Ugh. I'm a cruddy wife

  • Thread starter Thread starter tapiocapudding
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

tapiocapudding

Guest
I wish there was a way to post this anonymously because I hate to admit it but I’ve recently realized that I’m a really rotten spouse.
I mean well, I do, but I’m easily overwhelmed and it ends up that my DH does a lot more than his fair share around here. He works full time and he gets up at night with the baby just as much as me. He gets up early with the baby (around 7:30 or 8) to let me sleep in, even though he works the afternoon shift and doesn’t go to bed until 1 am. He cooked most of the time until recently, I’ve now started cooking and making lunches for him so at least that’s something. I’m home all day so I really ought to be doing the housework. And I do do most of it, but the entire time I’m cleaning I’m nagging. “You always leave your dirty clothes on the floor, why do you leave your dirty dishes out, you never rinse your dishes, I keep finding your whiskers in the sink blah blah blah blah blah blah…” I’m notorious for saying “you never help around here!” and that’s the furthest thing there is from the truth. I also nag about money because I worry about it and my DH does have a bad habit of overspending, especially on junk food but still, I take it over the top. I also nag about his smoking and even, his weight 😊. Not only that but when we argue it’s terrible. If he says a wrong thing I jump down his throat, if I’m mean to him he usually just disengages, apologizes or has a cigarette.
I don’t mean to say I’m a rotten hellhound, I mean there’s plenty of good. I’m nice to him a lot of the time and I apologize about 100 times a day for all of the above. I tell him it’s about my stress and not about him and I hope he knows that and doesn’t take it personally. But still, I need to change!

HEEEELLLLP MEEE! If the situation were reversed I would be miserable living with this crazy demanding naggy spouse. My DH takes it all in stride and is a wonderful guy. I tell myself every day that I’m going to be a better wife but I lose my temper so easily and I forget my resolve. My DH deserves much better.
Sometimes I try and picture Jesus standing next to me while I’m doing all this nagging. I know He doesn’t approve at all. It just makes me sad. Everyone says half the battle is admitting your mistakes but I’ve known about this for a while and I can’t seem to change.

Please help me, don’t flame me! I know I’m making big mistakes. I don’t want to lose a husband who is an all around wonderful guy.
 
No flaming from me…I hate cleaning! 😃 And I complain a lot about it…until today. I realized that I no longer want to be or will be that complaining spouse/mom again.

So…just begin changing yourself. It might take some time, but decide RIGHT NOW, to stop nagging…to stop complaining…and turn it all around. One day at a time…you catch yourself nagging, pray to God to help you to stop. Go to confession over it. I don’t only view confession as a time for mortal sin revelations. I think it can be utilized for times when we feel that we are straying from God, in ANY way…even small ways.

So…don’t beat yourself up. Just decide to begin anew tomorrow. Christ makes all things new. *He will *make you new again. Just begin tomorrow…

Good luck & God bless!
 
I think all husband’s do things that bother us. Mine won’t close closet doors or put the clothes in the hamper, but on top of it.
When I’m starting to get upset about these things, and others, I tell myself, if this is the worst thing I have to complain about my husband, I’m very lucky.

Work on your attitude. Greet him with a smile…or you could greet him with a smile on and nothing else:blush:

Do the chores that you know he really does not like doing?

Do as much as you can, so that when he is at home you can spend time together without having to worry about getting chores done.

I don’t like to clean, so I do little things every day so the house stays cleaned up. When you get up in the morning and get dressed, wipe off the mirror, wipe out your bathroom sink and the top of the toilet. Then clean the inside of the potty. Pick up the towels, there in 2 mins. bathroom is clean.
Keep you kitchen sink shining all the time. It really makes a difference.
Set your kitchen timer for 15 mins. pick a room and clean it up. When the 15 mins. are up. You are done in that room. There are lots of little things you can do to keep the house tidy, without killing yourself cleaning.

I was a nag, I admit it. You have to change that. It hurts to be told all the time that you are not doing something fast enough or you are not doing it right.

Leave him notes in his lunch that say you love him and appreciate everything he does for you.
Make his favorite dinner.
Remember how you felt when you were dating? You couldn’t wait to see him. Kept yourself looking pretty and wanted to make him happy. Why we change once we get married? I don’t know. I love him more than the day we married, so I tell him that every chance I get. In changing my attitude, his has changed too and it didn’t take any nagging:thumbsup:

Give some of these things a try. Let us know how it goes. It’s a good thing you want to change these things. Will it be easy, not always, but it is worth it. You will see a difference in him and it is making you better too. Good Luck!!
 
whiteyacht said:
I need some advice, too. 😊 Keep it coming!
Click to expand...
Let’s see…do two loads of laundry every day, wash, dry, fold or hang and…put it away!

Plan out your meals for a week. So you are not staring into the frig. at 6:00 not knowing what will be for dinner. Or plan meals that you can morph into other dinners, baked chicken, mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli… use the left over chicken and make chicken salad or crescent roll ups…mashed potatoes make yummy potato pancakes, I add some onions and garlic…
broccoli, chicken and some soy sauce, serve over rice. see it’s easy…wow I’m getting hungry

I always have salsa, (all natural, nothing but veggies), eggs and whole wheat tortilla’s, they freeze well. Make scrambled eggs, put them in the tortilla with some salsa…makes a quick breakfast, lunch or dinner.

My favorite thing to do is…Love him silly!!! That’s really fun:blush:
 
tapiocapudding said:
I wish there was a way to post this anonymously because I hate to admit it but I’ve recently realized that I’m a really rotten spouse.
I mean well, I do, but I’m easily overwhelmed and it ends up that my DH does a lot more than his fair share around here. He works full time and he gets up at night with the baby just as much as me. He gets up early with the baby (around 7:30 or 8) to let me sleep in, even though he works the afternoon shift and doesn’t go to bed until 1 am. He cooked most of the time until recently, I’ve now started cooking and making lunches for him so at least that’s something. I’m home all day so I really ought to be doing the housework. And I do do most of it, but the entire time I’m cleaning I’m nagging. “You always leave your dirty clothes on the floor, why do you leave your dirty dishes out, you never rinse your dishes, I keep finding your whiskers in the sink blah blah blah blah blah blah…” I’m notorious for saying “you never help around here!” and that’s the furthest thing there is from the truth. I also nag about money because I worry about it and my DH does have a bad habit of overspending, especially on junk food but still, I take it over the top. I also nag about his smoking and even, his weight 😊. Not only that but when we argue it’s terrible. If he says a wrong thing I jump down his throat, if I’m mean to him he usually just disengages, apologizes or has a cigarette.
I don’t mean to say I’m a rotten hellhound, I mean there’s plenty of good. I’m nice to him a lot of the time and I apologize about 100 times a day for all of the above. I tell him it’s about my stress and not about him and I hope he knows that and doesn’t take it personally. But still, I need to change!

HEEEELLLLP MEEE! If the situation were reversed I would be miserable living with this crazy demanding naggy spouse. My DH takes it all in stride and is a wonderful guy. I tell myself every day that I’m going to be a better wife but I lose my temper so easily and I forget my resolve. My DH deserves much better.
Sometimes I try and picture Jesus standing next to me while I’m doing all this nagging. I know He doesn’t approve at all. It just makes me sad. Everyone says half the battle is admitting your mistakes but I’ve known about this for a while and I can’t seem to change.

Please help me, don’t flame me! I know I’m making big mistakes. I don’t want to lose a husband who is an all around wonderful guy.
Click to expand...
Well, I married a perfectionist. Got the same treatment (and still do sometimes) but she’s really working on it. Some days are better than others and maybe you can work on it too. Just a trick to learn… everytime you pass each other, reach out and touch him. FORCE yourself to say something nice, first! I might suggest that if you think your lips might say something you may regret, kiss him to keep them busy. Try it for a week and see if it helps.😉
 
It sounds like you may be depressed. I mean, you sound kind of like me when I was married. I hated house work, and just plain didn’t have the energy to do much. Especially after our daughter was born. She was a very demanding baby.

Get a check up, there may be other problems as well. If you get a clean bill of health (and not just physical health) then you can start looking at what you *can *do.
 
I noticed the same thing the last poster did as well as the fact that you have a young child. Although children are gifts from God, pregnancy does wreak havoc on our bodies and our hormones and cause us to sometimes be raving lunatics. 😉 KInd of like PMS on steroids. :eek: Get checked out. In the meantime just remember to think before you speak. It shows that you love your husband very much that you would even look at your own behavior in this situation.

God bless,
 
tapiocapudding said:
I’m home all day so I really ought to be doing the housework. And I do do most of it, but the entire time I’m cleaning I’m nagging. “You always leave your dirty clothes on the floor, why do you leave your dirty dishes out, you never rinse your dishes, I keep finding your whiskers in the sink blah blah blah blah blah blah…” .
Click to expand...
I could have written that. I am very particular about neatness and some things he does/n’t do drives me nuts. Same thing, I am home recently unemployed and pregnant, he works and he does take super care of me. So I try to think before I speak more. Like I ask, “Can you ______ please?” instead of going, “Argh! You never ______!” And when he makes dinner or tries to find the source of the mystery smell in the kitchen that makes me throw up :o I really thank him for being so good to me. It’s hard enough to feel sick and useless, I would be really depressed if my husband was not so understanding and helpful. So just try and think big picture. It’s a quick job to scrub the sink and get rid of those beard hairs 🙂 . We’re a team so it’s no good if we are undermining each other over silly things.

HTH a little!
 
Thanks so much everyone, these are excellent tips and advice! I’m really feeling more confident today that I can make postive changes.
Last night I got up with the baby each time (I think he’s teething, he’s up like 20 times a night now which isn’t helping my outlook on life :p) And this morning I got out of bed without being crabby with my DH which is a huge plus (I’m no fun in the morning, typically!) And there’s a whole day ahead of us 😉
 
Keep up the good work. I know how hard it is to get up in the morning when you’re up half the night with a baby. And keep an active prayer life. You can pray as you work. And give that baby an extra hug from me. Heck, give yourself a bunch of hugs from me!!
 
tapiocapudding said:
I wish there was a way to post this anonymously because I hate to admit it but I’ve recently realized that I’m a really rotten spouse.
I mean well, I do, but I’m easily overwhelmed and it ends up that my DH does a lot more than his fair share around here. He works full time and he gets up at night with the baby just as much as me. He gets up early with the baby (around 7:30 or 8) to let me sleep in, even though he works the afternoon shift and doesn’t go to bed until 1 am. He cooked most of the time until recently, I’ve now started cooking and making lunches for him so at least that’s something. I’m home all day so I really ought to be doing the housework. And I do do most of it, but the entire time I’m cleaning I’m nagging. “You always leave your dirty clothes on the floor, why do you leave your dirty dishes out, you never rinse your dishes, I keep finding your whiskers in the sink blah blah blah blah blah blah…” I’m notorious for saying “you never help around here!” and that’s the furthest thing there is from the truth. I also nag about money because I worry about it and my DH does have a bad habit of overspending, especially on junk food but still, I take it over the top. I also nag about his smoking and even, his weight 😊. Not only that but when we argue it’s terrible. If he says a wrong thing I jump down his throat, if I’m mean to him he usually just disengages, apologizes or has a cigarette.
I don’t mean to say I’m a rotten hellhound, I mean there’s plenty of good. I’m nice to him a lot of the time and I apologize about 100 times a day for all of the above. I tell him it’s about my stress and not about him and I hope he knows that and doesn’t take it personally. But still, I need to change!

HEEEELLLLP MEEE! If the situation were reversed I would be miserable living with this crazy demanding naggy spouse. My DH takes it all in stride and is a wonderful guy. I tell myself every day that I’m going to be a better wife but I lose my temper so easily and I forget my resolve. My DH deserves much better.
Sometimes I try and picture Jesus standing next to me while I’m doing all this nagging. I know He doesn’t approve at all. It just makes me sad. Everyone says half the battle is admitting your mistakes but I’ve known about this for a while and I can’t seem to change.

Please help me, don’t flame me! I know I’m making big mistakes. I don’t want to lose a husband who is an all around wonderful guy.
Click to expand...
:tsktsk:
 
Well we had a really good morning! I didn’t nag DH about anything, I made him a nice lunch with a loving note in it and I did all my chores without complaining once (well I still have to wash the dishes but I’ll do that in a little while, the baby’s asleep on my lap right now and if I move he’ll wake up :p). DH works the afternoon shift (3-11) so I won’t see him again today but I’m planning to make a nice supper and leave it in the fridge for him and if I have some spare time I intend to reorganize the bathroom closet (we’ll see what kind of mood the baby’s in; I think that may be a bit ambitious)

I think my problem is that I get really lonely during the day. I’m cranky because after DH leaves it’s just me and baby until bedtime and there’s only so many verses of Old McDonald Had a Farm I can sing before I’m wondering what to do with this baby! What he really needs are older siblings, little people he can watch running around and entertaining him on occaision. Because he doesn’t much like playing alone which means I have to be very entertaining a lot of the time and it’s hard to get housework done unless I put him on my back :p. Maybe I’ll start another thread for this. I have Mom friends down the hall but they’re really critical of my parenting. Anyways I think my lonliness and boredom cause me to be a little crankier than I should be. I loooove being home with my DS, don’t get me wrong. I love him to bits and I love spending time with him. I don’t mind the dressing, bathing changing etc. I just need some adult interaction at times!
 
tapiocapudding said:
I think my problem is that I get really lonely during the day.

Anyways I think my lonliness and boredom cause me to be a little crankier than I should be. I loooove being home with my DS, don’t get me wrong. I love him to bits and I love spending time with him. I don’t mind the dressing, bathing changing etc. I just need some adult interaction at times!
Click to expand...
**Oh I wish we lived close together! Our kids could keep each other company and we could have some grown up conversations (although I’m sure Old MacDonald would find it’s way in there somehow, lol).

Glad to hear you had a better day. Treating others with love and respect when we’re tired/bored/cranky or whatever is so tough sometimes… not because we don’t want to, but because we just don’t think about it. So, I find that, like you, if I make a really conscious effort to be “nice” I can make it happen (sometimes, lol).**
 
I used to get upset over things at the drop of a hat and be very disagreable. I had trouble doing the chores around the house. I was forgetful. I was depressed. After medical consultation it was discovered that I was ADD and bipolar. Got put on medication and I am a totally different person. Not to say that the house is perfect all the time 🙂 but my attitude is much more pleasant and nearly nothing gets me mad. If you continue on in the same way as you started I’d seriously consider seeing a mental health professional, if for no other reason that to rule out problems. But if you get a diagnosis, medication can make a world of difference.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**Oh I wish we lived close together! Our kids could keep each other company and we could have some grown up conversations (although I’m sure Old MacDonald would find it’s way in there somehow, lol).

Glad to hear you had a better day. Treating others with love and respect when we’re tired/bored/cranky or whatever is so tough sometimes… not because we don’t want to, but because we just don’t think about it. So, I find that, like you, if I make a really conscious effort to be “nice” I can make it happen (sometimes, lol).**
Click to expand...
Oh that would be nice! Too bad you’re all the way out west! It’s funny explaining to Irish relatives why we just can’t drop in on someone in Calgary :p. You know, treating my DH better made me feel better too. Although he came home from work early and I was having a bit of a moment since my DS took 2 hours to go down to bed tonight and screamed the whole time and it was brutal (I know you feel my pain on that one! Whenever I get to thinking about how hard it is when my DS is having an awful sleep night I think of you and Lily and try to count my blessings!) so I was a little sharp with him. But I’m trying hard! I’m really being more concious of what I say before I say it.
 
We don’t have children (not our choice), and I’m certainly not in a position to flame you, I have had my own fair share of times where I don’t appreciate my DH as I should.

Here is my one single piece of advice in addition to all the other good stuff you have here:

Sacrament of Confession 🙂

Honestly - make a good solid confession, and include the times you have been disrespectful to your husband or not appreciated him enough. In addition to all the other stuff folks are telling you, don’t neglect the spiritual aspect of your marriage. You are not just married - you are one. And when you hurt him, you hurt yourself. So don’t forget about this part of the healing as well.

🙂

~Liza
 
tapiocapudding said:
Well we had a really good morning! I didn’t nag DH about anything, I made him a nice lunch with a loving note in it and I did all my chores without complaining once (well I still have to wash the dishes but I’ll do that in a little while, the baby’s asleep on my lap right now and if I move he’ll wake up :p). DH works the afternoon shift (3-11) so I won’t see him again today but I’m planning to make a nice supper and leave it in the fridge for him and if I have some spare time I intend to reorganize the bathroom closet (we’ll see what kind of mood the baby’s in; I think that may be a bit ambitious)

I think my problem is that I get really lonely during the day. I’m cranky because after DH leaves it’s just me and baby until bedtime and there’s only so many verses of Old McDonald Had a Farm I can sing before I’m wondering what to do with this baby! What he really needs are older siblings, little people he can watch running around and entertaining him on occaision. Because he doesn’t much like playing alone which means I have to be very entertaining a lot of the time and it’s hard to get housework done unless I put him on my back :p. Maybe I’ll start another thread for this. I have Mom friends down the hall but they’re really critical of my parenting. Anyways I think my lonliness and boredom cause me to be a little crankier than I should be. I loooove being home with my DS, don’t get me wrong. I love him to bits and I love spending time with him. I don’t mind the dressing, bathing changing etc. I just need some adult interaction at times!
Click to expand...
I’m happy for you tapioca…sometimes, we can all complain…it’s in the changing direction when you sense you’re going the wrong way, that is important! Hope things continue to go well for you.🙂
 
Sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the good work! It’s hard being home all day not being able to talk to an adult!!!
I use to just start talking as soon as my husband walked in the door, I just had to talk to someone over the age of 2, but then I realized, in all my talking, I wasn’t listening:( Now, I ask about his day and listen first, then I tell him about mine. Makes him feel special, which he is!
 
First thing - coming from me, no shock, a book suggestion 🙂

Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer by Fr. Dubay. This is a very small book, you can read it in a couple of hours. It is so very powerful. Read it outloud to you DS when you tire of singing “Old MacDonald” 🙂

About the need for an outlet and grown up conversation, you have a fantastic opportunity with your DH’s work schedule. You can go attend the Study groups or classes that I complain about “because they meet in the mornings”. Find something one morning each week - a class at the Community college, volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center, Bible study/prayer group at the Parish.

This could really help relieve some of your stress from feeling isolated.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top