Unwanted inappropriate MIL advice

[BlestOne]

Ahhh Princess, welcome to the world of Protestant in laws! I know not all are like that, but the outspoken ones sure make it interesting. My MIL had a hard time understanding me too. My ways are foreign to her. The first Christmas DH and I were dating (7 mos at the time) she bought us matching silk boxers, and a book on sexual positions! I was mortified! We took the boxers (I gave mine to dh since they were his size not mine anyway) and we left the book there for them (why would I need a book like that when I had 3 kids from a previous marriage?) Not to mention my kids were teens… no way was I going to have a book like that in my house that they would feel the need to read. DH and I were abstinent but she didn’t know that and we didn’t feel the need to enlighten her.

The hardest one in the family to deal with by far has been DH’s brother though… he still after 6 yrs of dating and 3 yrs of marriage has yet to call me by my name… he refers to me as “that Catholic woman” and addresses me by grunt… it really ticked me off when his dd (in her 20’s) started making Catholic remarks in front of my kids at a holiday dinner. I excused myself and the children and went into the other room and stayed there. DH came looking for me a little later and I told him I didn’t want my kids to hear that stuff. He agreed with me and thanked me for not storming out or telling her off. At dinnertime, dh and I went into where the “kids” table was set up and with my 3, his one, and his fundamental sisters’ kids (2) we invited SIL and her DH in to pray before the kids could eat… and when we went back to the adult table BIL and his dd didn’t say a word about us “Catholics” I guess there wasn’t much to say if his own sister and her DH were praying with us heathen Catholics.

It has been a long road of ups and downs the past couple of years with the in laws… but I think we are finally getting through. Last visit it was mentioned that I was the one who was there for BIL’s dd when she needed help studying (I finally talked her into college) and I was the one that sat down and talked to her when she found out she had to go to jail for 2 weeks…her own dad was unsupportive.

There is my IL story…

 

[PapaSquash]

When faced with intrusions like this, I sincerely apologize for creating any impression that her advice or concern was expected or sought, and I make sure that it is clear that I am truly sorry for diverting any of her energies from dealing with the very real and obvious problems in her own life.

Works every time.

I love my mom but I’m glad my folks live 1400 miles away. My wife is too.

 

[BlestOne]

When faced with intrusions like this, I sincerely apologize for creating any impression that her advice or concern was expected or sought, and I make sure that it is clear that I am truly sorry for diverting any of her energies from dealing with the very real and obvious problems in her own life.

Works every time.

I love my mom but I’m glad my folks live 1400 miles away. My wife is too.

ohhh you ARE good!!!

 

[Wyatt]

I thought of something else you might find useful to know. I have an aunt on my mother’s side who absolutely FREAKED out when she found out I became Catholic (she is Lutheran by the way), and I don’t have hardly anything to do with her anymore. I mean, when I have to be around her I am charitable, but there is nothing wrong with avoiding people who you know you will feel hateful towards (and thus sin) if you are around too much. I have an aunt on my dad’s side who is Baptist. The same thing goes with her. She has never confronted me directly about my conversion to Catholicism, just as my Lutheran aunt on my mom’s side hasn’t, but I know that she disapproves. I haven’t talked to her much since my coming home to Rome. Ultimately, Christ comes first. I chose to follow Christ despite the wishes of some in my family.

 

[Princess18]

Have you gone through your marriage prep already? There are issues in your fiance’s family of origin beyond just his mother.

Yes, we’re cleared for take off, we’re just waiting for the date (63 days left I think). We addressed his family setup in depth - but to be fair what she said isn’t completely true. Most of the time FIL doesn’t witness what she says or does so he doesn’t know to complain. He’s gone a lot. Honestly, if that arrangement works for them, that’s great. They are still very much in love after thirty years. It’s just a shame that it’s distorted the remainder of her personal interactions.

When faced with intrusions like this, I sincerely apologize for creating any impression that her advice or concern was expected or sought, and I make sure that it is clear that I am truly sorry for diverting any of her energies from dealing with the very real and obvious problems in her own life.

That’s good. I’d just have to take a deep breath and try not to say it too ugly. If I said it dead on with a look of concern (as if I’d troubled her) then it might actually work.

Thank you for your stories and your advice–

P.S. Someone posted earlier about detraction. I thought about that too, but none of you know her and the intent is to do good and improve the situation. I apologize if my post appears otherwise. Can’t tackle the beast unless you know what it is and how to deal with it … this is my only MIL and the first person to ever say anything negative about my faith. I don’t know what else to do that doesn’t involve telling what’s going on to somebody.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Princess…interesting thread, and so sorry you’re dealing with this issue.

Your humor is funny about it, though…!

I would add that while this might not be a popular piece of advice, I’ll give it anyways. I think as human beings, we are programmed to thinking we need to give a reply…whether charitable or not to someone who attacks us, or our faith, etc…

Why not just not reply? Just nod your head, not in agreement, but as though you are listening…and then change the subject. I have done this with a few ‘odd’ inlaws (my MIL is a saint though–couldn’t be blessed more!) who have said some strange things to me in the past…and I just smiled, looked at their face for a minute or two, and then…said something totally irrelevant. They apologized more often than not, when I would do that. I wasn’t looking for an apology, but truly…I don’t care what people say half the time…I also think your future husband needs to talk to her, too…it’s not really a good place to be in, fighting with your future MIL. LOL You know that, I’m sure.

Silence is golden. I also go silent when someone says something rude where I work…and then, they feel they have to keep talking to fill in the space. Eventually, they realize I’m not going to partake of the gossip, or whatever.

I wouldn’t misuse silence…or use it at all. But, sometimes, it’s more gracious to say nothing (like Christ did when He was being spat upon, and falsely accused by the Pharisees during His final hours on earth) than come up with some witty come back…or ‘it’s none of your business.’ Just a smile, and silence could be all you need to combat this from your MIL.

Good luck to you!!!

 

[Princess18]

Why not just not reply? Just nod your head, not in agreement, but as though you are listening…and then change the subject. I have done this with a few ‘odd’ inlaws (my MIL is a saint though–couldn’t be blessed more!) who have said some strange things to me in the past…and I just smiled, looked at their face for a minute or two, and then…said something totally irrelevant. They apologized more often than not, when I would do that. I wasn’t looking for an apology, but truly…I don’t care what people say half the time.

Ah, my inability to keep silent is DEFINITELY one of the crosses I bear. I’ll be lucky if I master that by the time I’m dead. But you are very right and I will certainly do my best to give it a real try.

Oh, you brought up another point - how lucky you are to have a great MIL. All yall that do better say lots of extra prayers of thanks! I was so worried about finding the right man that it never occurred to me that his mother might be a pistol. She hid it well for over a year … it must have been killing her! FH asks if she had acted like this when I first met her, or shortly after we got engaged if I would still be marrying him. That’s a horrible thought and I won’t even discuss that with him. I am so blessed with him, I could not have ordered a better one if he had come directly to me off the assembly line.

PS I’m glad you think I’m funny. :whacky:

 

[whatevergirl]

Ah, my inability to keep silent is DEFINITELY one of the crosses I bear. I’ll be lucky if I master that by the time I’m dead. But you are very right and I will certainly do my best to give it a real try.

Oh, you brought up another point - how lucky you are to have a great MIL. All yall that do better say lots of extra prayers of thanks! I was so worried about finding the right man that it never occurred to me that his mother might be a pistol. She hid it well for over a year … it must have been killing her! FH asks if she had acted like this when I first met her, or shortly after we got engaged if I would still be marrying him. That’s a horrible thought and I won’t even discuss that with him. I am so blessed with him, I could not have ordered a better one if he had come directly to me off the assembly line.

PS I’m glad you think I’m funny. :whacky:

The fact that your future husband turned out just fine, is a testament that he didn’t allow her bullying to get to him–which is great. I also think that it’s important to look at a relationship between a potential spouse and their family…in particular for ladies, to look at their future husbands’ relationship with their moms. As long as your husband is respectful, but knows when to stand his ground, that’s all any woman could hope for. I have already told my dd this–to make sure that the person you intend on marrying treats his mom with respect–often times, if a man treats his mom badly, then it’s a pretty sure thing that he won’t treat his wife well, either…but, I have seen exceptions.

Hope it all works out–

Maybe hang out in a library every day to get the hang of keeping silent…lol Practice makes perfect they say.

 

[newbetx]

And I can assure you that CAF did it’s part in preparing Princess for tollerance of her MIL. Funny how all this stuff works out sometimes.

I thought of something to suggest, Princess, and after my computer crashed twice while attempting the post, I figured God was telling me I was wrong. So I won’t suggest it here.

Peace to you and PC!

 

[newbetx]

Maybe hang out in a library every day to get the hang of keeping silent…lol Practice makes perfect they say.

Lollipops! One of our soccer coaches uses them to give to, let’s say, rabid parents. If things get rough on the sidelines out come the lollipops!

 

[whatevergirl]

Lollipops! One of our soccer coaches uses them to give to, let’s say, rabid parents. If things get rough on the sidelines out come the lollipops!

LOL! That’s great!

 

[BamaRider]

Originally Posted by whatevergirl
Why not just not reply? Just nod your head, not in agreement, but as though you are listening…and then change the subject. I have done this with a few ‘odd’ inlaws (my MIL is a saint though–couldn’t be blessed more!) who have said some strange things to me in the past…and I just smiled, looked at their face for a minute or two, and then…said something totally irrelevant. They apologized more often than not, when I would do that. I wasn’t looking for an apology, but truly…I don’t care what people say half the time.

Yeah prolly so, but not as much fun as gettin the last word in.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah prolly so, but not as much fun as gettin the last word in.

lol

 

[at_peace]

It is your fiance’s job to tell his mother to back off. He needs to set boundaries NOW. You two are adults, and she has no right to pry into or criticize your private decisions. (BTW, why or how does she even know this?! Why does your fiance’s mother know your intended birth control method? Why is she in your bedroom or bathroom to see you taking your temperature?! Seems there are really MAJOR boundary issues here…)

If he is not grown up enough to tell Mommy to back off, then he is not grown up enough to get married.

If you don’t believe me, read the threads on this board from the women who have been married for years and still have MILs barging into every realm of their marriages with no compunction.

As the wife of a man who has had to tell his Mom to back off several times, and has made it very clear which woman comes first in his life, I have to tell you… it is a thing of beauty for a wife to see her man defend his marriage against an encroaching mother. You deserve that.

I would not have married my husband had he not shown me beforehand that he could set boundaries with his mother. She crossed the line, and he pushed her firmly back. I knew he COULD and WOULD do it because I had watched him do it. So I had no fear of her being able to get between us, and I still don’t.

This post says it all. Your MIL sounds toxic and could be very destructive to your marriage if this is not nipped in the bud.

 

[Fitz]

Turn a deaf ear and always be Christian in your behavior towards her. I think her overbearing behavior is going to lead to future situations, but I have to think that you and your husband to be can manage things.

She will melt when you have children, her grandchildren I would assume. You could always move a safe distance away. I would think that if you did not have to go through this too often then you would be better off.

I am saying a prayer for your marriage, and for you mil heart to soften with age.

 

[tamccrackine]

My MIL is very similar and my DH acts like “Oh, you have to understand her… it’s just her age. She means no harm.” Well, dang it, she DOES do harm when she keeps telling me “MY son doesn’t want any more children so you need to do something about it.” While I will respect that she’s in her 90’s, I won’t respect the inappropriate comments that reflect her belief that she has a right to comment on our sex life and number of children we have.

I’d chalk it up to her being a Baptist, but my own mother who is a cradle Catholic believes we have too many children as well and has gone so far as telling me it’s our fault that all the other grandchildren won’t get “good gifts” for Christmas because they can’t afford it. I have told her to just pray for my children then and save themselves money and not send my children gifts if she wants to believe that.

And as of today, we only have four children.

I’m very glad your FH is willing to stand up to his mother. The next time she says something vitriolic like this… grab her hand and go “Come on… you sound like you want to talk, let’s go sit down and talk.” and march her right to your FH and tell him “Your mother has told me xyz and I believe WE need to have a talk about boundaries.” That way she sees how you and he work as a team and will not be crossed and how you’re not afraid of her.

My MIL never makes idiotic comments in front of my DH. It’s only when she and I are alone.

It’s a struggle having a mixed marriage but thankfully, we’re military, so we don’t have to live near his family! And I can tolerate the one visit a year (if even that).

 

[Akira79]

I also have a pain in the butt MIL. When my husband and I met and started dating, everything was fine. When we married is when she changed. She got worse when we started having kids. She would say I am punishing them wrong, feeding them the wrong things, putting them to bed the wrong way. You name it I was doing it wrong in her book. The thing that made my eye twitch was the “I am older than you, I am alot wiser.”. When my husband and I became Catholic she REALLY became evil! Our daughter was baptized as a baptist (As I put it, before we saw the light) but our son was baptized catholic. To this day she refuses to recognize it. She has gone as far as to tell him he isn’t saved! Luckily our little guy (He is 6, this was said to him when he was 5) looked up at her and said “I am too! AND by the ORIGINAL CHURCH!”. Yes, he listened to much to Daddy. She has told both children there are monsters at our church. Which both replied with a stern no there isn’t. When we saw there was going to be problems with her, we talked to the kids and made them ready for the oncoming comments. She tries to get my goat also with comments but I found it hurt her and got her madder when I didn’t reply or acknowledge her comment. My husband would say plenty for the both of us. She is also one of those that are set in her ways and won’t be changing. All I do is pray at each mass for her heart to change. Before anyone asks, yes she does blame me for her son becoming Catholic and yes he is and only child.

 

[JKS]

Princess,
I don’t think you’re committing detraction, though I can see how you might think I implied it after I reread my earlier post. Actually, if you need to vent, it’s probably best that you’re doing it with strangers, who don’t know your FMIL.

I do think that it would have been detraction for ME to have given an example; since I’m just not fazed by it much any more, it wouldn’t have served any purpose other than to get laughs at my MIL’s expense. And she has improved, I’ll give her that.

 

[at_peace]

I also have a pain in the butt MIL. When my husband and I met and started dating, everything was fine. When we married is when she changed. She got worse when we started having kids. She would say I am punishing them wrong, feeding them the wrong things, putting them to bed the wrong way. You name it I was doing it wrong in her book. The thing that made my eye twitch was the “I am older than you, I am alot wiser.”. When my husband and I became Catholic she REALLY became evil! Our daughter was baptized as a baptist (As I put it, before we saw the light) but our son was baptized catholic. To this day she refuses to recognize it. She has gone as far as to tell him he isn’t saved! Luckily our little guy (He is 6, this was said to him when he was 5) looked up at her and said “I am too! AND by the ORIGINAL CHURCH!”. Yes, he listened to much to Daddy. She has told both children there are monsters at our church. Which both replied with a stern no there isn’t. When we saw there was going to be problems with her, we talked to the kids and made them ready for the oncoming comments. She tries to get my goat also with comments but I found it hurt her and got her madder when I didn’t reply or acknowledge her comment. My husband would say plenty for the both of us. She is also one of those that are set in her ways and won’t be changing. All I do is pray at each mass for her heart to change. Before anyone asks, yes she does blame me for her son becoming Catholic and yes he is and only child.

I wouldn’t allow my children to be around a person who made such horribly derogatory comments such as this. This is disgusting, she sounds like a totally toxic person. Are there any positives to the relationship?

 

[whatevergirl]

I pray for all these MIL’s who have problems letting their sons go…and I pray that I’m a good MIL someday.

Unless my kids marry someone that is abusive, controlling, doing illegal activities, I pray that I will not feel the need to put my two cents in to their marriages. (although my dd said she wants her and her hubby to live with us in a BIG house someday, aw–she’s only 12, I told her…not sure your husband would like that, sweetie)