Ugh! So mad at my husband!

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CathCentrist said:
So happy I am no longer married! 👍
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**I’m sad that you’re happy about it:(. **

kind of like being happy that a limb was amputated because it was terribly infected. Some things are necessary but should not bring joy.

Malia
 
I would have to agree with ‘LovedForever’ and get and read
Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” And her new one “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.”

I have been married for 30 years and found these books to be helpful also and I consider myself happily married.

Begin married is a great way of becoming a Saint. We each get to play martyr and/or Saint. 😉
 
kell0618 said:
Hello,

I understand the upset this has caused you. My husband of 15 years is in a management position and often will go out to lunch with people who work with/for him and sometimes an occasional potential new business associate. We have a clear agreement about not spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex. His best friend from high school happens to be a female and this is the only exception as she is a friend of the family and I trust my husband to the core. If he wants to reward a female employee for a job well done, he either takes her out with another person as well, or buys her something while out and brings it back with him. We both figure, “Why put yourself in an unnecessary position if it isn’t a matter of life or death?” I reciprocate equally, and this is more difficult for me. I work part time in a business that is 95% men. I have never once accepted an offer to have one buy me lunch, take me to lunch, etc. I am always gracious for the offer, but a simply no thank you works great.

I am not sure how this lunch was important as it wasn’t about closing a business deal and certainly the security of his job was not at stake. My suggestion is to do your best to let your anger dissolve a bit and let him know how this has hurt you. If you speak from pain and not anger, I think he’ll probably be more receptive.

God bless you for all the sacrifices it appears you have made for your family,

Kelly
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I just can’t figure out why a married man would ever want to be out with a single female. Can you imagine the office gossip? It may not be true but you don’t even need to remotely bring that in the situation…Also if she gets fired she can claim sexual harssement or other things and who is he going to get to back him up?? In today’s world you always have to look at for yourself and make sure that nothing looks or smells fishy…

Go by the rule that male doctors and teachers have to go with…Always leave the door open and have another female in the room with you.
 
I don’t understand a relationship where those involved are not allowed to spend time alone with the opposite sex. I don’t have a problem with my SO spending time with females, and he is not bothered by my almost exclusively male friends. We live 2 hours apart(until June).

Really, you sound a little too worried. It is possible for men to be friends with women(and vice versa) without it getting innapropriate. If you are in fact overreacting, you could even drive your husband away.
 
sing said:
It is possible for men to be friends with women(and vice versa) without it getting innapropriate. If you are in fact overreacting, you could even drive your husband
away.
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No it is not:nope:!!! I had this attitude and same way of thinking awhile back. I tried telling an ex-boyfriend of mine that it was okay to have friends, close friends of the opposite sex, that it wasn’t a big deal. He assured me that spending alot of time together (alone) with someone of the opposite sex was dangerous, that one, if not both, would almost always develop deeper feelings.

I didn’t believe him, especially since I had guy friends and wanted to keep them. I also didn’t spend much time with them alone so I didn’t feel like it was a big deal…until I started working on a project with one of these friends. He developed deeper feelings for me and told me about them, he also knew I had a serious boyfriend…he didn’t care. As time went on I found myself feeling something more than friendship for him, I didn’t say anything to him but I knew it was time to finish the project on my own and I did, I let him know that my relationship was serious and I didn’t want him hurt when I didn’t reciprocate.

He agreed and we tried to stay friends, but I distanced myself from him because I wondered what kind of person he was, knowing I was in a committed relationship and he didn’t care. It made me wonder, I also felt a bit weird and uncomfortable…but what was worse was that I also had started down that road and could’ve very easily cheated on my boyfriend, luckily I didn’t.

My ex was right, even if you don’t intend for something to happen, when you allow certain things to go on, it will. If you are really committed then you will make every effort to not put yourself in tempting situations, and that also means not hanging out alone with the opposite sex married, single or otherwise, just my:twocents:!
 
An important caveat, that is sure. It’s a good thing you didn’t ignore the hunches and I don’t like it when people do. Oh my, it’s just a friend, just a friend, why aren’t you letting me see him/her? Oh, and let me introduce to you my new “significant other”. Guess whom! Yep. :rolleyes:
 
I see not being alone with an unrelated female as a matter of self-protection. If I always have a witness, then I cannot be accused of doing something inappropriate. Along the same lines, I won’t be alone in a room with children that aren’t mine.

I don’t think it should be a matter of forbidding someone to do something, but it you should look at it from another perspective of protecting yourself. I have female friends, but I won’t go out with just them alone. That privilege is for my wife. It is not something that she forces on me, but something that I give to her for her peace of mind.

I think that what you really need to do is to persuade you husband that he is doing it of his own free will instead of doing it to make you happy. I know that is easier said than done.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**I’m sad that you’re happy about it:(. **

kind of like being happy that a limb was amputated because it was terribly infected. Some things are necessary but should not bring joy.

Malia
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Too bad your sad cuz I am GLAD. Life moves on and I dont look back at misery 👍
 
I agree that married men should not hang out with other women for fun. But work is another matter entirely. Usually, when you hire someone you take them to lunch on their first day. Sometimes others go along, sometimes not.

Many times men have to travel with female employees are they to eat dinner separately? It would be unprofessional and weird not to eat together.

Let’s use some common sense here. A man can easily have business relationships with women that are not a threat or a source of temptation. It’s business. It’s not like they’re “friends” just getting together to hang out…that would be an issue.
 
Ham1 said:
I agree that married men should not hang out with other women for fun. But work is another matter entirely. Usually, when you hire someone you take them to lunch on their first day. Sometimes others go along, sometimes not.

Many times men have to travel with female employees are they to eat dinner separately? It would be unprofessional and weird not to eat together.

Let’s use some common sense here. A man can easily have business relationships with women that are not a threat or a source of temptation. It’s business. It’s not like they’re “friends” just getting together to hang out…that would be an issue.
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I have to disagree. I think you miss the point here.
It’s not an “either/or” scenario. Either it’s “fun” time or “business” time and therefore if it’s a business thing then it’s in some other category and deserves no restraint.
Wrong!
As a poster pointed out earlier as a wonderful example - Billy Graham NEVER has allowed himself to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. Business related or not.
That is just plain wise and prudent.

We don’t cease to be human with vulnerabilities and emotions simply because we are out having lunch with a member of the opposite sex! We do not check our emotions at the door of the office before we leave for that lunch.

Unfortunately, there is a long trail of heartache and broken families from the fallout of “affairs” that have occurred in the workplace. Had those involved DECIDED upfront that they were going to employ the same kind of prudent measures and attitude that Billy Graham did - those broken hearts and homes might still be intact.

I do not think it true that “usually” when you hire someone you take them out to lunch. That has not been my experience. Not to mention the fact that perhaps many new employees would be uncomfortable going out to lunch with a new boss and member of the opposite sex! I know I would be.
 
LovedForever said:
Had those involved DECIDED upfront that they were going to employ the same kind of prudent measures and attitude that Billy Graham did - those broken hearts and homes might still be intact.
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i have found that women agree to this point far more than men do… as they think that they are strong enough to do it and yet control their emotions… but I know for a fact that people who think that platonic friendships can exist between men and women are just plain wrong!!!

I have seen it in my own marriage so I am a witness… whenever you spend a lot of time talking to the guys whether u r single or married, they end up getting emotionally attached to you…

accept it everyone… its better to be safe than sorry!!!
 
I’d be a baby and start throwing things…then when he gets home he would hear an earful and sleep on the couch!
I’m sure your stituation is nothing. But at the same time I cant help but feel suspicious!
 
crazyage3 said:
I’d be a baby and start throwing things…then when he gets home he would hear an earful and sleep on the couch!
I’m sure your stituation is nothing. But at the same time I cant help but feel suspicious!
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I think what would bother me the most is that he not only lied - but didn’t seem to care about how it would make his wife feel.
Then again - I think he DID know how it would make her feel…??? :confused:
 
LovedForever said:
I have to disagree. I think you miss the point here.
It’s not an “either/or” scenario. Either it’s “fun” time or “business” time and therefore if it’s a business thing then it’s in some other category and deserves no restraint.
Wrong!
As a poster pointed out earlier as a wonderful example - Billy Graham NEVER has allowed himself to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. Business related or not.
That is just plain wise and prudent.

We don’t cease to be human with vulnerabilities and emotions simply because we are out having lunch with a member of the opposite sex! We do not check our emotions at the door of the office before we leave for that lunch.

Unfortunately, there is a long trail of heartache and broken families from the fallout of “affairs” that have occurred in the workplace. Had those involved DECIDED upfront that they were going to employ the same kind of prudent measures and attitude that Billy Graham did - those broken hearts and homes might still be intact.

I do not think it true that “usually” when you hire someone you take them out to lunch. That has not been my experience. Not to mention the fact that perhaps many new employees would be uncomfortable going out to lunch with a new boss and member of the opposite sex! I know I would be.
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I really disagree. Work is work. If a man can’t act professionally around women that’s a problem. Yes, you can be safe rather than sorry then why not go the Muslim route and not allow women to speak to men who are not their husbands. That would be even safer. Where do you draw the line?

Yes, taking a person out to lunch is common etiquette in the professional world. Same with eating together when traveling. If someone is uncomfortable eating meals with the opposite sex perhaps they should not be working in a business environment.

I have been on these lunch and dinner meetings literally hundreds of times. They have never been a source of temptation in any way. And I am no superman, it’s just that the way these meetings are conducted are professional. There are boundaries that are never even approached.

I’m sorry but your opinion does not seem to reflect what I have experienced at all.

Have you been on many of these one on one meetings over a meal?
 
As a woman in the business world, Ham1 reflects my experience.

One has to maintain a professional attitude, and in the business world - coming off as “aloof” by refusing to eat a meal with your boss or co-worker could be the end of your carreer!
 
Chovy,

Glad to hear you worked out everything with your husband :).
Ham1 said:
I really disagree. Work is work. If a man can’t act professionally around women that’s a problem. Yes, you can be safe rather than sorry then why not go the Muslim route and not allow women to speak to men who are not their husbands. That would be even safer. Where do you draw the line?

Yes, taking a person out to lunch is common etiquette in the professional world. Same with eating together when traveling. If someone is uncomfortable eating meals with the opposite sex perhaps they should not be working in a business environment.

I have been on these lunch and dinner meetings literally hundreds of times. They have never been a source of temptation in any way. And I am no superman, it’s just that the way these meetings are conducted are professional. There are boundaries that are never even approached.

I’m sorry but your opinion does not seem to reflect what I have experienced at all.

Have you been on many of these one on one meetings over a meal?
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Many women and men can handle a business lunch/dinner situation, and usually only once, one-on-one won’t do anything. However, when it’s unneccessary, why even put yourself in that position? There are no such things as platonic friendships between members of the opposite sex. One of those members at some point in time has feelings for the other, regardless of situation, and if you are married, your best bet is to avoid those situations.

Besides, the original poster had an agreement with her husband. That was the main problem - he made a promise and then decided to break it, without discussing it with her first, knowing her insecurities. My husband and I have had many conversations regarding friendships with the opposite sex and we’ve also agreed no exclusiveness. We both came into this marriage with opposite-sex friendships and we got to know these people, so they’d be OUR friends, not just HIS or MINE.

Business can turn into pleasure without us even realizing it. That’s not to say it will, but if you can invite a third member or your whole dept., wouldn’t it be more prudent to do that?
 
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