Unrealistic family expectation re MIL?

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90Domer

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Good morning everyone!

I have posted on this topic before concerning my mother-in-law. She is, so to say, high maintenance. Specifically, she is extremely self-centered, bordering on narcissistic. She’s also a sentamentalist (I am not sure is the two traits go hand in hand). My husband and I are polar opposites or her, which makes communication with her near impossible.

I actually tried to reach out to her and attempt to explain some of the traits that makes communicating/having a relationship with her so difficult: 1) lying/selective memory 2) directing all conversation and issues back to her needs. We have a special needs child, so we don’t have time for mental games with her. She will want to be on the phone for hours telling about the mundane things in her life (out to lunch, etc) without taking notice that we are overwhelmed. Mind you, we have limited the time we spend on the phone with her, and she has complained about this.

When I told her about the traits, she replied, “Well, then you’re telling me I have to change.” I basically said that yes, if she wanted a better relationship with us, that would be required. She then informed me that she is not going to change. With that my husband and I basically threw in the towel, much to the dismay of other family members. They would prefer we keep trying to work things out, but they do not know the extent to which we offered suggestions (many, including family counseling). Frankly, these two traits are quite troublesome for us to get past, as she combines the two to distort reality to place herself in a better light (she has an extraordinarally difficult time owning up to mistakes and apologizing for them).

With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?

Thank you and God bless.
 
90Domer said:
With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?
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Sometimes, when our lives are overwhelmed by our responsibilities or troubles, we have to just limit our time with toxic people. The just take too much energy out of us that we need for our own life. I think that is what you are saying you have done. I think that is a good thing for you and your husband and son. Your immediate family comes first. If the MIL is causing so much stress, your time with her needs to be limited, perhaps only to family gatherings when other family members are there to “entertain” her and run interference.

Perhaps the people that want you to reconcile with her are asking you to do so because they are now feeling the brunt of her narcissim in their lives, now that she doesn’t have you to listen to her every word. :rolleyes:

How l;ong has it been since you have not been spending time with her?
 
Irish,

Very good points that I have not thought of. Basically, things really degraded last Fall, when we caught her in some very troublesome lies. Phone contact had to cease because when we called her on these lies, she would refute them or say that she didn’t recall saying or doing said action. We resorted to written communication to document what we did so she couldn’t refute it.

She lives 300 miles away, and her other two sons are across country. My husband went to visit her the summer before last, but it is a hard trip for dear son to take. As at as family gatherings, there aren’t any really. She goes to visit the other two sons but says she does not have the confidence to come see us. So, she expects us to go up there.
 
90Domer said:
Good morning everyone!

I have posted on this topic before concerning my mother-in-law. She is, so to say, high maintenance. Specifically, she is extremely self-centered, bordering on narcissistic. She’s also a sentamentalist (I am not sure is the two traits go hand in hand). My husband and I are polar opposites or her, which makes communication with her near impossible.

I actually tried to reach out to her and attempt to explain some of the traits that makes communicating/having a relationship with her so difficult: 1) lying/selective memory 2) directing all conversation and issues back to her needs. We have a special needs child, so we don’t have time for mental games with her. She will want to be on the phone for hours telling about the mundane things in her life (out to lunch, etc) without taking notice that we are overwhelmed. Mind you, we have limited the time we spend on the phone with her, and she has complained about this.

When I told her about the traits, she replied, “Well, then you’re telling me I have to change.” I basically said that yes, if she wanted a better relationship with us, that would be required. She then informed me that she is not going to change. With that my husband and I basically threw in the towel, much to the dismay of other family members. They would prefer we keep trying to work things out, but they do not know the extent to which we offered suggestions (many, including family counseling). Frankly, these two traits are quite troublesome for us to get past, as she combines the two to distort reality to place herself in a better light (she has an extraordinarally difficult time owning up to mistakes and apologizing for them).

With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?

Thank you and God bless.
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Our MILs must be related. I don’t know if my advice in handling extended family is the best, but its what we have used in our situation. We have told them the less they are involved, the more chance that the situation can heal between us and my Inlaws. I would reassure them you love your MIL, but its between you, your husband and your MIL and for the sake of all involved, you will not discuss any conversations that have taken place. And repeat, repeat and repeat. What your extended family is doing is called in-family gossip, just dressed up in well meaning intentions. It only hurts the situation, not helps it. You need to set those boundaries and they need to learn to respect them. If your MIL wants to discuss the situation with extended family, that’s her issue, but don’t feed the situation yourself. Take yourself out of the game.
 
How old is your MIL? Any chance she may have Alzheimer’s? My MIL has it in a moderate stage now. It is easy to look back and see now that sme of her behavior could be attributed to that as they say it can start 20 years earlier.

I think that your husband should go see his mom, but leave you home to care for your son. And if she can go to see her other sons and not you, consider it a blessing at this point. At least you can leave if you are at her home and things go poorly. In your own home, there would be no escape.

Does she have many or any friends? Do you know any of them to speak to?
 
All good advice! Thank you! I will try to answer all the questions.
  1. She is 75 and has been widowed for 7 years. She has been very needy. We suspected she was suffering from memory loss, but she would magically remember what she forgot when talking to other family members about us.
  2. I agree about the gossip. This has always been troublesome because she will go to other family members with her problems before coming to us. She claims it is too hard to talk to my husband because he talks over her head (he is very intelligent). I have not established good enough boundaries with one set of family members. I need to do better.
  3. When my FIL died, she lost a lot of her friends. He had superb social skills and would make up for her deficit (she is very, very blunt and often insulting). He would smooth out many social situations. Many of her friends are newer, and we have not met them. Sadly, my FIL died in the same year our son got his autism diagnosis. She has not shared with us who is considered close to her. Transparency is another big problem.
I failed to mention one thing. The relationship really took a dive when I asked my husband to speak to her about some particularly troublesome situations. In the past, he would avoid speaking up in my behalf because it was too tedious to deal with her. Now that she is being held accountable for her actions, she is very combative.
 
As for my husband going to visit, at this point, he doesn’t think he can stomach it right now.
 
What is it that stops you from completely disengaging from her? Is she contacting you? Are there events which you are mutually invited to?
 
90Domer said:
With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” .
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The best way to deal with these family members is with boundaries. ‘We are not asking her to change, we are more than willing to accept her as she is. We have a lot of other responsibilities and our dear son needs much of our time. We do what we can’

I feel for you. I have often been in a situation where I tried to set a boundary with a difficult person, than the difficult person would complain about me behind my back to the point of annoying others. Because this person was SO difficult, others could not set the boundary with her to stop so they took it out on me. I learned the hard way, you can not be friends with whimps
 
If you do some internet or library research on “toxic personality disorder”, you might be surprised at all the folks who have been forced to go through this situation.

[It’s not a “real” … i.e. DSM … personality disorder … but it occurs often enough that books have been written about it and how to deal with it. ]
 
Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?
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The great news is that you don’t have to live with her 24 hours.

No need to say that you need to pray for her and as much as you can. Especially the rosary.
She will never change because she simply isn’t in control of her heart. Prayer is the only thing that will help her. When you feel ready, try to have compassion for her instead of taking anything personally what she does. I say this, because, her soul is lost and caught up with her self center world.

Don’t give in to despair, anger or anything that compromise your beautiful soul. You will have to learn to love her as she is and keep setting boundaries (firmly) and be patient. I wouldn’t answer the phone when she calls and let the answer machine pick up. (You can perhaps advise her that you will do so because she isn’t respecting your time with your child). As you said, you need your time for your child. Your child is your priority. Thanks goodness, your husband support you and this is huge for you.

Pray and consult with a priest, he will guide you. Jesus talks to his priest for us, you will receive direct guidance from our lord.

I pray for you and your family!
 
For what it is worth, I have a very similar mother in law to what you are describing. I could give story after story of all of the ridiculous things she has done or lies she has told, but that is for another day, another thread. 🙂 I originally struggled with my mother in law greatly. My own mom has an amazing relationship with my husband. It is on her top list of priorities to make the spouses of each of her children to feel that they are loved, welcomed, respected and appreciated. I love that about her. And, when I wasn’t getting the same treatment from my mother in law, I felt hurt. I felt like, my mom can do this, why can’t you? I would become angry when I caught my MIL in a lie. I would become hurt when I felt manipulated by her. I would become frustrated when I would try to establish a normal, healthy relationship and she would fill it with her unhealthy nonsense. I would feel, feel, feel, feel. But my husband and I have been able to come to a place to accept her as she is, to a certain degree. This involves a few different things.
  1. I expect nothing from her.
  2. I share only what needs to be shared–I have learned to still wear my heart on my sleeve for others, but to tuck my sleeve into my coat when she’s around. Does that make sense?
  3. I pray for her. Without her, I would not have my husband.
  4. I maintain communication–however fake it is returned–because she is my husband’s mom and my child’s grandmother.
  1. Did I mention, I expect nothing from her
Lowering my expectations has honestly really helped. The goal is not to develop a deep relationship or give of all of my time. The goal is simply to be civil, to be loving and charitable, and to do so at an arm’s length. A lot can come of simply accepting a person for who they are. Crazy is crazy, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
 
Ophelia23 said:
  1. I expect nothing from her.
  2. I share only what needs to be shared–I have learned to still wear my heart on my sleeve for others, but to tuck my sleeve into my coat when she’s around. Does that make sense?
  3. I pray for her. Without her, I would not have my husband.
  4. I maintain communication–however fake it is returned–because she is my husband’s mom and my child’s grandmother.
  1. Did I mention, I expect nothing from her
Lowering my expectations has honestly really helped. The goal is not to develop a deep relationship or give of all of my time. The goal is simply to be civil, to be loving and charitable, and to do so at an arm’s length. A lot can come of simply accepting a person for who they are. Crazy is crazy, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
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This is excellent, compassionate advice.
 
Love reading about your experience Ophelia23!

I am so proud of you, what a great wife and mother you become. Hope some day your mother in law will see this in you but what matter your precious husband knows.

All the best!
 
dshix said:
What is it that stops you from completely disengaging from her? Is she contacting you? Are there events which you are mutually invited to?
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We have completely disengaged, but we are getting major flack from other family members. We still want to have a relationship with them without dragging in the subject of MIL. I am guilty of letting it happen too much.
 
It’s not up to you to do all the changing in the relationship. MIL will need to change some of her behavior too. Most people try to change when there are complaints about their behavior. Relationships are two-way.

My son has special needs too, so I understand how that just dominates your family life and everything that you do. There’s only so much effort you can put into other things that don’t directly involve helping your kid.

Politely explain to the relatives that your relationship with MIL isn’t any of their business. Apologize that MIL is dragging them into your business, but that you aren’t going to discuss the matter with them any more. You will be happy to discuss other family business, but that topic is off limits.

It’s not up to just you to reconcile the situation. MIL needs to make some effort as well. She knows the terms of having a relationship with you and your family. If she chooses not to abide by the terms, then you have the right to say that you don’t want a relationship with her. I know I wouldn’t put up w/a liar and the drama very long either.

I’ve only met my in-laws once and I totally understand why my husband doesn’t want a relationship w/them. It’s not a requirement that everyone in your family gets along or that you have to keep in contact with them. Sometimes, people just don’t get along and you need to part ways to keep your sanity. It sounds like she has other family that’s willing to put up with her stuff. Let them deal w/all the drama. You’ve got your own family to worry about.

Your husband can decide what kind of relationship he wants w/her. Just make sure that he understands and is okay with your position on the matter. It’s okay if both of you have different levels of involvement in her life. Just as long as your clearly articulate your positions and respect each other, regardless of the others independent choice.

It’s not just up to you to make the situation work. If she’s not going to make any effort to change, then I really wouldn’t put much more effort into trying to make it work.
 
Anglewannabe said:
The best way to deal with these family members is with boundaries. ‘We are not asking her to change, we are more than willing to accept her as she is. We have a lot of other responsibilities and our dear son needs much of our time. We do what we can’

I feel for you. I have often been in a situation where I tried to set a boundary with a difficult person, than the difficult person would complain about me behind my back to the point of annoying others. Because this person was SO difficult, others could not set the boundary with her to stop so they took it out on me. I learned the hard way, you can not be friends with whimps
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Oh my gosh, this is exactly it! Family members work on us because they see us as more reasonable.

A big problem is my son’s special needs. My MIL and BIL (youngest sibling of three) do not believe me/hubby when we say how demanding son is (today I am getting a much needed break). Son is on the autism spectrum, but he has a cluster of disabilities which can manifest at any given time. Our public school was doing a poor job of addressing his disabilities, so we chose to pull him and send him to a special needs Quaker school. It’s been a bumpy transition. MIL and BIL chalk up his behavior to being a spoiled brat (this came back to us through the family gossip chain).

I know I am holding on to some resentment because when we asked MIL/FIL for financial help with son for therapies, FIL said they were in no financial position to help us. After he died, I found out he left MIL a $1.4 estate. We asked them for $3,000.

So, I am also trying to heal myself from this incident and other related financial incidents where she would offer to help only to say “she can’t afford it” when taking her up on her offer. After having that happen a couple times, we wised up.
 
I want to say thank you for reading this thread. It has brought me a measure of sanity that I don’t get on this topic.

If I can ask one more question. Sorry, but this is really laying on me.

So my hubby has 2 younger brothers. The middle brother–who sympathizes with us–has a blended family. He married a much older woman who has 2 kids. One child is now married with 3 kids of her own, all born after my son. We didn’t get to know SIL children for 2 reasons: they were older when BIL married and either out of the house or living with other parent and distance.

SIL mentioned that she felt our MIL caused a rift between me/hubby and her kids. (MIL has been generous to SIL’s kids/grandkids and has told us she cannot provide more assistance to our son because of SIL’s growing family.) I felt this was a back door way to get around my “no mention of MIL” policy. Sadly, I like my SIL but the drama is killing me. I feel I can’t win.
 
How do I forgive someone who is not seeking forgiveness? If you are telling me to turn the other cheek, I am sorry but I cannot do that. Too many hurts, especially since son was born without an admission that it was insensitive, let alone wrong.
 
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