Trying to understand Catholicism

[findingmyway74]

My parents are Catholic; however, I am not. My parents never had me baptized or confirmed. My mother had an abortion before me, and I was supposed to be the child “to make peace with God.” Nevertheless, she had an affair on my father, they were divorced and she was married in a non-Catholic church. She abandoned me, and then I moved in with he for a short periods of time, just to have more abuse. I was the sacrificed child in many ways. She is extremely narcissistic and I was only taken to Mass for her own agenda. Any positive feelings of Catholicism came from experiences I had with other family members.

I found a man who saved my life, and we have a beautiful child together. I have made my mistakes; we are not married due to financial reasons that would affect our child. We plan to marry in two years when I am done school. My daughter will not have the same upbringing as I did, and I want to give her a sense using spirituality in difficult times. My mother told me at a young age I was going to hell because I was a mistake and that is why I was not baptized and why she allowed others to abuse me in many ways.

I have been looking for a faith for my family, and am drawn back to Catholicism. I guess it angers me that my mother goes to confession and all is forgiven and is now a Eucharistic Minister. I have forgiven my mother, but my spirituality causes feelings to resurface. She will never be in my childs life, but I forgive her for the suffereing and evil acts she caused. I have difficulty understanding how she can give communion, and I can’t be a Catholic. I just have a hard time understanding how the Church can go through their struggles, but not look at the person’s moral character.

All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.
John 6:37

 

[JRKH]

Findinmyway,
First of all - Welcome to the Forums.
I hope that we can help to address some of your issues.

My parents are Catholic; however, I am not. My parents never had me baptized or confirmed. My mother had an abortion before me, and I was supposed to be the child “to make peace with God.” Nevertheless, she had an affair on my father, they were divorced and she was married in a non-Catholic church. She abandoned me, and then I moved in with he for a short periods of time, just to have more abuse. I was the sacrificed child in many ways. She is extremely narcissistic and I was only taken to Mass for her own agenda. Any positive feelings of Catholicism came from experiences I had with other family members.

Let me just say that, considering your background I am pleased that you are considering catholicism. So many can’t for just the emotional issues you raise below.

I found a man who saved my life, and we have a beautiful child together. I have made my mistakes; we are not married due to financial reasons that would affect our child. We plan to marry in two years when I am done school. My daughter will not have the same upbringing as I did, and I want to give her a sense using spirituality in difficult times. My mother told me at a young age I was going to hell because I was a mistake and that is why I was not baptized and why she allowed others to abuse me in many ways.

Again - While obviously there are issues going on, it appears that you sre sincerely trying to do the right thing by your child.
And By the Way - you are NOT going to hell “because you are a mistake” (though I’m sure you already know that)

I have been looking for a faith for my family, and am drawn back to Catholicism.

Praise God.

I guess it angers me that my mother goes to confession and all is forgiven and is now a Eucharistic Minister. I have forgiven my mother, but my spirituality causes feelings to resurface. She will never be in my childs life, but I forgive her for the suffereing and evil acts she caused. I have difficulty understanding how she can give communion, and I can’t be a Catholic.

Why do you think that you cannot be catholic?
There may be any number of reasons for your mother’s situation, we don’t have the details, but they are certainly no bar to your becoming Catholic.

I just have a hard time understanding how the Church can go through their struggles, but not look at the person’s moral character.

That may be an issue for another thread, or something you should maybe discuss with a priest.

Peace
James

 

[Church_Militant]

Hi Finding,
Wow, you have certainly had a rough “journey of faith” so far and I will include you in my prayers from now on.

I can certainly understand how you feel. I often find myself decrying the human race with things like, “People are SO mean and stupid to each other!”, or something similar. Usually, right after that I am reminded (by the Holy Spirit I’m sure) that I too am a member of that same human race and that I too have been mean and stupid in my dealings with others.

It always puts forgiveness in a real perspective even though sometimes it is fraught with feelings that are difficult to bear.

Passages of the New Testament will come to mind…such as.

Matthew 18:21-35, but especially, 32 Then his lord called him; and said to him: Thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all the debt, because thou besoughtest me: 33 Shouldst not thou then have had compassion also on thy fellow servant, even as I had compassion on thee? 34 And his lord being angry, delivered him to the torturers until he paid all the debt. 35 So also shall my heavenly Father do to you, if you forgive not every one his brother from your hearts.

and the from the Our Father, Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil. Amen. 14 For if you will forgive men their offences, your heavenly Father will forgive you also your offences. 15 But if you will not forgive men, neither will your Father forgive you your offences.

These are just the things that come to mind in my own case.

As for your Mom. I’m really sorry that she wasn’t a better example to you. Obviously, you struggle with that and forgiving her and moving on.

One thing that you may find a blessing in Catholicism is Confession. I have found that in going to confession it touches me deeply and the priests have always been a great help because I open up about what I feel as well as what I have done wrong. Once after a particularly difficult instance the wonderful priest began his counsel with “I know. It’s not fair.” and that in itself was restorative to me and along with his absolution by the power and commission of Our Lord to His Church it made it a transformative moment for me.

Isn’t moral character sort of a work in progress? Your Mom was wrong in so many of the things she said to you. You’re not doomed to hell for anything that she has done, though if you weren’t the person you appear to be to begin with, (and thank God for the good man in your life who appears to have loved you for who you really are!) you might have let her remarks and behavior influence you away from faith and conversion and so made it something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let’s don’t do that, okay?

BTW, You CAN be Catholic! Again, your Mom was wrong.

If you would like to better understand the Catholic faith, I can suggest an excellent series of courses offered for free by the Catholic Home Study Service . They will fill you in on what the Church teaches and why which may help. I have completed them all and still have my books and tests, so if you have questions you could PM me and I might be able to help.

I hope this has helped a little. I realize that I have rambled a bit and I apologize.
Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum.
(The peace of the Lord be always with you.)

 

[Little_Dove]

Dear Findingmyway,
Just wanted to ask you, did your mom ever ask you for your forgiveness? Expressed her heartfelt sorrow to you for not baptizing you?? Expressed her deepest regret for not acknowledging the fact that you were created for Heaven, for God’s own family? That your dignity is so great that Jesus, God Himself, died so that you could be happy forever with Him? Have you since been baptized? I am the mother of 2 daughters, and when I read your post, my heart just ached for you…
I will say a rosary for you tonight and entrust you to the most beautiful and tenderest of mothers, Our Lord’s own Mother, do you know that He made Her your mother too? He gave her to all of us, because He knew that all mothers fail their children in some way or another at some time or another. Only His own mother has never, ever failed in loving. That is why, when He was dying on the cross, in His unbelievable love for us, He made her our mother too…I tell you truly, go to her, she will never fail you…

God Bless You!
To Jesus, through Mary

 

[DavidFilmer]

I just have a hard time understanding how the Church can go through their struggles, but not look at the person’s moral character

Sorry, lady, but if you’re interested in becoming Catholic then you need to realize that you are hardly in a position of moral superiority here.

You are living in sin with a man who is the father of your child, yet you will not marry this man because of “financial reasons.” Your finances are more important to you than your morality. You sell your morality pretty cheaply.

If you want to be Catholic then you should accept what the Catholic Church teaches. Marry the father of your child, with whom you share a bed. Do it NOW, not in two years when it is more convenient.

It’s a tough message. Sometimes Christianity can be tough.

 

[JRKH]

Sorry, lady, but if you’re interested in becoming Catholic then you need to realize that you are hardly in a position of moral superiority here.

You are living in sin with a man who is the father of your child, yet you will not marry this man because of “financial reasons.” Your finances are more important to you than your morality. You sell your morality pretty cheaply.

If you want to be Catholic then you should accept what the Catholic Church teaches. Marry the father of your child, with whom you share a bed. Do it NOW, not in two years when it is more convenient.

It’s a tough message. Sometimes Christianity can be tough.

David,
Be careful here, you may be jumping to conclusions. I just reviewed the OP and nowhere does it say that she is “Living with” the father. This may very well be the case, but you are responding to “facts not in evidence” at this point. If indeed, as seems likely, she IS living with the man then certainly this is an issue that will need to be dealt with.

But first -

I would like to find out shy she thinks she “cannot be catholic” for she says here,

I have difficulty understanding how she can give communion, and I can’t be a Catholic

Lets see if we can’t get this issue straightened out before we help her with the other things. Once she knows that she CAN be Catholic, then we can move on to the next step.

I know you are correct in what you say above, and that you have her salvation at heart, but I just don’t want to push her away from us when I feel we could be of great help to this injured and struggling soul.

Peace
James

 

[cassini]

Findingmyway.

Your post caught my eye. I read it and I cried for you.What advice could I possibly offer this girl. And then I remembered. First one requires an understanding of Genesis, the revelation that tells us who we are, from whence we came and the consequences surrounding Original Sin. Then came Catholicism.

Last thursday, Holy Thursday, I watched again Mel Gibson’s Passion of Christ. Here I found the real Christ portrayed as never before. Perhaps the most telling scene was when Christ had been flogged to the ground and it could have ended there and then. He caught His mother’s eye. She knew ‘it had begun’. Christ was about to show that He will forgive all sin of those who want forgiveness. To show His mother this he rose from the ground and offered his body up for an ever greater flogging than heretofore. They pounded him tearing his flesh off with vicious instruments designed to do this. Only on the point of death did they stop. Gibson then showed us flashbacks to His life of love for all especially to that woman being stoned by the crowd. ‘Let you who is without sin, cast the first stone.’ They all let down their rocks.
The carrying of the cross was the second series of floggings and brutality He lovingly suffered for us. Again, only on the point of death did it end, The third life offered by Christ was on the cross itself. There we can only imagine the pain as they drove in the nails and twisted and turned the cross that guaranteed unbelievable suffering and pain. By now I was so much with Christ in His intentions I was sharing the greatest victory ever imagined.
The Devil squealed, for now mankind had the means of salvation won by Jesus when he finally died.

That then is the essence of Christianity. Nobody is removed from this redemption if they want it. Watch that passion again and see Him doing it again for you, at that moment when He is thinking of YOU and rises again to suffer more, this time for YOU, then another lash and me, and him, and her, and us all. He forgives all who want it, we forgive all to bring us peace. Go get baptised and show Him you saw that lash he took personally for you and that you want to be with Him for all time from now.

 

[findingmyway74]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was in a down mood last night after going to a protestant church yesterday.

I was under the impression I could not be Catholic because i am not married and have a child out of wedlock.

 

[findingmyway74]

Dear Findingmyway,
Just wanted to ask you, did your mom ever ask you for your forgiveness? Expressed her heartfelt sorrow to you for not baptizing you?? Expressed her deepest regret for not acknowledging the fact that you were created for Heaven, for God’s own family? That your dignity is so great that Jesus, God Himself, died so that you could be happy forever with Him? Have you since been baptized? I am the mother of 2 daughters, and when I read your post, my heart just ached for you…

No my mother has never shown any forgiveness, but I forgive her. I can’t allow her angry heart to control my life anymore. When I asked why I was never baptized she said, “I was too busy fighing with your father.” I know deep down she never really wanted me and has some severe mental health issues.

Not baptized yet…

~Findingmyway

 

[JRKH]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was in a down mood last night after going to a protestant church yesterday.

I was under the impression I could not be Catholic because i am not married and have a child out of wedlock.

I can assure you this is not the case.

Obviously there are things that would need to be addressed, but since you have not been baptized…

Since you feel drawn to the Church, (Praise God) perhaps it would be best to talk to a someone you trust about some of these things.
We’ll be happy to help if we can.
If you’d like to discuss anything more privately you can PM me if you’d like, or another whose responses touch you.

Peace
James

 

[NHInsider]

Sorry, lady, but if you’re interested in becoming Catholic then you need to realize that you are hardly in a position of moral superiority here.

If you want to be Catholic then you should accept what the Catholic Church teaches.

It’s a tough message. Sometimes Christianity can be tough.

Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matt. 7:1

A bruised reed he shall not break Is. 42:3

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matt. 18:6

“Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.” John 8:7

We are on very shaky ground when we presume to tell a seeker that they need to change their lives first before they can receive grace. It is by grace that we are able to reform our lives. Jesus forgave the woman in John 8 FIRST, then told her to “go and sin no more.”

Jesus never condemned the humble seeker, but he frequently condemned the externally righteous religious. This is true even when we know the individual or have incontrovertible evidence of their sin (like that woman taken in the act of adultery). Here we have only a few sentences in an anonymous posting from someone who has told us she is searching.

Methinks a good motto might be “Be gracious, or be quiet.”

 

[Little_Dove]

Dear Findingmyway,
So…my dear girl, do you know Jesus’ Mother? I told you I’d say a rosary for you last night, I did that and also especially asked Our Blessed Mother to enfold you in Her Immaculate Heart, to console you and to be your own Mother.
You will find no better mother than she is. She will never neglect to help you if you ask her! As a matter of fact, she will act in your behalf even before you know you need her to!

Here is one of my (and the Church’s) most beloved prayers. It is called the Memorare:

Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary
That never was it known that anyone who
fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession
was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence I fly unto you O Virgin of Virgins, my mother
To you I come, before you I stand sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me. Amen

Immaculate Heart of Mary, I place all my trust in You.

God Bless you, Findingmyway, on this Easter Monday! I pray the Holy Spirit, through the intercession of Jesus’ own Mother, will guide you into His family by this time next year!
I will hold you in my prayers…
To Jesus, Through Mary

 

[findingmyway74]

Sorry, lady, but if you’re interested in becoming Catholic then you need to realize that you are hardly in a position of moral superiority here.

You are living in sin with a man who is the father of your child, yet you will not marry this man because of “financial reasons.” Your finances are more important to you than your morality. You sell your morality pretty cheaply.

If you want to be Catholic then you should accept what the Catholic Church teaches. Marry the father of your child, with whom you share a bed. Do it NOW, not in two years when it is more convenient.

It’s a tough message. Sometimes Christianity can be tough.

Something my mother never understood was family values. MY CHILD is my life and if I married her father now, she would not have medical coverage. I will not judge my birth mother, but i am so sick of being judged when we look at SOME of those in the Church it sickens me.

 

[findingmyway74]

Sorry, lady, but if you’re interested in becoming Catholic then you need to realize that you are hardly in a position of moral superiority here.

You are living in sin with a man who is the father of your child, yet you will not marry this man because of “financial reasons.” Your finances are more important to you than your morality. You sell your morality pretty cheaply.

If you want to be Catholic then you should accept what the Catholic Church teaches. Marry the father of your child, with whom you share a bed. Do it NOW, not in two years when it is more convenient.

It’s a tough message. Sometimes Christianity can be tough.

Something my mother never understood was family values. MY CHILD is my life and if I married her father now, she would not have medical coverage. I will not judge my birth mother, and I pray for her soul. I should run from Catholicism because of the

am so sick of being judged when we look at SOME of those in the Church it sickens me. Hypocrisy in Catholicism sickens me, and one reason I have not made a decision. Accountability accountability!!! I know i am a sinner, but I don’t try to pretend to be someone i am not.

I can see you know the true meaning of “Walking a mile in a persons shoes.”

Matthew 7
1Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

6Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

7Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

9Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

10Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

12Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

 

[adam_in_ohio]

am so sick of being judged when we look at SOME of those in the Church it sickens me. Hypocrisy in Catholicism sickens me, and one reason I have not made a decision. Accountability accountability!!! I know i am a sinner, but I don’t try to pretend to be someone i am not.

Hi Findingmyway!! I’m a little confused as to this comment. Could you explain a little more.

 

[JRKH]

Something my mother never understood was family values. MY CHILD is my life and if I married her father now, she would not have medical coverage. I will not judge my birth mother, and I pray for her soul. I should run from Catholicism because of the

am so sick of being judged when we look at SOME of those in the Church it sickens me. Hypocrisy in Catholicism sickens me, and one reason I have not made a decision. Accountability accountability!!! I know i am a sinner, but I don’t try to pretend to be someone i am not.

I can see you know the true meaning of “Walking a mile in a persons shoes.”

Snip

I hope that you will balance out these kinds of posts with those which show a bit more compassion. There are many folks here who would like to help you get by any issues and See you safely Home in The Church,
Just remember that not everyone has the same “bedside manner”.

Peace
James

 

[NHInsider]

Hi Findingmyway!! I’m a little confused as to this comment. Could you explain a little more.

I think she was referring to one of our poster’s attempts at tough love . . .

 

[RosaryFan]

My parents are Catholic; however, I am not. My parents never had me baptized or confirmed. My mother had an abortion before me, and I was supposed to be the child “to make peace with God.” Nevertheless, she had an affair on my father, they were divorced and she was married in a non-Catholic church. She abandoned me, and then I moved in with he for a short periods of time, just to have more abuse. I was the sacrificed child in many ways. She is extremely narcissistic and I was only taken to Mass for her own agenda. Any positive feelings of Catholicism came from experiences I had with other family members.

I found a man who saved my life, and we have a beautiful child together. I have made my mistakes; we are not married due to financial reasons that would affect our child. We plan to marry in two years when I am done school. My daughter will not have the same upbringing as I did, and I want to give her a sense using spirituality in difficult times. My mother told me at a young age I was going to hell because I was a mistake and that is why I was not baptized and why she allowed others to abuse me in many ways.

I have been looking for a faith for my family, and am drawn back to Catholicism. I guess it angers me that my mother goes to confession and all is forgiven and is now a Eucharistic Minister. I have forgiven my mother, but my spirituality causes feelings to resurface. She will never be in my childs life, but I forgive her for the suffereing and evil acts she caused. I have difficulty understanding how she can give communion, and I can’t be a Catholic. I just have a hard time understanding how the Church can go through their struggles, but not look at the person’s moral character.

All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.
John 6:37

Hi. First I’d like to stress how absolutely wrong (I cannot stress enough just how WRONG) your mother was for telling you that you would go to hell because you were a mistake. Why would a mistake your mother makes (or what she sees as a mistake) send someone else to hell? Makes no sense. Which brings me to my second point… With all due respect, because I do not know your mother or her side of the story, she sounds a little off to me. Mental illness, possibly? If that is the case, you should forgive her, as you said you have. I give you a lot of credit for being able to do that. Forgiving is one of the hardest things to do and, yet, so necessary. What a wonderful Christian way to be! Don’t feel guilty about your resurfacing bad feelings either. That is totally normal and understandable. But don’t let that get in the way of your own salvation.

May I suggest you sign up for your parish’s RCIA program. Go and learn all about the Catholic faith. There is no pressure. If you change your mind halfway through and decide it’s not the right time for you, there will be no pressure on you.

It is of the utmost importance that you raise your child with faith in God. God has given you the gift of a beautiful child - it is your obligation to return that child to God. Take the role your mother so sadly turned down and show your child how to get back to God - which is the ultimate goal for us all.

Lastly, I know it may be hard for you to see the Church placing your mother in such high esteem by allowing her to be an Extraordinary Minister, but you should take solace in the fact that our God is all forgiving. He forgives the worst of the worst sins. This makes Him an awesome God. Take comfort in knowing that no matter how horrible people can be, He will always welcome us home with loving arms - just like the Prodigal Son.

Good luck and God bless you!

 

[JMJ_coder]

Something my mother never understood was family values. MY CHILD is my life and if I married her father now, she would not have medical coverage. I will not judge my birth mother, and I pray for her soul. I should run from Catholicism because of the

am so sick of being judged when we look at SOME of those in the Church it sickens me. Hypocrisy in Catholicism sickens me, and one reason I have not made a decision. Accountability accountability!!! I know i am a sinner, but I don’t try to pretend to be someone i am not.

Since this thread is not really about your mother, but about your journey toward the Lord, all I will say is that who knows but God what is in your mother’s heart? With the little information you have shared, there is no way for us to even guess at the current state of your mother’s soul. For all we know, she could have had a repentance and is now striving to be a good Catholic.

And remember, the Church is not a museum of Saints, but a hospital for sinners.

As for your situation – you certainly can become a Catholic. Having had a child out of wedlock is not a bar to joining the Church. Even postponing your marriage for two years for financial reasons is not a bar. But, since you are not married at this time, you and your boyfriend/fiance cannot live as if you were man and wife. You cannot have “marital relations” or co-habitate. You two can certainly still date and plan for your future wedding as any other couple, but until you are married you cannot act as if you are. Every Christian must live a chaste life according to their state in life.

God guide you on your journey.

 

[NHInsider]

Love this quote

And remember, the Church is not a museum of Saints, but a hospital for sinners.

As for your situation – you certainly can become a Catholic. Having had a child out of wedlock is not a bar to joining the Church. Even postponing your marriage for two years for financial reasons is not a bar. But, since you are not married at this time, you and your boyfriend/fiance cannot live as if you were man and wife. You cannot have “marital relations” or co-habitate. You two can certainly still date and plan for your future wedding as any other couple, but until you are married you cannot act as if you are. Every Christian must live a chaste life according to their state in life.

There have been a lot of posts to this effect, which sent me searching. After a lot of looking I feel some need to observe that, apparently,

(from the US Council of Bishops)
cohabitation is not in itself a canonical impediment to marriage, the couple may not be refused marriage solely on the basis of cohabitation. Marriage preparation may continue even if the couple refuses to separate. Pastoral ministers can be assured that to assist couples in regularizing their situation is not to approve of cohabitation.

So whether we like it or not, I think it is inappropriate for us to tell the OP that she MUST separate from her partner before she can move forward.

The same document observes that circumstances, such as financial implications and the presence of children, must be taken into account by the ministers. SO I think it’s important for us not to make blanket statements.

{{should be obvious but still worth mentioning caveat}} - cohabitation is not NECESSARILY equal to fornication. There are lots of people who share houses with people they do not have sex with! (some are even married, but that’s probably a subject for another thread . . .)