Ugh! So mad at my husband!

[mariam1976]

I really disagree. Work is work. If a man can’t act professionally around women that’s a problem. Yes, you can be safe rather than sorry then why not go the Muslim route and not allow women to speak to men who are not their husbands. That would be even safer. Where do you draw the line?

Yes, taking a person out to lunch is common etiquette in the professional world. Same with eating together when traveling. If someone is uncomfortable eating meals with the opposite sex perhaps they should not be working in a business environment.

I have been on these lunch and dinner meetings literally hundreds of times. They have never been a source of temptation in any way. And I am no superman, it’s just that the way these meetings are conducted are professional. There are boundaries that are never even approached.

I’m sorry but your opinion does not seem to reflect what I have experienced at all.

Have you been on many of these one on one meetings over a meal?

having a one-to-one meeting over lunch is not necessary… what can be done at lunch one-to-one that cannot be done in the office??? after all it is supposed to be about work right?

when you go out for lunch, you enter into a personal one-to-one with the person and taking your secretary out to lunch does not seem to be one which is needed to increase your business or complete your work… were they working while they went out…???

i am simply not comfortable with this whole episode…as i went through this whole thing with my husband… he kept insisting that they were just friends but during a time of weakness, he admitted that i was expecting him to be saint!!!

as one wise person on this forum pointed out, i was not expecting him to be a saint… i was very aware of his weaknesses which is the reason why i forbade him to do it!!!

its stupid to do stuff like this becos you are basically saying that your marriage and the trust in the marriage is less important than that lunch with your secretary???

 

[LovedForever]

I really disagree. Work is work. If a man can’t act professionally around women that’s a problem. Yes, you can be safe rather than sorry then why not go the Muslim route and not allow women to speak to men who are not their husbands. That would be even safer. Where do you draw the line?

Yes, taking a person out to lunch is common etiquette in the professional world. Same with eating together when traveling. If someone is uncomfortable eating meals with the opposite sex perhaps they should not be working in a business environment.

I have been on these lunch and dinner meetings literally hundreds of times. They have never been a source of temptation in any way. And I am no superman, it’s just that the way these meetings are conducted are professional. There are boundaries that are never even approached.

I’m sorry but your opinion does not seem to reflect what I have experienced at all.

Have you been on many of these one on one meetings over a meal?

It is a different thing when a business meeting is “necessary” as opposed to something clearly optional.

Of course I understand that in the business world there are times when these things must take place.
However, not all men and women possess your integrity.
Sadly, too many today do not.

Just as prudence and plain old common sense has been thrown out the window on our college campuses today with CO-ED dorms and even bathrooms! - so goes the attitude in the rest of the world as well.
Restraint and common sense has been tossed aside to make way for a more “enlightened” attitude. Freedom they call it.

We can thank the radical feminists for much of this nonsense.

So, I think it is important to distinguish between essential and non-essential types of “lunches” or other situations in the workplace that occur. Those that are “intimate” - one on one.
You can call it “professional” all you want as if that innoculates those involved from any emotional involvement.
I think the other “P” word is more important: Prudence.

 

[Ham1]

Chovy,

Glad to hear you worked out everything with your husband .

Many women and men can handle a business lunch/dinner situation, and usually only once, one-on-one won’t do anything. However, when it’s unneccessary, why even put yourself in that position? There are no such things as platonic friendships between members of the opposite sex. One of those members at some point in time has feelings for the other, regardless of situation, and if you are married, your best bet is to avoid those situations.

Besides, the original poster had an agreement with her husband. That was the main problem - he made a promise and then decided to break it, without discussing it with her first, knowing her insecurities.** My husband and I have had many conversations regarding friendships with the opposite sex and we’ve also agreed no exclusiveness.** We both came into this marriage with opposite-sex friendships and we got to know these people, so they’d be OUR friends, not just HIS or MINE.

Business can turn into pleasure without us even realizing it. That’s not to say it will, but if you can invite a third member or your whole dept., wouldn’t it be more prudent to do that?

I totally agree with the bolded statement. I am not speaking of friends having a meal without spouses. That would be very very awkward and inappropriate. I am talking about business lunches and dinners. These are probably not at all what you imagine them to be. They are not anything like a man meeting a friend for a meal. They are professional and conducted differently than a purely social meal.

Would it be safer to never attend meetings like this? Maybe. But it would be even safer to never speak to other men, wear a head covering and never leave your house without your husband. So, where do we draw the line? Some of you seem to want to draw the line at no meals with other women even if they are of a business matter. This rule may come to seriously hurt your husband’s career. Business meals are an important part of the way business is done, particularly at higher levels.

How many posters have attended many meetings like this and still feel that they are inappropriate? My guess is not many.

 

[Ham1]

having a one-to-one meeting over lunch is not necessary… what can be done at lunch one-to-one that cannot be done in the office??? after all it is supposed to be about work right?

when you go out for lunch, you enter into a personal one-to-one with the person and taking your secretary out to lunch does not seem to be one which is needed to increase your business or complete your work… were they working while they went out…???

i am simply not comfortable with this whole episode…as i went through this whole thing with my husband… he kept insisting that they were just friends but during a time of weakness, he admitted that i was expecting him to be saint!!!

as one wise person on this forum pointed out, i was not expecting him to be a saint… i was very aware of his weaknesses which is the reason why i forbade him to do it!!!

its stupid to do stuff like this becos you are basically saying that your marriage and the trust in the marriage is less important than that lunch with your secretary???

Have you ever attended one on one lunch meetings? They are not what you think. It sounds like you have some history with your husband that leads you to have these rules. That’s fine, that’s your call. But I don’t think they are practical for everyone else or at all necessary.

Of course, if a husband and wife agree to something they should both abide by it.

The reason you take people out is because it shows that they mean something to you in a business sense. You are showing them that they are important and have value to the company. This is enormously significant in providing a good and rewarding work environment.

 

[chevalier]

Hey, there’s a difference between co-ed bathrooms and having a lunch with someone. Even co-ed bathrooms don’t have to be sinful per se, while they are incredibly tacky and egalitarian in a sense that painfully gets on my nerves. But a lunch? I’ve gone to pubs with female friends without thinking of it as a date, and a normal meal is probably less than that.

 

[lotusblossom]

I totally agree with the bolded statement. I am not speaking of friends having a meal without spouses. That would be very very awkward and inappropriate. I am talking about business lunches and dinners. These are probably not at all what you imagine them to be. They are not anything like a man meeting a friend for a meal. They are professional and conducted differently than a purely social meal.

Would it be safer to never attend meetings like this? Maybe. But it would be even safer to never speak to other men, wear a head covering and never leave your house without your husband. So, where do we draw the line? Some of you seem to want to draw the line at no meals with other women even if they are of a business matter. This rule may come to seriously hurt your husband’s career. Business meals are an important part of the way business is done, particularly at higher levels.

How many posters have attended many meetings like this and still feel that they are inappropriate? My guess is not many.

You’re right regarding business meals. However, the original poster’s husband did not sound like it was a necessary business meal. A meal for the specific purpose of discussing business is not bad, but taking your secretary out exclusively could be avoided. Invite other employees or have a lunch at the workplace, welcoming her. Working in an office setting as a secretary, not once did any of my male bosses/co-workers ask me to lunch, but my female ones had. Working now as an accountant, I don’t do actual business meals, but when I began my job here, my whole department went out to get to know me. It seems like this particular situation is more informal than a typical business meal.

 

[mariam1976]

Have you ever attended one on one lunch meetings? They are not what you think. It sounds like you have some history with your husband that leads you to have these rules. That’s fine, that’s your call. But I don’t think they are practical for everyone else or at all necessary.
Of course, if a husband and wife agree to something they should both abide by it.
The reason you take people out is because it shows that they mean something to you in a business sense. You are showing them that they are important and have value to the company. This is enormously significant in providing a good and rewarding work environment.

i am a working woman and i have attended lunch meetings… they have always been in a group setting… i always make it a point to go out if it is a business luncheon in a group… but I do not think it is necessary to go out to lunch with a secretary to make her feel rewarded or welcome in a company… you have got to be kidding me!!! is that the only way you see that you can praise and make people feel like they belong… sheesh!!! that can be very well done in the company office in a group setting…

like someone wisely commented, we have all this thanks to the so-called feminism… which is not the original women wanted it to be at all!!!

 

[Ham1]

i am a working woman and i have attended lunch meetings… they have always been in a group setting… i always make it a point to go out if it is a business luncheon in a group… but I do not think it is necessary to go out to lunch with a secretary to make her feel rewarded or welcome in a company… you have got to be kidding me!!! is that the only way you see that you can praise and make people feel like they belong… sheesh!!! that can be very well done in the company office in a group setting…

like someone wisely commented, we have all this thanks to the so-called feminism… which is not the original women wanted it to be at all!!!

Ever heard of Secretary’s Day? Is it really that crazy for someone to take her (or him) out for lunch on that day?

Yes, sometimes these meetings are in a group setting, sometimes they are not (especially when traveling…should they eat alone in the same restaurant?) Of course, if you’re uncomfortable with it, then certainly don’t attend such meetings, but please realize that for the majority of the workforce there is nothing inappropriate about such meetings.

 

[mariam1976]

well considering that divorce is at 50% and probably going to be higher very soon, a majority of the people do not have a problem with that either… i guess that is ok tooo???

and i dont think it was secretary’s day when her husband took the secretary out for lunch nor was is it necessary for him to keep it a secret if it was no big deal!!!

if you cant see anything wrong with the scenario that she is describing, then please do read marriagebuilders.com - policy of joint agreement… he says that both have to enthusiastically agree to it… and she obviously isnt!! so it is more important to take the secretary out for lunch to make her feel valued than make his wife feel valued and cherished by understanding her insecurities!!!

 

[sing]

Excessive insecurity is a mental problem, one that often requires therapy(i’m still in therapy for it).

 

[kage_ar]

For 2 years, I had an unmarried male assistant - this is the up-to-date term for “secretary” (I am a married woman).

When working on a projects, we would be required in to visit other cities. We would board an airplane, fly to the other city, get in a rental car, drive to a office - do our work, drive to a hotel, meet for dinner, discuss the plan for the next day’s work, again work in an office - sometimes this would last for up to a week before our return home. That is life in the business world.

I’ve traveled with men and women, married and single, my bosses, my employees and my co-workers. We have traveled for as long as 2 weeks at a distant location - during those times we do eat and even socialize! It in no way has any sort of romantic overtones. It is business, plain and simple.

Perhaps every person is not cut out for the business world, and that is what makes life grand - we are all different

 

[chevalier]

and i dont think it was secretary’s day when her husband took the secretary out for lunch nor was is it necessary for him to keep it a secret if it was no big deal!!!

Keeping it a secret is indeed a problem and creates suspicions, but sometimes people keep things secret not because they are genuinely ashamed but because they fear the reception and/or don’t want to hurt someone.

Later you say that a good man should be more considerate about the wife’s insecurities and that is true. However, we could easily turn the table and ask what a good wife should be considerate about. I think insecurities are best addressed by providing care, compassion and explanation, but not by surrendering control.

I’m having the feeling there’s something more in here than just the idea of the gentleman we’re talking about having a lunch with his secretary. Aren’t we thinking about what else might happen or where it can lead, rather than the “act” itself? Besides, I doubt insecurities are triggered by an isolated act of having a lunch with the secretary. Insecurities are more about what’s hidden or what may happen yet. Maybe that’s something that needs discussion? Chovy, perhaps you need your husband to show you that you’re the only woman he cares for (that way), that he still has feelings for you, to show you affection, attention, and spend more time with you? I’m sure if everything were in order in that regard, you wouldn’t think much about a lunch with a secretary. Note: He’d better explain the lying, the dodgy excuses or whatever it was and try to keep things clean and transparent, of course.

 

[Ham1]

Several clarifications are in order…

well considering that divorce is at 50% and probably going to be higher very soon, a majority of the people do not have a problem with that either… i guess that is ok tooo???

Ok…this doesn’t follow. No, I am not in favor of divorce. That is a silly comment.

and i dont think it was secretary’s day when her husband took the secretary out for lunch nor was is it necessary for him to keep it a secret if it was no big deal!!!

Just to clarify…there was no secret:

So today, he went to work, and called me 15 minutes ago to let me know he was taking his new, unmarried secretary out to lunch

if you cant see anything wrong with the scenario that she is describing, then please do read marriagebuilders.com - policy of joint agreement… he says that both have to enthusiastically agree to it… and she obviously isnt!! so it is more important to take the secretary out for lunch to make her feel valued than make his wife feel valued and cherished by understanding her insecurities!!!

I do see something wrong with the situation of the original poster which is why I posted this earlier in the thread:

Of course, if a husband and wife agree to something they should both abide by it.

 

[Ham1]

For 2 years, I had an unmarried male assistant - this is the up-to-date term for “secretary” (I am a married woman).

When working on a projects, we would be required in to visit other cities. We would board an airplane, fly to the other city, get in a rental car, drive to a office - do our work, drive to a hotel, meet for dinner, discuss the plan for the next day’s work, again work in an office - sometimes this would last for up to a week before our return home. That is life in the business world.

I’ve traveled with men and women, married and single, my bosses, my employees and my co-workers. We have traveled for as long as 2 weeks at a distant location - during those times we do eat and even socialize! It in no way has any sort of romantic overtones. It is business, plain and simple.

Perhaps every person is not cut out for the business world, and that is what makes life grand - we are all different

great post…this is what it’s like folks…it’s not people having scandalous lunches.