Unwanted inappropriate MIL advice

[Princess18]

I desperately need to vent. I need to get it all out and have a few of you commiserate with me before I can let my anger go.

My Protestant mother-in-law (future MIL actually, but barely two months to go) will not shut up and mind her own business. I’m the first Catholic she’s ever met and for some reason the differences between my beliefs and hers require her to speak up about how stupid and/or irresponsible she believes I am.

She discovered that Catholics are not allowed to use birth control and despite my FH’s open admission that he’s happily learning about NFP she believes that I am forcing my cultish beliefs on him. We were visiting one weekend and she walked in on me taking my temperature. “I can’t believe you two are not going to use anything. That’s so irresponsible. I raised my son to use protection and use his brain, not to act stupidly and leave such important things to chance. If he’s willing to not wear a rubber with you that makes me wonder how stupid he’s been in his past, since you were able to talk him out of it. Have you been tested for STDs??”

After I picked up my jaw off of the floor, I told her I was not going to discuss it with her. Now if she had said “I don’t understand this NFP thing and why you can’t just go on the pill” then I would have been happy to explain and answer every question she could think up. However, since she essentially implied that I am a manipulative whore, I was too shocked to attempt a conversation that didn’t involve me clocking her between the eyes. Additionally, after replaying the incident about 20 times in my head hours later I remembered that my future BIL and SIL are on the pill and that is is not common for pill-users to utilize rubbers. I wonder, did they get accused of being infectious too for not wrapping up, or is it just me because I am so irresponsible?

Please PLEASE feel free to share your stories of any family you have that suffer from the same unbelievable verbal diarrhea - trust me, it helps me to hear I am not alone. I am not really looking for advice, just company. Thanks friends.

 

[dixieagle]

I can’t exactly say I know where you/re coming from, as my MIL would never have acted this way, dear cradle Catholic that she was, but I do want to say that I think you have demonstrated admirable restraint, as I WOULD have “clocked” your FMIL.

It’s probably good for you to realize that this woman will NEVER change, so make your mind up now that you will never take anything she says to heart. (It sounds as if the apple fell VERY far from the tree in your case, thank God!)

Perhaps a wide-eyed “What could possibly make you think this is ANY of your business?” might temporarily stun her.

Good luck, honey!!!

 

[newbetx]

Sigh. I’m so sorry Princess. The problem with “mixed” marriages, I guess. Ignorance is so hard to overcome. I guess you have a choice… the 500 mile rule or bear the cross. It’s important that PC stand up (I bet this will be really hard) to his mother and say something in your/his defense or to butt out.

Did PC ever read the TOB stuff? Has he bought in or is he just doing it for you? (Oh, I hope this won’t bring on a fight or make you feel bad, but I think you know my intentions.)

The comment about rubbers… See, I think the MIL thinks she did her son a favor about teaching as society is doing in that “it’s just sex. Have fun but be safe.” She figured HE should take responsibility and not leave it to the girl he’s, ah, with. She just really doesn’t understand things as you now do. Prayers. And I guess as long as PC is still good with NFP, you guys will do OK.

Just curiosity… is divorce in the history of the in-laws? Maybe you could drop the low divorce rate stat for NFP use and get her to back off some. Really it comes down to love and how to love. Most will never have a clue they don’t have a clue. You are actually one of the lucky ones, Princess! I pity your MIL.

I’m sorry she’s so “anti-Catholic.” I’m sure there are some non-Catholic books against contraception out there. I just don’t know of any. Hopefully some here can come to the rescue!

Lastly. Maybe a carefully crafted letter about your love and respect for her son, the mutual benefit of NFP and strength of faith that is required of you both, may win her over.

Peace and prayers!

 

[Paul2274]

I feel sorry for you. But you are marring your husband not your MIL.
BTW if your using NFP now… does that mean your having relations outside of marriage?

Anyway, I hope things calm down after the wedding. Could you imagine the reaction she’d have if her son started RCIA?!

Paul

 

[newbetx]

I feel sorry for you. But you are marring your husband not your MIL.
BTW if your using NFP now… does that mean your having relations outside of marriage?

Anyway, I hope things calm down after the wedding. Could you imagine the reaction she’d have if her son started RCIA?!

Paul

Hey Paul. You’d have to understand Princess’ story. She practicing an NFP method prior to marriage as is recommended.

As for who she is marrying… I assure you, you don’t just get a spouse, you get a family. Some are more challenging than others.

 

[duskyjewel]

It is your fiance’s job to tell his mother to back off. He needs to set boundaries NOW. You two are adults, and she has no right to pry into or criticize your private decisions. (BTW, why or how does she even know this?! Why does your fiance’s mother know your intended birth control method? Why is she in your bedroom or bathroom to see you taking your temperature?! Seems there are really MAJOR boundary issues here…)

If he is not grown up enough to tell Mommy to back off, then he is not grown up enough to get married.

If you don’t believe me, read the threads on this board from the women who have been married for years and still have MILs barging into every realm of their marriages with no compunction.

As the wife of a man who has had to tell his Mom to back off several times, and has made it very clear which woman comes first in his life, I have to tell you… it is a thing of beauty for a wife to see her man defend his marriage against an encroaching mother. You deserve that.

I would not have married my husband had he not shown me beforehand that he could set boundaries with his mother. She crossed the line, and he pushed her firmly back. I knew he COULD and WOULD do it because I had watched him do it. So I had no fear of her being able to get between us, and I still don’t.

 

[Feedmysheep]

My MIL (very, very anti-Catholic) told us that baptizing “her grandchildren” was the same as the Israelites sacrificing their children to Moloch.

She’s also told us that we’re going to hell, that several of our parenting choices (co-sleeping, vegetarian diets, homeschooling) are child abuse, that she’s contemplated calling P.S. on us, and that we are constantly breaking the 4th commandment by not honoring her.

She’s refused to ever step foot in our Church, yet showed up for one grandchild’s baptism, rolling her eyes and sighing disgustedly the entire time. She refused to speak to our priest, shake his hand, or make eye contact with him. She went out of her way to take pictures of every single family member around that day, but not a single one of the baby until he was out of his baptismal gown.

She’s never specifically mentioned our family size/family planning choices to us, but HAS made use of the family grapevine to express her opinion that having more than two was “stupid”. And she’s talking about existing grandchildren, not theoretical abstractions.

All I can say is, let your husband deal with it. It’s his mom, and, if she’s anything like mine, nothing anyone says will make a bit of difference with her, but better to let her son stand up to her than you.

 

[duskyjewel]

All I can say is, let your husband deal with it. It’s his mom, and, if she’s anything like mine, nothing anyone says will make a bit of difference with her, but better to let her son stand up to her than you.

Ah… but see, done right, it can and will make a difference. If she gets the message that continued inappropriate behavior will mean less and less contact with the son she so wants to hold onto, she will either shape up or end up alone.

My husband loves his mother very much and wants to be around her. But if protecting his family meant not allowing her to be around, then he would do that. He would make that sacrifice. I have no doubt about it. Thankfully, his mother is not dangerous and rarely really destructive, so it has never gotten close to that point. I remember the couple of times she skirted that line though… oh my… his anger and sense of betrayal was amazing. It drove him closer to me, meaning her ploys backfired on her. Her emotional blackmail does not work on him anymore, because he chose long ago that nothing would tear apart the family he made with me.

She gets that, and you know, I think she respects him and sees him fully as a man for it. I know I sure do…

 

[Paul2274]

Hey Paul. You’d have to understand Princess’ story. She practicing an NFP method prior to marriage as is recommended.

As for who she is marrying… I assure you, you don’t just get a spouse, you get a family. Some are more challenging than others.

Aah! Gotcha… I understand. It’s been too long for me.My wife and I just let things happen… if they happen we are blessed. I guess I’m just gettin old… … or maybe it’s MadCow

I will add her to my prayer list tonight when I say my rosary.

Paul

 

[Corki]

I desperately need to vent. I need to get it all out and have a few of you commiserate with me before I can let my anger go.

Please PLEASE feel free to share your stories of any family you have that suffer from the same unbelievable verbal diarrhea - trust me, it helps me to hear I am not alone. I am not really looking for advice, just company. Thanks friends.

I feel your pain. I get this all the time from my MIL and SIL. The SIL situation is particularly painful since she is godmother to my son. They both feel they can vent over everything from our religious practice to our family size. The SIL is very pro-abortion/pro-contraception. The MIL is just ambivalent about Catholicism. This in spite of the fact that they are both Catholic (non-practicing).

If it was just me, I would just “grin and bear it” but they have decided that since I am defective, they need to make sure my kids know the “truth”. Luckily, my kids are both “rules” kids and they hold pretty fast in a discussion but I try very hard not to leave my kids alone with either one of them.

 

[Feedmysheep]

Ah… but see, done right, it can and will make a difference. If she gets the message that continued inappropriate behavior will mean less and less contact with the son she so wants to hold onto, she will either shape up or end up alone.

Maybe, maybe not. My MIL has wound up mostly alone due to her behavior towards us, but she embraces this and sees it as a justified martyrdom (I know, what a Catholic concept coming from the rabid anti-Catholic). It has fueled her bitterness and made it all the more spiteful. Since she’s unwilling to modify her behavior, and that decision has resulted in loss of contact with her son, she has nothing to lose anymore and is even more vicious.

If her son was the chain keeping the rabid dog at bay, loss of contact with him did nothing but set Cujo on the prowl.

 

[lizm25]

I haven’t logged onto CAF in a long time, but I’m feeling so down lately and wanted to find someone in a similar situation as me – and I found this post immediately! My father, who is a former Catholic (then Church of Christ, then Baptist, now a more “extreme” Baptist church), was never happy that I became a confirmed Catholic ten years ago. He constantly sends anti-Catholic things to me via e-mail and now regular mail also. He won’t come right out and criticize the Church or me directly when he talks to me, but words it in a way so that an outsider would almost think that I wasn’t Catholic but that the person he is talking about is. Does that make any sense? Anyhow, just in the past week, I have received a book, then several tracts from his church. The book wasn’t terribly anti-Catholic, although after googling the author, know that he himself is. The tracts, however, are very anti-Catholic. I try to “turn the other cheek” so to speak, but I’m anxious now as he is planning a trip out here next month. I don’t mind him saying things to me, as I can defend myself and my faith if I need to, but I am concerned that he will say something within earshot of or even directly to my children. My oldest, who will be 6, will undoubtedly take anything he says to heart – after all, it is her grandpa! My dh said I should come out right now and tell him to cut it out otherwise he is not welcome here. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can do that. This would just encourage more of this behavior from him.

Well, you asked for people to share stories, so here it is! Whew! Thanks for letting me cut in and vent also. Prayers for you and your fiance. The support of a great husband is invaluable in situations like these, but sometimes it takes other Catholics with similar “issues” to feel like we’re not the only ones in the world dealing with this.

Liz

 

[Princess18]

Thanks for your posts! A few responses to your questions -

Perhaps a wide-eyed “What could possibly make you think this is ANY of your business?” might temporarily stun her.

I wish, I tried that. She followed me around the room until I went in the bathroom, closed the door, and started the shower water (as she was still talking through the door). See, he’s her baby boy and she’s concerned now that he’s a moron and being taken advantage of, so she has every right to ask! When she’s not around her entire family has conversations about how bossy and nosey she is.

Did PC ever read the TOB stuff? Has he bought in or is he just doing it for you? (Oh, I hope this won’t bring on a fight or make you feel bad, but I think you know my intentions.)

Well, sort of. (And for everyone else, PC is what newbetx calls my future husband - Prince Charming ) He doesn’t read anything but things for work, so I read mine while he reads his and I summarize each chapter. We discuss it in-depth later. He’s “read” about four books on Catholicism this way. He agrees with being open to life every time and God’s master plan for marriage. He gets frustrated that we can’t do other things while still (technically) abstaining but he understands why. I love him even more for it. We’ve both made so much progress since I originally started posting in January.

The comment about rubbers… See, I think the MIL thinks she did her son a favor about teaching as society is doing in that “it’s just sex. Have fun but be safe.”

You’re right. She gave me that speech too. Apparently she grilled him every time he came home from a date in high-school as to if he was careful, so really this is nothing new.

Just curiosity… is divorce in the history of the in-laws? Maybe you could drop the low divorce rate stat for NFP use and get her to back off some. Really it comes down to love and how to love. Most will never have a clue they don’t have a clue.

No, everyone in his family is still married, with their allotment of two kids, evenly spaced (half of those with their two kids). I would mention the low divorce rate if I could stand to talk to her more than three minutes, but she’d argue that they’re all perfectly happy with birth control that worked as planned.

BTW if your using NFP now… does that mean your having relations outside of marriage?

No, just practicing the charting and such ahead of time

It is your fiance’s job to tell his mother to back off. He needs to set boundaries NOW. You two are adults, and she has no right to pry into or criticize your private decisions. (BTW, why or how does she even know this?! Why does your fiance’s mother know your intended birth control method? Why is she in your bedroom or bathroom to see you taking your temperature?! Seems there are really MAJOR boundary issues here…)

See, I’m the only Catholic the entire family knows, so apparently I am to be carefully studied and questioned. FBIL said something about someone he knows has six kids because they are Catholic and Catholic’s aren’t allowed to use ABC - that’s when FH happily shared that we are NOT required to have 27 kids, we just use NFP to respectfully determine our family size (reflexively defending a bit but also showing off at what he’d learned). So I was asked later what NFP was, I gave a two-second overview and when she saw me taking my temp, she knew. (And that - I was laying in bed still at 8am and the door was open, so she marched in). So no, I didn’t directly share our family planning but it ended up in the open anyway.

This weekend he got her alone and told her, far more diplomatically than I would have, that she had been asking questions and making comments that had made me uncomfortable and so from now on anything to do with sex is just completely off limits for her discussion. He was firm, but we both know that he’ll have to have similar discussions multiple times and she still probably won’t learn to mind her own business any time soon. (sigh)

Feedmysheep - thank you for sharing your story. I may end up with a similar one in a few years. He knows it too, and so it will be equally unpleasant for him as it will be for me.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I wish, I tried that. She followed me around the room until I went in the bathroom, closed the door, and started the shower water (as she was still talking through the door). See, he’s her baby boy and she’s concerned now that he’s a moron and being taken advantage of, so she has every right to ask! When she’s not around her entire family has conversations about how bossy and nosey she is.

That is RUDE and HARASSING behavior!!! STALKING you and yelling at you THROUGH A DOOR when you’re trying to SHOWER??? That’s BEYOND nosy!!! I would have YELLED IN HER FACE if someone had done that to me, ON TOP of what she said to you. I am just in SHOCK over how… I’ve run out of words to capitalize here! You CAN’T let her treat you like this! She has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT! NO ONE does! It doesn’t matter if it’s your own mother, running after you and insulting the way you are going to conduct YOUR PRIVATE SEX LIFE. Remember that phrase, it’s very important, let me break it down: Yours: as in, NOT HERS. Private: as in, NONE OF HER BUISNESS. Sex: an act that takes place between husband and wife, not husband, wife, and MIL. Life: in this case, it indicates your life, which you are going to share with your husband, not your MIL!, so she can butt out. Again: YOUR PRIVATE SEX LIFE.

I need to go calm down… Holy Moses, I cannot imagine putting up with that for even a second. I thought -I- was going to have to put my foot down with my future in-laws… Princess, your foot, AND your future hubby’s, needed to be down YESTERDAY. BOTH of them. :banghead:

ETA: I just read that you did speak to her, good, very good… I still need to go calm down… x.x

 

[gardenswithkids]

…She discovered that Catholics are not allowed to use birth control and despite my FH’s open admission that he’s happily learning about NFP she believes that I am forcing my cultish beliefs on him. We were visiting one weekend and she walked in on me taking my temperature. "I can’t believe you two are not going to use anything. That’s so irresponsible. I raised my son to use protection …

Talk about forcing beliefs on other people. Your future MIL is pretty gutsy bringing that up before you’re even married. I discovered (through my own MIL) that some rude people who used contraception think they can continue to plan their families extending down to the number of grandchildren.

Yes, that woman could be your children’s grandmother.
Genetics are a strange thing–you may end up with a child just like her. Are you sure you want to marry her son?

 

[SarahR]

OP–when she asked if you were “tested for STDs” you should have handed her a q-tip and asked if she would help you out. Sorry but that was just a w-e-i-r-d comment for a MIL to make!

 

[BamaRider]

She discovered that Catholics are not allowed to use birth control and despite my FH’s open admission that he’s happily learning about NFP she believes that I am forcing my cultish beliefs on him. We were visiting one weekend and she walked in on me taking my temperature. “I can’t believe you two are not going to use anything. That’s so irresponsible. I raised my son to use protection and use his brain, not to act stupidly and leave such important things to chance. If** he’s willing to not wear a rubber with you that makes me wonder how stupid he’s been in his past, since you were able to talk him out of it. Have you been tested for STDs??”**

After I picked up my jaw off of the floor, I told her I was not going to discuss it with her. Now if she had said “I don’t understand this NFP thing and why you can’t just go on the pill” then I would have been happy to explain and answer every question she could think up. However, since she essentially implied that I am a manipulative whore, I was too shocked to attempt a conversation that didn’t involve me clocking her between the eyes. Additionally, after replaying the incident about 20 times in my head hours later I remembered that my future BIL and SIL are on the pill and that is is not common for pill-users to utilize rubbers. I wonder, did they get accused of being infectious too for not wrapping up, or is it just me because I am so irresponsible?

Awesome. And I thought it was gonna be just another boring evening on CAF.

 

[Feedmysheep]

Awesome. And I thought it was gonna be just another boring evening on CAF.

BamaRider, thank you so much! After reading and posting to this thread, I was feeling that typical shame/guilt/anger/frustration spiral that always follows any sustained thought about my MIL.

Then came your post. You had me at “Awesome.”

 

[Donna_Mc]

I’m glad that your fiancee spoke to her and set some boundaries.
You poor thing, this woman is unreal! Following you into the
bathroom?!
You will both have to continue just to cut her off when she talks
about the subject, hopefully in time she will cut back or stop
altogether!! God bless you both!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh Wow! She’s a keeper!

I can promise you that at least one family gathering either before or after your marriage your NFP usage will be brought up in front of everyone.

You need to be prepared.

They will all stare at you. You will feel on the spot.

Your PC or DH or whatever he is at the time needs to have his lines ready.

Enthusiastically, he needs to say what a wonderful method it is. That you don’t have the horrible physical side effects and dangers from the pill and how he likes how natural it is (or will be) with no barriers or latex.

Then let everyone stare at their plates and the other women will secretly feel jealous because they’re feeling really fat on the pill and the men who use condoms or have to deal with wives not liking the pill will be thinking the alternative sounds better.

Seriously, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Once she’s done about this, it will be how soon you have kids. How closely spaced they are, whether you breastfeed or bottlefeed, their bedtime, their schooling… religious training…

It will always be something.

Nip it! Nip it!