Unable to forgive parents

  • Thread starter Thread starter new_atheist
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

new_atheist

Guest
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
It depends. Have they changed? Do you really expect an explanation (they probably don’t have one), or do you want to ask them just to put them on the spot?

Please don’t take this wrong, I’m not criticizing you, I know exactly what it’s like. Those are questions you need to ask yourself before you do anything. It’s very difficult to forgive those who were supposed to take care of you and did just the opposite. After all these years, I still pray to be able to do that.
 
You are able to forgive them. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a warm fuzzy feeling. You can choose to make that act of the will, choose to forgive them, right now if you want to. You might not, indeed need not, feel like spending time with them or have any real positive feelings about them or what they did, but you can forgive them.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
I am sorry about your past and it’s deep hurts. It is tough to forgive those that have deeply hurt us and over time. I would image the terrible childhood you had might be the reason you are an atheist? Putting religion aside, I do know that many secular psychologist do point out that those that learn to forgive others end up healthier and happier in the long run. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse past wrongs or sweep deep hurts under the rug, but there is secular evidence that forgiveness will bring about healing for you. Forgiveness is more of the act of the will than butterfly emotions. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are now best friends and bosom buddies. I would try to look at forgiveness of your parents as something you are doing for yourself to free you from the past to move forward so the bad childhood you had no longer is a ball a chain for you today. I hope this helps you heal.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
You assume they know why. If they were that self aware, they wouldn’t have been the way they were. Is there a mental illness, is there a personality disorder, is there something else in their past? (Rhetorical questions) These may all be undiagnosed and unexplored. And you may be the only one wanting to explore.

You assume it will make some difference in your life. Why do want to dredge it up? Do you think they are now the kind of people who want to “talk about their feelings”? Who feel remorse? Who have changed? Are you wanting to hear that they are sorry for what they did-- some big realization moment?

Probably not going to happen.

Often, people do the best they can at the time, and we don’t see the whole picture as children. There is no excuse for abuse, violence, etc. But I don’t really think it will solve anything to confront them on their “bad behavior”.

Let it go. This comes from someone with experience in such matters. Move beyond it, don’t let it define you.
 
I am sorry your parents were as such. Unfortunately a lot of people experience bad parenting. I don’t recommend bringing this up with your parents. I find from my experience and that of my friends that the offending parents are in denial or just brush it off as it being the “old-fashioned” way of child-rearing.

That said you might try to find the reason why they behaved that way. As an example, both of my parents had awful childhoods and my mother was passed back and forth from relative to relative. You can pray to ask God to help you overcome the anger too.
 
Let it go. This is my opinion after having experienced grave consequences for making that same mistake.
 
So many questions, so many variables.

Asking them might help, but understanding the very big picture and how parenting falls into it, will probably help you more with trying to figure out your past.

Your folks might not define the time period the same as you.

Maybe just start with “how would you define your early years in parenting with me”

Then sit back listen and thank them first. If you shoot back quickly, it doesn’t show a real intent to know or listen.

Go in for a discussion without prejudice and open to understanding how difficult parenting can be in light of all the other things grabbing at people.

Stress from other sources is always vented in the home. Few people keep a job by venting at work.

Anger can be traced to other items like stress and / or sin. Addicts can get very angry, no matter what it is they are abusing or using. Porn has a ‘crack’ effect on the brain, for instance.

A key variable that can effect a child’s early years and parent-child relationship is order of children.

First children are always and will always be guinea pigs.

I was much tougher on my first than the rest in early years, I was learning.

Another thing that is really hard for parents is to ‘let go’.

It’s really hard to say ‘yes’ to letting the little birdie try to fly, because you know you will watch it fall.

Sometimes this is transferred through an angry ‘no’.

There are so many variables why people do what they do, discussing them might be good, but if you find yourself wanting to talk more than listen, fight the urge, and you will get good info.

Take care,
 
If it were me, I wouldn’t have that conversation with them. If they have changed, they would approach you and say they were sorry. If that hasn’t happened, chances are they don’t admit to themselves how it was.

Don’t think because you don’t FEEL good inside about them, that you can’t forgive. As another poster said, forgiveness is an act of the will. You can forgive, but that doesn’t mean you will feel good about your parents or what they did. It doesn’t mean that your family will turn into the Waltons all of a sudden. You aren’t obligated to have a close relationship with abusive people. Just pray for them and wish good for them.

I’m sorry you had such bad experiences growing up. Sending a prayer your way.
 
In my family all of us abused by my dad were able to forgive him except one sister. She carries the past around like a ball and chain.Forgiveness is more for us than the one who has wronged us. Especially if the one who wronged us is able to rationalize or justify their abuse.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
You could ask that, but to get to the bottom of that question, you would probably need to phrase it a bit differently. Otherwise, the response would probably be defensive, even aggressive.

You could say, “Mom/Dad, what was it like when you were growing up? How did your parents treat you? It couldn’t have been easy raising me/us…”

If you really interested in knowing, that would be more the approach to take. Seek to understand. Try to find out what your parents have gone through, and perhaps that might shed some light on the subject.

Ask if they had ever been abused in any way.
 
Hi new atheist,

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

I would try talking to them for your own peace of mind, but I have to say, don’t expect much from them by doing so. What I mean by this is don’t expect anything to change by talking to them.

I have been where you are, but regarding my Mom. She went into denial about her behavior.
 
1ke said:

“You assume they know why. If they were that self aware, they wouldn’t have been the way they were. Is there a mental illness, is there a personality disorder, is there something else in their past? (Rhetorical questions) These may all be undiagnosed and unexplored. And you may be the only one wanting to explore.”

Yep.

On top of that, they may have forgotten everything. It’s really going to make the OP feel crazy if they say, “Oh, that didn’t happen. I don’t remember that.” And they genuinely may have forgotten. (Or just “forgotten.”)
 
It’s okay to ask them. I’d tread carefully with this. But don’t be surprised if they deny it. Some people don’t realize what they are doing. Some people are acting out of their own pain and it doesn’t occur to them how it affects others.
 
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for those who wronged you. You do it because you no longer want the other party to rule your thoughts. There is nothing in the process of forgiveness that says you have to like the other person or just get along with them, nothing in the process of forgiveness that says you have to forget everything, sweep the wrongdoing under the rug.

I’m fond of telling people God forgives, but that is in the spiritual realm. The sinner, the wrongdoer still have to face the temporal consequences for their actions.
 
You assume they know why. If they were that self aware, they wouldn’t have been the way they were. Is there a mental illness, is there a personality disorder, is there something else in their past? (Rhetorical questions) These may all be undiagnosed and unexplored. And you may be the only one wanting to explore.

You assume it will make some difference in your life. Why do want to dredge it up? Do you think they are now the kind of people who want to “talk about their feelings”? Who feel remorse? Who have changed? Are you wanting to hear that they are sorry for what they did-- some big realization moment?

Probably not going to happen.

Often, people do the best they can at the time, and we don’t see the whole picture as children. There is no excuse for abuse, violence, etc. But I don’t really think it will solve anything to confront them on their “bad behavior”.

Let it go. This comes from someone with experience in such matters. Move beyond it, don’t let it define you.
This is a really good response. I’m in much the same situation, but I’ve come to learn that as unfair as it seems, my family does not know the ways in which they have been abusive and wrong. They are human, with their own problems and flaws, and while I do not have to put up with mistreatment, it is helpful for me to remember the place they come from, and they truly don’t understand – I’ve spent most of my life being the parent to damaged adults, and it’s not fair, but there’s also nothing I can do about that, except to treat them as the hurt and fallible people they are, which doesn’t excuse them, but it makes it a lot easier to accept them.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
People generally do not own up to their faults, especially something like admitting you abused your child. I bet they would just get angry, say they did their best and expect you to accept it.

I had a very abusive childhood and my parents have never owned up or taken accountability, but I have still forgiven them and I’m actually able to be friends with them now. I will never leave my kids alone with my father, but I have an amicable friendship with him.
 
I’m sorry you went through such pain and torment.I guess you can approach it like some posters have said.Just start with some sort of innocus question. Something simple such as must have been tough raising us /me.What was it like for you growing up etc.
You don’t want to start some firestorm right off the bat even though you aren’t trying to provoke a fight. Do you have any relatives on either side you could ask about their childhoods who will keep his or her mouth shut and won’t blab to them you asked the question?
Not saying this to be mean but it seems again you have to tread lightly around them when asking loaded questions.Not trying to discourage you but that is a possiblity .
Maybe part of their problem is the way they were raised.They were neglected or bullied by their parents or other siblings or even abused by beatings,etc.
Perhasp that was why they acted the way they did. They were young and didn’t feel they could hit back aginst their abuser or weren’t believed when relaying the tale of abuse.So they took their pain and anger on you and any brothers or sisters.
Or maybe a parent has grand visions of some sort of brilliant career,whether in sports, acting etc. Some times the man feels that the woman and his child have trapped him.Or the woman feels the same way about her children and husband.Oh if I hadn’t married so and so my life would have been different.

I’m just saying this to give anyone some sort of idea where people like this might be coming from.And then sometimes you might find other siblings of theirs loving good natured people who are the exact opposite.They were all raised together and yet some how these others don’t seem to fit.
I do hope you eventually will be able to forgive them and more importantly that they see the light and apologize to you for their behaviour. May that the Holy Spirit will heal them and yourself. Remember Our Lord is always there to comfort you as you try to understand the past of their lives and how it has affected you.
 
Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
“Hating someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I would like to share with you a bit of what I have learned about forgiveness.

If you feel hatred, anger or resentment, than you own those feelings and are accountable for their presense in your life, there is one thing worse than being hurt by someone and that is keeping that hurt alive, you have the ability to forgive those people who have mistreated you, not as a gift to them, but as a gift to yourself.

Forgiveness will set you free from pain others have caused you, forgiveness will free you from those feelings of hatred anger and resentment that you choose to carry and I emphasise choose, it is a choice to carry those feelings, it is illogical to do so, as those feelings change who you are, your hatred, anger, and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy, and relaxation.

To assume that you can turn your feelings of hate, anger or resentment on and off like a light switch is naïve, these feelings of bitterness and anger are such powerful influences that once they enter your heart, they are present in all of your relationships.

They truly do make you become a different person. Who you were goes away, and now you are defined by the hatred and bitterness. Ultimately, what makes these emotions so powerful is that they change who you are.

There’s something else you must consider: you cannot give away what you do not have.

You cannot give pure and accepting love from a pure and accepting heart if you have neither. That would mean giving away what you do not have. If the love in your heart is contaminated, if growing within it is the cancer of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the only love that you have to give.

If your heart has turned cold and hard because of hatred, anger, and resentment, then that is the heart from which all your emotions spring. That is the love and that is the heart that you have to offer your loved ones and fellow human beings. Hatred, anger, and resentment truly change who you are. They truly prevent you from being able to give to those you love that which you want them to have.

Many people say: *“I can’t forgive because they aren’t sorry and they don’t deserve or even want my forgiveness.” *If that’s the standard, there are many people in this world who, clearly, will never be entitled to forgiveness, but you do not realise that forgiveness is all about you, it’s all about the gift of freeing yourself from such ugly emotions, you didn’t do the crime, so why are the choosing to do the additional time?

It’s about you saying "I will not bond with you through hatred, anger, or resentment. I will not bond with you through fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I do not, and I will not, You are the one who commited the crime, I don’t have to continue to suffer for it and I refuse to, by forgiving you I am releasing myself from that emotional prison you have locked me in, you cannot misstreat me and than continue hurting me through those feelings of hatred, anger or resentment, I make that choice, not you.”

Take the power back from those who have hurt you, they don’t have the right to hurt you and than continue hurting you through those emotions of hatred, anger or resentment, the choice is and always has been all yours, free yourself from the pain that they have caused you by forgiving them.

By taking this approach and rethinking the meaning of forgiveness, you can set yourself free from the pain that has been caused by others in your life.

The power of forgiveness is the power to set yourself free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. Seize the power and rise above the pain. You are worth it, and everyone you love deserves it.

Christ told us that our Hearts are where our treasure is, it’s a treasure that does not rust and cannot be stolen! It can only be given away, and we choose to give it away freely when we harbor those ugly emotions of hatred anger, or resentment toward someone who has mistreated us, take the power back from those who have hurt you! take your treasure back! Forgiveness is a gift! reclaim your heart!

“Do not be conqured by evil, but conquer evil with good.” - Romans 12:21

What do you stand to gain by harboring those ugly emotions of hatred, anger or resentment toward someone? … nothing but more pain and heartache on yourself.

Please continue to next post -
 
Continued from above post -

Now when you think of the wrong doing, instead of emotions such as hatred, anger or resentment, these will instead be emotions of pity.

Pity means feeling for others, particularly feelings of sadness or sorrow towards someone, this is what replaces those ugly emotions of hatred, anger and resentment towards someone, this is what forgiveness does, you cannot become indifferent about such mistreatment, but you can remove those ugly emotions through forgiveness, forgiveness replaces those ugly emotions with pity, because it doesn’t take much guess work to realise that those who have mistreated you are usually locked in their own prison of hatred, anger or resentment themselves.

Remember: Forgiveness is a choice! (Even Christ taught forgiveness as a choice, not something that needed to be worked at, but rather a choice that needed to be made Matthew 18, so make the choice! because you are worth it and you deserve it! you deserve to be free of those emotions of hatred, anger and resentment, not forgiving someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die).

I would also like to share with you a true story I heard on the radio once and why I believe forgiveness doesn’t mean putting yourself in vulnerable situations, as it says in the gospels “don’t give to dogs what belongs to God as they will only turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6 and “I am sending you like lambs into a pack of wolves. So be as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves. 17 Watch out for people who will take you to court and have you beaten in their meeting places.” Matthew 10:16-17

There was a woman who was telling this story on the radio about how she was sexually abused by her father, when she grew up, she forgave her father, but she refused to learn from what had happened, being naive, she than left her son vulnerable to her father, in which the same thing ended up happening.

It’s a great tragedy that the daughter(mother) was abused by her father, but I believe it is an even greater tradgedy that the mother refused to learn from what had happened, who chose to be naive about her father, and thus irresponsibly left her son in such a vulnerable situation for the exact same thing to happen.

I believe you don’t judge people to be good or bad, you instead gather information about a person and make an informed decision. Trust is earnt, I believe they do not gain trust through forgiveness and that forgiveness doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn from what has happened, like Dr Phil say’s “I believe giving people the benefit of the doubt is reckless, not virtuous”

I would also like to share with you a list of quotes on forgiveness that I believe are very good.

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” -Ben Franklin

“Do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence, God said, vengeance is mine." - Author unknown

Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. You have to choose it. -Dr Phil

Don’t give your power away. The pain of what happened is inevitable, but continuing to suffer is optional. The only person you can control is you. By constantly re-living the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away to the person who wronged you. - Dr Phil

Don’t cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. - Dr Phil

There is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious choice every day to forgive. To say, “I’m letting this go. I’m not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore.” You can find closure in forgiveness. - Dr Phil

You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now. - Dr Phil

“12 Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” -Matthew 6:12

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” -Pope Alexander

And Remember, the stronger the emotions of hatred, anger or resentment, the greater the gifts that you will recieve when you let them go. You deserve to be free of those feelings! why choose to hurt yourself?

I hope I have helped

Thank you for reading
Josh
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top