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Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
It depends. Have they changed? Do you really expect an explanation (they probably don’t have one), or do you want to ask them just to put them on the spot?Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
I am sorry about your past and it’s deep hurts. It is tough to forgive those that have deeply hurt us and over time. I would image the terrible childhood you had might be the reason you are an atheist? Putting religion aside, I do know that many secular psychologist do point out that those that learn to forgive others end up healthier and happier in the long run. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse past wrongs or sweep deep hurts under the rug, but there is secular evidence that forgiveness will bring about healing for you. Forgiveness is more of the act of the will than butterfly emotions. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are now best friends and bosom buddies. I would try to look at forgiveness of your parents as something you are doing for yourself to free you from the past to move forward so the bad childhood you had no longer is a ball a chain for you today. I hope this helps you heal.Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
You assume they know why. If they were that self aware, they wouldn’t have been the way they were. Is there a mental illness, is there a personality disorder, is there something else in their past? (Rhetorical questions) These may all be undiagnosed and unexplored. And you may be the only one wanting to explore.Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
You could ask that, but to get to the bottom of that question, you would probably need to phrase it a bit differently. Otherwise, the response would probably be defensive, even aggressive.Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
This is a really good response. I’m in much the same situation, but I’ve come to learn that as unfair as it seems, my family does not know the ways in which they have been abusive and wrong. They are human, with their own problems and flaws, and while I do not have to put up with mistreatment, it is helpful for me to remember the place they come from, and they truly don’t understand – I’ve spent most of my life being the parent to damaged adults, and it’s not fair, but there’s also nothing I can do about that, except to treat them as the hurt and fallible people they are, which doesn’t excuse them, but it makes it a lot easier to accept them.You assume they know why. If they were that self aware, they wouldn’t have been the way they were. Is there a mental illness, is there a personality disorder, is there something else in their past? (Rhetorical questions) These may all be undiagnosed and unexplored. And you may be the only one wanting to explore.
You assume it will make some difference in your life. Why do want to dredge it up? Do you think they are now the kind of people who want to “talk about their feelings”? Who feel remorse? Who have changed? Are you wanting to hear that they are sorry for what they did-- some big realization moment?
Probably not going to happen.
Often, people do the best they can at the time, and we don’t see the whole picture as children. There is no excuse for abuse, violence, etc. But I don’t really think it will solve anything to confront them on their “bad behavior”.
Let it go. This comes from someone with experience in such matters. Move beyond it, don’t let it define you.
People generally do not own up to their faults, especially something like admitting you abused your child. I bet they would just get angry, say they did their best and expect you to accept it.Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.
“Hating someone is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die.”Is it right to ask your aging parents why they acted so mean when you were young? I have a father whom I described as vicious, violent and sadistic and a mother who was negligent, bias and aloof.