T
tinamn
Guest
I believe last I posted, my husband was in a 30-day (name removed by moderator)atient treatment program, and he was pretty adamant about returning to the house when he finished.
Through the process of the treatment, he agreed to go to a sober living situation; however, he of course didn’t follow through on that and came right home. He started his first day home by insisting that I live “as if” nothing had ever been wrong and be his wife “100%, the way the Bible calls you to.” We argued over that a lot because he felt that because alcoholism is a disease, I couldn’t be hurt/hold him responsible for anything he had done, and I felt a lot of pain around it all and thought he should be willing to give me time to work through things.
We were able to get into a counselor - I don’t believe she was a marriage counselor but we went to her twice before he called it quits. When we finally got to the root of things (that he was insisting our relationship be 100% restored right.NOW regardless of my pain/feelings) she made a comment to the effect of not rushing things because that can push people the opposite way, and some people heal from these things and others don’t. He didn’t want to hear that.
So he was home and sober for 4 weeks (so 8 total counting his time in treatment) before he had a few drinks at work because “They handed me a drink, I couldn’t say no.” That of course turned into “Well, I didn’t fall off the rails with that, so I can have a drink or two, here or there.” Which of course turned into binges.
Thanksgiving weekend proved too much for him (too much time at home, too much time with no work to do, too much time with my family) and he pretty much lost it. With the kids in the room, he threatened to blow his brains out if I couldn’t be his wife the way he wanted (read: sex, 2-3x a day ideally, plus all the lovey kiss/hug/cuddle/etc every time we were in the same vicinity), and then threatened to throw a coffee table across the room (where two of our children were sitting).
I had my parents pick up the kids, and tried to talk him down (because either that was a try at manipulating me or he really needed help). Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I should have left with the kids when my parents came. He continued along the same lines… threatening things, trying to “bargain” or negotiate his sobriety (if he got sex 3x a day, he wouldn’t have to drink, etc) and I was having none of that so I decided to leave.
I was able to get in the car, but he pulled the automatic window down (as I was trying to roll it up). I grabbed my phone to call 911 and he lunged through the open window to grab the phone. I had the car in reverse at this point so I slowly started backing up, and he got back out of the car, but then put his foot under the car and threatened to “get me for assault and you’ll never see the kids again” if I ran his foot over. My reaction was to laugh, not because it was funny but because of how ridiculous this was, and thank God… that made him back up and ask me if I’d just laughed at him. I immediately backed away and left.
Now… I fully realize how stupid this will sound, but he swore he was done drinking, he shouldn’t have said he was going to kill himself, etc so we went back. He was sober for a full 4 days before he started in again and drank himself into a stupor. In that time, he had to call in sick to work (brand new job), drove drunk to the airport and got on a plane to go to training, was refused alcohol at several liquor stores when he got there, was too drunk to figure out where he needed to be, etc etc etc.
I FINALLY took the advice of the pastor at my husband’s church and talked to a counselor that he highly recommended just this past Thursday. He helped me by not only confirming how I was feeling about all of this, but also showing me that many of the things that were going on were in fact emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse.
I went to the local woman’s advocacy group, they helped me to file a restraining order (I wasn’t sure if when he got back and found out that I was actually making changes if he would resort to using his guns, especially since he had threatened suicide before). I have since contacted an attorney officially (will be meeting with him tomorrow), started my own bank account (I only took 1/3 of the money, so hopefully I won’t get in legal trouble over that). The order gives me full custody of the children until the hearing (Thursday) at which time I am hoping and praying the judge will see the situation for what it is and continue the order (but with supervised visits at a neutral location, during which he would have to be sober).
I had originally thought I would file for separation, but I have been advised against that for a few reasons, not the least of which is right now, knowing the amount of time he would require just to have the affects of the alcohol on his brain reversed and to START thinking normally again, he’s going to need probably a minimum of a year. After that there are other things he would need to address - his manipulation, codependence, selfishness, etc before I would even consider trying to work things out with him and I don’t think he would consider that a separation is a long term thing.
So my “job” through all of this is to not let him (or his family) get to me to manipulate/convince me that I’m blowing things out of proportion, but also to not let myself second guess what I’m doing - and I have a great support system with family, friends and my counselor. I need to stay the course and hold my ground and remind myself I’m not taking these steps to change him, I’m taking these steps to keep myself and my children safe and healthy.
Through the process of the treatment, he agreed to go to a sober living situation; however, he of course didn’t follow through on that and came right home. He started his first day home by insisting that I live “as if” nothing had ever been wrong and be his wife “100%, the way the Bible calls you to.” We argued over that a lot because he felt that because alcoholism is a disease, I couldn’t be hurt/hold him responsible for anything he had done, and I felt a lot of pain around it all and thought he should be willing to give me time to work through things.
We were able to get into a counselor - I don’t believe she was a marriage counselor but we went to her twice before he called it quits. When we finally got to the root of things (that he was insisting our relationship be 100% restored right.NOW regardless of my pain/feelings) she made a comment to the effect of not rushing things because that can push people the opposite way, and some people heal from these things and others don’t. He didn’t want to hear that.
So he was home and sober for 4 weeks (so 8 total counting his time in treatment) before he had a few drinks at work because “They handed me a drink, I couldn’t say no.” That of course turned into “Well, I didn’t fall off the rails with that, so I can have a drink or two, here or there.” Which of course turned into binges.
Thanksgiving weekend proved too much for him (too much time at home, too much time with no work to do, too much time with my family) and he pretty much lost it. With the kids in the room, he threatened to blow his brains out if I couldn’t be his wife the way he wanted (read: sex, 2-3x a day ideally, plus all the lovey kiss/hug/cuddle/etc every time we were in the same vicinity), and then threatened to throw a coffee table across the room (where two of our children were sitting).
I had my parents pick up the kids, and tried to talk him down (because either that was a try at manipulating me or he really needed help). Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I should have left with the kids when my parents came. He continued along the same lines… threatening things, trying to “bargain” or negotiate his sobriety (if he got sex 3x a day, he wouldn’t have to drink, etc) and I was having none of that so I decided to leave.
I was able to get in the car, but he pulled the automatic window down (as I was trying to roll it up). I grabbed my phone to call 911 and he lunged through the open window to grab the phone. I had the car in reverse at this point so I slowly started backing up, and he got back out of the car, but then put his foot under the car and threatened to “get me for assault and you’ll never see the kids again” if I ran his foot over. My reaction was to laugh, not because it was funny but because of how ridiculous this was, and thank God… that made him back up and ask me if I’d just laughed at him. I immediately backed away and left.
Now… I fully realize how stupid this will sound, but he swore he was done drinking, he shouldn’t have said he was going to kill himself, etc so we went back. He was sober for a full 4 days before he started in again and drank himself into a stupor. In that time, he had to call in sick to work (brand new job), drove drunk to the airport and got on a plane to go to training, was refused alcohol at several liquor stores when he got there, was too drunk to figure out where he needed to be, etc etc etc.
I FINALLY took the advice of the pastor at my husband’s church and talked to a counselor that he highly recommended just this past Thursday. He helped me by not only confirming how I was feeling about all of this, but also showing me that many of the things that were going on were in fact emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse.
I went to the local woman’s advocacy group, they helped me to file a restraining order (I wasn’t sure if when he got back and found out that I was actually making changes if he would resort to using his guns, especially since he had threatened suicide before). I have since contacted an attorney officially (will be meeting with him tomorrow), started my own bank account (I only took 1/3 of the money, so hopefully I won’t get in legal trouble over that). The order gives me full custody of the children until the hearing (Thursday) at which time I am hoping and praying the judge will see the situation for what it is and continue the order (but with supervised visits at a neutral location, during which he would have to be sober).
I had originally thought I would file for separation, but I have been advised against that for a few reasons, not the least of which is right now, knowing the amount of time he would require just to have the affects of the alcohol on his brain reversed and to START thinking normally again, he’s going to need probably a minimum of a year. After that there are other things he would need to address - his manipulation, codependence, selfishness, etc before I would even consider trying to work things out with him and I don’t think he would consider that a separation is a long term thing.
So my “job” through all of this is to not let him (or his family) get to me to manipulate/convince me that I’m blowing things out of proportion, but also to not let myself second guess what I’m doing - and I have a great support system with family, friends and my counselor. I need to stay the course and hold my ground and remind myself I’m not taking these steps to change him, I’m taking these steps to keep myself and my children safe and healthy.
