullying. I think that the OP does have an obligation to see the work gets done, either by doing it herself, or attempting to find a replacement. She doesn’t say exactly how many more days until the event, but if she acts now, she may be able to find someone else to take her place and then she can go to her workout.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Favorite workout? I’m not even sure what that means,

It is a fitness class and the instructor is really good.

I agree with everyone who was of the opinion because I said yes 2 months ago, I needed to keep my word. Thus the reason for the post, I wrote it because I knew I was going to keep my promise and I just wanted to vent

So I went and oddly enough, I had a good time to my surprise. She ended up inviting a lot of people (not Catholics) that we both know through mutual acquaintances and I got to catch up with people I haven’t seen in months some even probably over a year.

I don’t think there will be a ‘next time’ for another year. Hopefully I will be able to say no or say yes and not be resentful

Angie

 

[EasterJoy]

It is a fitness class and the instructor is really good.

I agree with everyone who was of the opinion because I said yes 2 months ago, I needed to keep my word. Thus the reason for the post, I wrote it because I knew I was going to keep my promise and I just wanted to vent

So I went and oddly enough, I had a good time to my surprise. She ended up inviting a lot of people (not Catholics) that we both know through mutual acquaintances and I got to catch up with people I haven’t seen in months some even probably over a year.

I don’t think there will be a ‘next time’ for another year. Hopefully I will be able to say no or say yes and not be resentful

Angie

You don’t need to apologize for venting, and you don’t need to apologize for setting aside time for exercise that doesn’t allow everyone who needs a volunteer to call on you. I understand why you resent what she pulled on you, but I also applaud you for deciding to be dependable in spite of having to make a sacrifice that was twisted out of you instead of really freely given. I don’t think there is much for it but to be ready for her next time.

 

[heart4home]

You speak about integrity above, but I say there is no integrity coming from the volunteer seeking lady because she pressured Angie. Therefore there is no need for Angie to placate this lady. That’s my opinion.

I do think people who pressure others to volunteer are focusing on themselves…they want to look good because they organized the project. It’s called pride. And now when someone gets the courage up to say “I really don’t want to be involved”, she is the one who is bad. I just don’t buy it. Sorry.

But it sounds like it’s been a while since she said “no" and then allowed herself to be pressured into “yes”. One can change their mind in the next day or two, but not last minute, unless it’s unavoidable. That’s not right, because it’s not likely just the lady who annoyed the OP that will suffer from that decision.

 

[acadiANNA]

My first and better judgment: You made the commitment, now honor that commitment. You will most likely enjoy the time and you can go to your class next week. And it is a worthy cause. I’m glad you went. So why did I say it was ok to cancel?, after all, it was only for one night. I’ve been roped into things and committed before I even knew it. I finally did learn to say no.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m very glad the event turned out better than you had anticipated, Angie.

 

[EasterJoy]

As it turns out, I had something similar to this happen, and I did not say “I beg your pardon” when asked what I was doing. On reflection, I’d suggest something more like this, if you are asked to give the reason you aren’t available:

Oh, I’m sorry, but I don’t share my calendar with other people when I give tell them whether or not I’m available for something. Here’s why: Most people are just asking in order to show they care about my life. It doesn’t matter what I say, they don’t think they have standing to say my other plans aren’t important enough. Unfortunately, I find that some other people mention my plans to others, so that I get inquiries out of the blue about plans that I never intended to share with those particular people. The worst are the ones who think I’m inviting them to comment on whether I’ve done a good job of planning my life, as if they get to decide if my other plan is a “good enough” reason to say I’m not available. Frankly, it is just better to keep my calendar more private. I hope you’ll understand, because that’s my policy. I apply it to everyone, so no one gets their feelings hurt because I don’t put them into the first group.

Then put on a big smile and refuse to take any guff about it.

 

[St_Francis]

It is a fitness class and the instructor is really good.

I agree with everyone who was of the opinion because I said yes 2 months ago, I needed to keep my word. Thus the reason for the post, I wrote it because I knew I was going to keep my promise and I just wanted to vent

So I went and oddly enough, I had a good time to my surprise. She ended up inviting a lot of people (not Catholics) that we both know through mutual acquaintances and I got to catch up with people I haven’t seen in months some even probably over a year.

I don’t think there will be a ‘next time’ for another year. Hopefully I will be able to say no or say yes and not be resentful

Angie

I’m so glad things went better than you thought they would

What I do when asked to commit to something is to say I have to check (my calendar, with my husband, etc). If you say, I’m so honored you are asking me!!! very happily, and then say, let me call you back about that; I have to check my calendar.

Then remember to call back, and say, “I’m so sorry, I find I have already made a commitment to do something else.” Don’t say a plan, say you are *committed *elsewhere. Even if you have only committed to yourself to wash your hair that night…

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It’s tough, isn’t it? We’re all taught to be so *nice! *

 

[Allegra]

It is a fitness class and the instructor is really good.

Angie

Oh well, that’s easy. Next time just say, “Sorry, I have a class.” I’m glad it worked out for you this time.