Update on Brothers Wedding

[grumpygusguy]

I apologized to my brother and promised to make a better effort with his fiance and I will make good on that. Im not a groomsman though and I wont be. That was made more than clear and you guys were right neither of them wanted me up there.

But they havent picked ushers yet and they said that they would keep me in mind. But if they do make me an usher it will be a less important role. I will only be in photos as family, not in wedding party pics. And I wont get to help with any planning or anything. It seems like they are thinking about the role to save me any embarrassment not because they want me in it. Im fine with that and Im trying to not feel insulted.

I dont think I have a question this time but you guys were so helpful last time I just wanted to keep you updated. Any advice would be appreciated of course, but I dont know what advice I need.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Glad to see that things are looking up and being repaired. It will take some time, so go slow and don’t give up. When someone is joining a family and is constantly brushed off, rebuffed, and rejected by one particular member of it that can take some time to move on from. And your brother will also have to rebuild trust in you and take time to make sure that you are being genuine.

Don’t worry about your usher role not being very big. Every wedding is different. Sometimes the ushers are considered full wedding party members, but in others, like mine, they aren’t. Our ushers are getting boutonnieres that are different from the groomsmen, but they aren’t sitting at the wedding party table, going to the bachelor party, helping to plan, or being in wedding party pictures. They will also just wear whatever basic suit they already own. I just don’t have the time or money to add two full members to my wedding party, and our ushers know we love them, but they are seating our guests and keeping everything running smoothly as a huge favor to us, not for the recognition. That’s why we are taking them out for a steak dinner the week before. (Ok, I lied. I love one of our ushers, the other is an usher because we were kind of obligated to let him be. Long story, neither one of us wanted him, but we had to keep the peace. That also plays in to our decision to not give them the same visibility as our groomsmen and bridal attendants, and it might play in to your brother’s decision too. The usher who is a dear friend is very understanding and has been wonderful throughout everything.)

Edit: The dear friend usher will be at my bachelorette, although he won’t be part of the planning because I can’t put that on him, or anyone really, I’m planning my own. In fact, FH and I are just thinking about combining them because at this point almost all of our friends are mutual.

 

[bigflower]

I just read up on your other threads, so I think I’m up to speed.

My hope for you is that you are learning a big lesson that will stay with you forever.
One thing you can do to truly show them how much you love them is to take your lumps about not being a groomsman. And it looks like you are doing that. One of the best gifts you can give them is to spare them any stress on their wedding day. It’s a day filled with stress in almost every situation, so added stress makes it that much more difficult. Time will show them how much you’ve changed your ways.

From what you describe, your brother has been a good example of how a man should treat a woman, especially the woman he is to marry. You are probably not ready to be married at this point, and that’s fine. But when you are ready, you have a wonderful example right in front of you of how a husband should treat and protect his wife.