Trying to stay married

[chloe]

LauraL:

lacoloratura,
, both couple are living separate lives sharing a common address, despite whatever affections they may have for one another. I feel so helpless, because I know these things… and there is no way I can enter the subject with either one of the women without revealing what I know about their private sorrow.

.

Laura - shame on you that you don’t feel that you should say anything to these women! By chance did it ever occur to you that maybe you could actually help them if you let them know?!!! Some people are totally ignorant and choose to live their life a certain way but others may be able to take this information and change their lives for the better. I find it a serious morally wrong choice when one person knows of another betraying their spouse and they do nothing. Hopefully that never happens to you.

 

[lacoloratura]

Things are just going downhill…Is it too much to ask that my husband come home in the evenings? How many married people make a habit of visiting their friends for several hours at a time, several days a week? Plus most of the day Sunday. Can you tell I’m frustrated? I should have listened to all the people who told me not to marry him…I feel abandoned by him, and miserable. I see no way that we can ever make each other happy. If it were just ONE of these many issues, maybe we could work it out, but with so many things - ! I should have listened to my uncle, the Jesuit, who refused to marry us…

 

[Island_Oak]

lacoloratura:

Things are just going downhill…Is it too much to ask that my husband come home in the evenings? How many married people make a habit of visiting their friends for several hours at a time, several days a week? Plus most of the day Sunday. Can you tell I’m frustrated? I should have listened to all the people who told me not to marry him…I feel abandoned by him, and miserable. I see no way that we can ever make each other happy. If it were just ONE of these many issues, maybe we could work it out, but with so many things - ! I should have listened to my uncle, the Jesuit, who refused to marry us…

My dear neighbor in the NW…I am pained for you to see how long this emotional torment has continued unabated. What steps have you taken in the last six months to address and correct the problems in your marriage? (You don’t have to spell it out here, but think about it.)

I haven’t read all the posts and am not sure if you & your husband have attempted counseling. Whether you have or not–you would benefit from some professional support, even if he refuses to participate. You have a difficult task ahead of you and need to face it in as solid and reasonable a state as is possible.

Every marriage is different, but there are some basics that are non-negotiable (fidelity, honesty, freedom from neglect/abuse…etc.) Marriage is not a call to suffer in silence when problems arise, but there are no easy or quick solutions here. You must start the process of identifying for yourself the needs that are going unmet. If you have not already, it is essential that you communicate both that your marriage is a priority for you, but that you have needs and boundaries he must honor. His response to this communication will tell you a lot about the future of your marriage.

In addition, make the effort to solicit from him any unmet needs or buried conflict that has pulled the two of you apart–at this point he can’t be living under any delusions that everything is fine. Given the amount of time that has already passed, you should also determine a time frame for remedying these issues as well as consequences if they are not adequately addressed.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[Eliza10]

I stayed married twenty years to a man who did not love me. I was Evangelical, followed teachign on submission - it only made him more selfish and dismissive.

Then I converted to Catholisicm, which is a long story. It was extremely difficult initially, but God gave me graces to get through the conversion, and it was not so bad after. I think God brought me to the Catholic Church so I could have the graces to face what He knew was coming next.

The Priest I consulted with concerning my conversion told me what I had was “not a marriage” - it could be annulled. I was frankly shocked, and ignored this suggestion – divorce was completely out of the question to me, ever. I would wait for God to do a miracle in my husband - I knew that was what it would take.

The next year, my eyes were finally opened to the extreme verbally and emotionally abusive nature of the marraige. With expert help, I began to stand up for myself. My husband saw his game was up, and pretended to be working on his anger problems.

So I continued with married life as I always had - every day I walked on eggshells, every day I put all my energy into “hanging on” to the marriage. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was now secretly looking elsewhere.

He was a proud member of Promise Keepers, and I acccepted that how he presented himself was how he was. In that way I projected my values onto him. But my values were never his values, and if I had looked at him objectively, instead of hopefully and trustingly and postively, I would have seen that. So I was foolish. And foolish has a price.

Had I just heard about his affair, I probably would have “postive-thinked” that, too, and read books on how to save a marraige after your husband cheats.

I truly believe my guardian angel wanted me to see those emails that night, and that his angel sent him to bed.

I was shocked with when, shortly into my reading, what I assumed was “just” flirting revealed itself as a long and fullblown affair. It took over 12 hours to read them. By the time I was done, there was no postive-thinking this into less than it was. I now knew my husband and my situation better than ever.

I learned from the woman’s husband that my husband was going to serve me divorce papers. I was in such shock. Yet, I hung on to what I always valued, always believed: “never divorce”, and persued countersuing for “no divorce”. On reflection, I see that I was trying to give God “more time” to do that miracle I had been waiting for, for all those years.(!)

But since my husband, who had hardly spent more than an hour a week with our child previously, was now suing for sole custody, I was afraid, and sought out the best legal counsel I could find. This lawyer told me I could lose custody if I sued him for “no divorce” - I needed to countersue for divorce.

So I went to a holy Priest, telling him that I felt like by taking this advice I was giving up on God, after waiting all these years for him to do a miracle.

The Priest told me that God does miracles, but never tells us to “expect” them - and we have to live with the reality God puts in our life. A reality just made clear to me.

He also told me that you can’t make a silk purse from a sows ear.

The divorce was awful. Defending against my husband’s shocking lies was time-consuming and expensive. It was a horrible experience, a nightmare I couldn’t even have dreamed up. Life has changed drastically. The worst part is the changes my child has had to endure. I feel relief to be away from this man, but I could have put up with it for my child’s sake. I can recall wiht heartbreaking detail the conversation the day we told our child about the divorce.

So it doesn’t seem like much good came out of it, except that I am learning about walking in TRUST in a new way. And it is very much like being in a desert, in that I am growing closer to God, and that I hope to have some direction out of this. And I am like the Isrealites at times, complaining to God about this place he has me in.

So what you described to me sounds like a “sow’s ear”. I think you should see a Priest, and another, and anyone else reccommended to you has having sound, wise, Catholic advice. Listen to what you are told, and pray about it.

 

[WICatholic]

SteveG:

lacoloratura
I didn’t get to read all the responses below, but in case no one else has mentioned it I’d like to suggest you go talk to a faithful/orhtodox priest about this. While the forums are great for many things, I wonder if this is the place to find advice and answers to your very personal and painful situation. Just my two cents.

Also if it’s of any help, there are Catholic Marriage counselors out there who may be able to help. See this site where there is a number for contacting one…
exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
…I believe they even have tele-counseling services if you are not in the same area.

God Bless

Excellent advice, and I certainly hope she took it.

Too many give advice that is ungodly.

 

[WICatholic]

Ana:

We should always strive to make our marriages more holy and staying in a bad marriage is not the same as working it out. But too many people give up too quickly, possibly missing the blessings that were just around the corner.

Yes, your husband is being a doo-doo head right now, and if your marriage is near normal then you’re probably being a doo-doo head too!

You need to decide if you are commited to this marriage. If you plan on honoring the vow you took before God … For better or for worse. Your marriage is three-way. You cannot trust yourself to pull this through, nor your husband, but you can trust God.

snip

The love of Christ is self sacrificing. Is yours? Did in your vow, you place the condition of … as long as it doesn’t interfere with my career? If your vocation is marriage, then that is first and all other things must serve to enhance it. If it is causing conflict, then it must go. No matter how much it hurts. Dying to self is always painful.

Your probably thinking, but he is the one … why should I …? Because you are accountable for your actions before God, regardless of the behaviour of anyone else. His actions do not excuse yours. But more importantly. Your good example will encourage more change in your husband than all of the words you have used to try to convince your husband the error of his ways put together.

Does he look forward to being with you, to talking with you. Do you make him feel loved? Do you allow him to feel loved when he is good to you only, or do you love him for Christs sake. If you love him " the way He has loved you." Self-sacrificing, merciful, steadfast, unchanging … you will see change. For God’s love is faithful, fruitful and life-giving. You WILL see fruits. But first you must pray and be in the position to be the light for your husband. I would advise taking the concentration of off him and putting it on you and your spiritual growth. Leave your husband to God. Trust Him with your husband and with your marriage.
I will be in prayer for your marriage.

RIGHT ON!

 

[WICatholic]

sparkle:

Friend:

If you forced him into a choice and he’d leave as you say, that’s your answer. There has to be boundaries in marriage. PLEASE read the marvelous book “Boundaries in Marriage” by the men from New Life, a Christian counseling talk radio team. It’s a great book really, I learned alot from it–you will too! You can find it at a Christian bookstore. I’m so sorry for your situation, but maybe this action will hopefully, Lord willing jolt him into the right gear!!! Maybe read the book first, pray about it and then decide what to do.

God Bless~~

Ultimatums do not work. Backed into a corner, ANY animal will come out fighting or look for another way out. She will get what she does not want (unless that is exactly what she wants so she can place blame elsewhere) FASTER than she has ever gotten anything in her life.

She took those vows just as he did. She is answerable to God only for her actions. Jealousy, real or unfounded is not a virtue, and needs to be dealt with. Both parties react to it, he by becoming more defensive, and she by becoming more insecure.

I recommend taking the advice of looking into exceptional marriage website, and also getting The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Leseur whose husband converted and became a priest after her death.

Marriage is not easy. Divorce is, especially today. It is forced, and unilateral in most cases, with the one who is respondent being forced into something that is unable to be stopped by anyone but the Petitioner. Too many ‘good’ Christians/Catholics/spiritual directors/priests/best friends, etc give too much ungodly advice, and marriages are being destroyed by it.

Read what the Holy Father says about marriage and Validity/Nullity and NOT what our US Tribunals say. Most often, those who insist on their right to a Rotal verdict find the US judgements for Nullity overturned.

I suggest as a second reading lesson to find out what God says about divorce. He hates it. What Jesus says in four separate places in the Gospel covers every single person involved.

Before you can expect the partner to change, you must change and make that firm committment to do it HIS way…God’s. Feelings change, often rapidly.

When the ‘D’ word enters into marriage… unless there is life threatening danger… it does not take long before the enemy finds ways to encourage it, and to make it sound GOOD.

Read about St Monica, St Rita, Catherine of Aragon, and others who had ungodly husbands. Stop looking for ‘grounds for nullity’ and begin to look for reasons to honor your vows, and being obedient to God.

And I also agree that this is NOT a good place to get Godly advice. Catholic marriage counselors with a proven record of saving marriages is where you go, even it it is alone. And that also means that you avoid some priests, nuns, friends, etc who do NOT have a proven track record of saving marriages.

You don’t just have a marriage. You have made a Covenant with GOD and your spouse…and it is GOD you answer to. Our job is to try to get our spouse to Heaven. If that is your goal, then He changes us, first, to be the spouse that He knows we need to be. When we pray for someone else to change, He works on OUR hearts first…and then He works on the other in HIS time and in HIS way.

Divorce is NOT all it is cracked up to be. It is, in most cases, evil that looks good. "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence… til you get over there.

 

[WICatholic]

LauraL:

lacoloratura,

This is a difficult situation, and you have my prayers.

There are four things a husband needs from his wife:

Acceptance. Loving him as he is, not treating him as a “remodeling project.”
Appreciation. Recognizing and noting all the various things he contributes to your life – practical and more subjective.
Admiration. For his character and his abilities.
AFFIRMATION. Men need to be told they are appreciated and admired, over and over and over again.

If this “best friend” is the one giving him these things instead of you, then I would suggest you pull back and re-evaluate your contribution to the marriage relationship.

I know two men who are unfaithful to their wives. Both are generally known as “good men” in our community; both wives are sweet lovely women… but neither one of them communicates their love of their husbands very well. Both of them turn their noses up at their husbands’ friends and hobbies and refuse to support them in any way.

Is your husband suffering from any deficiencies in your marriage relationship? May God give you wisdom and insight – and courage.

Good advice. However, those who choose to break their vows and have an affair choose to do so and have to own it, not blame the spouse. I also know many who have spouses who are not the best at the qualities you have listed as necessary who do NOT cheat and would never do so because of the gravitly and the knowledge of what it will do to their own salvation. God bless.

 

[WICatholic]

masondoggy:

I think you should not be in such a rush to make a decision. Sometimes time works a situation out pretty well. When I was going through bad times in my marriage, someone told me that if there’s reasons now for an annulment, they will always be there. So there’s no rush to get this annulment. If the marriage is invalid, it will still be invalid 20 years down the road.

So sit back and wait. Put your marriage completely in God’s hands and let Him work things out in His own time. It may take a few months, it may take 10 years, but you’d be surprised how things can turn around when God’s in control!

Maybe right now the best thing you can do is give your husband some space to decide what’s really important to him. It does sound like he needs to grow up and he is definitely not committed to his vows. There’s nothing you can do about that but put it in God’s hands. Let your husband be the one to make the step to file for divorce. Once that happens, then I guess maybe that’s God’s way of telling you that you should seek the annulment.

I’m sorry, but can’t agree with much of this, and urge extreme caution here.
First, all marriages must be assumed to be valid NOT until someone hits the divorce courts, but until a Tribunal examines the evidence and finds a reason for a judgement of Null.

The Holy Father has specifically said that getting divorced does NOT mean the marriage is Null, and is not proof of that nullity. In today’s easy forced, unilateral 'no-fault- divorce … it is very highly likely that many very valid marriages are being destroyed.

Second, that Null decision here would best, in most areas of the US be appealed to the Rota as the court of second instance in order to KNOW that the Null verdict is not able to be overturned, in spite of the strong discouragement from most areas of the US to do so.

Third, telling someone to let the other make the divorce move is not sound advice because if this is what one wants, it is much to easy to ‘drive’ the other to see the attorney, consciously or unconsciously, thereby ‘avoiding’ being the guilty one, and being able to seem to be a victim to everyone involved. But God knows hearts. And He will hold us accountable for OUR part in the breakup of our marriage.

God HATES divorce, and He is not going to be the one telling us to get one. Regardless of what many will say… unless there is true danger, God does not encourage divorce. But society and the enemy do… caution. Getting one of our US Null decisions is not necessarily proof either, as many of the grounds used are very questionable and ARE overturned by the Rota.

Read what the Holy Father says about the subject on the contents page of www.defendingholymatrimony.org including the fact that he has ‘blasted’ the Tribunals for the number of annulments here.

 

[WICatholic]

Another right on!

 

[TheGarg]

lacoloratura:

This is going to be very hard for me to write. I am literally at my wits’ end and cannot figure out what God wants me to do…

I love my husband very much. I have started a couple of other threads regarding our religious differences (I’m Catholic, he’s not). If this was the only thing going on, I’m pretty sure we could deal with it. However, we have another issue; one that, on the face of it, doesn’t have anything to do with religion, but is impacted by the fact that I am trying to live as faithfully to God as possible. It’s also affected by the things I understand to be part of a Christian marriage, which are things I definitely want.

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life. I feel that their friendship is closer than a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex. He, on the other hand, does NOT understand why the mere fact of her being female is wrong. His position is that, since they are just friends and are doing nothing wrong (which I believe), why is it wrong for him to have her as a friend? If she was a man, there would be no issue.

I could go on for a very long time about this, but I’ll try to cut to the chase. Forced to make a choice, I don’t think he would choose his marriage over his friendship. This isn’t because he cares more about her than about me, but basically because he values his freedom more than he seems to value our marriage. He does not think it’s fair for him to have to give up EITHER.

He genuinely doesn’t understand my problem with this. He will not stop being friends with her, though he is willing to make an effort to ensure that I don’t feel threatened (we don’t actually live together right now). Weren’t there saints in history who had to deal with things like unfaithful spouses? Not that I think he’s being unfaithful, but you know what I mean. Is this a situation where I should offer my suffering up, or should I give up on the marriage? I have been told by several priests, on different occasions, that we likely have a very good case for annulment.

One last complication: I am a professional singer, and would like to pursue a career as an opera singer. It seems like this would make it hard for me to find a spouse who not only holds my Catholic beliefs, but who would not mind the away-from-home time involved (don’t know if that’s accurate, but I can totally understand someone wanting a spouse who’s actually around!). Actually, I don’t want to be a travelling singer - I just want to have a small local career - but to do that, there’s no avoiding some travelling in the beginning. The man I am married to now is also a musician, and has no problem with this scenario.

So what I’m wondering is - how should I handle this situation as a person who wants to follow Jesus and His Church’s teachings? I know that only I can decide, but I want to do what’s right in His eyes. Is it reasonable of me to look on this as suffering to offer up (for the rest of my life…)? Or is it over the top? Thanks for listening to my ultra-long rant. I am so thankful to have this place to express it.

I take this marriage is not blessed by the church, so there would be no need for an anulment, right?..

This situation is exaclty why we should not marry someone who has different core beliefs…no inter-religious marriages…

how do I know…well, lets just say anulment is a long process…

Peace of the Lord be with you, and may he grant you peace and wisdom on this situation to to the right thing.

 

[WICatholic]

monica fan:

It’s me again. Here is an excerpt from the book, St. Monica, Model of Christian Mothers that I find appropriate for your situation.

(when counseling friends in similiar situations) St. Monica would tell them to be patient, and love and pray, and meet harshness with gentleness, and abuse with silence. When they (her friends) sometimes answered that it would seem weak to knock under in such a fashion, Monica would ask them if they thought it needed more strength to speak or to be silent when provoked, and which was easier, to smile or to sulk when insulted? Many homes were happier in consequence, for Monica had a particular gift for making peace and even as a child had settled quarrels of her young companions to everybody’s satisfaction.

And it wasn’t just her husband who converted as a result of her living Christianity and prayers, but first her mother in law (who was very abusive and had turned the entire household against Monica) and then her household and husband, her two children that never left the Faith, and ULTIMATELY, her wayward first born who eventally became priest and Doctor of the Church…

Elizabeth Leseur put up with being mocked and ridiculed not only from her husband, but also from all of his friends that he brought home to assist in that abuse over her Faith. Ultimately, she passed away, and he was amazed at the number of people at her funeral who told him the influence she had had on their lives, etc and then… he found her diary, which he did not even suspect she had. His conversion came as he read her words. He became a Dominican priest, Fr Felix Leseur, later preaching at retreats, too. While Archbishop Sheen was over across the ocean, he attended at least one of those retreats.

And that is only two examples…we are to pick up our cross and carry it. Too often, we don’t want to do so. God never promised life here on this earth would be easy. Our reward for being a good and faithful servant of His will be in the next world. Our primary job is to know Him, love Him and serve Him in this world… and happy with Him in the next.

God first, husband second, priorities in proper order.

 

[WICatholic]

LSK:

Just a thought -

My last question would be this - do you think you should be married? Not all of us should be - and if your dream of using the wonderful gift that God gave you is one that is your passion then perhaps you should consider doing it as a single Catholic woman and forgo marriage until your career is established? It’s just an idea.

Hang in there - may the Blessed Virgin guide you and you will be in my prayers.

It is too late to ask this question. She IS married. She can’t change that fact. The minute before she took those vows, while she was still unmarried, she could still ask it and say … no. Once taken, those vows hold priority.

 

[lacoloratura]

WICatholic:

Too many give advice that is ungodly.

But what is Godly advice? Telling someone to stay married to, and have children with, someone who has a very weak idea of what it means to follow God? Who doesn’t see the evil of pornography? Who doesn’t see any reason to exercise moderation in anything? Who is very obviously incapable of truly loving someone, if one goes by a definition of love that involves unselfishness? I am feeling very bitter, and will very shortly be filing for divorce. I can’t stand this anymore. We have nothing in common where it really counts.

 

[johnq]

Matthew 14:

15] When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a lonely place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.”
16] Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.”
17] They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.”
18] And he said, “Bring them here to me.”
19] Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass; and taking the five loaves and the two fish he looked up to heaven, and blessed, and broke and gave the loaves to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds.
20] And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over.
21] And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.

lacoloratura, God bless you.

What a hard situation you are in. Are you being like the disciples or Jesus? Have you gone to Jesus in the adoration chapel? He tells us to bring them here to me.

Our family will include you in our prayers.

 

[WICatholic]

pegrok:

I’m gonna be blunt, but I don’t think you’re trying too hard to stay married. You sound like you’re wanting to be an opera singer or something. I don’t think it’s right for those priests to be telling you that you can get an annulment, so that you can entertain thoughts of divorce and freedom. We all have these thoughts sometimes. I don’t think you should be jealous of this women friend. If you believe him that he is faithful, why should he have to give up a good friend just because you say he should. Why couldn’t you be friends with her also. Many people have had to put up with alot more than this in a marraige. I don’t know all of the details. I just know that you are married. This is a lifelong committment. If he is a decent man & he is faithful & he allows you to practice your faith, you should not leave him. Go ahead and be an example to others of being faithful to your committments. Be positive & think of the good in the man and in your life. Pray. God Bless you.

Yes, we do often have these temptations, and we are called to be faithful, and an example to others. God bless!

 

[WICatholic]

lacoloratura:

But what is Godly advice? Telling someone to stay married to, and have children with, someone who has a very weak idea of what it means to follow God? Who doesn’t see the evil of pornography? Who doesn’t see any reason to exercise moderation in anything? Who is very obviously incapable of truly loving someone, if one goes by a definition of love that involves unselfishness? I am feeling very bitter, and will very shortly be filing for divorce. I can’t stand this anymore. We have nothing in common where it really counts.

Godly advice would be 1 Cor 7:10-11.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Lacoloratura,

I believe that some people simply lack the capacity to make a marriage work. And that fact is usually discovered when the ceremony is long over and the marriage is breaking apart. It seems that you have arrived at this conclusion as well and are taking steps towards a better life. You say that you have an uncle who is a Jesuit? I would have a long talk with him, if you haven’t already. If you can, perhaps confession with this uncle would be a good place to start. Please continue to receive the Sacraments since the grace from them is so necessary at this difficult time.

When people use the examples of a tiny handful of extraordinary women saints who were able to convert their terrible husbands and families as a result of their love and prayer, I believe that holds the rest of us to a standard that may be unattainable. I don’t believe that marriage should be a place of long-term suffering, disappointment, and failure. I am a child of divorced parents, I have lived through divorce at a time when it was an unspeakable word. But because my parents lacked the capacity to form a long-lasting relationship built on love, trust, and bearing life’s crosses together their marriage was doomed from the start. The personality problems that drove them apart still plague them today, but at least they aren’t torturing each other. Even though one of my parent’s has “come to Jesus” so to speak, he still has personality problems that drive his first set of children away from him. I guess what I’m saying is that if a marriage is bad, no children are involved, it’s best just to cut bait and fly. I just hope, Lacoloratura, that you can spend some time in counseling and prayer to find out why you married such an unsuitable partner to begin with. What attracted you to a man who became so incompatible? In that way, you won’t make a wrong choice in the future.

I have been married for 17 years. The “feeling” I remember most on my wedding day was that the battle for my soul was over, that I would make it to heaven because the man that I married is a saint and together we would lead Godly lives.

 

[LSK]

This is going to be very hard for me to write. I am literally at my wits’ end and cannot figure out what God wants me to do…

I love my husband very much. I have started a couple of other threads regarding our religious differences (I’m Catholic, he’s not). If this was the only thing going on, I’m pretty sure we could deal with it. However, we have another issue; one that, on the face of it, doesn’t have anything to do with religion, but is impacted by the fact that I am trying to live as faithfully to God as possible. It’s also affected by the things I understand to be part of a Christian marriage, which are things I definitely want.

I remember that you also started a thread about this particular issue…it was a couple of months ago and you received some very good guidance around this very same issue. Did you follow through on any of that advice?

Without going into too much history, here is the problem. My husband has a best friend who is a woman! I am very bothered by her place in his life. I feel that their friendship is closer than a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex. He, on the other hand, does NOT understand why the mere fact of her being female is wrong. His position is that, since they are just friends and are doing nothing wrong (which I believe), why is it wrong for him to have her as a friend? If she was a man, there would be no issue.

The last time you posted about this, the following questions were asked of you:

1. Did he have this friend when you married him?
2. Did he know that this bothered you before you married him?
3. Did he promise you that she would no longer be a part of his life once you were married?

do you remember what you told us?

I could go on for a very long time about this, but I’ll try to cut to the chase. Forced to make a choice, I don’t think he would choose his marriage over his friendship. This isn’t because he cares more about her than about me, but basically because he values his freedom more than he seems to value our marriage. He does not think it’s fair for him to have to give up EITHER.

I believe the last time you posted about this, many of the replies you received questioned whether either of you had been psychologically mature enough to have entered into a valid marriage. It appears that situation may not have changed.

He genuinely doesn’t understand my problem with this. He will not stop being friends with her, though he is willing to make an effort to ensure that I don’t feel threatened (we don’t actually live together right now).

Again, neither of you seem really ready to be grown up married people. Perhaps it is time to face the music, so to speak, and seek an annullment.

Weren’t there saints in history who had to deal with things like unfaithful spouses? Not that I think he’s being unfaithful, but you know what I mean. Is this a situation where I should offer my suffering up, or should I give up on the marriage? I have been told by several priests, on different occasions, that we likely have a very good case for annulment.

They are correct.

One last complication: I am a professional singer, and would like to pursue a career as an opera singer. It seems like this would make it hard for me to find a spouse who not only holds my Catholic beliefs, but who would not mind the away-from-home time involved (don’t know if that’s accurate, but I can totally understand someone wanting a spouse who’s actually around!). Actually, I don’t want to be a travelling singer - I just want to have a small local career - but to do that, there’s no avoiding some travelling in the beginning. The man I am married to now is also a musician, and has no problem with this scenario.

So what I’m wondering is - how should I handle this situation as a person who wants to follow Jesus and His Church’s teachings? I know that only I can decide, but I want to do what’s right in His eyes. Is it reasonable of me to look on this as suffering to offer up (for the rest of my life…)? Or is it over the top? Thanks for listening to my ultra-long rant. I am so thankful to have this place to express it.

Honey, I know you are trying desperately to avoid a painful and inevitable situation…but you may just have to ask Our Lord for the grace to bear up under the suffering you cannot avoid…and that is the suffering of a failed relationship. Offer it up. Move forward on your annullment and pursue your career. If Our Lord wants you to be married, you will be married. If not, you will serve him by way of filling the world with your beautiful voice.

 

[sparkle]

LSK:

Honey, I know you are trying desperately to avoid a painful and inevitable situation…but you may just have to ask Our Lord for the grace to bear up under the suffering you cannot avoid…and that is the suffering of a failed relationship. Offer it up. Move forward on your annullment and pursue your career. If Our Lord wants you to be married, you will be married. If not, you will serve him by way of filling the world with your beautiful voice.

To the OP: Coloratura (sp?)

I am very sorry that the above advice was given to you. I totally disagree with it, and think it most unwarranted. There is so much more at stake here than just “offer it up, move on–and pursue your career” mentality. This above poster does not know you, why does she think this is the best advice? I wonder. Please know all on here, speak from their varying experiences, whatever they may be, and this is what they have to offer you. May I offer you my advice now?

It is never God’s plan for divorce. Never. You must know this as a faithful Catholic. Sounds like you dearly love your husband. Have you tried Marriage Encounter? I recommend you do. Are you seeing a Marriage Counselor presently? If not, get one. Have you sought counseling with a priest? Do so. Have YOU gone to confession lately? Do so. Do you have a devotional book you can read daily for strength and sustinence? Try the Magnificat book, it’s marvelous. But friend, hang in there. God will honor your faithfulness, do not ever forget it.
Luv,
Sparkle