Trying to stay married

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sparkle:
To the OP: Coloratura (sp?)

…It is never God’s plan for divorce. Never. You must know this as a faithful Catholic… Sparkle
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While it may not be “God’s plan” to divorce, it is clear there are imperfect, flawed, weak, addicted, abusive humans who are incapable of making the commitment required to maintain a marriage. This is the reason the Church allows and provides for annulment–without penalty to the spouse who has made every effort to conform his/her life to the marital commitment. You may be one of those individuals who could benefit spiritually from severing yourself from the immoral conduct of your spouse and seeking an annulment. That is not for any of us to decide for you, but it does NOT make you less of a Catholic for considering or pursuing this option or something less permanent like separation and counseling, if done in consultation with your priest.
 
Island Oak:
While it may not be “God’s plan” to divorce, it is clear there are imperfect, flawed, weak, addicted, abusive humans who are incapable of making the commitment required to maintain a marriage. This is the reason the Church allows and provides for annulment–without penalty to the spouse who has made every effort to conform his/her life to the marital commitment. You may be one of those individuals who could benefit spiritually from severing yourself from the immoral conduct of your spouse and seeking an annulment. That is not for any of us to decide for you, but it does NOT make you less of a Catholic for considering or pursuing this option or something less permanent like separation and counseling, if done in consultation with your priest.
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I do ask you IO, do you have a divorce?
 
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sparkle:
To the OP: Coloratura (sp?)

I am very sorry that the above advice was given to you. I totally disagree with it, and think it most unwarranted. There is so much more at stake here than just “offer it up, move on–and pursue your career” mentality. This above poster does not know you, why does she think this is the best advice? I wonder. Please know all on here, speak from their varying experiences, whatever they may be, and this is what they have to offer you. May I offer you my advice now?

It is never God’s plan for divorce. Never. You must know this as a faithful Catholic. Sounds like you dearly love your husband. Have you tried Marriage Encounter? I recommend you do. Are you seeing a Marriage Counselor presently? If not, get one. Have you sought counseling with a priest? Do so. Have YOU gone to confession lately? Do so. Do you have a devotional book you can read daily for strength and sustinence? Try the Magnificat book, it’s marvelous. But friend, hang in there. God will honor your faithfulness, do not ever forget it.🙂
Luv,
Sparkle
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OP - I am so sorry Sparkle took her personal opinion of me out on you. I did not speak of divorce and you know that. She did not read the entire post…You wrote of speaking to several priests about annullment. Sparkle does this quite often. I apologize for her and I hope you will simply ignore the mean spiritedness of her personal attack on me and just look at my post in the spirit that it was written. God bless you.
 
Island Oak:
While it may not be “God’s plan” to divorce, it is clear there are imperfect, flawed, weak, addicted, abusive humans who are incapable of making the commitment required to maintain a marriage. This is the reason the Church allows and provides for annulment–without penalty to the spouse who has made every effort to conform his/her life to the marital commitment. You may be one of those individuals who could benefit spiritually from severing yourself from the immoral conduct of your spouse and seeking an annulment. That is not for any of us to decide for you, but it does NOT make you less of a Catholic for considering or pursuing this option or something less permanent like separation and counseling, if done in consultation with your priest.
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The OP never spoke of divorce - she spoke of annullment. Sparkle is ignoring the fact that the OP has already sought the advice of several priests about an annullment.
The reality is that NOTHING happens in God’s universe by mistake - NOTHING.
 
Island Oak:
While it may not be “God’s plan” to divorce, it is clear there are imperfect, flawed, weak, addicted, abusive humans who are incapable of making the commitment required to maintain a marriage. This is the reason the Church allows and provides for annulment–without penalty to the spouse who has made every effort to conform his/her life to the marital commitment. You may be one of those individuals who could benefit spiritually from severing yourself from the immoral conduct of your spouse and seeking an annulment. That is not for any of us to decide for you, but it does NOT make you less of a Catholic for considering or pursuing this option or something less permanent like separation and counseling, if done in consultation with your priest.
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I have to agree with this advice…And what Leslie (LSK) has said…and yes…I have been divorced, and have gone through the annulment process…and your marriage sound a lot like mine was…minus the fact that I bore two children.

That friendship with the other woman is an emotional affair most likely…which means he is sharing things with her that should be shared with you…spending time with her that should be spent with you, and it is emotional abuse. My ex-husband ended up living with his friend and marrying her within 8 months…
 
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Lillith:
I have to agree with this advice…And what Leslie (LSK) has said…and yes…I have been divorced, and have gone through the annulment process…and your marriage sound a lot like mine was…minus the fact that I bore two children.

That friendship with the other woman is an emotional affair most likely…which means he is sharing things with her that should be shared with you…spending time with her that should be spent with you, and it is emotional abuse. My ex-husband ended up living with his friend and marrying her within 8 months…
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You know, I never thought about it in terms of an ‘emotional affair’ but that is exactly what it sounds like, Lillith.

Father Corapi, and our Catholic Catechism teaches that from evil comes great good. I know what you went through had to have hurt you so much. I also know that you now have a fount of wisdom from which you can share that others cannot - and that is a gift from God.
 
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sparkle:
I do ask you IO, do you have a divorce?
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Myself? No. I have been blessed with 17 years of a healthy marriage. I would never stay with abuse or untreated addiction–both are recognized obstacles to an individual’s capacity to commit to marriage. They are also spiritual suicide and perpetuate a devastating cycle for children who are raised in the midst of such disfunction.
 
Island Oak:
Myself? No. I have been blessed with 17 years of a healthy marriage. I would never stay with abuse or untreated addiction–both are recognized obstacles to an individual’s capacity to commit to marriage. They are also spiritual suicide and perpetuate a devastating cycle for children who are raised in the midst of such disfunction.
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God Bless You “LaColuratora”----(sorry? sp???) -and I for one, do appreciate Your Views: And I think in this way too --you will be deeply and utterly blessed for sticking with your Marriage! I have been married 17 years as well. Yes, I also deeply believe it is, as you say “spiritual and familal suicide” to divorce and get caught up in today’s and the world’s thinking, which is so common even among those on this this Catholic forum, surprisingly, that “You Deserve Better”. This mindset sickens me. Where did the suffering aspect go? suffering to do the right thing? out the window? Guess so in today’s world, in 2005.
God Bless You and Your Dear Husband~~I will keep you and your precious Hubby in my daily prayers today.

Luv,
Sparkle
 
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sparkle:
…Yes, I also deeply believe it is, as you say “spiritual and familal suicide” to divorce and get caught up in today’s and the world’s thinking, which is so common even among those on this this Catholic forum, surprisingly, that “You Deserve Better”. This mindset sickens me… Sparkle
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Were you intending to bash me by quoting my post or is this really directed at the OP? Because nothing in my post evidences a “…you deserve bettter” mindset. My comments concern those who lack the capacity to commit to marriage, whether such incapacity exists at the outset or manifests itself after living as man and wife. This is an entirely distinct problem than abandoning ship because you don’t feel fulfilled, are bored or think the grass is greener elsewhere. To lump all marriage dissolutions together in this way is ill-informed, uncharitable and displays ignorance of the Church’s own recognition that there are people who do not have the capacity to enter or maintain a marriage–and that their spouses do not have a moral obligation to spend a lifetime enduring the resulting abuse.
 
I am no theologian nor am I an expert on the matter, so I might have missed something, but I don’t think that being a good Catholic means remaining in a marriage, where one spouse’s basic rights or safety are threatened. The whole annulment process is designed to determine if the husband and wife were capable of making the vow at the time of their wedding. If they are found to have been incapable of making that commitment, then there was no marriage in the eyes of the church. That marriage is nullified. When I think of suffering in marriage, I guess I think in terms of illness, financial problems, problems with the children, or personality flaws of the other partner. I don’t view major life issues life: physical, emotional, sexual abuse, or mental illness in the same category. And if a spouse is unwilling to work on one of these major problems? These heavy crosses which are so complicated to address are for Jesus to bear, not a spouse, and certainly not their children. But separation is always a good first step so that all parties involved can see the consequences of their actions clearly. It’s not that I am for divorce. I tried in my earlier post to show that I have experienced that as a child and know how damaging divorce is. But I acknowledge that sometimes there is no fix, a marriage needs to end, and people should move forward, sadder and wiser, but grateful that we have a forgiving God who loves us very much.
 
Island Oak:
Were you intending to bash me by quoting my post or is this really directed at the OP? Because nothing in my post evidences a “…you deserve bettter” mindset. My comments concern those who lack the capacity to commit to marriage, whether such incapacity exists at the outset or manifests itself after living as man and wife. This is an entirely distinct problem than abandoning ship because you don’t feel fulfilled, are bored or think the grass is greener elsewhere. To lump all marriage dissolutions together in this way is ill-informed, uncharitable and displays ignorance of the Church’s own recognition that there are people who do not have the capacity to enter or maintain a marriage–and that their spouses do not have a moral obligation to spend a lifetime enduring the resulting abuse.
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Join the club, Island Oak. She has been reported.
 
An interesting thread, but you guys do realize it is over a year old, so the OP has probably (hopefully) sorted this all out and is not going to be reading your comments / questions, right?
 
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lacoloratura:
I can’t stand this anymore. We have nothing in common where it really counts.
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Gosh, how different our lives would be had Jesus broken at any point along the way of His Passion.

He was human when He endured the most gruelling physical and emotional pain a human could ever imagine existing, and yet He stayed the course…

because He saw the Big Picture…

We, too, know the Big Picture…He has revealed it to us through the Church. Do not get caught up with earthly roadblocks…they are there for a purpose…we are to endure in faith…so that God can do His work through our discomfort, pain, anguish, frustration, sufferings, whatever our world considers ‘something to be avoided at all cost’.

No, these trials are not to be avoided ‘at all cost’, they are brought to us for a reason…it may be to change the person doing the damage (many saints are credited for the conversion of their oppressors), it may be to free souls from purgatory, it may be to help us see the light ourselves. One thing is for certain, they are not punishments. They are not God created. We create our own burdens but God gives us the gifts to endure them.

You openly and willingly gave your “YES” to this man. There is no turning back. You can certainly leave him, separate from him, but you cannot divorce him, nor can you enter into a relationship with any other man. Sometimes that is necessary to protect oneself physically and emotionally, so if that is the situation, then your path is clear.

Staying married is easy.
Staying happily married is the challenge.
If you want happy, follow the beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12).
 
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dulcissima:
An interesting thread, but you guys do realize it is over a year old, so the OP has probably (hopefully) sorted this all out and is not going to be reading your comments / questions, right?
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:whistle:

Well, she did last post on June 14th of this year…
 
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dulcissima:
An interesting thread, but you guys do realize it is over a year old, so the OP has probably (hopefully) sorted this all out and is not going to be reading your comments / questions, right?
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she openned it up again
 
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LSK:
Honey, I know you are trying desperately to avoid a painful and inevitable situation…but you may just have to ask Our Lord for the grace to bear up under the suffering you cannot avoid…and that is the suffering of a failed relationship. Offer it up. Move forward on your annullment and pursue your career. If Our Lord wants you to be married, you will be married. If not, you will serve him by way of filling the world with your beautiful voice.
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Good secular marriage counseling. Good worldly advice.
 
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LSK:
If Our Lord wants you to be married, you will be married. If not, you will serve him by way of filling the world with your beautiful voice.
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Except, she IS married…
 
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LSK:
The OP never spoke of divorce - she spoke of annullment. Sparkle is ignoring the fact that the OP has already sought the advice of several priests about an annullment.
The reality is that NOTHING happens in God’s universe by mistake - NOTHING.
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Excuse me, but this doesn’t even make sense… she cannot even begin to petition for an annulment until the civil divorce is done with, the way the US Tribunals work, in spite of Canon Law that says we as Catholics must have permission from the Bishop in order to even separate…

By speaking of an annulment on a Catholic forum, she IS speaking of divorce. Cannot get one without the other.
 
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LSK:
You know, I never thought about it in terms of an ‘emotional affair’ but that is exactly what it sounds like, Lillith.

Father Corapi, and our Catholic Catechism teaches that from evil comes great good. I know what you went through had to have hurt you so much. I also know that you now have a fount of wisdom from which you can share that others cannot - and that is a gift from God.
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Fr Corapi also teaches that it is our vocation to help get our spouse to Heaven, among his other teachings on suffering. Fr Corapi does not counsel to divorce… his comment is that if you LOVE someone, you would want them to be in Heaven.

Archbishop Sheen also teaches differently than today’s usual divorce of leaving/divorcing…
Code: 
Marriage Problems
americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm
 
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