Trying to stay married

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Greetings
My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary next Feb. It has not always been easy and looking back, it amazes me what we have come through.

When we got married, a divorced Catholic was out of the question. Getting a civil divorce was really hard. You had to have proveable grounds. Many people had to temporarily re-locate in places like Nevada where it was the grounds were more lax.

Because of this, some people stayed together in really awful situations. However, most folks just learned to work through problems. Very often, it was very hard work. Few people had the resources we have today, Marriage counseling was rare. Mostly we talked to priests or ministers.

I can tell you this, we worked through a lot worse problems before separating than people do now.

During my marriage, I ran our Arabian Horse ranch while my husband worked in manufacturing management. He had a masters degree just for some background.

I had many male friends in the horse business. They came and visited me during the day when my husband was away from home. Many of them were married men. We were just friends. One of my very best friends is a Catholic Priest. We also socialized together.

My husband and my lover was the man I married. He knew that, I knew that and my friends knew that. I do not believe for one minute that folks of opposit sexes cannot be very close friends.

As far as the Church is concerned, divorce is still not an option. If annulment is, then you need to find out WHY, your marriage is not valid in the eyes of the Church. If annulment is an option for you, you do not wait to see if the marriage is going to work and use annulment in place of a divorce. How can God bless an invalid marriage? That should be checked and fixed.

One thing you said really caught my attention. I don’t remember your exact words but you said that your husband didn’t want you to make his decision for him where his friend was concerned. He wanted the right to choose his friends. It also seemed like you were not included in this friendship. Is that your choice? Don’t you like this woman? Why isn’t she both your friends? Do you put him in a situation that for him to keep her as a friend, they are alone together?

My advise would be to keep him under your roof. Allow him to have this friend and you become part of the friendship. Make him feel secure in your trust for him. Put him first in your life, treat him like he is. Be affectionate and compliment him. Love him. Then, I really recommend Couples for Christ.
What you need to work at is your relationship with your husband. You can not do a single thing about how he treats you but you can do amazing things in how you treat him.

Men are very simple creatures. Women are the complex ones. You treat your man like he is king of the Universe and he will treat you like a queen.

Very often it is the other woman who treats him like a king.
 
I am glad to hear things are improving for you! From my own experience with my marriage of 18yrs., when I FINALLY shifted my eyes to myself, instead of dh as the problem and strove to be the person God wanted me to be, that is when things started changing with our marriage. I guess that ehoes Ana’s wonderful post, she said exactly what I have experienced!
Dawn
 
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Lilyofthevalley:

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life​

I don’t blame you. #1 your husband’s priority is you. IF he knows this makes you uncomfortable he should invite YOU to every outing with this woman.

#2. I don’t know of many men who have a women as a best friend who they are not physical with if you get my drift… Seriously you should be his best friend.
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Um acutally you very wrong. I know many men with female friends but ressist having sexual realtions with them. The male gender isnt just full of men who will do anything for sex. If she had a best male friend and the husband wanted to go everywhere with them so he made sure nothing happened wouldnt you consider that intrusive? Maybe he needs someone to talk to and i find it easier to talk "deep? with someone of the female race because i can talk better with them. I think your making a presumption on a stereotype.
 
I had many male friends in the horse business. They came and visited me during the day when my husband was away from home. Many of them were married men. We were just friends. **One of my very best friends is a Catholic Priest. We also socialized together. **

My husband and my lover was the man I married. He knew that, I knew that and my friends knew that. I do not believe for one minute that folks of opposit sexes cannot be very close friends.

Thank you for this post. Most of my better friends are men. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad and my brother were the stable folks in my life. I did not trust girls or women. My best friend is a Catholic Priest. He is faithful to his vocation and I am faithful to mine. My husband is not a Catholic, he is a great fellow, but he does not really like to talk about the Faith at all. My priest friend does, and he is also offering one Mass a week for my hubby’s conversion (he is sunk, he just doesn’t know it!)
Bottom line, mature faithful people can most certainly have opposite sexed friends, immature unfaithful folks cannot. It has very little to do with who your FRIENDS are… it has to do with who YOU are…
kate sciacca
 
Well, perhaps I spoke too soon. Last night I caught him in a HUGE lie (he has a history of lying to me about this woman, because he says I’ll just get angry and we’ll have an argument, and he doesn’t want to deal with it). It was his birthday, and we both had to work, so we weren’t going to be able to spend it together. I called him last night, having discovered that he went to visit her a couple of weekends ago (she lives in another part of the state) and lied to me about it (and, by the way, he got very angry at me for not trusting him!!!). I asked him if she was with him now…he said no…I drove to his house anyway, and there was her truck in the driveway!

He says he doesn’t know if he wants to stay married. We have differences of religion that cause problems, too (he’s not Catholic, but evangelical/fundamentalist, sort of), and he’s not sure he wants to make the sacrifices necessary for a marriage in light of that. I was ready to move back in - was going to try to forgive him for the past - and now he says he wants time to think, and he’ll call me on Sunday!

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I told him that, although I was very angry and disappointed in him, I still love him and am willing to work through this. Unfortunately, I can’t force him to let me. I also told him I had wanted to move back in so that I could practice the things I’ve read and talked about here. Now I may not get the chance.

I’m going to ask him to read this thread. Please, please, continue to pray! Storm heaven for the next three days! 🙂 I am so thankful for all the support I’ve seen here. Thank you - you are all saints in my book!
 
‘trying to stay married’,
you can add me to the list of people praying for you. I admire your courage and strength. I know God will give you the grace that you need to get thru this. Ultimately, it is all in God’s hands and He is faithful, He will take care of you. My heart breaks for you because I have been there. My ex-husband chose all of his friends over me, not sure he wanted to be married, didn’t like his freedom curtailed by marriage. I was totally devoted to him and he betrayed my trust. No one but God knows how this will end - but know that He is holding your hand and knows your suffering. His was the ultimate betrayal. I pray you have supportive family and friends. God sends angels to help us on our journey. God bless you.
 
Seems to me the real issue isn’t the female friend as much as your husband wanting his “freedom” more than anything else. Seems to me if the friend weren’t in the picture he would have something else in that spot as a way of protecting his perception of freedom.

Instead of asking him to get rid of his friend. Focus on what you have and can have together. Make your life together so interesting that he loses interest in outside buddies. I am not saying she isn’t a problem I am saying the soln. is somewhere else. The more you focus on her the more he will defend his position and need for freedom.

Come up with a couple of things you can do for him that show him you love him, in his language, and start doing them. If you can’t think of any ask him.

Regarding your desire to be a singer. Seems that this is a separte issue and there are ways to do both, save your marriage and find ways to use your voice.

Just my ramblings.
Ms. Cilantro
 
Well - it’s been a while since I logged on! I’ve been soooo busy with work (two different Catholic schools) I have hardly had time for anything.

Thought I’d put in a little update, though - the friendship is no longer the issue; he isn’t really talking to her anymore! So prayers do work. We’re living together again, which has been good up until last weekend when our other issue raised its head again: he isn’t Catholic and doesn’t want to raise his children Catholic. So we’re back to square one. When we got married, I didn’t care about that as much as I do now. Please keep praying that God will provide a miracle - because I think that’s what it’s going to take!
 
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lacoloratura:
Thought I’d put in a little update, though - the friendship is no longer the issue; he isn’t really talking to her anymore! So prayers do work. We’re living together again, which has been good up until last weekend when our other issue raised its head again: he isn’t Catholic and doesn’t want to raise his children Catholic. So we’re back to square one. When we got married, I didn’t care about that as much as I do now. Please keep praying that God will provide a miracle - because I think that’s what it’s going to take!
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God will continue to provide the Graces you need to be faithful to Him. I am so glad to hear of the improvement in your situation. I wouldn’t say your back to square one, instead another cross. A cross without him hurts and destroys. A cross with Him, hurts and ends in victory.

God bless!
 
Thank you for the encouraging words! I just hope he will not decide to leave me before things come full circle…God works in His own time, but after 5 difficult years of marriage, my husband (whose faith also doesn’t bar divorce) may be tired of waiting!
 
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lacoloratura:
Thank you for the encouraging words! I just hope he will not decide to leave me before things come full circle…God works in His own time, but after 5 difficult years of marriage, my husband (whose faith also doesn’t bar divorce) may be tired of waiting!
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He BETTER NOT leave you!!:tsktsk: I will be praying for you (and hubby).:yup:
 
Just a quick “hello” to let you know that you are not the only Catholic wife out here who is married to a non-Catholic. I also didn’t care about my faith when we married, however, I did say I wanted to raise our kids Catholic and he didn’t have a problem with that at the time, and he continues to allow me to raise our daughter in the Church. I don’t think he ever expected me to become devout, and that has created definite challenges.

The bible does tell us that when a Christian is married to a non-believer, the Christian is to continue to pray for their spouse, as our spouse can be sanctified through our prayers. St. Rita is an excellent example of this, as is St. Monica (the mother of St. Augustine, a notorious party boy while growing up and through-out his early adulthood). It was through St. Monica’s intersessory prayers (and most likely her patient example of Christian Charity) that both her son and her husband came into the Church. So, we know it can be done, and even in very difficult cases (read about St. Rita, her husband was supposedly not a very nice person, who worked as a tax collector).

I too, would very easily be given an annulment. However, remember that the Church looks at all marriages as valid unless proven otherwise. Therefore, as wives, I believe it is our responsibility to love our husbands and pray for them while we continue to work towards a happier married life. If, on the other hand, your non-Catholic husband leaves you, through no fault or encouragement on your part, you are free to pursue the annulment if you feel called to do so. But please, focus first and foremost on being committed to this relationship.

As you’ve pointed out, God works on His timeline, not ours. I know I have learned SO MUCH about how to forgive in the past year. I can hardly believe that it was only a few years ago, I was telling someone how difficult it is (was) for me to forgive, that I just hold onto things without knowing how to let go. I am happy to report that with the numerous times I have had to repeatedly forgive, I can now do so without even batting an eyelash. I have seen this with a sibling who is a challenge, and I see it at home. Perhaps there are virtues in which you are meant to grow and this is your opportunity to accept the challenge and become more the person God intends you to be.

Remember, we are meant to help sanctify our spouses. This means, he is also meant to help sanctify you. And this is most effectively done through our faults, as this is where virtues come into play if we are to stay together.

God Bless as you continue your journey,

CARose
 
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Ana:
I posted last night, but was too tired to go in depth. I think you have gotten validation for your complaint about your husband. Yes, he shouldn’t be doing what he is doing. That’s obvious. But I am disappointed at the lack of posts with encouragement and hope for your marriage. I thought this was a Catholic board.There were a couple, but the majority seemed to be the old high school … “yeah … he’s a big jerk!”.

I am not trying to invalidate your pain, BUT there is nothing that seems to be uncommen about your situation. ALL marriages have problems. I am not implying that you should be satisfied with the way things are. We should always strive to make our marriages more holy and staying in a bad marriage is not the same as working it out. But too many people give up too quickly, possibly missing the blessings that were just around the corner.

Yes, your husband is being a doo-doo head right now, and if your marriage is near normal then you’re probably being a doo-doo head too!

You need to decide if you are commited to this marriage. If you plan on honoring the vow you took before God … For better or for worse. Your marriage is three-way. You cannot trust yourself to pull this through, nor your husband, but you can trust God.

I remember when things were really bad with my husband. I pretty much hated him, and I could not wait to get out of the marriage. Whether or not I loved him was not an issue, I didn’t. He had killed my love for him. It got to the point where he was barely part of the equation anymore. It was between me and God. I took a vow, and I couldn’t just walk away from it. I wrestled with God. I prayed, grew closer to him and received the graces I needed from him. A tremendous change took place deep within me. It reverberated through my entire marriage. My husband changed also.

The love of Christ is self sacrificing. Is yours? Did in your vow, you place the condition of … as long as it doesn’t interfere with my career? If your vocation is marriage, then that is first and all other things must serve to enhance it. If it is causing conflict, then it must go. No matter how much it hurts. Dying to self is always painful.

Your probably thinking, but he is the one … why should I …? Because you are accountable for your actions before God, regardless of the behaviour of anyone else. His actions do not excuse yours. But more importantly. Your good example will encourage more change in your husband than all of the words you have used to try to convince your husband the error of his ways put together.

Does he look forward to being with you, to talking with you. Do you make him feel loved? Do you allow him to feel loved when he is good to you only, or do you love him for Christs sake. If you love him " the way He has loved you." Self-sacrificing, merciful, steadfast, unchanging … you will see change. For God’s love is faithful, fruitful and life-giving. You WILL see fruits. But first you must pray and be in the position to be the light for your husband. I would advise taking the concentration of off him and putting it on you and your spiritual growth. Leave your husband to God. Trust Him with your husband and with your marriage.
I will be in prayer for your marriage.
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That was simply beautiful Ana!

God Bless
Sandy
 
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lacoloratura:
Well - it’s been a while since I logged on! I’ve been soooo busy with work (two different Catholic schools) I have hardly had time for anything.

Thought I’d put in a little update, though - the friendship is no longer the issue; he isn’t really talking to her anymore! So prayers do work. We’re living together again, which has been good up until last weekend when our other issue raised its head again: he isn’t Catholic and doesn’t want to raise his children Catholic. So we’re back to square one. When we got married, I didn’t care about that as much as I do now. Please keep praying that God will provide a miracle - because I think that’s what it’s going to take!
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That sounds like very good news…and I will continue to pray for you…🙂

My counselor recommended a very good book for my husband and I and it deals with the issue of having friends of the opposite sex and how it isn’t appropriate. My husband had a few close female friends (one was even an ex-fiance!) and I was never comfortable with it…in fact it made me feel even more insecure than I already am! The book is “Emotional Infedility” by M.Gary Neuman. I read it through and my husband is half-way through and seems to agree with the author…and he told me that he will no longer keep in touch with his female friends.

I have no idea why, but it seems as if men are clueless when it comes to our feelings and if we try and tell them how their behavior is hurting us, they get defensive. It always seems to take someone else (usually a professional) to finally get the message across to my husband.

Before I get reprimanded by the men on this forum, I wasn’t trying to generalize! 😉

Take care and God Bless

Sandy
 
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Ana:
Pray.

I was advised to seek an annulment by many, including a priest. Five years later, we are HAPPILY married. The graces have outweighed the sufferings by far. If I had to choose the suffering again to enjoy the life I am blessed with, I would.

Pray.
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Absolutely. 15 years ago, I wouldn’t give a plugged nickel that my marriage would survive, much less THRIVE for the next ten years. Growth is hard. Dying to the world is hard. Giving up pride is hard. But sooooooo worth it.

Find a parish with Perpetual Adoration. It will change your heart, your life, and your family. Ask Our Lady to help you be the kind of wife she was.

And remember charity above all in talking with your husband. Do not play a victim role. It is inappropriate at best and a near occasion of sin at worst that he would have a private friendship with a woman. Ask him what you can do to make him feel that you are his friend. Be open to any feedback he has. Really HEAR him. Learn to pick your battles. Some things are just not important to fight about.

I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.
Sue
 
Dear Lacoloratura,
You asked at the beginning if there were Saints who dealt with marriage problems like yours. One of my favorite Saints (Monica) did and her husband, Patricius, ended up changing his ways and converting to Catholicism because of her patient love and example. Try to get the little book by F.A. Forbes called, Saint Monica, Model of Christian Mothers. Tan Books publishes it. I think there is much in it that can help you. I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
God bless,
Gayle
 
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lacoloratura:
Well, perhaps I spoke too soon. Last night I caught him in a HUGE lie (he has a history of lying to me about this woman, because he says I’ll just get angry and we’ll have an argument, and he doesn’t want to deal with it). It was his birthday, and we both had to work, so we weren’t going to be able to spend it together. I called him last night, having discovered that he went to visit her a couple of weekends ago (she lives in another part of the state) and lied to me about it (and, by the way, he got very angry at me for not trusting him!!!). I asked him if she was with him now…he said no…I drove to his house anyway, and there was her truck in the driveway!

He says he doesn’t know if he wants to stay married. We have differences of religion that cause problems, too (he’s not Catholic, but evangelical/fundamentalist, sort of), and he’s not sure he wants to make the sacrifices necessary for a marriage in light of that. I was ready to move back in - was going to try to forgive him for the past - and now he says he wants time to think, and he’ll call me on Sunday!

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I told him that, although I was very angry and disappointed in him, I still love him and am willing to work through this. Unfortunately, I can’t force him to let me. I also told him I had wanted to move back in so that I could practice the things I’ve read and talked about here. Now I may not get the chance.

I’m going to ask him to read this thread. Please, please, continue to pray! Storm heaven for the next three days! 🙂 I am so thankful for all the support I’ve seen here. Thank you - you are all saints in my book!
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MY BROTHER WHO IS AT THE VERY LEAST PAGON CAME TO STAY AT MY HOME, WITH MY HUSBAND AND I LAST YEAR WHEN MY FATHER WAS DYING OF CANCER. WITH HIM,MY NIECES MOM WHO WAS MARRIED BUT ALSO HAVING SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE WOULD COME TO MY HOUSE, ALL THE TIME. I WOULD LEAVE TO GROCERY SHOP AND SHE WOULD BE THERE. MY HUSBAND STARTED TREATING ME DIFFERENT AND WOULD FLIRT WITH HER AND VICE VERSA INFRONT OF MY FACE.AT ONE POINT I HAD TO GO AND CARE FOR MY DAD FOR THREE DAYS.mY NIECES GRANDFATHER TOLD ME ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS GONE, MY HUSBAND MADE A PASS AT HER,HE HAD GOTTEN DRUNK, THAT WAS THE EXCUSE. IN FACT HE SAID HE DIDN’T REMEMBER IT.i WAS DEVESTADE TO SAY THE VERY LEAST.HE ACTED ANGRY AT ME FOR MY REACTION. MEN SOMETIMES REACT THAT WAY BEAUSE GUILT COMES OUT SOME WAY.I LEARNED ALOT LAST YEAR, IF YOUR ASSOCIATES HAVE NO MORALS AND YOUR SPOUSE IS AROUND THAT AT ALL TIMES,YOUR ASKING FOR TROUBLE.AS FAR AS FEMALE FREINDS, THEY SHOULDN’T COME BEFORE THEIR WIFE,AND IT IS NOT PRUDENT FOR THEM TO BE ALONE WITH THEM.THAT GOES FOR WOMEN,TOO.THERE ARE ROUGH TIMES IN MARRIAGES AND IN VULNERABLE STATES WE HUMANS CAN BE STUPID DON’T ASK FOR TROUBLE.THE WOUND OF INFEDELITY RUNS DEEP AND HURTS REALLY BAD.I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.PLEASE IF YOU WANT TO TRY TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK AND HE DOES TOO, YOU NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER.AND THE TWO BECOME ONE.GOD BLESS
 
It’s me again. Here is an excerpt from the book, St. Monica, Model of Christian Mothers that I find appropriate for your situation.

(when counseling friends in similiar situations) St. Monica would tell them to be patient, and love and pray, and meet harshness with gentleness, and abuse with silence. When they (her friends) sometimes answered that it would seem weak to knock under in such a fashion, Monica would ask them if they thought it needed more strength to speak or to be silent when provoked, and which was easier, to smile or to sulk when insulted? Many homes were happier in consequence, for Monica had a particular gift for making peace and even as a child had settled quarrels of her young companions to everybody’s satisfaction.
 
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