Ungrateful adult children

[TereTere]

My only daughter is 40 yrs. old I have always helped her financially. Bought an apartment, cars, clothes, everything. She has been responsible with jobs but usually gets layoff and salaries reduced. She has a problem functioning. We never had a good relationship. She always seemed to resent me. She finally got married at 38 to a man 36. Now both 38/40. Her husband never appreciates anything I do for them. He calls me “she”. He claims that I break his privacy. He lives in the apartment that I paid and drives the car that I paid. He has job but does not make enough money to support his wife and baby. I buy just about everything for the baby starting from diapers to food. I even clean their home and cook for them. He still resents it and never has said thank you. She never says thank you either, except in very rare occasions. It is obvious that they want me out of their life. I am stepping out as much as I can finally. But eventually they will need financial help or care for the baby. I try to be a good mother, mother in law, and a great grandmother. Baby, one year old, loves me! We have a lot of gun together.
They never remembers by birthday or mother’s day. She never calls me to chat or even a walk. I live one block away. She always accuses me that I am angry if I say anything. If I ever mention that both should be grateful she is rude to me y lately I opt for leaving. she has asked me to leave her apartment many times and more lately and when she gets angry says that she does not need anything from me. She always blames for anything that goes wrong in her life. Including the fact that she does not cook because I confused her with the groceries that I buy for her.
My plan is to keep my distance from both of them and probably they are right that I have intervene too much into their privacy like updating they apartment by myself and fixing their air conditioning and repairing anything that goes wrong including light bulbs. Due to my daughter situation I tried to compensate so that they will not get stress with money and thinking that it would be nice to find dinner on the table after work. Since the baby was born, I have spent everyday from 10:00 to 5:45 pm helping the baby except evenings and weekends because of his “privacy” . I used to invite them to dinner in my home once a week that they seemed annoyed and her husband never say thank you but ate everything.
today I called her to see if I could take the baby to the park that she told me it was not necessary, that she will do it. I am not bore with my life. I am a very busy person. I go to the gym, play bridge, play golf and take care of all the financials paper work at home.
I am in pain, hurt and angry. I miss my granddaughter. They have hurt me so much that I am willing to live without the warm and closeness of my granddaughter.

 

[kage_ar]

One is not required to keep supporting this situation.

Tell them that effective on X date, your financial support will be withdrawn.

Pray for them, be loving, send gifts on holidays - and invite them to dinner, but, stop financing the lifestyle.

 

[joandarc2008]

One is not required to keep supporting this situation.

Tell them that effective on X date, your financial support will be withdrawn.

Pray for them, be loving, send gifts on holidays - and invite them to dinner, but, stop financing the lifestyle.

I agree with Kage here - sometimes when you make things to easy for some people they will simply take advantage of it. If the child needs you then don’t be suprised if one day the child is dropped in your lap but don’t be the one to suggest it. God watches out for thos that cannot watch out for themselves.

 

[Rachel_1]

One is not required to keep supporting this situation.

Tell them that effective on X date, your financial support will be withdrawn.

Pray for them, be loving, send gifts on holidays - and invite them to dinner, but, stop financing the lifestyle.

I agree!

One of the best things my mom did for me when I was 15 and pregnant was kick me out and force me to pay my own bills. (little did I know she was watching from afar to make sure I was ok).
In this case though, the daughter is 40…an adult, who should be able to support herself. If she doesn’t, cut her off, teach her how to by “tough love”… and don’t forget to pray!

 

[poppabob1343]

I agree with the others. The single best thing you can do for them is to let the make it on their own. This is one of the way character is built. You are a crutch for them, let them fall and get back up just as our Lord did. She will no doubt be angry with you but then she is already there so let her have her own way. Some people the problem is at the very core of who they are. Good luck

 

[SpaceNeedle]

One is not required to keep supporting this situation.

Tell them that effective on X date, your financial support will be withdrawn.

Pray for them, be loving, send gifts on holidays - and invite them to dinner, but, stop financing the lifestyle.

I concur strongly, with an addition: be clear that granddaughter is welcome for a visit any time.

But it is long since time for your daughter and son in law to grow up…your daughter’s development has been arrested by receiving such an excessive amount of help. There is never a reason an adult needs ongoing financial assistance to put a roof over their head. Sure, we all get into “pickles”, but paying for the home and car? What bills do these two have left?

 

[livnlern]

I agree with the other responders. Your daughter and her husband are adults and should be capable of caring for themselves and their daughter. You’ve been very generous about helping them but need to step back and let them support themselves. I understand that a relationship with your granddaughter is important to you. So, try to pull back without creating bad feelings between your daughter and you. After all, she and her husband are the gatekeepers to your grandchild. If she objects to your lack of support, tell her that you feel like she and her husband can handle things on their own, in other words, you have faith in their abilities. Offer to babysit sometimes for your granddaughter as long as you’re notified in advance and that way you’ll have time to spend with her.
It’s hard to let go of our kids, even when they’re adults but they’re better off when they can be independent. You won’t always be around to do things for your daughter’s family and really they’re old enough to look after themselves.

 

[CDNowak]

I concur strongly, with an addition: be clear that granddaughter is welcome for a visit any time.

But it is long since time for your daughter and son in law to grow up…your daughter’s development has been arrested by receiving such an excessive amount of help. There is never a reason an adult needs ongoing financial assistance to put a roof over their head. Sure, we all get into “pickles”, but paying for the home and car? What bills do these two have left?

This was my first impression, and being an adult “child” myself I think that both OP and daughter’s family need physical and emotional space.

 

[ManOnFire]

You have been too nice for too long. You spoiled her.

 

[yellowantphil]

He has job but does not make enough money to support his wife and baby.

Did he say that, or are you just assuming? They’ll be fine on their own—maybe not at the standard of living you’d prefer, but they should be able to manage.

I buy just about everything for the baby starting from diapers to food. I even clean their home and cook for them. He still resents it and never has said thank you.

I wouldn’t want someone paying all my bills and running my house for me either. Maybe he just wants a chance to support his own family, and doesn’t know how to politely get the point across that your assistance isn’t needed anymore.

But eventually they will need financial help or care for the baby.

Don’t bet on it…

I am in pain, hurt and angry.

So are they. Things should calm down after a while, if you give them some space and let them run their own apartment on their own dime.

If you have a key to their apartment, maybe you should give it back, to let them know that you’re committed to giving them the space they’re asking for. Of course you can let them know that you’ll be available to babysit your granddaughter or have them over for dinner sometime if they like.

 

[SMHW]

My only daughter is 40 yrs. old I have always helped her financially. Bought an apartment, cars, clothes, everything. She has been responsible with jobs but usually gets layoff and salaries reduced. She has a problem functioning. We never had a good relationship. She always seemed to resent me.

You have given your daughter many things but the one thing you have not given her is freedom. As long as you keep giving your daughter and her family the necessities of life you are not allowing her power over her own life. Your daughter knows this, even though she likes getting “the stuff”. It’s hard for her to be grateful because she isn’t getting what she truly needs from you.

It seems like these two could use a little help figuring out HOW to take care of themselves but they can’t learn that without actually DOING the caring for themselves. I suggest you change your strategy. Instead of paying the rent when they can’t pay it, you give them a list of organizations that can help them or a list of lower price rentals. If they can’t pay to fix the car, give them a bus schedule and a monthly pass for the next birthday/holiday. It’s one of those truths of life that people can’t learn to feel good about taking care of themselves until they learn to feel a bit of pain when they fail to do so.

By all means continue to do things with and for your granddaughter. Grandmas are supposed to do some “spoiling” and in this case it seems the granddaughter can truly benefit from your interaction (because she is too young to be eligible for the freedom her parents should be exercising.)

 

[dashso40]

Stop paying for everything, they are grown people, they will take care of themselves.
Stop cooking and cleaning for them. Just be a grandma, eventually when she sees you have pulled back, she won’t resent you taking your grandchild to the park.
My mother always offers to give me money because we don’t live like she wants us to. Eventhough I can desperately use the money, I never take it from her because she would remind me everyday of how much she gives me and try to make me feel bad. However, I don’t mind at all if she takes the kids out to the park or plays with them.
I’m sure your intentions are good but you are WAY too involved with their lives.

 

[puzzleannie]

offer to help but on your terms
let them know the date the financial assistance will stop, and stick to your word. you may be as generous as you like on gift giving occasions, but for your own satisfaction, not in expectation of thanks or real gratitude, you will be whistling dixie for that

if you want to continue babysitting, offer to do so and say you feel that is the best contribution you can make. But bear in mind you will do it when they want you, not when you want to go.

Decide now if you want to continue being a doormat as they hold your grandchild hostage for your gifts, and how long you want to live this way.

unless they have specifically asked you to babysit, you don’t need to be there every day.

first rule of helping adult children or other relatives: never, ever under any circumstances ask for gratitude or thanks or throw it up to them how much you do for them. If you are not doing it for sheer love and for the satisfaction it gives you, much healthier for everyone, esp. you, if you don’t do it at all.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

If the apartment and car are in your name because you paid for them, you might consider asking them to repay you on a timetable. If you signed over the title, then those were gifts. If they are not grateful, then take a hint and dont’ be so generous in the future.

If he is a lazy bum who doesn’t work, YOU are making it easy for him. YOU are the person they complain about when they’re together. If YOU withdraw your financial support, it will start to be difficult and she will have to address the real issue… why is she working and he isn’t? Without YOU cleaning their house they’ll have to grow up and do it. Without YOU making dinner they’ll have to come home and make it.

Sometimes people only appreciate what they have when they lose it.

Offer to babysit the child at YOUR place. Be aware if you no longer hand them money, they may use the baby against you and not let you see her. That will tell you just what they think of you and their child. (A money maker, not as a baby that loves her grandma.)

No more dinners. No more maid service. You are crippling them. What would they do if you died? You need to see them able to function on their own. If you really want to do something helpful, take the money you would have given them and put it aside in a college fund for the baby. Don’t tell them about it. But let it be in your will. They are old and ungrateful. But someday your grandchild may be the one who really appreciates your generosity.

Let them sink or swim on their own efforts. It’s beyond time. It will force them also to deal with the real issues in their own relationship. You are cushioning the blow and protecting them both from their own choices and behaviors. And they are resenting you for it and not dealing with reality. Step out of the way. You are worth more than the money you have shovelled at them. You can’t buy love. And if they don’t love you, why are you shovelling money at them?

 

[Mea_Culpa]

It must be horrible for you to try to do so much and get only nastiness and hostility in return. I will pray for you and your situation.

The advice you’ve gotten above is good. I’m afraid your efforts to be loving and supportive have caused you to be an enabler for your daughter and her husband - they can live without consequences for their actions because they know you’ll be there to do it all for them. As you have found out, they don’t appreciate you for what you’re doing - they feel they are entitled to it, and that you are their servant or their doormat.

You have to stop trying to do everything for them. Don’t give them any more money. They will have to budget the money they do have to live within their means like everybody else. If they get in trouble financially, and you come swooping in to the rescue with your checkbook - they will never learn to be responsible about money. Stay strong when the crisis comes, and it will come. The electricity is shut off, they can pay rent, there’s no food. Whatever it is, don’t bail them out. Let them do what adults do, and figure it out on their own and learn a lesson from it. Don’t cook for them. Babysit on your terms and at your convenience.

As mentioned above, expect a lot of manipulating - making you feel guilty, using the granddaughter as leverage to hold you hostage, verbal abuse, tantrums.

 

[Sirach_43]

It’s way past time to stop smothering your daughter. I get the impression that you are still viewing them as incompetent children. It’s better if you all learn how to start relating to each other as adults. I know you mean well, but please stop trying to control and rescue them. Frankly, if my mother (or mother-in-law) were as involved with my day to day life I would move far away. The fact that your daughter is “ungrateful” sounds like she’s tired of the status quo. I know you came here to vent and be told how 100% right you are and how dare your daughter not be grateful, but please, for the sake of her marriage and family, it’s time to cut the apron strings.

Just my $.02

 

[Vincent1984]

My plan is to keep my distance from both of them and probably they are right that I have intervene too much into their privacy like updating they apartment by myself and fixing their air conditioning and repairing anything that goes wrong including light bulbs. Due to my daughter situation I tried to compensate so that they will not get stress with money and thinking that it would be nice to find dinner on the table after work. Since the baby was born, I have spent everyday from 10:00 to 5:45 pm helping the baby except evenings and weekends because of his “privacy” . I used to invite them to dinner in my home once a week that they seemed annoyed and her husband never say thank you but ate everything.
today I called her to see if I could take the baby to the park that she told me it was not necessary, that she will do it.

I don’t doubt that your daughter and her husband should act more graciously towards you … but you are putting them in a very uncomfortable situation by interfering so much. I hope you mean what you say about intervening less in the future - if you have been letting yourself into their home to do repairs and cook dinner, I can easily see how they would feel invaded, demeaned and belittled. You need to find ways of interacting with them that treat them as adults and show that you respect them as a married couple and as parents.

 

[Charmian]

Put your pets in kennels - organise/pay for a person to come and water your plants, arm your house alarm, lock your door and go away for a week.

Spend your regular “help” money on yourself and don’t notify them until the day of your departure - better still let them know when your plane has landed somewhere nice.

Just say “Oh sweetheart, I’m away for the next week but don’t worry, I’ve employed someone to keep an eye on my plants. Call you when I get back, Love you - oh this line is bad, sorry love, bye”

Don’t call them again… and yes you can do that, and don’t let them know WHERE you are. And don’t answer the cell phone from them or any unlisted numbers.

Call them after you return and have unpacked and ask if they could bring the baby to see you as you bought some cute stuff for HER on your holiday. Which you will have, you are a granny after all.

Be strong, don’t let yourself to abused any longer.

 

[Vincent1984]

Spend your regular “help” money on yourself and don’t notify them until the day of your departure - better still let them know when your plane has landed somewhere nice.

Just say “Oh sweetheart, I’m away for the next week but don’t worry, I’ve employed someone to keep an eye on my plants. Call you when I get back, Love you - oh this line is bad, sorry love, bye”

Don’t call them again… and yes you can do that, and don’t let them know WHERE you are. And don’t answer the cell phone from them or any unlisted numbers.

Seriously? Is that the way to build a trusting relationship?

You need to talk to your daughter like an adult, and listen to her as an adult, not play stupid games.

 

[Charmian]

The daughter is not behaving like an adult and the mom (granny) needs to distance herself and can’t seem to do it while she is physically only 1 block away. Its not a game; Granny needs to see that daughter and grandchild can survive without her, and she can also survive without them.

If Granny removes herself physically for a short period of time, without the GUILT card being played by the daughter, it may get them both a wake-up call. Maybe daughter will appreciate her Mom and Granny will realise that their relationship may improve if she treats her daughter as an adult.

If my Mom were to clean my house when I was 40 without me appealling for help, I would be outraged; even if she thought she was helping.

If there is to be any relationship, they both have to start to engage as adults.