Unrealistic family expectation re MIL?

[Serap]

First, I want to thank everyone who posted to this thread. It brought me a good amount of peace last night, and I was able to get a decent night’s sleep for once. My prayers go out to your intentions today.

I think the biggest thing I learned in this thread is that I am not alone. No one in my immediate circle of friends/relatives have a MIL who is close to being the equivalent of mine. So, thank you for the support on that front.

The second thing I learned is to really expect nothing from her. I got lulled into thinking that she truly wanted to help my son with his disability. I should have figured out long before that this was not the case. She wanted or–more accurately–expected my son to devour her with affection because she’s his grandmother. Well, because of my son’s disability, that didn’t happen. Heck, it rarely happens with us as his parents. I should have picked up on her saying “I don’t know if he even likes me” or " I don’t have a connection with him" as a clue to her sentiments. I desperately wanted to provide the therapies suggested by my son’s doctors and teachers, so I advocated for him. But that doesn’t excuse my lack of perspective.

Third is to continue praying for her. She is obviously not in a good place and cannot fathom that she’s hurt us. I know this has spilled into other aspects of her life. I am just not sure of the extent.

God’s blessings to you all today.

A good prayer I say for my SIL:

God please help my sister in law see beyond her own needs. Help her feel love instead of negativity and resentment. Help her learn to accept her own faults and the faults of others.

 

[JillianRose]

Good morning everyone!

I have posted on this topic before concerning my mother-in-law. She is, so to say, high maintenance. Specifically, she is extremely self-centered, bordering on narcissistic. She’s also a sentamentalist (I am not sure is the two traits go hand in hand). My husband and I are polar opposites or her, which makes communication with her near impossible.

I actually tried to reach out to her and attempt to explain some of the traits that makes communicating/having a relationship with her so difficult: 1) lying/selective memory 2) directing all conversation and issues back to her needs. We have a special needs child, so we don’t have time for mental games with her. She will want to be on the phone for hours telling about the mundane things in her life (out to lunch, etc) without taking notice that we are overwhelmed. Mind you, we have limited the time we spend on the phone with her, and she has complained about this.

When I told her about the traits, she replied, “Well, then you’re telling me I have to change.” I basically said that yes, if she wanted a better relationship with us, that would be required. She then informed me that she is not going to change. With that my husband and I basically threw in the towel, much to the dismay of other family members. They would prefer we keep trying to work things out, but they do not know the extent to which we offered suggestions (many, including family counseling). Frankly, these two traits are quite troublesome for us to get past, as she combines the two to distort reality to place herself in a better light (she has an extraordinarally difficult time owning up to mistakes and apologizing for them).

With this in mind, what is the best way to quiet family members who bug us about reconciling? They ask us to tolerate her because “she isn’t going to change.” Problem is, we have accommodated her far more than she deserves and want family members to appreciate what we are going through with our son (basically, cut us a break because we are overwhelmed). Can anyone give advice who may have been in a similar situation?

Thank you and God bless.

Hello!! We must have the same mother in-law. I have realized she is not going to change and I just stopped telling her stuff. You are looking for and ideal realationship that does not exist. I let my husband deal with his mom. Since I have gotten over my own pride and just let her “yack” we have had a better relationship. It is true when you marry someone you marry their family. You can only be responsible for yourself. Jesus said to love one another, he was not talking about people that are easy to love.

P.S. Do yourself a favor and stop getting other family members involved. You are just going to make yourself look bad.

In Christ,
Jill

 

[Serap]

Hello!! We must have the same mother in-law. I have realized she is not going to change and I just stopped telling her stuff. You are looking for and ideal realationship that does not exist. I let my husband deal with his mom. Since I have gotten over my own pride and just let her “yack” we have had a better relationship. It is true when you marry someone you marry their family. You can only be responsible for yourself. Jesus said to love one another, he was not talking about people that are easy to love.

P.S. Do yourself a favor and stop getting other family members involved. You are just going to make yourself look bad.

In Christ,
Jill

exactly…you let your husband deal with his family and you (the wife) just stay out of it.

I have decided to not be around my SIL anymore unless my husband is there. I will stay out of her line of fire. She is never rude to me when my husband is around.