Unavoidable cohabitation with my fiancee

[Cupofkindness]

This living arrangement seriously weakens the formation of the decision to marry based on free will. You are damaging your ability to commit to one another by playing house. This is a grave disservice to your fiancee and may damage her more than help her in the long run. I second the advice that even if you need to sleep on the floor of a friend’s house, this you must do. She cannot live under the same roof as you for much longer.

Every decision that you make going forward must be one that strengthens God’s will in your life so that you both may receive all of the graces necesary to build your lives together. Putting yourself in such a highly tempting situation is very foolish. You will damage your marriage in the long run, or perhaps ruin it. Please find somewhere else to live this weekend.

 

[seekingadvice10]

Well put! I’m not too good with words, but definitely agree 100%

This living arrangement seriously weakens the formation of the decision to marry based on free will. You are damaging your ability to commit to one another by playing house. This is a grave disservice to your fiancee and may damage her more than help her in the long run. I second the advice that even if you need to sleep on the floor of a friend’s house, this you must do. She cannot live under the same roof as you for much longer.

Every decision that you make going forward must be one that strengthens God’s will in your life so that you both may receive all of the graces necesary to build your lives together. Putting yourself in such a highly tempting situation is very foolish. You will damage your marriage in the long run, or perhaps ruin it. Please find somewhere else to live this weekend.

 

[Holly3278]

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry to hear about your fiancees troubles and your troubles. That said, cohabitation is always a sin though you may have reduced culpability in this instance due to the circumstances. I do not know for sure about that though and you would need to ask a priest about it. Your fiancee should get an apartment of her own until you two are married. Cohabitation is not good for marriages and as you said, it does cause scandal.

 

[thewanderer]

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry to hear about your fiancees troubles and your troubles. That said, cohabitation is always a sin though you may have reduced culpability in this instance due to the circumstances. I do not know for sure about that though and you would need to ask a priest about it. Your fiancee should get an apartment of her own until you two are married. Cohabitation is not good for marriages and as you said, it does cause scandal.

I am curious if you can cite a source that shows that cohabitation is always a sin? As I understand it the reason sin is involved in cohabitation is because of the three moral principles I brought up earlier. 1) engaging in sins against chastity, 2) near occasion of sin, 3) causing scandal. It is theoretically possible for a couple to cohabit without any of these three happening, even if practically speaking this would only happen rarely. So as I understand it it is not cohabitation itself which is sinful. Also, since there are circumstances in which one, morally speaking, must act even though they might cause some scandal, causing scandal is not always a sin either.

 

[Listener]

I see a red flag here. If she doesn’t have enough money to get an apartment on her own, how on earth would she have enough money to get married? If her parents are as mean as you say, what are the chances that they would pay for a wedding?

In my opinion, living with you in your apartment is a terrible idea. She comes across to me as a needy person who needs someone to take care of her. She needs to find a job (if she doesn’t already have one) and a room to rent.

I guess I sound kind of harsh, but marriage is really for two adults who are both capable of living on their own and supporting themselves.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I see a red flag here. If she doesn’t have enough money to get an apartment on her own, how on earth would she have enough money to get married? If her parents are as mean as you say, what are the chances that they would pay for a wedding? I don’t have enough money to get married. A lot of people in their 20’s, even late 20’s don’t. And my parents will not be paying for a wedding. They can’t afford to, period. They are barely getting by as it is. That’s why we are having a small, private wedding that we can afford. If parents can and want to pay for a wedding its a nice gift, but it is the couple’s responsibility.

In my opinion, living with you in your apartment is a terrible idea. She comes across to me as a needy person who needs someone to take care of her. She needs to find a job (if she doesn’t already have one) and a room to rent. According to an earlier post her parents take her paychecks. She needs to get out on her own so that she can keep what she earns. But she needs money to get out. Its a catch-22.

I guess I sound kind of harsh, but marriage is really for two adults who are both capable of living on their own and supporting themselves. Depends on the circumstances. A lot of longtime homemakers can’t support themselves because they don’t have an education or they’ve been out of the job market for so long. I just last week quit my job with my fiance’s blessing because my company started engaging in grossly immoral and unethical things, and a lot of people were getting hurt. Since I’m starting law school soon and won’t be working my first year we decided that I’m going to stay at home until then. So right now I’m cleaning, organizing, grocery shopping, running errands, and having dinner on the table every night. I can’t support myself, but I am contributing to the household in a real way. And I won’t be able to support myself in law school either.

 

[Luvz2travel]

The church shouldn’t require you to put out a huge amount of money for a wedding. See a priest maybe he can direct you to a more budget friendly wedding. The church has to have options for people low on funds.

 

[Carina20]

Is no one else concerned with the fact that they both are manic depressive? This might be one of the reasons behind why her parents seem so “controlling”. She is 21 and she doesn’t have to give her parents her checks from her job if she doesn’t want to. Who has no friends? Could someone at your church since it appears that you are both committed Catholics, not offer her temporary lodging if its so bad? Or why doesn’t the male just use his money to find her somewhere to live and then move up the wedding date so it will only be a temporary arrangement?
It doesn’t take a lot of money to get married. Since the male has a job, all you need is some form of identification, (like a state issued ID if you have no license) and to go to the courthouse to apply for a marriage license. Then you just need a priest and witnesses. What do you think will change so significantly that you are waiting another year to get married?

 

[thewanderer]

Is no one else concerned with the fact that they both are manic depressive? This might be one of the reasons behind why her parents seem so “controlling”. She is 21 and she doesn’t have to give her parents her checks from her job if she doesn’t want to. Who has no friends? Could someone at your church since it appears that you are both committed Catholics, not offer her temporary lodging if its so bad? Or why doesn’t the male just use his money to find her somewhere to live and then move up the wedding date so it will only be a temporary arrangement?
It doesn’t take a lot of money to get married. Since the male has a job, all you need is some form of identification, (like a state issued ID if you have no license) and to go to the courthouse to apply for a marriage license. Then you just need a priest and witnesses. What do you think will change so significantly that you are waiting another year to get married?

Actually, I think the fact that she has been in such an abusive and controlling environment is a sign that they should wait a little longer before getting married. She needs to be able to develop more fully on her own before commiting to such a life changing thing as marriage, which is yet another argument for the OP to try and find another arrangement if at all possible, but rushing into marriage just so that they are not cohabiting is not a good idea.