Unfaithful Husband (Pt 2)... Give Up?

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Hi Everyone,
I thank all of you for you’re advice. I can see that there are disagreements on what I should do, and that is what I’am struggling with. Because I don’t want to make a mistake, I want to make the best decision about my situation.

I have spoken the my priest a while back, and he basically told me to file for divorce. That my H has already left the marriage.
I do have a coworker who has advised me to talk to her preacher (Baptist.) She said that he has helped her a lot and that he can help sort things out. So that is somthing I’am considering.

As for the annulment, well I have heard of situations were they are not granted… so I wonder what would be the point of getting a divorce if I may not get an annulment.

Sometimes, I feel saddened because my H doesn’t seem remorseful for all that he has put us through. He does seem to have some moral issues to deal with. At those times I’m so ready to call it quits.

Then at other times I feel that I have quit soooo many things…college, military, nursing school I mean the list goes on and on. I feel that if I hadn’t been a quitter I wouldn’t be in this situation. And I ,at times, think maybe I shouldn’t quit this marriage, perhaps I will wait for H to ask for divorce if he wants.
It already feels as if we aren’t married anyways. There is no affection, nothing. We talk on the phone occasionally and when we hang up he says ‘I love you’ and I say it back. For some reason I still love the guy. We haven’t seen H since Dec 1 and who knows if or when we ever will. He makes no plans to see us and I don’t plan on us going back to our rental.
I’m certainly going to file for Child custody and child support. However, how would the custody issue go. Of course I want full custody but how often is H allowed to see the kids, they are still his regardless of what he has done. He still calls to see how kids are and asks for pics and stuff. My 4 yr old still says she wants to go back to FL. What do I get out of a divorce except maybe some closure. I’m just so confused. You have all heard the expression “What would Jesus Do?” I know I know Jesus wouldn’t be in this situation, but what would He want me to do?

God Bless,
Iris79
 
Iris, praying for you. There is a lot that I would like to respond to here, but am headed to a meeting that is likely to last a couple of hours…so I will post more later. Hang in there and be strong. This isn’t your fault.
 
Katie1723 said:
Best thing you said. Annulment or no, what this woman needs is to take herself out of a volatile siuation and seek legal means to end her marriage. That’s what she should be applauded for. Not for sticking it out. What’s to " stick out"? A nice pine box with silk lining??

Kathy
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I dont remember her saying her or the kids have ever been abused physically, I read her whole post, she is out of any potential bad situation, she is wondering if its time to follow through legally. Obviously if she is asking the time is not quite right for her she still has doubts,when the time is right she will have no doubts on what to do and nothing any of us could ever say or do will change her mind.
until then pushing her into something she is not ready for will only complicate things for her down the road…

of course had you read or understood her post totally you wouldnt be judging her spouse to be so dangerous.
remember divorce or not, he will most likely get at the minimum visitation with the kids and unless she can prove absolute that there is a danger it will be unsupervised
thats just the legallities of things its not always what we want
 
Iris,

While you have been away from your husband these past months, he has not given you any financial support. Isn’t that correct? You need to file as soon as you have established residency so that you can secure that support that is his legal and moral responsibility. You need to be strong right now to do what is in the best interest of both you and your children. You know that putting your head in the sand and saying you don’t know what to do – and doing nothing – will in no way benefit your family. Your husband is not looking out for what is best for your family. You need to be the one to do that.

Honestly, what you really need right now is some real emotional support and some clear perspective. Counseling will give you that. Please, if you don’t have other resources available, contact your local domestic violence center, because they will have counseling and support groups available.

If your husband has been arrested for beating up another woman, I am sure that is not something that just popped up out of nowhere. Nice guys don’t just one day leave their wives to have an affair and start beating women up. They usually have a long pattern of emotional and verbal abuse that leads up to the point where they engage in physical violence.

When you were with your husband, did he call you names and insult you? Did he get very angry with you either for small things or would he lose his temper because he thought that you said or meant something that you never said, did, or even think? Would he call and check up on you many times a day? Did he forbid or discourage you from having friendships outside of the home? Did he ever not allow you to work? Were you forced to have relations with him no matter how you felt? I’m talking about as a regular thing, did how you felt about it matter at all? Did you always worry that you might say or do something that would set him off?

Just sort of reflect on those questions…is any of that familiar to you? I’m thinking by you deer in the headlights way of dealing with things right now, that you might very well have been a victim of that kind of abuse. I guess I say that because that was what I lived with, and it took a lot intervention for me to be able to see it and to have the strength to leave.

Your husband has made no attempt to support you or the kids, or even see you in these months. He now has a record for domestic violence. You do not have to worry about custody. The court is very familiar with such patterns of behavior.

Just build up your strength and be ready to do what you need to do. Now is not the time to worry about an annulment. The truth about your marriage has been making itself known to you in a way that you no longer can ignore. One day you will be able to sort through all of this, get it all on paper and bring it to your priest. Abusers have a long history, a long pattern of behavior, that will always predate the marriage once you start understanding that pattern. Tribunals will be very familiar with it, so please have some faith.

Praying for you!! Gotta go get my son from counseling now…
 
Iris79 said:
**I have spoken the my priest a while back, and he basically told me to file for divorce. That my H has already left the marriage.
**
Hmmmm…I think that is your answer.

Your husband sounds like a dangerous man who has no respect nor regard for you and your children. Just because he calls and asks about the kids doesn’t mean he’s being a great father. I know it is hard when you still love him, but this is not a healthy situation.
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Iris,
I agree with what dulcissima has said. I was in a marriage for almost 15 years. Turns out that my now ex was bi-polar. He had a break down about a year after our 3 and 4 children (twins) were born. He quit going to work, blamed it on me, sat in our bedroom doing nothing. I found an article on bi-polar and it fit him to a T…he refused to read it. He was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to me and the children. Until this point I was a SAHM…I didn’t have a choice left…I went back to work. He refused to watch the children…he was “looking” for another job. If I was outside talking to a neighbor, he would stand at the door and call me to come in because it was “important”. I’d go in only to find him sitting in front of the tv…when asked what was so important I was told I should be paying attention to him…not talking to a neighbor (neighbor I was talking to was a female). He proceed to tell me what a loser I was and how I “needed” to stay with him because I could never make it in the world without him raising 4 kids alone. He would ummm…demand certain things…especially after an argument…if I refused he would wake all the kids up and let me deal with them while he went to sleep…I would have to be at work in the morning. I finally filed for divorce and the first thing he said to me was that he loved me and what could he do to stop this divorce…I told him to go and get psychiatric help and get diagnosed as to what was wrong. He finally went, was diagnosed as bipolar and was put on medicine and was told he needed counseling. The only counseling he wanted was marriage counseling. That would have been great if there were really two people in the marriage at that point. He quit taking his meds once he started feeling better (typical behavior for bi-polar I’m told) and the old cycle started. We went through 7 yes 7 different counselors…the marriage could not be saved…there was too much that needed to be changed and unforturnately his attitude was that I just needed to “shut up and accept whatever he said as the final decision”. When I went to my priest (yes, i’ve left a lot out) he told me it was about time. He knew what was going on and was thrilled that I had finally made that step. The end result is that I have sole custody of the children, he has supervised visits that he never uses and I have been raising 4 children on my own “officially” for 9 years…unofficially for 14…I know I’ve left a lot out…if you want to PM me and chat feel free…By the way…I applied for an annulment and it was granted.
 
Hello, Iris.
Code: 
 I just wanted to comment on your concerns about this being a situation where you'd be labeled a "quitter" if you leave.  You compare "quitting" this marriage to "quitting" a job.  It's not the same.  As they say, you work to live, not live to work.  I've had more jobs than I care to admit.  Some people just have a harder time than others deciding what they want to do for a living.  The same goes for school, too.  You can go back to school anytime you want.  Granted, this is hard to do when you have kids, but people do it.  If you leave this marriage, which, as you say is already pretty much approved by your parish priest, people WILL (and DO) understand.  You're not the "quitter" anyway, HE is.  He quit the marriage a long time ago.  Don't be so hard on yourself; there's only so much you can do.  Heck, there's only so much GOD can do, what with human beings having free will and all that.  If your priest has given you the go ahead for a divorce, then I would do just that - go ahead, get a divorce, and make a new (and better!) life for yourself.
Tracy
 
Iris, I have had more love and support from my family, my extended family, my neighbors, friends, and people in my parish that I can hardly believe it. People really do care, and being divorced is not a badge of shame. For me it was finally owning up to reality and doing something to make the situation right.
 
Hi Everyone,

Well, I have decided that I’am through with this so called marriage.
The past few days I have been so frettful and worried, I just had a bad feeling. This evening something told me to look at ‘myspace’ which I don’t know much about it, but I was able to search for my H and there he was. He noted his status as Single. 😦

Sometimes I would think how our little girls have grown and how my H has missed it…that first step, first word…everything. Or my 4 yr old writing her first word, and spelling her name…

So that is it…I’m going to talk to my local legal aide office and file for divorce. It is apparent that my husband has more important matters than our children or me. I hope that God will forgive me for calling it quits, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m so grateful to our Lord for finally showing me the truth. I’ve often heard
‘You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.’

I thank everyone for trying to help me…but this was indeed the last straw. I can’t hold on to a man that doesn’t want to be a husband or father. If it is not too much to ask will ya’ll keep us in your prayers for what is to come.

God Bless You All,
Iris
 
I’m sad and glad for you at the same time Iris. I am positive that was the Holy Spirit urging you to take a look at Myspace. I just promise you, that even with as difficult as these next weeks are going to be for you…there are better days ahead, much better days. Holding you up in my prayers.
 
Iris79 said:
Hi Everyone,

So would God’s will really be to give up on my marriage? I’m just distraught right now, I keep praying for an answer but I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Please help.

Iris79

PS: Sorry so long…I just had to vent.
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You didn’t give up on your marriage your husband did.

Protect yourself and children, and move on.
 
dulcissima said:
I’m sad and glad for you at the same time Iris. I am positive that was the Holy Spirit urging you to take a look at Myspace. I just promise you, that even with as difficult as these next weeks are going to be for you…there are better days ahead, much better days. Holding you up in my prayers.
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I agree completely - esp. since MySpace is not a website you go to much. Good for you and congratulations.

Tracy
 
Iris, if it’s any help, many of us have been where you are and survived. You are giving your children a good example of how they don’t have to accept neglect, poor treatment, abandonment and violence in their own lives. You are showing them the way out of a burning building. You are brave.

And for everyone who was ever tempted to ignore those little voices that point us toward the truth… whether that was the Holy Spirit or her Guardian Angel, she listened and learned and was given the information that lead to to make a choice rooted in Truth and not false hope.

Iris, copy that MySpace page to your hard drive for evidence. Hopefully it will have photos and dates and everything. A better day is waiting for you. He is already searching for his next victim. Let him.
 
Hi,
Thankyou for all the posts. Last night I was for certain to file for divorce. I showed my mom my H ‘myspace’ and she told my dad. He said to divorce H. However, my mom for some strange reason said to wait and ask my H about why he put his status as single. She also said to wait and see what H says. She asked my why do I want to get divorced that I’m not going to get remarried anytime soon. She told me to file CC and CS. I know in Proverbs it reads to listen to your parents, but what if advice is conflicting.

When I was about my daughter’s age my parents kind of went through this same ordeal. Just like my H, my mom had lost her father and she changed alot. I believe she also cheated on my dad. She didn’t want to take care of my sister and me and so we had to go stay with my aunt for a while. It turned out that my mom was suffering from depression and my dad stood by her side until she got the treatment she needed then we became a family again. So it seems that now this cycle has happened to my family. Maybe that is why my mom has told me to just wait and not be so quick to file for divorce.

This morning I was reading the daily scripture on Billy Graham’s website. It said to let the Holy Spirit guide your every step.

I’m really torn about this. Have you ever heard the expression that ’
The Lord unites and the devil seperates.’ At times I wish I could file for divorce soon, but other times I think what do I really get out of a divorce. Nothing really except a paper. Would it be alright if I file for CC and CS. My girls and I already live in a seperate state so I don’t have to worry about H. Maybe I should wait for him to file for divorce if he wants. I’ve heard that in the book of Hosea (Old Testament) that there was a man who’s wife kept cheating on him, and each time the Lord told Hosea to take his wife back.

I guess I’m having a hard time giving up on my husband and my marriage. My girls are still to little to realize what is going on. My 4 year old knows that something is going on with her father, but not sure of what. And my baby well she really doesn’t even know him.

I wish that I could ask our Lord what he wants me do. :confused:

God Bless,
Iris
 
Hello, Iris.
Code: 
  You said your mom was depressed and didn't want to take care of you "for a while" so you lived with your aunt "until she got treatment and you could be a family again."  All of this sounds relatively temporary to me.  It sounds to me that your mother had problems and took steps to correct those problems.  What steps is your husband taking to correct his problems?  It doesn't sound like he's taking any to me.  Also, all this talk from your mom about talking to your husband about the divorce first is just the guilt talking - guilt that she feels from somebody having to show her mercy at one time.  She needs to push that guilt aside and think about what's best for you in your particular situation.  If you were single with no children right now, would she pick your current husband as an ideal mate for you?  No way!  If she would, then she's got some kind of bleeding-heart, save-the-world kind of complex going on.

  I suffered from depression for a long time, then I finally got fed up with how I felt and got on some pills.  I'm a lot more even-steven now.  My husband, in my opinion, is insecure and he actually does not like seeing me "better."  There are times when he so brutally reminds me what a b**** I was the first five years of our marriage, or whatever.  Well, you know what?  That's not true forgiveness, and if you ask me, he needs to be "on the stuff" too, but of course, he refuses to get a prescription because he's "too good," I guess.  This is just one of our many problems.  If I had the money and decent credit, I'd be out, too.  But my point is, if a "faulty" spouse at some point makes the decision to really change for the better - to really turn their lives around - that's one thing.  I feel like I did that for a while and am still trying to do that.  If they could care less and you as the "normal" spouse see no end in sight, then, what are you waiting for?  The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over only to expect a different result.  It may be hard to discern whether or not this change is "right around the corner," but I'm afraid in your situation you don't have the luxury of playing the "wait and see" game.  You have children who are looking to you for direction and guidance, and if you ask me, you can't do that job effectively at this point while everyday "looking over your shoulder."  

 As far as finding somebody else, yeah, it'll suck hard for a while.  People who are single/divorced (ironically, myself included at the time) are continually looking for that next great "catch."  And you can keep your eyes peeled as long as your kids are taken care of, etc.  But even if you find NO ONE else, it's better than the desperate limbo that you are in now.  God has those kind of plans for you, or lack thereof.  (Sigh, grrrr.)  The way my marriage is right now, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find myself a single mom in the next year or two, and yes, I anticipate that it will be a nightmare for a while.  But like a lot of these ladies have said here - people do care, and I imagine that if they care, they are also willing to help.
Well, I have to work tomorrow. Please listen to everyone here and do what’s (obviously, most likely) best for yourself and your kids and get away from this man. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to change.

Tracy
 
Tracy I’m really sorry about you’re situation. I know one day our storm clouds will pass, and then the sun will shine again. 🙂

Yesterday my husband called. I asked about his myspace and he said that he didn’t respond to the status question, so it has him as single. He said that he has started to see a counselor because he hopes to be the husband I need, and the father our kids need. That he needs to get better if our family is to come back together.

I told h that priest had suggested divorce. H said that might be the right direction to take. However, he has no desire to get a divorce. My husband said that he loves me with all of his heart and that he loves our kids.

H also said that he has been under so much pressure, and that I expected to much from him. And then there are the issues with his deceased father.

My husband said that he wants everything to work out but there is something holding him back–things that happened to him. So he is trying to deal with all of his issues and doesn’t really know what is going to happen.

I really hope that H is sincere. At this point I don’t really want a divorce. I’m going to give this more time and continue praying. Also, I think I’m going to start going for walks to clear my head. Maybe that will help me to stop thinking so much and just trust in God.
 
I am no expert on the matter, but on today’s episode of The Inner Life (a show about spiritual direction), infidelity was discussed very much.

Access the talk with Fr. Peter Armenio (sp?) over at Relevant Radio. You’ll have to sign up to hear the archives, but it’s free.
 
Iris, have you had any counseling? You are in a muddle, going back and forth, and I think counseling could give you some much needed perspective.
 
Hello, again, Iris.
Code: 
  You say that he wants to make things better - all of a sudden.  How do you know for sure that he's not just saying these things to "keep you hanging on" as the cheesy song by the Supremes says.  Some people - men and women alike - have this need to hang onto the person they are with for whatever reason. When I  was in college I coined the phrase "insurance policy."  "Oh, she's his insurance policy in case he doesn't find anybody better."  How do you know this isn't going on with him, that he's not "having his cake and eating it too?"  I dunno, it's hard to tell if someone is lying over the phone, but the next time he mentions counselors, doctors, etc., I'd be asking for names and telephone numbers.  Then call these people to see if he's telling the truth.
I do have to admit, having some exp. with mental illness, if somebody can get the guy to stay on his meds, he might be alright. But that’s the trick. If he won’t then it’s like he’s whole different person, and you don’t want that.

Tracy
 
Iris79 said:
When I was about my daughter’s age my parents kind of went through this same ordeal. Just like my H, my mom had lost her father and she changed alot. I believe she also cheated on my dad. She didn’t want to take care of my sister and me and so we had to go stay with my aunt for a while. It turned out that my mom was suffering from depression and my dad stood by her side until she got the treatment she needed then we became a family again. So it seems that now this cycle has happened to my family. Maybe that is why my mom has told me to just wait and not be so quick to file for divorce.
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To me, this sounds like it *could *be a generational curse. You want to break this before it happens to your daughter. Pray hard for this intention and for guidance in this matter. I’m not talking about the divorce vs. no divorce decision you’re faced with. I don’t have any advice for you there. I am talking about praying specifically (and in addition to the other prayers you are doing) for the generational curse to be broken. See if you can find a generational healing Mass. Ask your priest for more information, I wish I had more to give you.
 
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