Understanding a husbands masterbation

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Thank you to those who responded to my post. I appreciate the good advice many of you have offered and the sincere prayers offered for my husband and I… please continue! There has been an outpouring of grace on our marriage since my post… the issue has been addressed more deeply than ever before and as a result a deeper understanding of the problem. I was not very specific about details so most of you have had to speculate as to my husbands motives. If I was presently feeling at all uneasy about his honesty, I would go on to clarify more details but **thanks be to God **I feel it is not necessary.

God bless you all and a sincere heartfelt thanks for caring…
 
Thank you to those who responded to my post. I appreciate the good advice many of you have offered and the sincere prayers offered for my husband and I… please continue! There has been an outpouring of grace on our marriage since my post… the issue has been addressed more deeply than ever before and as a result a deeper understanding of the problem. I was not very specific about details so most of you have had to speculate as to my husbands motives. If I was presently feeling at all uneasy about his honesty, I would go on to clarify more details but **thanks be to God **I feel it is not necessary.

God bless you all and a sincere heartfelt thanks for caring…
Thanks be go God for your comfort! I am glad to hear that things are back on the right track as defined by you.

We will continue to pray for you and for your husband
 
Your husband’s masturbation habit is not a sin, it’s an addiction like any other which requires professional help. He may have a hormonal maladjustment which could be addressed with proper medication. Or he may have deep rooted psychological problems which can be addressed by a competent physician/psychologist.
People are not damned to hell because they have mental problems. It’s an antiquated attitude of the Church to condemn people for behavior which most likely has a psychological/physical origin. I am quite sure that the all-loving and all-knowing God would condemn the Church before He condemned the man.
 
Ok I know this is a problem for many men, including me. So I’ll just add my two cents worth. We’ve been married close to 25y and until the last few years we’ve enjoyed a very good sex life. Over the last few years our ‘encounters’ were becoming less frequent which naturally as a guy it bothered me because I thought I was doing something to cause this. So this in turn, caused me at times, to fall into self pleasure. My wife and I have always been very open to each other so I had a long talk about this situation with her. She told me that her drive is just not what it used to be and at this point in her life she would have no problem being celibite. I was quite shocked to hear this and assured me it had nothing to do with me (which I hope is true, because I always tried to be a considerate partner). She told me she has no problem with me taking care of myself between our lessening get togethers (she’s not Catholic) and that when we do get together it’s mostly to keep me happy. Needless to say this was quite a blow to me since we always before seem to have a decent physical relationship. Every other aspect of our marrige is great and we are very close with each other, she just does not have that great a physical need anymore. As one of life’s cruel twists that usually get thrown at us, my physically needs actually increased as I got older. I would give anything to have this not be true. I always thought a mans drive suppose to lessen as he got older-I must be wired backwards! Anyhow I’ve tried every suggestion out there and can tell you it does not always work. I exercise at least an hour every day (well at least I’m in the best shape of my life, haha), pray intently, go to confession regularly, but there are times when the physically urge is so overwhelming, nothing else will satisfy it except the deed itself. It’s not a sexual release in a sense (I don’t need porn), but a physical. Once it’s over, I can get back to my life. Do I feel ashamed, yes, I do, everytime, but instead of having it consume me, it’s at the point that it’s easier to get it over with so I can concentrate on more important things in life. I pray to God for help and question Him as to why he made me (men?!?) this way. I guess we will never know God’s way, but for me sometimes it tough to deal with. I know most women are wired different and cannot really understand what a man has to go through (I’m in no way desparaging women) in dealing with these physical urges. I know there are a few men out there who can successfully fight these urges, many who say they can, but are lying and most who cannot. Except for those who are severly addicted to it, the deed itself does not disminish the love and respect we have for our wives/girlfriends, although many women I know will disagree with me. Just my opinion. Pray for me so I can eventually be one of the few men who can overcome.
 
Not meaning to derail the thread. But, why? I mean, if you are dead tired, or stressed, not feeling particularly amorous.

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to
Amen…I agree completely
Kathy
 
Thank you slipslide for your open and very honest two cents worth. I can only speak for myself but I do agree that it can be hard for a woman to understand a mans sexual desire (perhaps not a need as you termed it but truly a desire… a God given desire). But let me say that honesty from good men like yourself, my husband and other men who have written in, is what is helping me understand and get inside the heart of a man. My marriage is significantly younger than yours so I don’t have the qualifications to offer you advice, (I’m needing it myself… or else I wouldn’t be here!). However, I do understand and agree your position is not an easy one to be in. I will pray, like I am for myself, that your wife may also be given a desire to truely know the inner heart of a man and perhaps then her desire for you will return… I do feel that that is what is happening in my relationship with my husband. Let us hope and prayer that our marriages can grow to be what God intended… a true image of his sacrificial love! It is His will!! 👍
 
Not meaning to derail the thread. But, why? I mean, if you are dead tired, or stressed, not feeling particularly amorous.
The reason why is because the marriage embrace is more than just animal copulation. It is the consummation of the wedding vows.

You made a promise to love your husband more than you love yourself. Sometimes that means sacrificing yourself.
Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to
Because it’s good - period. When a couple is married, and they share the intimate embrace they are doing something good. Even if one or the other, or even both aren’t particularly in the mood.

Because it strengthens the marriage.

Because it gives us children.

Because it builds unity.

Because “having sex” with anyone else who DOES want to would be a mortal sin.

It’s not much different than me going along with my wife and kids to some puppet show at the local library, when I can think of a zillion things I’d rather be doing. But, my wife likes it that I go along, even when I’m not in the mood. And I almost always enjoy it anyways.
 
I hate it that so women get blamed for their husband’s issues. Men look at porn because their wife isn’t available, they masturbate because their wife isn’t available etc…:rolleyes:
Welcome to the world of marriage. Men get blamed for their wives issues and women get blamed for their husband’s issues - it cuts both ways. I guess, that’s why they say husband and wife are “one”.

That said, the blame is something shared, not entirely foisted on the other spouse.

Besides, the OP comes looking for advice. It does her little good for us to tell her it’s all her husbands fault and that he needs to pray, go to confession, yadda yadda. The OP needs some things that she can work on herself in the mean time.

The best way for a husband to overcome his wifes frigidity problems is to work on his own purity problems. Perhaps the best way for a wife to work on her husband’s purity problems is to work on her own frigidity problems.
 
.
You made a promise to love your husband more than you love yourself. Sometimes that means sacrificing yourself.
nope sorry. I can love my husband with everything I am without putting my body in a situation it rather not be in. Besides why couldn’t he sacrifice his needs.
Because it’s good - period. When a couple is married, and they share the intimate embrace they are doing something good. Even if one or the other, or even both aren’t particularly in the mood.
How can it be good, if someone is just waiting to get it over with.
Because it strengthens the marriage
.
If I was having sex just b/c HE wanted to my marriage would suffer
Because it gives us children.
That’s all well and good if you are trying to have a child.

.
Because “having sex” with anyone else who DOES want to would be a mortal sin.
huh? Are you saying If he doesn’t get it from me, he’ll get it elsewhere?
It’s not much different than me going along with my wife and kids to some puppet show at the local library, when I can think of a zillion things I’d rather be doing. But, my wife likes it that I go along, even when I’m not in the mood. And I almost always enjoy it anyways.
It’s waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different.

My relationship with my hubby is pretty darn good. But if there comes a time where I wasn’t feeling it I am sure he would respect that.

As far as the topic, a lot of men masterbate REGARDLESS the frequency of sex
 
**The best way for a husband to overcome his wifes frigidity problems **is to work on his own purity problems. Perhaps the best way for a wife to work on her husband’s purity problems is to work on her own frigidity problems.
who said frigidity?
 
The reason why is because the marriage embrace is more than just animal copulation. It is the consummation of the wedding vows.

You made a promise to love your husband more than you love yourself. Sometimes that means sacrificing yourself.

Because it’s good - period. When a couple is married, and they share the intimate embrace they are doing something good. Even if one or the other, or even both aren’t particularly in the mood.

Because it strengthens the marriage.

Because it gives us children.

Because it builds unity.

Because “having sex” with anyone else who DOES want to would be a mortal sin.

It’s not much different than me going along with my wife and kids to some puppet show at the local library, when I can think of a zillion things I’d rather be doing. But, my wife likes it that I go along, even when I’m not in the mood. And I almost always enjoy it anyways.
The one thing that you have to be aware of and be sure to not do is to use your spouse as a sexual object for your satisfaction/pleasure. What you have described above, while true, can only be seen as using your spouse if they are not a willing participant.

I think that you are off base by saying that the wife should have sex with her husband just because HE wants to. It is a two way street. If the husband is in the mood, but the wife is not and she decides to have sex anyway, doesn’t that take out the unitive part? She is not “into” it and is just doing it to please her husband, she has therefore become an object of pleasure and that is where it is sinful.

Please do not use the analogy you mentioned above in comparing the martial embrace to family functions. Apples and oranges there, sorry.
 
The one thing that you have to be aware of and be sure to not do is to use your spouse as a sexual object for your satisfaction/pleasure. What you have described above, while true, can only be seen as using your spouse if they are not a willing participant.

I think that you are off base by saying that the wife should have sex with her husband just because HE wants to. It is a two way street. If the husband is in the mood, but the wife is not and she decides to have sex anyway, doesn’t that take out the unitive part? She is not “into” it and is just doing it to please her husband, she has therefore become an object of pleasure and that is where it is sinful.

Please do not use the analogy you mentioned above in comparing the martial embrace to family functions. Apples and oranges there, sorry.
3 quick points for now.
  1. No, as I understand it, the unitive element is not missing simply because one or both are not “in the mood.” The unitive element is objective not subjective and thus not related to “feelings” about the act. Or so I have been told.
  2. One spouse sacrificing themselves to the other does not equal objectification and reduction to pleasure. Some spouses decide to address the marital debt even though not feeling like it.
  3. Apples and oranges are both fruit and so are alike in that way.
 
As a comfort to the OP, I have heard a secular psychologist (sex therapist) give advice to a woman in your predicament thus:

“Your husband used to masterbate before you got married. Now you may be enjoying sexual relations and wondering why does he still need it? Don’t take it as a sleight on your abilities as a wife, or that you are not desirable. Masterbation has a different flavour than full-blown intercourse. Your husband probably really loves you and enjoys intercourse with you and still enjoy the different sexual flavour that comes from masterbating, that he was used to before.”

I know that is not the Catholic view, but thought this little pearl from the secular world may help you feel better. She would probably recommend doing it together.

Let the stoning begin!
 
My husband has been masterbating on and off for 20 years, the last 10 of which has been in our marriage. As a pracitcing Catholic I know it is wrong and the reasons why… so does my husband who is also practicing! I know prayer is the sure way to help the problem (so please spare us a few, we need them!). Is it reasonable for a priest to dismiss it as a serious sin eg. force of habit, anxiety… especially if it’s getting worse/more frequent and after 20 years? Is there hope for him to overcome this after such a long standing habit? And is it wrong of me as his wife to feel offended by his actions and lack trust in him? Sometimes I feel so disheartend not to mentions suspicous! Men out there… any good advice???
Personally, I don’t think masturbation is a sin. (At least, for people who haven’t taken a vow of celibacy.)

It may or may not be a sign that there is a communication issue in the marriage.

Or, it may just mean that he gets horny sometimes and he wants some sexual release without having sex. That’s normal for a lot of guys.

I don’t know your marriage, and it’s not my business to know. If you think there is something wrong with the relationship, or if you think there is something seriously wrong with your husband, then look into getting some professional help with a marriage counselor.

Otherwise, I just don’t think this is much of an issue.

Just my two cents worth.
 
Personally, I don’t think masturbation is a sin. (At least, for people who haven’t taken a vow of celibacy.)
Please remember that this is YOUR personal opinion, not the teachings of the Catholic Church. God says that it is a sin, therefore it is a sin.
It may or may not be a sign that there is a communication issue in the marriage.
Uh, okay.
Or, it may just mean that he gets horny sometimes and he wants some sexual release without having sex. That’s normal for a lot of guys.
It is becoming obvious that you do not understand the teachings of the Church nor the sacrament of marriage. I am sure that you are familiar with the saying “the two become one” in marriage. They are one person and needing a ‘sexual release’ has no grounds within the marriage. Marriage is not a free ticket to have sex whenever and however you want to. The Catholic Church has taught us that sex must be (EACH TIME) unitive (uniting the wife to her husband, renewing their wedding vows if you will) and preocreative (open to life). If these two are not present, the act is sinful.
I don’t know your marriage, and it’s not my business to know. If you think there is something wrong with the relationship, or if you think there is something seriously wrong with your husband, then look into getting some professional help with a marriage counselor.
Or a priest?
Otherwise, I just don’t think this is much of an issue.
Within a Catholic marriage it is an issue.
 
3 quick points for now.
  1. No, as I understand it, the unitive element is not missing simply because one or both are not “in the mood.” The unitive element is objective not subjective and thus not related to “feelings” about the act. Or so I have been told.
I guess I could see that.
  1. One spouse sacrificing themselves to the other does not equal objectification and reduction to pleasure. Some spouses decide to address the marital debt even though not feeling like it.
I should have used the word ‘could’ instead.
  1. Apples and oranges are both fruit and so are alike in that way.
10,172 comedians out of a job and you are tying to be one! 😃
 
It’s not much different than me going along with my wife and kids to some puppet show at the local library, when I can think of a zillion things I’d rather be doing. But, my wife likes it that I go along, even when I’m not in the mood. And I almost always enjoy it anyways.
It’s waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different.
Please do not use the analogy you mentioned above in comparing the martial embrace to family functions. Apples and oranges there, sorry.
OK, lets discuss those differences. One is about sex, the other one isn’t. But that’s the whole idea of analogy, to use something slightly different to illustrate the similarities.

The other big difference in my analogy; it is the husband who is doing something he doesn’t particularly care for. Apparently is is acceptable for a woman to expect self-sacrifice from her husband, but how dare a husband expect self-sacrifice from his wife?

Beyond that, I don’t see enough of a different to make the analogy not worthwhile.

Perhaps it is the level of self-sacrifice. It is riskier for a woman to be physically intimate because of the rigors of pregnancy. But that is just a difference in magnitude.

I could draw an analogy that my wife sleeps more soundly when I’m also in the house, as opposed to overnight business trip. She is enjoying a benefit because she knows that if there ever is an intruder, he will have to step over my dead body to harm her or the children. If she weren’t in the house, I could take measures to protect my life instead. She enjoys a benefit of my “potential” self sacrifice. Frankly, if a guy is coming in the window, I would rather be heading out the door. But I made a promise to love someone else more than I love myself. But I’m sure you’ll find this analogy way different too.
Because it’s good - period. When a couple is married, and they share the intimate embrace they are doing something good. Even if one or the other, or even both aren’t particularly in the mood.

Because it strengthens the marriage.

Because it gives us children.

Because it builds unity.

Because “having sex” with anyone else who DOES want to would be a mortal sin.
What you have described above, while true, can only be seen as using your spouse if they are not a willing participant.

Well, if it’s true then it’s true. If that’s the case, then no, that is not the only way to interpret it.
Because “having sex” with anyone else who DOES want to would be a mortal sin.
huh?
Are you saying If he doesn’t get it from me, he’ll get it elsewhere?

Not really. Are you saying that you expect a husband to be man enough to master his urges, but you on the other hand do not have to be woman enough to deserve him?

This attitude really peeves me. Some women are so keen on their right to a pure husband, but they bloody-well don’t want to lift a finger to help him out with his struggles.
 
OK, lets discuss those differences. One is about sex, the other one isn’t. But that’s the whole idea of analogy, to use something slightly different to illustrate the similarities.

The other big difference in my analogy; it is the husband who is doing something he doesn’t particularly care for. Apparently is is acceptable for a woman to expect self-sacrifice from her husband, but how dare a husband expect self-sacrifice from his wife?
Relating having sex when you don’t want to, to going to a puppet show when you don’t want to is a bit far fetch. Unless there are some weird puppet shows I don’t know about.
There is just a little more involvement in sex.
Perhaps it is the level of self-sacrifice. It is riskier for a woman to be physically intimate because of the rigors of pregnancy. But that is just a difference in magnitude.
for me, that has nothing to do with it. It is my body.
Not really. Are you saying that you expect a husband to be man enough to master his urges, but you on the other hand do not have to be woman enough to deserve him?
what?
This attitude really peeves me. Some women are so keen on their right to a pure husband, but they bloody-well don’t want to lift a finger to help him out with his struggles.
It comes down to this. If I don’t feel like doing it… I’M NOT. Marriage is not a free pass to a buffet
 
This attitude really peeves me. Some women are so keen on their right to a pure husband, but they bloody-well don’t want to lift a finger to help him out with his struggles.
Exactly! Wel said Black Jaque!

This is what I have been saying too!

We are just expected to “deal with it” when our wives deny us the marital embrace,

Then we are expected by our wives to “deal with it” when we go out into the world and we see sexy billboards, TV ads, TV shows, Magazines, Bus stop ads, women waiting at bus stos, walking down the road…etc…or…just “deal with it” when that cute office colleague suddenly looks at you and start to twirl her hair…

Oh, sorry, I forget…men are all dirty-minded pigs who can’t get enough of sex…uhu…

I’ll stop my rant here…
 
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