Trying to stay married

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lacoloratura

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This is going to be very hard for me to write. I am literally at my wits’ end and cannot figure out what God wants me to do…

I love my husband very much. I have started a couple of other threads regarding our religious differences (I’m Catholic, he’s not). If this was the only thing going on, I’m pretty sure we could deal with it. However, we have another issue; one that, on the face of it, doesn’t have anything to do with religion, but is impacted by the fact that I am trying to live as faithfully to God as possible. It’s also affected by the things I understand to be part of a Christian marriage, which are things I definitely want.

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life. I feel that their friendship is closer than a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex. He, on the other hand, does NOT understand why the mere fact of her being female is wrong. His position is that, since they are just friends and are doing nothing wrong (which I believe), why is it wrong for him to have her as a friend? If she was a man, there would be no issue.

I could go on for a very long time about this, but I’ll try to cut to the chase. Forced to make a choice, I don’t think he would choose his marriage over his friendship. This isn’t because he cares more about her than about me, but basically because he values his freedom more than he seems to value our marriage. He does not think it’s fair for him to have to give up EITHER.

He genuinely doesn’t understand my problem with this. He will not stop being friends with her, though he is willing to make an effort to ensure that I don’t feel threatened (we don’t actually live together right now). Weren’t there saints in history who had to deal with things like unfaithful spouses? Not that I think he’s being unfaithful, but you know what I mean. Is this a situation where I should offer my suffering up, or should I give up on the marriage? I have been told by several priests, on different occasions, that we likely have a very good case for annulment.

One last complication: I am a professional singer, and would like to pursue a career as an opera singer. It seems like this would make it hard for me to find a spouse who not only holds my Catholic beliefs, but who would not mind the away-from-home time involved (don’t know if that’s accurate, but I can totally understand someone wanting a spouse who’s actually around!). Actually, I don’t want to be a travelling singer - I just want to have a small local career - but to do that, there’s no avoiding some travelling in the beginning. The man I am married to now is also a musician, and has no problem with this scenario.

So what I’m wondering is - how should I handle this situation as a person who wants to follow Jesus and His Church’s teachings? I know that only I can decide, but I want to do what’s right in His eyes. Is it reasonable of me to look on this as suffering to offer up (for the rest of my life…)? Or is it over the top? Thanks for listening to my ultra-long rant. I am so thankful to have this place to express it.
 
I think you need to pray extra hard for guidance on this one. Of course, we don’t know your whole story so it’s very hard for me to give an opinion. Stay close to the Blessed Mother and keep asking her advice. Another little prayer I like to pray when I’m very confused: “Come, Holy Spirit!”

It’s hard to have real friends of the opposite sex when you are married. You are opening yourself up to all kinds of trouble, even if it starts innocently. If he and his friend spend alone time together I think that’s definitely not appropriate if he is married. Please don’t accuse him of anything, just say it’s not “appropriate” and “it can give people the wrong impression” and “it makes me feel threatened”. Say it in a very loving way. Also, ask him if you had a male friend who was as close to you as his female friend is as close to him, how would he feel? On the surface he may say “fine” but if he really thinks about it…hmmm…

From my experience, I had a male friend in the past (both of us were married). It was not a good idea. Feelings did start to build over time, and though nothing happened, it was not a good situation. That’s all I have to say!
 
This man does not care about YOU. If he did, he would never do something that made you feel threatened or insecure. He is insensitive to your feelings and defiant towards you, which makes me think he is a boy inside (defying ‘mom’). It IS inappropriate for either spouse to have an opposite-sex friend. Sexual tension is simply too strong a force to logic away. And you are separated?? Sounds to me like only YOU are trying to save this marriage. It will take two to make it work. I might not want him around until he makes a choice between ‘having his cake and eating it too.’
 
Dear Beautiful Opera Singer:

How wonderful!!! I adore opera!!! And I am a singer too!!! Where do you live? Are you in a group? (You can PM me if you want to).

About your question:

Here’s the thing. Marriage is for two. Only two. There is no place for another here. Tell your husband this. Tell him you insist he drop the OW, even if he claims she is only his “best friend”. For I believe he is playing with fire here, and perhaps not letting you in on some other stuff as well. Don’t be blind friend.

You cannot stand for this any longer. He has to make a choice. You or her. If he leaves, let it be his choice, but he has got to make one. If he wants to abandon his wife and be a jerk, then it’s his choice, not yours. YOU, friend, stand for truth, and God’s will, just like you’re doing, O.K.? We’re all on your side!!! And praying for you. Be strong.
 
Forced to make a choice, I don’t think he would choose his marriage over his friendship.

I think your above statement tells it all. I seriously think that you need to confront his inappropriate behavior of entertaining a female relationship that encroaches upon the exclusity of the marriage relationship. This can only bear bad fruit. I agree with bboop that it appears that your husband wants his cake and eat it too. You may have to take a risk for the sake of the long term welfare of your marriage and confront your husband as to where his loyalties are and what is his understanding or your marriage commitment. I will pray for you.
 
In response to a couple of posts here…I have already told him how I feel, and I know that if I forced him into a choice he’d leave (for the reasons I stated above). The question is, is it right for me to do that, knowing what will happen? Or do I stay, and pray for his change of heart? It is, of course, not something anyone can tell me the answer to. I just want to do what’s right…
 
My husband has many friends, male and female. Like you and your husband, I am the Catholic, my husband non-Catholic. Like you, I know he isn’t doing anything when he spends time with his female friends, but like you, I get jealous sometimes.

Our solution has been that feelings of jealousy are a joint problem. When I have felt jealous towards one of his female friends, I let him know. Feelings of jealousy are normal. The thing that has worked best for us in this case has been for me to spend more time with his friend… both on my own and as a couple. When she is my friend, too, I have found that I don’t mind if he has lunch with her once in awhile.

BUT… he always tells me EVERY time he will be spending any time with another woman socially and where they will be. They always meet in a public place, and I am always welcome to drop in on them, if I find myself available. He takes the initiative to ensure that my trust is earned. This is a reasonable arrangement.

Research says that women live longer and healther lives if they have lots of female friends. Men live longer and healthier lives if they are married. It seems to me that it is good for one’s health to be around women, at least in our Western culture. But if you really can’t get over this, then tell him so. Always trust that he will go to bat for you and your marriage, unless proven otherwise.
 
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lacoloratura:
In response to a couple of posts here…I have already told him how I feel, and I know that if I forced him into a choice he’d leave (for the reasons I stated above).
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If he would leave, then he is not taking his marriage responsibilities seriously. Marriage is sharing, caring and compromise and the compromise should not make either one of you miserable. He sounds very immature.

I will keep you in my prayers,
Annie
 
Pray.

I was advised to seek an annulment by many, including a priest. Five years later, we are HAPPILY married. The graces have outweighed the sufferings by far. If I had to choose the suffering again to enjoy the life I am blessed with, I would.

Pray.
 
Somehow I missed that you are doing the long-distance thing. (At least I assume that this is why you are not living together.) My husband and I did that, too, for six years, and during that time we both had friends of the opposite sex. As we were in science and medicine and people training in those fields cannot always choose which residency/graduate school/medical school/postdoc they’re going to get, separations of years were not uncommon in our circle. We did get through it, and many other couples we know did as well–the majority, in fact.

If you are in this scenario or one like it, I will make a wager that “best friend” may well also in his professional circle. He may value her professional (name removed by moderator)ut and support very highly, and in his circle, the danger in their relationship is probably not taken as seriously as it should be. Avoiding her might even entail avoiding his whole support group, and with you out of town, he needs one. While some distance from her might be advisable, it may not be likely that you’ll get it. That does not mean you are sunk, not by a long-shot.

Keep talking, keep talking, keep talking to your husband, and when you pray, pray in thanksgiving as well as in petition. Your marriage is in danger, but no one has fallen overboard yet, so try very hard not to let fear run things. Be honest with your husband about your jealousy, but also be his friend: really listen, take an interest in what he does, share your own ups as well as your downs, share some fun things. Don’t let every conversation be heavy and serious. And trust that God can lead you through this, that you can love this man you married without reservation and not fear that you’ll be ashamed in the end, that no matter what happens God will take care of you. Fear and living every possible terrible outcome in your head are your enemies, so try not to go there. Remember to find something to be grateful about and to rejoice about every day. God’s help comes for today’s problems, not tomorrow’s.

PS And find yourself a female friend, too. If you’re not living with your husband, you need outside support and someone to have fun with, too.
 
At the moment, we’re not living together by choice. For a time before this, he lived in another state, at his first “real” job, and I couldn’t find a job there.

His friendship with this woman started when he was a grad assistant with a university marching band; she was a freshman undergrad. Their “bond” came from that organization, and five years later, they’re still very close. She actually just moved back home, in another part of the state, just last week. That said, I sometimes wonder, if we didn’t have so many problems (we used to argue about the dumbest little things…I was so stubborn!!) if he would still be so close to her.

I really appreciate all the varied (name removed by moderator)ut I’m getting here - I think it is helping me to focus my thoughts, in order to figure out what I really want to do. Please continue to pray that I can make a good decision, and that he will (maybe) realize what he’s risking for the sake of a friend!
 
What happend to the forsaking all others??? A good friend of mine “shared” her husband with her best friend (of 35+ years). Her best friend was single and they included her in alot. He left my friend for her friend. It took 15 years for this “friendship” to grow into passion. One step, one memory, one look at a time.Sometimes we need to cut bait
 
I sort of understand where you coming from, by experience. One of my best friends at work is a girl, but she is 23 years younger than me, and divorced. She comes from a catholic family, but doesn’t attend mass anymore. At first, I thought it was my mission to try to get her to come back to the church, but as the years went on, I think we both realized that it could turn into much more than that. I have been married for 25 years, and I had to set myself down, and just realize what a good marriage and a great wife I have. The other girl has since went on a different shift, which I think was a blessing for both of us. We are still friends, but I think we have both learned to keep it just as that, friends and nothing else. Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, until you see all the weeds that go along with it. God be with all married people.
 
lacoloratura
I didn’t get to read all the responses below, but in case no one else has mentioned it I’d like to suggest you go talk to a faithful/orhtodox priest about this. While the forums are great for many things, I wonder if this is the place to find advice and answers to your very personal and painful situation. Just my two cents.

Also if it’s of any help, there are Catholic Marriage counselors out there who may be able to help. See this site where there is a number for contacting one…
exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
…I believe they even have tele-counseling services if you are not in the same area.

God Bless
 
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SteveG:
lacoloratura
I didn’t get to read all the responses below, but in case no one else has mentioned it I’d like to suggest you go talk to a faithful/orhtodox priest about this. While the forums are great for many things, I wonder if this is the place to find advice and answers to your very personal and painful situation. Just my two cents.

Also if it’s of any help, there are Catholic Marriage counselors out there who may be able to help. See this site where there is a number for contacting one…
exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
…I believe they even have tele-counseling services if you are not in the same area.

God Bless
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I concur with Steve G that seeking the counsel of an orthodox priest and looking into a qualified Catholic therapist as an addded resource are great recommendations. However, I think a forum such as this is a safe and anonymous way to initially air out issues before committing to concrete actions on a variety of personal and intimate issues. I believe those seeking advice and (name removed by moderator)ut should always selectively discern other’s (name removed by moderator)ut as “humble opinion” and “words of advice from experience” to quote Steve G’s qualifiers in his previous feedbacks in the Family Forum.

God Bless!
 
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felra:
I believe those seeking advice and (name removed by moderator)ut should always selectively discern other’s (name removed by moderator)ut as “humble opinion” and “words of advice from experience” to quote Steve G’s qualifiers in his previous feedbacks in the Family Forum.
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Good qualifications. I certainly didn’t mean to imply the forums were inappropriate, though I can see how that might have been read. I meant my advice as ‘in addition to’ what is being discussed here, not instead of. Sorry if I wasn’t clear on that.
 
I posted last night, but was too tired to go in depth. I think you have gotten validation for your complaint about your husband. Yes, he shouldn’t be doing what he is doing. That’s obvious. But I am disappointed at the lack of posts with encouragement and hope for your marriage. I thought this was a Catholic board.There were a couple, but the majority seemed to be the old high school … “yeah … he’s a big jerk!”.

I am not trying to invalidate your pain, BUT there is nothing that seems to be uncommen about your situation. ALL marriages have problems. I am not implying that you should be satisfied with the way things are. We should always strive to make our marriages more holy and staying in a bad marriage is not the same as working it out. But too many people give up too quickly, possibly missing the blessings that were just around the corner.

Yes, your husband is being a doo-doo head right now, and if your marriage is near normal then you’re probably being a doo-doo head too!

You need to decide if you are commited to this marriage. If you plan on honoring the vow you took before God … For better or for worse. Your marriage is three-way. You cannot trust yourself to pull this through, nor your husband, but you can trust God.

I remember when things were really bad with my husband. I pretty much hated him, and I could not wait to get out of the marriage. Whether or not I loved him was not an issue, I didn’t. He had killed my love for him. It got to the point where he was barely part of the equation anymore. It was between me and God. I took a vow, and I couldn’t just walk away from it. I wrestled with God. I prayed, grew closer to him and received the graces I needed from him. A tremendous change took place deep within me. It reverberated through my entire marriage. My husband changed also.

The love of Christ is self sacrificing. Is yours? Did in your vow, you place the condition of … as long as it doesn’t interfere with my career? If your vocation is marriage, then that is first and all other things must serve to enhance it. If it is causing conflict, then it must go. No matter how much it hurts. Dying to self is always painful.

Your probably thinking, but he is the one … why should I …? Because you are accountable for your actions before God, regardless of the behaviour of anyone else. His actions do not excuse yours. But more importantly. Your good example will encourage more change in your husband than all of the words you have used to try to convince your husband the error of his ways put together.

Does he look forward to being with you, to talking with you. Do you make him feel loved? Do you allow him to feel loved when he is good to you only, or do you love him for Christs sake. If you love him " the way He has loved you." Self-sacrificing, merciful, steadfast, unchanging … you will see change. For God’s love is faithful, fruitful and life-giving. You WILL see fruits. But first you must pray and be in the position to be the light for your husband. I would advise taking the concentration of off him and putting it on you and your spiritual growth. Leave your husband to God. Trust Him with your husband and with your marriage.
I will be in prayer for your marriage.
 
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Ana:
I posted last night, but was too tired to go in depth. I think you have gotten validation for your complaint about your husband. Yes, he shouldn’t be doing what he is doing. That’s obvious. But I am disappointed at the lack of posts with encouragement and hope for your marriage. I thought this was a Catholic board.There were a couple, but the majority seemed to be the old high school … “yeah … he’s a big jerk!”.

I am not trying to invalidate your pain, BUT there is nothing that seems to be uncommen about your situation. ALL marriages have problems. I am not implying that you should be satisfied with the way things are. We should always strive to make our marriages more holy and staying in a bad marriage is not the same as working it out. But too many people give up too quickly, possibly missing the blessings that were just around the corner.

Yes, your husband is being a doo-doo head right now, and if your marriage is near normal then you’re probably being a doo-doo head too!

You need to decide if you are commited to this marriage. If you plan on honoring the vow you took before God … For better or for worse. Your marriage is three-way. You cannot trust yourself to pull this through, nor your husband, but you can trust God.

I remember when things were really bad with my husband. I pretty much hated him, and I could not wait to get out of the marriage. Whether or not I loved him was not an issue, I didn’t. He had killed my love for him. It got to the point where he was barely part of the equation anymore. It was between me and God. I took a vow, and I couldn’t just walk away from it. I wrestled with God. I prayed, grew closer to him and received the graces I needed from him. A tremendous change took place deep within me. It reverberated through my entire marriage. My husband changed also.

The love of Christ is self sacrificing. Is yours? Did in your vow, you place the condition of … as long as it doesn’t interfere with my career? If your vocation is marriage, then that is first and all other things must serve to enhance it. If it is causing conflict, then it must go. No matter how much it hurts. Dying to self is always painful.

Your probably thinking, but he is the one … why should I …? Because you are accountable for your actions before God, regardless of the behaviour of anyone else. His actions do not excuse yours. But more importantly. Your good example will encourage more change in your husband than all of the words you have used to try to convince your husband the error of his ways put together.

Does he look forward to being with you, to talking with you. Do you make him feel loved? Do you allow him to feel loved when he is good to you only, or do you love him for Christs sake. If you love him " the way He has loved you." Self-sacrificing, merciful, steadfast, unchanging … you will see change. For God’s love is faithful, fruitful and life-giving. You WILL see fruits. But first you must pray and be in the position to be the light for your husband. I would advise taking the concentration of off him and putting it on you and your spiritual growth. Leave your husband to God. Trust Him with your husband and with your marriage.
I will be in prayer for your marriage.
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Wonderful testimony, thank you for sharing this!
 
Ana: That was a wonderful post. It made me think twice about my own marriage and I think you are right. “Give yourself to God and leave it up to him.” I think I’ll take that advice myself. Great advice…:bowdown2:
 
What saved my marriage!

I’ve been married for over 20 yrs now, and like most it hasn’t always been sweet. At one point I wanted to leave my husband more than anything and almost did and than I came across a very old Catholic prayer book. In the back of the book was a list of duties for everyone according to their station in life. The duties of the husband seemed perfect to me, whereas the duties of the wife, well let’s just say it turned the clock back a good 80 years. But right at that moment I made a decision to be the woman in the back of the book. I even read it to my husband, I said I will be this women if you be this man. So I started to live by the statements in the back of the book, even when my husband did not. I also did not worry that he was not living according to the man at the back of the book. I started to take the opinion that if this marriage failed it would not be because I did not do my duties, regardless of what he was doing.
Code: 
And than the strangest thing happened, as I becames the women in the back of the book, he slowly started to resemble the man in the book.   And here we are  - life is not perfect it is not bad either.
May I suggest to all wives out there that they copy and pray this prayer!

**A Wife’s Prayer

O Merciful Lord God, who in the beginning didst take Eve out of the side of Adam and didst give her to him as a helpmate, grant me grace to live worthy of the honorable estate of matrimony to which Thou has called me, that I may love my husband with a pure and chaste love, acknowledging him as my head, and truly reverencing and obeying him in all good things; that thereby I may please him, and live with him in all Christian serenity. Keep me from all worldlisness and vanity. Help me, O lord, that I may, under him, prudently and discreetly guide and govern his household. Let no fault of mine aggravate any sins by which he may be especially tempted; enable me to soothe him in perplexity, to cheer him in difficullty, to refresh him in weariness, and as far as may be, to advise him in doubt. (Give me understanding so to fulfill my part in the education of our children, that they may be our joy in this world and our glory in the next.) Grant that our perfect union here may be the beginning of the still more perfect and blissful union hereafter in Thy kingdom; and this I pray througy Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen
**
 
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