Tubal Ligation Regret

[TallyGirl]

Two years ago I made a terrible mistake and had a tubal ligation. I had just delivered a baby and my husband was going through a deep depression. My decision was based on the thought that I needed to “help” my husband as he was overwelmed with 4 children. That decision has marked our marriage ever since. I am no longer interested in intimacy with him and grieve everyday for the children I do not have. I have looked into a tubal reversal (which we can afford) and my husband says “No”. If I explain how upset I am he tells me that if I choose the reversal he will submit to surgery himself to prevent further children.

I am not sure what I can do at this point. My husband and I are at a point of disagreement that can not be resolved. My husband thinks I am not “grateful” enough for our other children since I am telling him I would like more. He told me recently “Is one more child worth our marriage as you know I do not want anymore kids?” Now that this surgery has been done sterility is the norm and asking to reverse it seems too much for him. I feel violated and broken in a way I never have before.

Originallly, I was drawn to my husband because he was such a faithful Catholic but after ten years he has grown lazy in practicing his faith. He is very sensitive to any suggestion that he is not a “good Catholic” and this is a major source of stress in our marriage.

I have sought counseling as my husband refuses to go. The counselors are unable to understand why I am upset. I feel many days that I am living a lie and if my Catholic friends only knew more I would be ashamed. I regret the fact that I did not seek counseling before my surgery with a Catholic counselor. Now I am having to live with that regret. To compound this my children ask all the time “Are we going to have another brother or sister?”

Any advice appreciated.

 

[Claymont79]

I know there have been others on here with similar issues over the years. My advice would be to pray for his conversion back to the fullness of the church, which would in time allow his change of mind. But, it may not be what God has in mind now that the deed was already done. Maybe even though you know you shouldn’t have done it, it has kept your marriage (and possibly your husband) alive…

Is your current counselor a Catholic? Have you gone to confession about all this? I think the guilt trip is part of your problem and that may help. I’ve been there myself - even though I wasn’t Catholic when I had my tubal at age 26, I ended up mourning the kids I didn’t have for several years. Since we’ve adopted I feel much better, but it was a rough road emotionally for me for a long while.

Hang in there, I’ll be praying for you and him and your kids. Just tell them God hasn’t decided yet about more siblings.

 

[smswife]

I am sorry sorry for your pain and hurt.

If you haven’t already, go to confession and get the peace and grace of the sacrament. I’m sure you know that you are not required to get a reversal of the procedure.

Then, I would advise you to go to your priest for some advice.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to stop arguing about this with your husband. You know where he stands currently, and to keep pushing it may make him less likely to change his mind. It may also drive him farther away from the Church. Do keep praying for him though!

I do kind of understand the “ungrateful” comment. I kind of feel at times myself that I am being ungrateful when I look at my 2 precious children and am sad that there aren’t any more. Shouldn’t I just be thankful for what I have?

 

[SavedByHim]

Tough stuff.

I agree with the previous posters about confession, and pray, pray, pray.

I also wanted to add that I definitely understand how this could be affecting your approach to intimacy with your DH. Before DH and I used NFP, I had this feeling of being “used” during sex… even though it was with my husband who loved me! I think ABC/sterilization causes this because it takes away the potential natural consequences of intimacy. Once DH and I started using NFP, our intimacy was a decision between the two of us: are we ready to accept the possible natural consequences of this love-giving act? I know it helped me tremendously in my approach to sex… gave me a much healthier view of it and took the “cheapness” out of it.

Have you discussed this part of it with your husband? Maybe by keeping your feelings about children separate from your feelings about your intimacy with him would help him understand your feelings.

I definitely feel for you! I will pray for you!

 

[Lorrie]

Tough stuff.

I agree with the previous posters about confession, and pray, pray, pray.

I also wanted to add that I definitely understand how this could be affecting your approach to intimacy with your DH. Before DH and I used NFP, I had this feeling of being “used” during sex… even though it was with my husband who loved me! I think ABC/sterilization causes this because it takes away the potential natural consequences of intimacy. Once DH and I started using NFP, our intimacy was a decision between the two of us: are we ready to accept the possible natural consequences of this love-giving act? I know it helped me tremendously in my approach to sex… gave me a much healthier view of it and took the “cheapness” out of it.

I guess those of us who are naturally unable to have children should just feel “used” during sex.

 

[Musician]

I know how you feel. I had a tubal ligation in my twenties and regretted it ever since. It took something very precious away from me: my ability to bring new life into the world.
If I were you, I would try to get it reversed as soon as possible and let your husband do what he wants. At least you will know that you have tried.
We also had four children and it is very helpful to look at your children and say to yourself, “Thank God I have these four wonderful children.” And then try not to obsess over not having more, as I have done many times. Now I am pretty happy with our four precious children, and feel extremely grateful for them.

 

[nodito]

I feel violated and broken in a way I never have before.

This is one of the most poignant descriptions of sterility that I’ve ever read. Have you told this to your husband? How would he react if you did?

You have no obligation to get a ligation reversal. That is, the Church does not require this of you. The only thing the Church requires, in order for you to receive the sacraments, is that you confess and receive absolution. But the fact that you feel broken and violated suggests to me that surgically correcting the damage would help you heal from your decision and enrich your self-esteem and your marriage.

If I were you, I would explain to my husband that I feel compelled to have the doctors restore my body to the way God designed it to be. (This is assuming I can afford the surgery). I would tell him that reversing the self-mutilation (but not necessarily having more kids, which can be negotiated later) is very important to me and I’d tell him that he is already risking the marriage by being so cavelier about my psychological, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I’d ask him to take an NFP class with me and I’d wonder aloud how much he really cares for me if he’s unwilling to try it.

Another option that may be of some help to learn NFP even if you don’t get the surgery and ask that your husband practice it with you. You could explain that this is a compromise that you would feel more comfortable with than the current arrangement: you don’t get the surgery reversal for the time being, but he has to share in your suffering by sacrificing sex for portions of each month. Of course, you won’t ever be fertile, but since you’re still ovulating, you’ll still experience fertility signs. You would take the class, learn to chart, and abstain when the charts indicate that you would have been fertile. In my mind, this accomplishes a few things: 1) It’s a way of practicing penance (for you and your husband) in reparation for the self-mutilation that you regret, 2) It’ll teach you the ins and outs of NFP, which will come in handy if you ever decide to go ahead with the surgery reversal, and 3) It teaches you both self-discipline, making you better spouses and parents.

I would also suggest finding a Catholic counselor or a good spiritual director, which can be an invaluable asset. And I don’t know your friends, but your story is so heartbreaking that I can’t imagine anyone judging you for it. I would hope that your Catholic friends could love you enough to suffer with you and pray for you. As for your children, when they ask for another sibling, tell them to pray for one. We know that Jesus has a soft spot for children; God will hear their prayers and shower your family with a torrent of graces. Maybe some of these graces will bring about your husband’s conversion.

May God bless you and keep you.

p.s. Welcome to Catholic Answers!

 

[TeresaAnn]

TallyGirl, are you still in love with your husband? You mention he was or is in a deep depression, has mentioned that one more child would risk your marriage and he sounds pretty distraught and over extended. You also mention that you are not interested in intimacy with your husband anymore. There are two reasons for intimacy in a marriage, not just to produce children. How do you think this makes your husband feel?

I think that you need to put the importance of his feelings up alongside your own and the two of you need to work on your marriage before discussion of additional children continues. You wouldn’t want to endanger your current children’s home anymore than it has been.

By the way, I have four children and the love you have for them and your husband can fill your life. I cherish what I have and am beyond grateful.

 

[nodito]

By the way, I have four children and the love you have for them and your husband can fill your life. I cherish what I have and am beyond grateful.

I didn’t get the sense from the TallyGirl’s post that the primary issue is that she wants more children and he does not. My impression was that she is suffering from her decision to get the ligation; she feels broken, violated, depressed, and wants to reorder her life and her marriage to the way God intended it to be. God intended each sexual act to be ordered to procreation and unity. One of those essential aspects is missing, and she is experiencing that void acutely.

I agree that the the husband’s fear or distaste of having more children ought to be a major consideration in their decision of whether or not to have more. In fact, I’d go so far as saying that they shouldn’t have more children until that issue is resolved. But a separate concern is that her body is broken and she wants to fix it, and this should be considered independent of her love and gratitude for her current family.

 

[flyingfish]

Two years ago I made a terrible mistake and had a tubal ligation. I had just delivered a baby and my husband was going through a deep depression. My decision was based on the thought that I needed to “help” my husband as he was overwelmed with 4 children. That decision has marked our marriage ever since. I am no longer interested in intimacy with him and grieve everyday for the children I do not have. I have looked into a tubal reversal (which we can afford) and my husband says “No”. If I explain how upset I am he tells me that if I choose the reversal he will submit to surgery himself to prevent further children.

I am not sure what I can do at this point. My husband and I are at a point of disagreement that can not be resolved. My husband thinks I am not “grateful” enough for our other children since I am telling him I would like more. He told me recently “Is one more child worth our marriage as you know I do not want anymore kids?” Now that this surgery has been done sterility is the norm and asking to reverse it seems too much for him. I feel violated and broken in a way I never have before.

Originallly, I was drawn to my husband because he was such a faithful Catholic but after ten years he has grown lazy in practicing his faith. He is very sensitive to any suggestion that he is not a “good Catholic” and this is a major source of stress in our marriage.

I have sought counseling as my husband refuses to go. The counselors are unable to understand why I am upset. I feel many days that I am living a lie and if my Catholic friends only knew more I would be ashamed. I regret the fact that I did not seek counseling before my surgery with a Catholic counselor. Now I am having to live with that regret. To compound this my children ask all the time “Are we going to have another brother or sister?”

Any advice appreciated.

Even without the tubal, if your husband feels so strongly that he cannot handle any more children it would be immoral for you to try to have more because the decision to have another child is one that both spouses make together.

 

[TallyGirl]

Thank you for all your responses.

In referenece to the question “Do you love your husband?” I would say that Yes I love him but am I in love with him? No. I choose to stay and love my husband in spite of the fact that this surgery has been a devastation to our marriage. I have told him directly how upset I feel. He says that he does care about how I feel but he can not understand why I feel this way. I have gone to confession although my husband feels that was unnecessary as a tubal ligation is not “sinful”.

I am concerned that he is losing his sense of right and wrong and that my surgery is actually pushing him further from God. He has asked me “How many would be enough?” And I think that I do understand his concerns regarding what it is that I am really asking for. But again I primarily want to be complete again and am not interested in risking my family for a chance at another child.

One issue with counseling is that we are friends with the 3 Catholic counselors in our area. My husband does not want this issue discussed with them. I have seen 2 non Catholic counselors who could not understand my feelings at all. Does anyone know how to find other Catholic counselors that may be in practice in my area? I am sure that there must be other counselors in the area that are also Catholic beside our three friends.

I will continue to pray for my husband’s conversion. Please pray for me.

 

[puzzleannie]

there is no need to reverse the procedure, which is usually unsuccessful in any case, it is necessary only to confess, express contrition and be absolved in sacramental confession.

The deeper issue is that with your marriage, of which the events that led you to have the surgery, your subsequent reaction, and your husbands dissonance with your feelings, is the matter to be dealt with through counselling. You differ deeply on a matter essential to the nature of a healthy marriage relationship, and that is where you should direct your efforts–counselling, pastoral care etc.

You are not the only woman or the only couple to deal with this, and those who have especially us older ladies will tell you that unless you resolve this fundamental attitude about the essential meaning of marriage itself you may jog along together for years, but you will not know true marital happiness.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…I am concerned that he is losing his sense of right and wrong and that my surgery is actually pushing him further from God. …
I will continue to pray for my husband’s conversion. Please pray for me.

Prayers for you. I suggest that you offer up the suffering your tubal ligation causes you for your husband.

You wrote in your original post that you did it primarily for him, and now you have deep regrets. Your contrition for your tubal ligation is a great grace from God. God did not allow you that grace only to let you suffer in vain. Unite your suffering with Jesus’ suffering on the cross. Both you and your husband (along with the doctors who performed the surgery) created this cross in your marriage. The Catholic teachings on sterilization are all part of the whole–so please remember the cross brings salvation!

Simply reversing the procedure will not undo what was done. Doctors might be able to heal our bodies, but only God heals souls. The tubal ligation and the resulting sterility are* only symptoms* of deeper problems. God can fix the deeper problems to make your marital love “fruitful” again. Offer your suffering to Him, united with the sufferings of His Son, for the sake of your husband and your family.

 

[paperwight]

there is no need to reverse the procedure, which is usually unsuccessful in any case, it is necessary only to confess, express contrition and be absolved in sacramental confession.

.

The other important consideration is that any general anaesthetic carries a risk. Is it worth risking your life to have a reversal? Do you want the danger of leaving your children without a mother?

Listen to the advice about talking it over, if necessary in confession, and accept the reassurance you are given.

It seems to me that the stress you are under with your husband is making you get things out of proportion. You are perhaps latching on to the idea that if you get the tubal ‘fixed’ it would solve all your problems. You are attaching too much importance to it, thinking of it it erms of mutilation perhaps. But it doesn’t affect your value as a person, any more than losing a limb in a car accident would. Accept that what is done, is done, and you did it for what seemed the right reasons at the time, regardless of how you see it now.

A confessor once told me that God judges our actions on what motives we had at the time, not on what we thought about them afterwards…

 

[SavedByHim]

Another option that may be of some help to learn NFP even if you don’t get the surgery and ask that your husband practice it with you. You could explain that this is a compromise that you would feel more comfortable with than the current arrangement: you don’t get the surgery reversal for the time being, but he has to share in your suffering by sacrificing sex for portions of each month. Of course, you won’t ever be fertile, but since you’re still ovulating, you’ll still experience fertility signs. You would take the class, learn to chart, and abstain when the charts indicate that you would have been fertile. In my mind, this accomplishes a few things: 1) It’s a way of practicing penance (for you and your husband) in reparation for the self-mutilation that you regret, 2) It’ll teach you the ins and outs of NFP, which will come in handy if you ever decide to go ahead with the surgery reversal, and 3) It teaches you both self-discipline, making you better spouses and parents.

I think this is a fabulous idea!! Very cool.

 

[vincent_carre]

Hi
My wife had a tubal after our second child, a beautiful baby girl.
Because of health problem the doctor did not want her to have
more children.
We would have like to have more children.
Pray the rosary with your kids and your husband will change is mind.
The rosary is powerful and the devil fly.
Put this problem in Our Lady of Fatima she promise to help us.
I will say the rosary for you and go to mass.
God bless.
Jesus love you and will give you peace.
Vince

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am sorry you are going through such difficult times. I understand how children can “aggravate” someone and make them fall into depression, my exhusband lived like this for many years! LOL UGH! But anyhow, right now the important thing is for you to hang in there, don’t stop praying and continue with your devotion to GOD, your children and hubby… That’s the most important thing! And continue with counseling… The more you go the more you will be able to understand the situations and handle them a little better…

I made the mistake too of using bcps and other bc methods all my life to please my now exhusband into not having any more children…I am 30 perhaps not as young as I used to be but boy would I really like to welcome a new baby into our family once my fiance and I get married, that would be a great blessing!! Besides my daughter has always resented me for not giving her a little sister… LOL But her father wouldn’t let me!!! SO I was told I could no longer have any children but I am not going to give up, I am hopeful GOD will bless us…

I have seen 45 year olds have healthy and beautiful babies around me, I don’t understand why I can’t but it’s my cross to bear and I hope GOD is hearing me out and will bless us with a tiny bundle someday soon! And even if my fiance then husband nags at me for having children, which I know he won’t but just saying, I wouldn’t care, I want to be closer to GOD and happy for His blessings no matter what…

My dad was kind of like that for a while but my mother didn’t care, lol, then she didn’t want anymore kids and my dad wanted to have 6 but it didn’t happen…Mother didn’t know you couldnt’ use bcps as a Catholic and did use them for many decades but soon stopped and couldn’t have anymore kids, so there are only 4 of us…lol…

Just hang in there…pray right now take it slow, invite your hubby to counseling, and hopefully GOD will enlighten him and allow him to come back to the church and enjoy another bundle of joy sooner rather than later!

GOD bless, take care and please don’t lose hope!!! GOD loves you very much!

 

[Cider]

I guess I’ll be the lone voice. If it was me, I’d get it reversed only because what I did in getting the tubal was a mortal sin and if I could reverse it I would. Just confessing and being repentant wouldn’t be enough for me.

 

[Speak_Up]

Reversals are extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. Most families could not afford to have the procedure done, therefore I think it’s presumptuous of anyone to suggest that they should. The warning about the risk of general anesthesia is a good one too. No, it doesn’t happen very often that someone has a bad reaction… but how do you KNOW you won’t be that one in a million? How would your family cope with you being disabled or dead? It’s not worth that risk, is it?

I’m going to give you a different perspective. There is no reason that this has to rule your life all the time, everyday. YOU are the one doing the damage to your marriage by CHOOSING to dwell on this all the time! I’m sure your husband’s depression doesn’t help any, but your family would have more resources to deal with that if you would stop constantly inserting all this emotional upheaval into the mix. I have no doubt that you regret what you did. I had a tubal nearly two years ago, and I regretted it for a while too. Went to confession, dwelt on my sadness over not having any more babies… But then I realized that I have too many responsibilities, too much going on to immobilize myself with my grief. I had to make peace with my choice, put it to rest, and MOVE ON. And you have to do that too. It’s done, it can’t be changed, so you have to accept it and get on with life. If you use this as an excuse not to participate in your marriage, or to use your husband as your emotional punching bag, and your children end up in a broken home because of it… whom have you served by refusing to let this go? You’re an adult. You must have learned by now how to accept things you don’t like and can’t change, and to still live your life and meet your responsibilities anyway.

You need to start being firm with yourself. When your mind wanders over to that brooding place, remind yourself, “I can’t change this. I have to find a way to go on.” You’ll do it a couple hundred times a day at first. But if you keep doing it, eventually you will train yourself not to live in your grief. You’re not denying it, you’re not suppressing it, you’re just reminding yourself that there is still life to live and you need to get to it IN SPITE of your grief.

The whole “feeling used during sex” thing… sigh As a Catholic woman who chose to get a ligation, I have to say that I think this is a sticker people apply to other issues they have with sex. There is no reason at all that any woman has to choose to feel used by her husband’s sexuality. I’ve had fleeting times where I felt that way (not related to the ligation BTW) but my knowledge that my husband loves me and that his desire springs from that love reasserts itself and puts that to rest. You have to choose which inner voice to pay attention to. You can choose to disregard the negative, usually self-serving voice and listen to the one that assumes the best. I think many women have been taught a negative view of male sexuality, by both the feminists and some very old-fasioned types who proclaim men sexual animals with no love or feeling attached to the act. And I think that attitude is what women call “feeling used” when if they looked with an open heart and mind, they would see that most men desire sex from a need to express love and receive love.

I really think you need to choose to stop dwelling in your pain, and using that to punish your husband, because that IS what you are doing… and spend more time being grateful for what you do have and working to make your marriage better for yourself, your husband, and your kids’ sakes.

 

[Cider]

Reversals are extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. Most families could not afford to have the procedure done, therefore I think it’s presumptuous of anyone to suggest that they should. The warning about the risk of general anesthesia is a good one too. No, it doesn’t happen very often that someone has a bad reaction… but how do you KNOW you won’t be that one in a million? How would your family cope with you being disabled or dead? It’s not worth that risk, is it?

Since I’m the only one in this thread that posted they would have it reversed I’m going to assume your reply was in response to my post. First off the OP said she could afford a reversal so there is no presumption here. Second off, if I risked the anesthesia to get the tubal done in the first place, clearly I was willing to risk the slim but possible side effects. Was it worth the risks to get the tubal?