Trying to stay married

[Patrick2340]

Mandi:

What saved my marriage!

I’ve been married for over 20 yrs now, and like most it hasn’t always been sweet. At one point I wanted to leave my husband more than anything and almost did and than I came across a very old Catholic prayer book. In the back of the book was a list of duties for everyone according to their station in life.

Mandi,

Do you still have that list? I’d sure like a copy for myself.

Thanks

 

[chloe]

I don’t think anyone should assume divorce is the answer here. And, that your husband would choose his life/friendships over you is not necessarily true either.

My experience has taught me that if married men/women have friends of opposite sex then it needs to be shared with their other half. It doesn’t mean that your other half has to like him or her, but that you should know the person. If you don’t know this woman then you need to start getting to know her ASAP. Before you pass judgement on what their relationship is - truly friends or more than friends - get to know her and see how they interact together. Use your instincts to get a feeling for what is really happening. But, be careful of jealousy and how that can destroy a marriage.

It does seem to be a trend for unhappy people to seek out friends with the opposite sex if something is missing/broken in their existing relationship. But, it doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed. And, I wouldn’t jump to this conclusion for your own situation at this point unless there are more details you have not shared.

 

[martino]

I think it is good that you have separated, by staying with him you could actually be enabling him. Continue to pray that you will soon reunite, all things are possible. I would not give up just yet, especially if children are involved.

Another observation, that other woman is not a real friend to him, she has come between him and his wife, no true friend would do that. There are probably other things motivating her, and there are probably other things motivating him as well. You can have no part in any of that which is why i think it is good that you have separated.

 

[Ontario]

I would suggest prayer for peace in your heart.

My wife is Baptist (evangelical) and strong in her faith. Although our religious difference cause us not to see eye to eye, I would not expect her to lie to me.

I know our religious differences have caused us to drift apart, and I know we can’t be “soulmates” so to speak because of it. Even before our religious differences I knew that if me and her bestfriend were falling off a cliff, I had better have gone to confession earlier that day…

Although, I can’t feel the same insecurity you have because your husband’s friend is a women, I can share a sense of rejection with you.

My wife looks to friendship now primarily only with Christians. (She has told me in not so many words that I am the only Catholic she knows that is saved).

It is not fun having a mixed-marriage. My wife has refused to allow me to have our children baptised.

The fact that your husband is at another women’s house and lies about it would make me question not only his devotion to you, but possibly his evangelical moral compass. On the other hand if its truly a platonic relationship he has with her, I can share with you that I think in some circumstances my wife would help a member of her church before she would help me, and have seen her become evasive or nuanced if she didn’t want to share the exact nature of a church related activity with me. ie getting me to go to a “Bible Study” which when I get there is really a “Growth Group”. Or saying “there will be Christians from other backgrounds there”, when it really turns out she should have said “Baptists who used to be Anglicans and Catholics”.

I pray every day for my wife.

Also, I had a friendship with a girl in highschool that from my point of view was strictly a friendship. It wasn’t until I moved on to university in another town, that people would tell me of the manipulative things she would do to keep other people away from me. Emergency phone calls to get my attention and console her etc etc.

I would talk to you husband and see if you can’t agree to have the nature of their frienship changed so that get-togethers involve more people then just him and her. Pre-arranged dinner parties. That sort of thing.

I am not sure you wanted to hear all this, but sometimes other peoples stories make your own a little more bearable

Prayer, prayer, prayer gets me through each day.

May God bless you and help your marriage.

 

[lacoloratura]

At this point, the real question is whether or not I can, in good conscience, have children with this man. He will not agree to raise them exclusively Catholic, and I am concerned about causing them confusion in faith. I am also uneasy about some of his moral convictions. I don’t want to wait much longer to have a family! (I don’t want to be paying for college tuition out of my retirement funds!) I’m not exactly running out of time, but I do have to consider this! I am really starting to feel that there is no future here.

 

[sparkle]

lacoloratura:

At this point, the real question is whether or not I can, in good conscience, have children with this man. He will not agree to raise them exclusively Catholic, and I am concerned about causing them confusion in faith. I am also uneasy about some of his moral convictions. I don’t want to wait much longer to have a family! (I don’t want to be paying for college tuition out of my retirement funds!) I’m not exactly running out of time, but I do have to consider this! I am really starting to feel that there is no future here.

Dear Friend:

ASK yourself honestly do you Love Him? Yes or No. If the answer is YES, have faith. If He is a Christian, that’s what is essentially important, not if he’s a Christian or a Catholic Christian.

God Bless~~

 

[hthrlu]

I appreciate the gravity of your situation - I was in a similar situation with my husband. I understand your frustration, and you have every right to feel frustrated. Everyone I knew was telling me that “if he cared about me, he’d quit talking to her”, and as much as that made me feel justified, it didn’t really make me feel better. We fought, DAILY, for over a year. We screamed, cussed, bickered and ignored each other. We went to 4 different counselors and one parish priest. All I wanted was a little space between him and her, and all he wanted was freedom and respect.

Last March, I went to my girlfriend’s bachelorette party. We’d been fighting for 13 solid months by this time, and weren’t really even on speaking terms. We’d both been considering divorce, and openly talking about it. That night, I met a guy, who I flirted with all night long. At the end of the night, I made a date with him for the following weekend. I was sick for the next 3 days, trying to figure out what to do about it. I finally told my husband that I had a date the following weekend. At our next counseling appointment, he surprised me by saying that he didn’t need to talk to her anymore. Whatever. What did I have to lose. I didn’t beleive him, but I didn’t go on that date, either.

Things slowly got better. A few months later, my dad died, and we got closer. A few months after that, his dad died, and we’re even closer for it. Now, we’re talking about buying a house and having a baby. It changed because I quit trying to change it. Once he felt like I gave up, and I wasn’t trying to change him anymore, he could freely give her up. I firmly believe that two things changed the course of my marriage. First, I think that he spent most of that year rebelling. He treated me like his parents, because he felt like I was trying to tell him what to do. Second, I don’t think he wanted me to go on that date, LOL…

I am not saying that you will have the same road, but I don’t think it’s as open-and-shut, or as hopeless as some other posters. I don’t think that he sees it as a her-or-you dichotomy (at least my husband didn’t at the time), he sees it as a him-or-you dichotomy. Is any of this making any sense?

Sorry it’s so long. I wanted to let you know that you’re not crazy and you’re not alone.

Heather
(this is my very first post!)

 

[BLB_Oregon]

lacoloratura:

At this point, the real question is whether or not I can, in good conscience, have children with this man. He will not agree to raise them exclusively Catholic, and I am concerned about causing them confusion in faith. I am also uneasy about some of his moral convictions. I don’t want to wait much longer to have a family! (I don’t want to be paying for college tuition out of my retirement funds!) I’m not exactly running out of time, but I do have to consider this! I am really starting to feel that there is no future here.

You’re married. In good conscience, you need to be open to children. Really, could you imagine telling a child you didn’t have, “We didn’t have you because I was afraid you might not be Catholic”? How do you decide that your husband is not worthy to become a father and reconcile that with your claim that you “love him very much”? Fear is clouding your judgement.

When you start running your life on fears of what might go wrong, it is time to seek spiritual direction. In effect, you are talking about a single-handed divorce, just without the papers. Don’t go there. You are married. Go there, and walk with God. It is both your sacrament and your cross. You know God will meet you there. Trust that. Pursue that. Go there!

 

[Jeremy]

Really, could you imagine telling a child you didn’t have, “We didn’t have you because I was afraid you might not be Catholic”?

Sort of a minor issue, but nobody owes anything, explanations or otherwise, to children who don’t exist, imho.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Jeremy:

Sort of a minor issue, but nobody owes anything, explanations or otherwise, to children who don’t exist, imho.

Well, yes, except in a mental exercise involving imagination. The idea was that part of marriage is being open to children. The assumption that one spouse could decide unilaterally that the other isn’t fit to be a parent is inconsistent with the Catholic understanding of what marriage is. It is a deal breaker.

Even among non-Catholics, most people would be rather appalled to hear from their spouse, “I married you because I love you to bits, but you aren’t fit to be a parent.”

 

[TarAshly]

I can understand your situation. I myself have a best friend who is male and im married. however my husband doesnt feel threatened by this guy because he knows that he is #1 in my life and that my friend is just that my friend. we have been friends since we were literally babies, but i always make sure my husband feels secure. perhaps your husband has given you reason to distrust him. you have every right to feel how you feel. However i think it becomes an issue of control like youre telling him what to do and who to be friends with. DONT give up on your marriage. marriage is a blessing and a gift with no return reciept. you dont want to do something you will regret. have confidence and security in yourself, and offer up your sufferings. God Bless you.

Tara

 

[WhatIf]

lacoloratura:

At this point, the real question is whether or not I can, in good conscience, have children with this man. He will not agree to raise them exclusively Catholic, and I am concerned about causing them confusion in faith. I am also uneasy about some of his moral convictions. I don’t want to wait much longer to have a family! (I don’t want to be paying for college tuition out of my retirement funds!) I’m not exactly running out of time, but I do have to consider this! I am really starting to feel that there is no future here.

I’m just thinking that raising the kids Catholic might not be as big of an issue as your thinking. If he will allow baptism and if he doesn’t attend “his Church” often, then you will be raising your kids Catholic. Right? If I missed a post on his attending Church every Sunday, at least, I’m sorry. I’m guessing that you are much more spiritual than he is and you will have a bigger influence on your kids. The thing is though, should you have kids considering your shaky marriage. Kids get caught in the middle way too often.

I wouldn’t let the difference is religious beliefs be a deciding factor. Your love and COMMITMENT to each other is a bigger factor in my view because each person is on their own “journey with God” and maybe he will become Catholic at a later date. My husband isn’t exactly Cathlic either, but each year, he seems to be moving closer to it. He has allowed Catholic education for them though and I think this helps.

Anyway, if you two are willing to push all things aside for the sake of saving your marriage, then you’ll make it. If you put your career first or if he puts his social life first, then I don’t think you’ll make it through raising kids because that takes a lot of time away from being a “couple” and you need a strong relationship to stay “married with Children” in my opinion.

 

[lacoloratura]

I am not so concerned about my children ending up Catholic, as a) fulfilling the promise I made when we got married that I would do everything I could to raise them Catholic (to which my husband says it’s no big deal if I break the promise!), b) raising them with someone who has some of the scary ideas he has (pornography is not morally wrong, for instance), and c) the fact that he doesn’t care what faith we raise them, as long as it’s not Catholic (the ONLY Christian faith that he objects to). He does go to church every week, but not necessarily to the church he’d choose - he is the music leader for a local Lutheran church, but he himself is Assemblies of God (or at least, that’s where he was raised).

I have learned things about him since our marriage that worry me. I don’t think he’s unfit to be a parent; I just don’t know if it’s morally responsible for me to raise a family with someone who has questionable morals. What will he teach his teenage sons? I can’t help but think about these things!

Additionally, even though he is not seeing much of his friend anymore, he still spends most evenings out with other friends. I hardly ever see him. I can’t stay out until midnight every night, because I have to get up early for work! I wish I could. I’d love to be a night owl!

Finally, I AM open to having children. I’m open to having as many as God wants me to have. However, he isn’t! He wants no more than two, and doesn’t want to use NFP. He already has a daughter, born when he was barely out of high school, and he has never been very consistent about seeing her. He had an argument with her mother last July, and hasn’t spoken to his daughter since. That worries me, too - it doesn’t seem like he’s ready for that responsibility.

Maybe all of this is selfish of me, but you’re right - I AM afraid. I want a stable family, and I know that having a strong male role model is important for all children. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve had some help recently in the form of a book called Pray and Never Lose Heart, by Sr. Ann Shields. It’s really opened my eyes in terms of how I can change to help my prayers be more effective! I highly recommend it - has some insights I never would have thought of.

Well, this has turned into a novel - didn’t mean to! I’m just still so confused and unsure…

 

[lacoloratura]

WhatIf:

Your love and COMMITMENT to each other is a bigger factor in my view because each person is on their own “journey with God” and maybe he will become Catholic at a later date.

Commitment is the thing that concerns me, too!

 

[LSK]

Just a thought -

I have been one of those women who have ended up being the object of someone’s jealousy when I had no intentions or interest in their spouses, boyfriends, fathers, brothers etc. I am not a raving beauty - in fact I a short fat little Irish Italian girl - but I am at ease and comfort with people of both sexes and this is most often misinterpreted by females rather than males.

ON THE OTHER HAND - if something truly makes a spouse unhappy, i.e. the friendship with someone he or she disapproves of, you would think the friendship would be given the heave-ho. This would not, of course, apply to an abusive spouse who is trying to simply isolate their mate from family and friends.

My last question would be this - do you think you should be married? Not all of us should be - and if your dream of using the wonderful gift that God gave you is one that is your passion then perhaps you should consider doing it as a single Catholic woman and forgo marriage until your career is established? It’s just an idea.

Hang in there - may the Blessed Virgin guide you and you will be in my prayers.

 

[StevenAC]

Wow- I read/skimmed this whole thread just now. I was amazed by many of the messages. I am a divorced man who went through the same kind of situation. My ex-wife had several affairs during our marriage and I always believed her that those relationships were platonic until I walked in on her one day. She used anger to intimidate me whenever I doubted her., even after catching her red-handed in our home!! I was convicted to the covenant I had agreed to, but she wasn’t. Marriage is entirely based on trust. If he lied to you about that woman once, even though she is out of the picture (or is she?) what’s to keep him from lying again. I never really trusted my ex-wife after her first “suspected” affair and time bore that distrust out. People who can have affairs are very effective liers.

Reading between the lines, I sense many of the same things here.  The bottom line is, is your husband in a covenantal marriage?  That is a tough question to answer, I realize.  I apologize if my late post reopens any wounds, I am just giving you my perspective from someone who was lied to for 12 years.

I truly believe in the sacramental nature of Catholic marriage.  I hope both you and your husband can honor that commitment.  I am just trying to warn you about trusting someone who lies about a friendship with the opposite sex.  Thanks for sharing and you are in my prayers.  SAC

 

[MaggieOH]

Is this marriage worth saving? With all of the doubts and the problems, especially the suspected adultery, I doubt that this marriage meets Sacramental requirements.

It sounds like he is not committed to being married to you. First he has a woman friend and is not being strictly honest about the relationship. Second, he is not open to children. Third, you have reason to doubt his moral values. Fourth, he lacks responsibility where is only daughter is concerned.

I do not want to alarm you, but if he has that kind of attitude towards pornography and you had daughters to him, do you really think that you could trust him with them alone?

Maggie

 

[Konig]

lacoloratura:

here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life. I feel that their friendship is closer than a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex. He, on the other hand, does NOT understand why the mere fact of her being female is wrong.

Hey I only read a few responses so will be in the minority, maybe a minority of one. My best friend is a woman. My wife doesn’t mind a bit tho-big difference from your situation. Most everyone here condemns it but the catechism doesn’t. It says opposite and same sex friends are a good thing. ccc2347 My friend is the best possible friend as far as praying for our family and our problems. Our kids get along great. I really like her husband and my wife likes my friend. We all get along very well but the key friendship is between me and my female friend. My wife and friend know that my wife comes first in my life. It’s just that my friend is such a good and holy person that there is no way anyone would want her to be less involved in our lives because of some possibility something may happen. It could have happened and didn’t. I just wanted to say one can be very close friends w/ an opposite sex friend and just be that–FRIENDS.

 

[Konig]

lacoloratura:

This is going to be very hard for me to write. I am literally at my wits’ end and cannot figure out what God wants me to do…

I love my husband very much. I have started a couple of other threads regarding our religious differences (I’m Catholic, he’s not). If this was the only thing going on, I’m pretty sure we could deal with it. However, we have another issue; one that, on the face of it, doesn’t have anything to do with religion, but is impacted by the fact that I am trying to live as faithfully to God as possible. It’s also affected by the things I understand to be part of a Christian marriage, which are things I definitely want.

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life. I feel that their friendship is closer than a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex. He, on the other hand, does NOT understand why the mere fact of her being female is wrong. His position is that, since they are just friends and are doing nothing wrong (which I believe), why is it wrong for him to have her as a friend? If she was a man, there would be no issue.

I could go on for a very long time about this, but I’ll try to cut to the chase. Forced to make a choice, I don’t think he would choose his marriage over his friendship. This isn’t because he cares more about her than about me, but basically because he values his freedom more than he seems to value our marriage. He does not think it’s fair for him to have to give up EITHER.

He genuinely doesn’t understand my problem with this. He will not stop being friends with her, though he is willing to make an effort to ensure that I don’t feel threatened (we don’t actually live together right now). Weren’t there saints in history who had to deal with things like unfaithful spouses? Not that I think he’s being unfaithful, but you know what I mean. Is this a situation where I should offer my suffering up, or should I give up on the marriage? I have been told by several priests, on different occasions, that we likely have a very good case for annulment.

One last complication: I am a professional singer, and would like to pursue a career as an opera singer. It seems like this would make it hard for me to find a spouse who not only holds my Catholic beliefs, but who would not mind the away-from-home time involved (don’t know if that’s accurate, but I can totally understand someone wanting a spouse who’s actually around!). Actually, I don’t want to be a travelling singer - I just want to have a small local career - but to do that, there’s no avoiding some travelling in the beginning. The man I am married to now is also a musician, and has no problem with this scenario.

So what I’m wondering is - how should I handle this situation as a person who wants to follow Jesus and His Church’s teachings? I know that only I can decide, but I want to do what’s right in His eyes. Is it reasonable of me to look on this as suffering to offer up (for the rest of my life…)? Or is it over the top? Thanks for listening to my ultra-long rant. I am so thankful to have this place to express it.

 

[metusdominis]

I bet that your husband is committing emotional adultery with that woman. And another thing… check if he’s using pornography. Confront him on the issue, and let everybody know what’s going on, but be perfectly professional about it, not appearing to be “needy” or weak. I hope it’s not too late.