D
dulcissima
Guest
Iris,
When I read your first post, I wanted to reply with some hope since you seemed to indicate that he had suddenly changed within the last month. I’ve got to say though from reading your more recent posts, with him saying that he is not willing to sacrifice for your children, well that shows a pretty deep problem. It is possible that this isn’t a sudden change, just him finally showing his true colors.
I say even if he is cheating on you and even if this is only headed for divorce, do whatever you need to do to get back home. He needs to face the reality of what he has done to his family, and not hold you hostage to hoping when he is not even close to being honest with you. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too right now. He has done something unspeakably terrible, and he is trying to figure out how to come out of it not looking like the bad guy. I think it is important for him to see the reality of his destructive choices.
Also, when he sees a lawyer and discovers the true cost of child support, he is going to be thinking that it would be a better deal for him to have custody. You leaving the home with the kids leaves him with a possibility for that. For the sake of your kids you are going to need to return home and see a lawyer there or if you want to stay with your parents you will need to find a lawyer where they are and find out about filing for a legal separation. If you choose to do that, it will be really important to not communicate those intentions to your husband, so that he won’t have the opportunity to avoid being served. Really though, getting back home and getting together important paperwork - marriage certificates, birth certificates, evidence of his income and financial statements as well as any of the evidence that you mentioned above that shows that he is the one who abandoned the marriage - is probably still a good idea.
I hate to be giving you advice that makes your marriage being over as being inevitable, but I think you need to be prepared for that reality. It sounds like that is the reality that your husband is making a move toward.
Praying for you to be strong because I know that this is not at all easy. It’s not easy after 5 years of marriage, but I can tell you it is still very difficult after 17 years of doing everything to fight the inevitable.
When I read your first post, I wanted to reply with some hope since you seemed to indicate that he had suddenly changed within the last month. I’ve got to say though from reading your more recent posts, with him saying that he is not willing to sacrifice for your children, well that shows a pretty deep problem. It is possible that this isn’t a sudden change, just him finally showing his true colors.
I say even if he is cheating on you and even if this is only headed for divorce, do whatever you need to do to get back home. He needs to face the reality of what he has done to his family, and not hold you hostage to hoping when he is not even close to being honest with you. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too right now. He has done something unspeakably terrible, and he is trying to figure out how to come out of it not looking like the bad guy. I think it is important for him to see the reality of his destructive choices.
Also, when he sees a lawyer and discovers the true cost of child support, he is going to be thinking that it would be a better deal for him to have custody. You leaving the home with the kids leaves him with a possibility for that. For the sake of your kids you are going to need to return home and see a lawyer there or if you want to stay with your parents you will need to find a lawyer where they are and find out about filing for a legal separation. If you choose to do that, it will be really important to not communicate those intentions to your husband, so that he won’t have the opportunity to avoid being served. Really though, getting back home and getting together important paperwork - marriage certificates, birth certificates, evidence of his income and financial statements as well as any of the evidence that you mentioned above that shows that he is the one who abandoned the marriage - is probably still a good idea.
I hate to be giving you advice that makes your marriage being over as being inevitable, but I think you need to be prepared for that reality. It sounds like that is the reality that your husband is making a move toward.
Praying for you to be strong because I know that this is not at all easy. It’s not easy after 5 years of marriage, but I can tell you it is still very difficult after 17 years of doing everything to fight the inevitable.
…if you choose to not go home, then I would seek a lawyer, and get some things in motion. I would also try your hardest not to cry (it will be hard) around him…or over the phone. I would try to be very firm with him, and say…‘You’re not going to bully me. I have a lawyer now.’ Sadly, he is lost in his own sin…it happens to us all to varying degrees in our lives–but at this stage, as everyone has said, you need to take care of yourself and your children. I pray for your husband as well–because he is in the devil’s grip.