Unavoidable cohabitation with my fiancee

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EphelDuath

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Forward disclaimer: I am serious in my devotion to the Catholic faith. My fiancee is attending RCIA of her own volition because she wants to be Catholic, not just for me. We are not sexually active and have agreed to be chaste before marriage. We are both 22 years old, and our wedding date is set for next May. I have a male roommate in the other room of my apartment, and his wife will be moving into the same room next month.

That being said, my fiancee was previous to last week living with her parents who were verbally abusing and controlling her. They demanded that she turn over all of her pay checks to them, while they virulently mocked her for her decision to become Catholic while calling her lazy and accusing her of using their home as a ‘hotel’ since she would spend her weekends with me. We’ve both agreed that we’ve had enough of that so she moved into my apartment.

I’m highly scrupulous about our decision to cohabitate, because it doubtlessly appears scandalous to others and also might hurt our future chances for a successful marriage. But I’m at a loss for what to do; she has no female friends she can stay with (the only people she has talked to in over a year is me and my two best male friends), no income or savings to move out on her own with, and no driver’s license, all because of the various ways her parents were controlling her relationships and finances. Furthermore, since we’re not concerned about being unchaste (neither of us have a particularly fierce sex drive; we’re both manic depressives, and also quite set upon premarital chastity, thanks be to God), I’m debating with myself about if it would be best if she just lived with me until we got married.

Please advise. God bless.
 
I’m sorry to hear that your fiance is treated so poorly by her parents. I’m sure you realize this will impact your marriage going forward.

All of your reasons for wanting her to move in sound valid–but I think you already know that the answer is that you shouldn’t do it. Please find an alternative rather than assuming that you will immune to committing sin. (It’s also a little odd that you apparently don’t have strong sexual desires towards each other–but I guess that’s another topic of conversation).

Don’t you have any female friends that could do you a favor and let her stay with them temporarily? Or a nice family at your church? Maybe your pastor would have some ideas for you. I’m sure it’s not possible that there’s no other person in the universe besides you who would take your fiance in under the circumstances. If she lived near me, I’d take her in just out of charity, and I don’t even know her.
 
Schieffelin said:
Don’t you have any female friends that could do you a favor and let her stay with them temporarily? Or a nice family at your church? Maybe your pastor would have some ideas for you. I’m sure it’s not possible that there’s no other person in the universe besides you who would take your fiance in under the circumstances. If she lived near me, I’d take her in just out of charity, and I don’t even know her.
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I only have two friends and they’re male. She has none because her parents wouldn’t let her.

I’m new to this area so I don’t know anybody at my parish yet but I can ask the pastor.
 
EphelDuath said:
I only have two friends and they’re male. She has none because her parents wouldn’t let her.

I’m new to this area so I don’t know anybody at my parish yet but I can ask the pastor.
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Well for heaven’s sake–you two need to make some friends and asap! 😃 It’s so sad not to have good friends to rely on!

Please do ask your pastor. These types of situations are part of their JOB. Sometimes it’s intimidating to approach a priest that you don’t know well and who seems busy will all sorts of important things, but I assure you that a good priest would more than welcome this conversation. If for some reason you don’t get any help from the first priest you talk to, then go to another one. Does your fiance have any acquaintances from her RCIA class?

Good luck and God bless.
 
If you can find another living situation then you should, and yes, you should work on finding other friends, although thats not gonna happen if you try to make friends simply so she can move in with them. 😉

Besides that I don’t think it is something you should be worried about. Talk to your priest by all means, try to find out what you can do to limit any scandal that might come from this… is there any way you can sleep in different rooms? maybe one of you can sleep on a couch somewhere else?

Basically, the three moral problems with co-habitation are
  1. engaging in unchaste behaviour
  2. putting oneself or ones partner in the near occasion of sin with respect to unchaste behaviour
  3. causing scandal to others and so leading them to sin.
It sounds as though you will not have a problem with the first two, and so you are more so worried about the third, causing scandal. This is a real issue, especially if you are both widely known to be Catholic, as it can give off the impression that since “even the good Catholics are doing it, so clearly theres no problem with it anymore”.

However, if there really is no alternative then it is ok even if there is a chance it will cause scandal, we are only expected to do so much to help avoid leading others into sin, there comes a point where we have to act a certain way no matter what it may lead others to think because we know it is the only acceptable way to act in a given circumstance. Your case sounds like it fits into this. Since I don’t know all the details I cannot tell you for sure one way or another, which is why it is always a good idea to talk to a priest about it, or a spiritual director if you have one, especially if it is troubling you. However, it is not okay to leave your fiancee in this abusive environment. If the only way to avoid this is to have her live in the same building then so be it, but do not let her stay where she is. Because of the real risk of scandal I would encourage you to make a sincere effort to find somewhere else for her to stay and until then seek out ways to reduce any possible scandal. Talking to your priest could again be very helpful for this, as well as for tips on how to avoid this situation becoming an occasion of sin, (even if you have low sex drives and are comitted to chastity, if you’re too careless it could possibly become one). I hope this is helpful. Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!
 
The suggestions made by other posters are good ones. I daresay there is nothing wrong with having her stay at your place but as an interim solution. It may seem strange because hey you’re going to get married anyway, but you’re looking at almost a full year from now. That’s a long time, especially when you’re dealing with a situation that could tempt you into sin.

So get her out of that abusive environment. Work on getting yourself and her some friends. Talk to your pastor. All of those things. Maybe she’ll have to stay a few weeks as you’re trying to get her and you on your feet. So be it. Do the best you can to avoid causing scandal but ultimately God knows that situation you and she are in so rest easy that you’re trying to do the best you can with of a bad hand.

But again, you should make every effort to ensure that it’s an interim solution.
 
I agree that talking to your priest is probably the best advice that we can offer here.

The Wanderer gives three potential problems, which are certainly in need of consideration. In addition, if it were me, I would be concerned about the potential such an arrangement has to skew the discernment process. Until you have exchanged your vows, you are still discerning whether or not you two ought to be married. Living in the same place makes that more difficult to do.

It certainly sounds like a tough situation all around. 😦 I will pray for you as you two try to figure it all out. Again, I think talking to a priest would be very beneficial.
 
I know that some convents, retreat houses, etc. will let people in need stay with them for a while. Monasteries and convents have some obligations of charity, so they often have “guesthouses” or other areas for people to bunk.

Also, there may be people in the parish who are looking for roommates, have houses with extra rooms, etc. You never know what’s going on, or who you could help out while being helped.

So definitely ask around at work, at the parish, etc.
 
When I was engaged, I spent the summer with my fiance who lived two states away. He was alone in the town he lived in, so to avoid the cohabitation problem, I lived in the apartment and he spent the night in the rectory. They had plenty of sparerooms and he worked there so he had a good relationship with the priest. Perhaps you could let your fiance live in your home and you could spend the night somewhere else?
 
thewanderer said:
However, it is not okay to leave your fiancee in this abusive environment. If the only way to avoid this is to have her live in the same building then so be it, but do not let her stay where she is. Because of the real risk of scandal I would encourage you to make a sincere effort to find somewhere else for her to stay and until then seek out ways to reduce any possible scandal.
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Absolutely this. As nearly everyone has said, your priest may have suggestions, but whatever happens your fiance should not remain in the abusive environment, even at the cost of a chance of causing scandal and near(er) occasion to sin. You may even ask your own parents, if they live nearby, if they could provide her a place for a while, or know anyone who could.

But it does not seem like it would be bad for your fiance to stay in your apartment in the interim, especially if you both are actively seeking a better solution.
 
Sounds like you’re making lemonade out of lemons. You’re both of age. It’s really no one’s business now, is it?
 
Talk to a priest and see what he says.

My husband and I were in an interesting situation before we were married. We had been cohabitating for quite some time and were literally unaware that it was wrong (neither of our parents seemed to care and actually encouraged it).

I was pregnant and my husband refused to abandon me somewhere while we waited for our wedding date, especially since our wedding date was scheduled for two months after I was due.

We had a sit down with our priest and he agreed that my moving out would do neither of us any good at that point. As long as we were chaste and lived like brother and sister…he saw no problem with it…he just encouraged us to pray and dedicate ourselves to the church as much as possible.
 
First she needs to get a state id or drivers license. Many Landlords won’t lease to anyone without those. That aside I would check with local parishes and see if anyone can let her rent a room from them on a short term lease or know of someone looking for a roommate.
 
I personally have no issues with cohabitation. And even as far as Catholic standards are concerned you seem to be on the right track. But if for some reason it still bothers you check Craigslist. Lots of cheap apartments and rooms for rent there.
 
Could you get married earlier? You are already engaged. You are planning to be married. I assume your marriage preparation is underway. Is there a particular reason you are waiting another year?
 
I have some concerns here that are difficult to put into words –

Your intended is 22 years old and has no friends. From your post, in doesn’t sound like, beyond your relationship, she has developed a life outside of her abusive home. She is going from an abusive home, where she has not been able to develop any independence, to the point where she has no personal funds, and not even a driver’s license, living together, as if married (without the sex.).

While I certainly think living with you is much better than living with her abusive family, I think it would be much better for your marriage in the long run if she took some time to develop her sense of self and her faith that has been squashed by her family. From my experience being married for the last 19 years, marriage takes a certainly level of maturity and strength, that I can’t imagine your fiancee has been given a good chance to develop. Regardless of the chastity issue, living together could impede her ability to develop a little more as a person. Right now, you are at risk for being in more of a parental than a spousal role – she could be very dependent on you, given her past circumstances.

But whatever you decide, I wish you the best for your future, you marriage, and congrats on your engagement.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I personally have no issues with cohabitation.
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Almost every sociological study demonstrates that it, in addition to premarital sex, increases the chance of divorce and a failed relationship. If you have “no issues” with cohabitation, then it’s out of foolishness or apathy.
Gwendolen said:
Your intended is 22 years old and has no friends. From your post, in doesn’t sound like, beyond your relationship, she has developed a life outside of her abusive home. She is going from an abusive home, where she has not been able to develop any independence, to the point where she has no personal funds, and not even a driver’s license, living together, as if married (without the sex.).
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Yes, this has crossed my mind before. Her parents haven’t always been like this, they’ve gotten increasingly erratic in the past year; my fiancee, aside from her mental illness (which she shares with me) isn’t very abnormal. I think she’ll be back on track as soon as she gets a job and starts meeting people at our parish.
 
EphelDuath said:
Almost every sociological study demonstrates that it, in addition to premarital sex, increases the chance of divorce and a failed relationship. If you have “no issues” with cohabitation, then it’s out of foolishness or apathy.
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🤷 It’s probably out of apathy. I don’t much care how others conduct their personal lives. In my life I don’t have an issue with it because that is what’s works best for my fiance and I.

But I respect your desire to not do it, and I think it’s good that you’ve thought through it so well.
 
From my own personal experience, I strongly suggest speaking with a priest and not living together. Trust me, you should not be living together before marriage even if you plan to remain chaste. It’s kind of like playing house.

You’re not married until you’re married. During engagement you are still discerning whether or not you want to marry this person. It would be very hard to discern if you are with each other all the time and living together. Sometimes when you pray and discern, you discover God has a different plan for you. Your wedding is a year away. A lot can happen in that year. Plus it’s a tough situation to get out of with her living there. Plus if you live together before marriage, especially if you’re going to live together for a awhole year during your engagement, even if you’re remaining chaste, there is a higher chance of divorce. Plus scandal plus you might be tempted and commit mortal sin even if you don’t think it’s possible now.

I say find her another place to stay ASAP! Even if that means you sleep on your friends floor for a year and she stays at your apartment. Maybe she could work for a family a few hours a week for free room and board. Or maybe you guys should consider getting married much earlier.

My prayers are with you and your girlfriend. God Bless
 
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