Unrealistic family expectation re MIL?

[Serap]

Good morning everyone!

I have posted on this topic before concerning my mother-in-law. She is, so to say, high maintenance. Specifically, she is extremely self-centered, bordering on narcissistic. She’s also a sentamentalist (I am not sure is the two traits go hand in hand). My husband and I are polar opposites or her, which makes communication with her near impossible.

I actually tried to reach out to her and attempt to explain some of the traits that makes communicating/having a relationship with her so difficult: 1) lying/selective memory 2) directing all conversation and issues back to her needs. We have a special needs child, so we don’t have time for mental games with her. She will want to be on the phone for hours telling about the mundane things in her life (out to lunch, etc) without taking notice that we are overwhelmed. Mind you, we have limited the time we spend on the phone with her, and she has complained about this.

When I told her about the traits, she replied, “Well, then you’re telling me I have to change.” I basically said that yes, if she wanted a better relationship with us, that would be required. She then informed me that she is not going to change. With that my husband and I basically threw in the towel, much to the dismay of other family members. They would prefer we keep trying to work things out, but they do not know the extent to which we offered suggestions (many, including family counseling). Frankly, these two traits are quite troublesome for us to get past, as she combines the two to distort reality to place herself in a better light (she has an extraordinarally difficult time owning up to mistakes and apologizing for them).

With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?

Thank you and God bless.

I’m going through this too with my SIL. Sometimes you have to cut toxic people from your life.

Your family members mean well and are not trying to cause trouble. They love both of you and your MIL very much.

You cannot continue a toxic relationship at the expense of your hown unhappiness.

I have recently decided to cut a toxic family member from my life too, but I cannot cut her out completely b/c she is my husband’s sister. I can however, only agree to be with her when my husband is around and to keep the conversation extremely light at all times.

Toxic people suck the life out of you and you cannot function like that. Pray for the other person, forgive them for their inability to see past their own emotional needs and get on with your own life. Give what you can and are able.

 

[Serap]

How do I forgive someone who is not seeking forgiveness? If you are telling me to turn the other cheek, I am sorry but I cannot do that. Too many hurts, especially since son was born without an admission that it was insensitive, let alone wrong.

Forgiveness does not include having contact with an emotionally abusive person.

7X70 means that you pray for her and forgive her for not being able to see past her own emotional needs. You turn the other cheek by wishing her well from afar. You turn the other cheek by giving what you can and are able to do. It may mean sending her birthday cards in the mail or seeing her once or twice a year. It may mean sending her money so she can afford old age and be healthy.

Do what you can.

 

[Serap]

Oh my gosh, this is exactly it! Family members work on us because they see us as more reasonable.

A big problem is my son’s special needs. My MIL and BIL (youngest sibling of three) do not believe me/hubby when we say how demanding son is (today I am getting a much needed break). Son is on the autism spectrum, but he has a cluster of disabilities which can manifest at any given time. Our public school was doing a poor job of addressing his disabilities, so we chose to pull him and send him to a special needs Quaker school. It’s been a bumpy transition. MIL and BIL chalk up his behavior to being a spoiled brat (this came back to us through the family gossip chain).

I know I am holding on to some resentment because when we asked MIL/FIL for financial help with son for therapies, FIL said they were in no financial position to help us. After he died, I found out he left MIL a $1.4 estate. We asked them for $3,000.

So, I am also trying to heal myself from this incident and other related financial incidents where she would offer to help only to say “she can’t afford it” when taking her up on her offer. After having that happen a couple times, we wised up.

Well then you both will stop asking for financial help and forgive her for not being able to have enough empathy to see past her own needs. You will move on and wish her well. In time, you may have enough strength to have limited contact with her.

 

[90Domer]

We do pray for her, offer masses for her, enroll her in spiritual bouquets, etc.

That said, I definitely misunderstood the post. And toxic people are not fun. I had to distance myself from my sister because her alcoholism, among other things, was very troublesome.

 

[mommy_k]

Prayers to you for your patience with this individual. You have gotton great advice.
Mommy K

 

[Regina_Love]

For what it is worth, I have a very similar mother in law to what you are describing. I could give story after story of all of the ridiculous things she has done or lies she has told, but that is for another day, another thread. I originally struggled with my mother in law greatly. My own mom has an amazing relationship with my husband. It is on her top list of priorities to make the spouses of each of her children to feel that they are loved, welcomed, respected and appreciated. I love that about her. And, when I wasn’t getting the same treatment from my mother in law, I felt hurt. I felt like, my mom can do this, why can’t you? I would become angry when I caught my MIL in a lie. I would become hurt when I felt manipulated by her. I would become frustrated when I would try to establish a normal, healthy relationship and she would fill it with her unhealthy nonsense. I would feel, feel, feel, feel. But my husband and I have been able to come to a place to accept her as she is, to a certain degree. This involves a few different things.

1. I expect nothing from her.
2. I share only what needs to be shared–I have learned to still wear my heart on my sleeve for others, but to tuck my sleeve into my coat when she’s around. Does that make sense?
3. I pray for her. Without her, I would not have my husband.
4. I maintain communication–however fake it is returned–because she is my husband’s mom and my child’s grandmother.

1. Did I mention, I expect nothing from her

Lowering my expectations has honestly really helped. The goal is not to develop a deep relationship or give of all of my time. The goal is simply to be civil, to be loving and charitable, and to do so at an arm’s length. A lot can come of simply accepting a person for who they are. Crazy is crazy, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Very wise!

 

[90Domer]

Thank you for all your great replies! I do need to lower my expectations. Honestly, I can handle her hurting me, but it is tough when she does it to my son. That is where I am holding on to anger (she chose not to attend his First Holy Communion, and that was a devastating blow).

I will not stand in the way of my husband having a relationship with her. However, I agree and have adjusted what we tell her because of her tendency to spin a story in her favor when she gossips to other family members. But the point about not having my husband if it wasn’t for her really drove the point home.

I will look up toxic personality disorder. I had no idea there was something out there to read.

God bless.

 

[dshix]

Thank you for all your great replies! I do need to lower my expectations. Honestly, I can handle her hurting me, but it is tough when she does it to my son. That is where I am holding on to anger (she chose not to attend his First Holy Communion, and that was a devastating blow).

I will not stand in the way of my husband having a relationship with her. However, I agree and have adjusted what we tell her because of her tendency to spin a story in her favor when she gossips to other family members. But the point about not having my husband if it wasn’t for her really drove the point home.

I will look up toxic personality disorder. I had no idea there was something out there to read.

God bless.

Why was it a devastating blow for her to not attend your son’s First Communion? Based on what you’ve told us on this thread (and what I’ve read of what you have said on other threads) I’d be relieved to not have to deal with her at that event.

 

[Serap]

Thank you for all your great replies! I do need to lower my expectations. Honestly, I can handle her hurting me, but it is tough when she does it to my son. That is where I am holding on to anger (she chose not to attend his First Holy Communion, and that was a devastating blow).

I will not stand in the way of my husband having a relationship with her. However, I agree and have adjusted what we tell her because of her tendency to spin a story in her favor when she gossips to other family members. But the point about not having my husband if it wasn’t for her really drove the point home.

I will look up toxic personality disorder. I had no idea there was something out there to read.

God bless.

A great many people out there are toxic. We all need to surround ourselves with mentally healthy people and pray for the ones that aren’t.

 

[PatriceA]

Why was it a devastating blow for her to not attend your son’s First Communion? Based on what you’ve told us on this thread (and what I’ve read of what you have said on other threads) I’d be relieved to not have to deal with her at that event.

I had the same thing happen to our family, my in laws decided not to attend our daughter’s First Communion. Although I can’t speak for the OP, and as much trouble as we’ve had with my own MIL, I was hoping at the very least we could have put aside our differences for the sake of the occasion. Yes, on some levels it is a relief to not have to deal with a toxic relative at family events. But when its such an important event in your child’s life, its all about them, not about the troubles and estrangement between an adult child and his/her parent. It should be about what is best for the grandchild. Its hard to explain to a child why grandma isn’t there, and it can feel like one more manipulation or guilt trip on the part of the toxic relative/grandparent.

 

[90Domer]

Wow, I found so much helpful info after Googling toxic personality disorder. Thank you to everyone for your care and concern. Now it’s time for a rosary!

 

[dshix]

I had the same thing happen to our family, my in laws decided not to attend our daughter’s First Communion. Although I can’t speak for the OP, and as much trouble as we’ve had with my own MIL, I was hoping at the very least we could have put aside our differences for the sake of the occasion. Yes, on some levels it is a relief to not have to deal with a toxic relative at family events. But when its such an important event in your child’s life, its all about them, not about the troubles and estrangement between an adult child and his/her parent. It should be about what is best for the grandchild. Its hard to explain to a child why grandma isn’t there, and it can feel like one more manipulation or guilt trip on the part of the toxic relative/grandparent.

Right. That makes sense.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?

Thank you and God bless.

I think you have to recognize that they are not going to understand or agree with you, and accept that. And then you can ask them to recognize that you are not going to understand or agree with them, and to accept that. I imagine that you get a lot of grief from family partly because it is a topic of discussion that you engage in. Perhaps you want another family member to understand your viewpoint, or to validate your decision, or even to make the same decision themselves. Perhaps you are just defending yourself. What I would do is stop discussing it with them. It might be best to have a conversation once, in which you say that you have come to the realization that you are not going to convince each other to change your minds, and that you think it would be best if you all just agreed to disagree. Then in the future, if people bring it up, you can say, “this is between me & dh, and mil. You are free to make your own decisions, and I respect those. Please respect our decisions.” or “This decision is not up for discussion. Let’s change the topic to something that is worth talking about.”

That is the nice way of saying, “butt out, it’s none of your business,” which is the truth.

 

[mommamaree]

Irish,

Very good points that I have not thought of. Basically, things really degraded last Fall, when we caught her in some very troublesome lies. Phone contact had to cease because when we called her on these lies, she would refute them or say that she didn’t recall saying or doing said action. We resorted to written communication to document what we did so she couldn’t refute it.

She lives 300 miles away, and her other two sons are across country. My husband went to visit her the summer before last, but it is a hard trip for dear son to take. As at as family gatherings, there aren’t any really. She goes to visit the other two sons but says she does not have the confidence to come see us. So, she expects us to go up there.

I don’t have any advice but wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this. My mother is very much like your MIL. We have had to stop ALL contact. I could not handle the lies, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc.
I found a lot of help here at CAF on how to make Christian decisions regarding this painful topic. I hope you are able to find the support here that you need as well. God bless you and your family.

 

[90Domer]

Why was it a devastating blow for her to not attend your son’s First Communion? Based on what you’ve told us on this thread (and what I’ve read of what you have said on other threads) I’d be relieved to not have to deal with her at that event.

My son was sad and asked why she wasn’t there. I agree is was a relief not to have the drama but it reinforced for me the lack of grandmotherly love. Also, my husband was hurt by it as well.

 

[90Domer]

I had the same thing happen to our family, my in laws decided not to attend our daughter’s First Communion. Although I can’t speak for the OP, and as much trouble as we’ve had with my own MIL, I was hoping at the very least we could have put aside our differences for the sake of the occasion. Yes, on some levels it is a relief to not have to deal with a toxic relative at family events. But when its such an important event in your child’s life, its all about them, not about the troubles and estrangement between an adult child and his/her parent. It should be about what is best for the grandchild. Its hard to explain to a child why grandma isn’t there, and it can feel like one more manipulation or guilt trip on the part of the toxic relative/grandparent.

This is spot-on. My husband literally begged her to come and she said she didn’t want to because she would feel uncomfortable at the event. We really wanted this to be a celebration of not only the sacrament, but of him being able to make his communion with his classmates (and not being delayed by his disability). He has huge feeding issues, so we really had to prep him for properly receiving the Eucharist.

I actually lost my temper with her and screamed at her for being selfish. It didn’t phase her. She changed her story and said she didn’t come because my parents would be there and “they don’t like me.”

 

[90Domer]

I have to say this thread really helped me out in knowing that I am not the only one who has this situation. And yes, I have vented to my BIL and SIL about our mother/mother-in-law because I couldn’t stand the distorted stories about me and wanted to plead my case.

Since then, about a couple weeks ago, I told them that we invested too much time in MIL to no avail. My SIL has a name for the two of us–the outlaws.

 

[m_crane]

300 miles should be far enough away, to set boundaries that will work for you and your family.

A 20 minute chat once a week from either you or mostly your husband should be enough to keep her happy. Talk about impersonal subjects like the weather, tv news etc. Tell her that you are all doing well, (even if you aren’t) and put your son on for a quick hello.

Don’t ask her for favors or money or anything.

Also, you could just listen to her talk for 20 minutes if it’s not gossip. If she starts to gossip,Tell her you have to go and you’ll call her back or just tell her you don’t want to talk about that subject.

The best advice(already said) is to not expect anything from her. My MIL is a terrible gossip and for many years I have been her target. Now she has a new target, unfortunately, in a grand-daughter-in law. It’s kinda sad because I can hear the jealousy in her voice when she picks at her new victim. All I can think of is how wonderful her life could have been if she would have learned to love people instead of being so jealous of them. My MIL is a sad lonely old woman with no one to really love because she can’t welcome others into her family, so she tries to find fault with them and ends up causing division. Eventually, everyone tries to distance themselves from her, even her own children.

My expecting better of her has only caused me countless grief in my own marriage. She has caused damage in my relationship with both SILs but I figure they made those choices themselves and I own them nothing more than polite treatment when I do have to spent time with them.

What a crazy fallen world we live in but with God there is always help. Pray for her and pray for yourself so that you can deal with her justly and with compassion and kindness.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

We have an individual obligation to make available … or assure there is available … food, clothing and shelter … medical care … heat in the winter.

And that’s it.

But / and those do not need to be delivered by us, personally.

And if our loved ones reject what we offer, then that’s their decision.

We have no obligation to force our love on others.

One of my priest-friends talked about love in his homily.

He said we should love everyone, but you don’t have to love them “a lot”.

No one is entitled to use us or someone else as a punching bag.

 

[90Domer]

First, I want to thank everyone who posted to this thread. It brought me a good amount of peace last night, and I was able to get a decent night’s sleep for once. My prayers go out to your intentions today.

I think the biggest thing I learned in this thread is that I am not alone. No one in my immediate circle of friends/relatives have a MIL who is close to being the equivalent of mine. So, thank you for the support on that front.

The second thing I learned is to really expect nothing from her. I got lulled into thinking that she truly wanted to help my son with his disability. I should have figured out long before that this was not the case. She wanted or–more accurately–expected my son to devour her with affection because she’s his grandmother. Well, because of my son’s disability, that didn’t happen. Heck, it rarely happens with us as his parents. I should have picked up on her saying “I don’t know if he even likes me” or " I don’t have a connection with him" as a clue to her sentiments. I desperately wanted to provide the therapies suggested by my son’s doctors and teachers, so I advocated for him. But that doesn’t excuse my lack of perspective.

Third is to continue praying for her. She is obviously not in a good place and cannot fathom that she’s hurt us. I know this has spilled into other aspects of her life. I am just not sure of the extent.

God’s blessings to you all today.