Update on Brother-n-law getting married outside of Catholic Church

[grace68]

I asked my priest about me attending my brother-n-law’s wedding. He told me I should talk them privately about getting married outside of the Church. I decided I will buy them a card and type up a nice letter that is not judgemental, but lets them know the importance of a sacramental marriage and that I pray that they will decide to be married in the Catholic Church. I ask for prayers as I prepare to do this, that the Holy Spirit will give them the gift of understanding.

Has anyone had the experience of having to do something like this?

I also brought up my other brother-n-law who was asked to be godfather of our daughter that will be born in June. I am concerned because he is married outside of the Church and he and his wife would both need to seek an annulment to have their marriage convalidated, but they have not sought that. They also do not practice their faith. I am not being judgmental of them, but I want to do the right thing for my child. He said that the Church teaches that at least one godparent should be a practicing Catholic, and he said its not to say he can’t be a good uncle and bring my child to the zoo, but the role of godparent is someone who is practicing their faith. He is right. I want my child to have someone that I know will help them grow in the Faith. My issue is that my husband asked him already, and that is his brother. I know I need to bring this up to my husband first and I truely hope he understands.

I know both of these are tough situations, but Jesus suffered greatly for me. I do not want to be a coward and not stand up for my Faith. I ask for prayers from all of you that the Holy Spirit will lead me in the right direction in both of these situations.

Kerri

 

[Dorothy]

It sounds to me that you are handling those circumstances in a loving Christlike way. If any hard feelings follow it is not your fault. It may be a wake up call for them.

 

[grace68]

It sounds to me that you are handling those circumstances in a loving Christlike way. If any hard feelings follow it is not your fault. It may be a wake up call for them.

Thanks,

I typed something up, but I need to edit it. This is what I have so far. I want to make sure I am coming across in the right way, and I also don’t want to compromise my beliefs.
**
"I wanted to send this to you before your wedding. It is easier for me to type this in a letter than to personally talk to you about it. As a Catholic who also got married civilly, I wanted to let you know what a blessing having Kenny and I’s marriage blessed in the Catholic Church was. I ultimately know that the decision to get married in the Catholic Church is up to the both of you. I do not want this letter to come across as judgmental or as though I am condemning you, because I am not. As your sister-n-law, I love both of you and want what is best for both of you. I know that when Kenny and I got married, I would not have wanted anyone to give me their opinion on the way they wanted me to do it, so I do understand. But having been in the situation and looking back now, I am glad that Kenny and I ended up having our marriage blessed. It is now a sacrament, and you receive so many wonderful graces from this sacrament. I pray for both of you each day, and I do pray that you will decide to get married in the Catholic Church. "**

Let me know what you all think. I will also bring it to prayer, so that the Holy Spirit can guide me to write down the right words.

Kerri

 

[grace68]

I edited it to say this:

**But having been in the situation and looking back now, I should have been more patient and took the time to meet with priest along with Kenny to prepare for our wedding in the Catholic Church instead of marrying civilly first. I know I can’t take that back, and that our God is merciful. I am very grateful for that. I am glad that Kenny and I ended up having our marriage blessed. It is now a sacrament, and you receive so many wonderful graces from this sacrament. **

 

[Dorothy]

It sounds very well written to me.

 

[grace68]

It sounds very well written to me.

Thanks!

 

[Boy_Wonder]

Speak with him but then PLEASE go to the wedding. Other than stoking your own will, what good does it accomplish? None. But it does plenty of bad.

Why drive a wedge into your family and create a hurtful rupture which will take years to heal?

Why give the couple grounds for disliking Catholics and Catholicism?

 

[grace68]

Speak with him but then PLEASE go to the wedding. Other than stoking your own will, what good does it accomplish? None. But it does plenty of bad.

Why drive a wedge into your family and create a hurtful rupture which will take years to heal?

Why give the couple grounds for disliking Catholics and Catholicism?

I do plan to go to the wedding. The priest did not say that I should not go, but he did say I should talk to them.

Kerri

 

[grace68]

What do you mean stroke my own will? We are called to admonish the sinner. Of course it should never been done in a hurtful way, but I should not have to compromise my beliefs just because it may hurt someone’s feelings.

Kerri

 

[mountee]

Very difficult situation and I really respect the effort you are making in forming your approach. Matthew 18:15 describes what we should do with our brothers and sisters involved in grave matters. Once you have spoken with them you will have done your duty. There is only one thing I would urge you to do, an that is speak directly with them. Body language, eye contact, tone of voice and the opportunity to clarify miscommunications immediately will always be my preferred method of communication.

 

[BettyBoop416]

We are called to admonish the sinner.

Another way of saying, “stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.”

Perhaps not in your case, but many people use this as an excuse to butt into other’s business.

I’m glad you decided to attend the wedding, but my personal feeling is that your note, while charitable and written with the best of intentions, was not appropriate. Just out of curiosity, what was their reaction to your note?

 

[grace68]

I have not sent it yet.

So you feel it isn’t charitable? Do you think I should not address this at all?

 

[grace68]

Oh I see your saying its inappropriate. But would it be ok for me to go against the advice of my priest and not say anything?

 

[BettyBoop416]

I have not sent it yet.

So you feel it isn’t charitable? Do you think I should not address this at all?

As I said, I think your note was charitable and written with good intentions. I know you care about these people. However, in my opinion, the manner in which they choose to get married really isn’t any of your business.

 

[BettyBoop416]

But would it be ok for me to go against the advice of my priest and not say anything?

In my opinion, your priest gave you some bad advice.

 

[grace68]

Even though I don’t think you should mention this to the couple–they have their own beliefs and they are living by them–I do think your letter was very lovingly and sensitively written. And you are trying to look out for them in your way,

What I don’t understand, though, is why some “invalid” family weddings are okay to attend, and others are not. (as per past threads on this topic)

I thought either a wedding is valid, or it isn’t. Period.
And if it is not–and it is a Catholic/s having the wedding–one is not supposed to attend.
But it seems that some weddings are more invalid than others. Or something.

But as I said before, I do think you should attend…and have a wonderful time!!!

Thanks!

 

[grace68]

I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I feel my priest did give me good advice. I need to pray about this and let the Holy Spirit guide me to make the right decision.

Kerri

 

[Dorothy]

I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I feel my priest did give me good advice. I need to pray about this and let the Holy Spirit guide me to make the right decision.

Kerri

I just want to chime in again and mention that I agree with your priest. Your letter is charitable and shows a concern for them. Whether it bears fruit or not is up to them. You are a member of the mystical Body of Christ and so are they. It is a spiritual work of mercy to correct in love.

 

[grace68]

I just want to chime in again and mention that I agree with your priest. Your letter is charitable and shows a concern for them. Whether it bears fruit or not is up to them. You are a member of the mystical Body of Christ and so are they. It is a spiritual work of mercy to correct in love.

Thanks, Dorothy!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

OP, I think your note is really well written. If you have personally noticed positive changes in your marriage after having it blessed, you might want to change the phrase, “you receive so many wonderful graces…” to “Kenny and I have received so many wonderful graces from the sacrament.” Just a thought to make it more personal.

My only concern is that this is your brother IN LAW. Does that mean it is your dh’s brother? There is always a greater risk of incurring more wrath and less forgiveness, when the non-blood relative member of the couple does the talking. Can this come from your dh instead, or from the both of you?

We have written a note, but ours was to dh’s cousin in which we told her that our kids wouldn’t be able to be in her wedding (flower girl/ring bearer). We felt strongly that attending the wedding, and in particular, having our kids participate in it, was not a possibility for our situation. The letter was charitable, but since the relationship between us and dh’s cousin was negligible to begin with, there really wasn’t much reaction to measure. Dh’s mother was very angry with us, probably because she was afraid of it affecting her negatively or uncomfortably. Once it turned out that our decision didn’t get played out like a melodrama, and that we quietly and maturely shared our need to follow our conscience with the bride, rather than gossip about it and cause a scene, the people who were uncomfortable with our decision relaxed about it. A couple of years later, we had to have a conversation with dh’s sister when she chose to forgo a church wedding for no apparent reason. The interesting thing is that this second wedding issue did not cause any strife at all in the family, and even the bride and groom were not surprised or particularly upset at our decision. They have come to recognize that we don’t go with the flow, and as best I can tell, they respect our decisions.

So for us, it worked out over time. Hard to say how your note will be taken. As good as it is, it will still probably touch a soft spot in the couple. I think you are right to follow your priest’s advice and write the letter. Personally, I would also offer them a conversation - saying, “it is easy for me to say what I mean in writing than trying to get the words out in person and risk saying the wrong thing” is fine, but perhaps also saying, “I’d be happy to talk to you more about this in the future if you’d like - offer references, or help you get connected with a parish any time” might show them that you’re not just talking the talk, but that you’re willing to walk the walk.