Update on us: I can never trust him again...ever!

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He lied about his addictions, that should be grounds for annulment although a priest can better advise you. My dh is currently in recovery from porn addiction and I have to have safe guards everywhere because the temptation is great. He has never been verbally abusive so have much more going on than just porn addiction which is a huge issue by itself. It is possible your husband has a personality disorder which in most cases are very difficult to treat. Thanks be to God you have not brought children into this marriage. I say this as someone who has an 18 year old daughter and have spent our marriage doing my dangest to make sure she never finds out about his porn problem. How much he would change in her eyes if she knew.Its so hard when filters blocked her from sites that were actually fine for her but had potential to be misused and she could not understand why we had to have these filters when she has never ever given me any reason not to trust her on the computer.
Add verbal abuse to the mix as in your case and whats a hundred times worse than your own suffering is seeing your children suffer because of the choices you made.
I absolutely believe in the sanctity of marriage, but in this case you are very wise to separate and seek counsel from a priest who may very well find there is no valid marriage there to begin with. My prayers are with you.
 
Unsungmelody said:
I could be wrong but if he hid an addiction from me that technically makes him unable to be faithful (porn is cheating) and controls his life, doesn’t that mean he wasn’t in the right mind to marry?
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Probably, I’m just saying that -we- can’t make that determination.
 
Powdered_Sugar said:
None of what she’s said is grounds for an annulment. An annulment means that a true marriage never actually took place due to some defect in its constitution. It may be true that there was some defect, and based on his addiction I’d personally argue that there was, but we have nothing on which to make a definitive statement.
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Without going back and looking, I think she said that he agreed to having children before they were married but now he doesn’t want any. That would make it invalid. Also Unsung he has no respect for you and I’m sure he never did. Sexual addictions are almost impossible to overcome unless you have a real good reason to work on it and it looks like you aren’t that reason. I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think he will change unless he has a conversion of heart. Praying for you. :signofcross:
 
Powdered_Sugar said:
Probably, I’m just saying that -we- can’t make that determination.
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Right… and an important point for annulment or divorce - pursue it early. It will be harder to explain why after 10 or more years one suddenly thinks the marriage was not valid.
 
All of your questions can be answered fully by your priest. Make an appointment.
 
thank you all for everything. I am going to set up an appointment with a priest as soon as I get the guts to talk to them. I’m honestly so nervous and afraid. I know what I must do…I know that I cannot live like this but I have to get the guts to act about it.

Please pray that I get the strength to do it! I’m so nervous and frightened.
 
I wish the person who lead our pre-marriage course earlier this year would read this thread!

She asked us to read out various statements that she’d left around the room on cards and then vote on whether they were ‘acceptable’ aspirations for married life or not. One of them said, “I think it is acceptable that I continue to use pornography once I am married to my wife”

Initially, we all shouted, “Noooo!” The course leader then said, “remember - there are no right and wrong answers…” and then a couple of guys changed their minds and said, “actually - I think it’s okay!” so she put it in the ‘undecided’ box on her silly chart (as opposed to the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ boxes)

I agree with most of the other posters, that a separation will allow you and him time to draw strength and consider what action to take next. Addicts can be very nasty people and admitting there is a problem and actually taking responsibility for the way his behaviour is undermining everything you believe about marriage and about yourself is going to be a massive challenge for your husband. I don’t think lecturing him, or directing him to websites is really going to cut it - that’s like offering a guy with a broken leg a sticking plaster! You’ve done all you can - time to give yourself some space and pray for him and for yourself. God bless you x
 
Unsungmelody said:
I could be wrong but if he hid an addiction from me that technically makes him unable to be faithful (porn is cheating) and controls his life, doesn’t that mean he wasn’t in the right mind to marry?
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That, plus he lied to you when he said he wanted children, then shut the door on that after the wedding. He doesn’t seem to have intended for it to be exclusive (due to the porn) or open to life. He engaged in deception to persuade you otherwise. If not deception, then there is evidence of an incapacity to live a sacramental marriage. The verbal abuse and neglect of his marriage debt to you is evidence that he didn’t intend a 100% loving relationship or was incapable of one. He wants a relationship on his terms and when he feels like it. You should talk to a priest. I don’t think you have a duty to accommodate his sins in your life anymore.

In my line of work (insurance claims) I sometimes deal with people engaging in deception to get what they want (money, access to narcotics). What you have described looks like deception. It might not be, but it shows significant signs. People are complicated. You might want to ask yourself, or him if you think he’ll be truthful, why he married you in the first place, and why he would tell you he wanted kids then go back on it.
 
Unsungmelody,

I’m praying for you and your spouse in this awful situation. I think it is a good idea to talk with a priest as soon as you can about your situation. Find out the information you need to know now, and not be surprised by it many years later. If the first priest is unhelpful, try another one, but I doubt that will happen.

I offer caution about trying to control his access to resources like the internet. With some people this will get ugly and dangerous very fast. Some people are profoundly irrational about what they want and will do anything to get it in the moment, including steal, lie, or cause bodily harm.

There are 12 step groups just for people with sex addiction, but don’t think it is some magic cure. Even if he chooses to go, there is no reason to think that must make him better. Try www.sa.org, for sexaholics anonymous to find meetings.

And finally, his sex addiction is not your fault and is not a reflection on you as a person, a wife, or a woman. :hug1:
 
Update to my prior post. There are some sex addict residential recovery programs out there.
 
I am talking to my husband tonight and hopefully I don’t chicken out. I’m so frightened and scared on what is going to be said. I am going to ask him what he did when I was at my parents and give him the opportunity to come clean. If he does not then I’m going to tell him what I saw. I’m going to ask him why he locked his phone and what he is trying to hide.

I realize he has a sickness but when he isn’t putting any effort into changing and I’m giving him every resource from different support groups to a 12 step program to finding a buddy to talk about it, and he just lies to my face saying he “doesn’t do it anymore”…to me that shows he doesn’t want to stop or doesn’t want to try.

I know it’s not my fault, I definitely know that but still the whole thought makes me feel less then human. I look back now to all the small little red flags that he said/did when we were dating/engaged and I feel like an idiot not realizing it.
I remember in our pre-cana class having the feeling of making a huge mistake and thinking that he’s not the one to marry. I ignored it but maybe that was God’s way of saying don’t do it. And if I had known he had a porn addiction I definitely would not have married him.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not but I refuse to put something on his computer to prevent him from doing it…not only does it solve nothing but would make him super angry. He’s never been physically abusive but he has a super hot tempter that is very short. His father also did physically and emotionally and verbally abuse his mom (I was just told of this recently) and cheated on her multiple times. I see his father in him especially the anger.

Please pray for me…I told him we need to talk tonight and I am beyond frightened. I’m basically having an anxiety attack right now.
 
Unsungmelody said:
I am talking to my husband tonight and hopefully I don’t chicken out. I’m so frightened and scared on what is going to be said. I am going to ask him what he did when I was at my parents and give him the opportunity to come clean. If he does not then I’m going to tell him what I saw. I’m going to ask him why he locked his phone and what he is trying to hide…

Please pray for me…I told him we need to talk tonight and I am beyond frightened. I’m basically having an anxiety attack right now.
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if you have proof he did something why not just plop it on the table so to speak and take it from there? I mean, do you have proof he engaged in these activities while you were away? Then I’d just cut to the chase and tell him so.

and easier said than done, I know.

and… from a practical standpoint - do you have a backup plan for yourself? can you stay with someone like your parents for longer? you might have to give him the ultimatum - you either take specific steps to fix this, or we are over and I am going to my parents until we make permanent arrangements - something like that.

all the best to you. Don’t chicken out you’ll be disappointed in yourself, and it will be the best thing you’ve done afterwards. And don’t fall for the sad eyes I’ll change I love you routine that you are bound to get. And if he gets angry and potentially violent, have your cell phone ready with 911. Don’t put up with BS.
 
Remember that God is there with you when you do this. He will never leave your side.
 
Unsungmelody said:
I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not but I refuse to put something on his computer to prevent him from doing it…not only does it solve nothing but would make him super angry.
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I agree that it would be unwise to do this without telling him, especiallyif you suspect he would get physically violent. I’m curious, though. How would this conversation go over:

You: I need you to stop looking at porn or do x,y,z to get help.
Him: I don’t look at porn anymore. I stopped.
You: Okay, then you won’t mind if I put this porn blocker on our computer, right?

What would he say?
 
henpecked said:
if you have proof he did something why not just plop it on the table so to speak and take it from there? I mean, do you have proof he engaged in these activities while you were away? Then I’d just cut to the chase and tell him so.

and easier said than done, I know.

and… from a practical standpoint - do you have a backup plan for yourself? can you stay with someone like your parents for longer? you might have to give him the ultimatum - you either take specific steps to fix this, or we are over and I am going to my parents until we make permanent arrangements - something like that.

all the best to you. Don’t chicken out you’ll be disappointed in yourself, and it will be the best thing you’ve done afterwards. And don’t fall for the sad eyes I’ll change I love you routine that you are bound to get. And if he gets angry and potentially violent, have your cell phone ready with 911. Don’t put up with BS.
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I do have proof. I deleted the cookies on his computer before I left and checked them when I came back. He went to two and by the sounds of it one was a “live camera” one which makes me even sicker.

I can always stay with my sister in law as though she’s his sister, we were friends far before him. If I stay with my parents, which I would be more than willing to, I would possibly loose my job. Ideally my boss would be understanding but who knows. I’ve given him an ultimatum just not that blunt. I told him that I could not emotionally give him another chance after this (this was like 3 weeks ago). I am not a blunt person…I can’t just say “do this or I leave” because I pride myself in being considerate. To me saying that I couldn’t give him another chance was hard enough.

I’m not going to fall for the tears, the “I didn’t mean to hurt you” **** because it’s not true. If he didn’t mean to hurt me he would have come out and said that he had a moment of failure right?

If I cannot stay with someone, is it wrong to just buy an air mattress and stay in the other room with door shut and locked? and Just kind of live like roommates? I cannot afford a hotel room, I have no friends within a reasonable driving distance from where I work (even my SIL would be 2 hour drive with traffic). Only relatives are his relatives and other than staying with my SIL, the others would be awkward.
 
nodito said:
I agree that it would be unwise to do this without telling him, especiallyif you suspect he would get physically violent. I’m curious, though. How would this conversation go over:

You: I need you to stop looking at porn or do x,y,z to get help.
Him: I don’t look at porn anymore. I stopped.
You: Okay, then you won’t mind if I put this porn blocker on our computer, right?

What would he say?
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I don’t know how it would go over, but I also know he isn’t just watching it on his laptop. He uses our iPad and his phone (I know he uses his phone a lot of it). So I can block one, but not all.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to do that…I’m not his mother or babysitter, I shouldn’t have to treat him that way. Maybe I’m wrong, but if he isn’t willing to change because how bad it is, and especially because it hurts me and our relationship, then he isn’t worth fighting over.
After 4 times, if he cannot stop after I come to him crying every single time telling him how much pain I"m in and he can see it, then I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him websites to find help on…I’ve told him that I"m in pain and how much I hurt…nothing works and I just end up more and more emotionally abused and hurt.
 
I would approach it as I want to help you get over this problem, but you need to want to stop. If he is an addict it is not necessarily about him coming clean. It is about him making an effort to stop. If he says he want to stop or is trying to stop, then you have something to work with. If he is defiant about it, then you should go stay with your parents for awhile. Either way you should still speak at length with a priest and get counseling either together or individually.

Prayers for the both of you.
 
Unsungmelody said:
If I cannot stay with someone, is it wrong to just buy an air mattress and stay in the other room with door shut and locked? and Just kind of live like roommates? I cannot afford a hotel room, I have no friends within a reasonable driving distance from where I work (even my SIL would be 2 hour drive with traffic). Only relatives are his relatives and other than staying with my SIL, the others would be awkward.
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tough one there, and I can relate. at $200 a pop during the week I can’t afford a hotel either. and I have no family in the area - so totally relate to that predicament.
 
whm said:
I would approach it as I want to help you get over this problem, but you need to want to stop. If he is an addict it is not necessarily about him coming clean. It is about him making an effort to stop. If he says he want to stop or is trying to stop, then you have something to work with. If he is defiant about it, then you should go stay with your parents for awhile. Either way you should still speak at length with a priest and get counseling either together or individually.

Prayers for the both of you.
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I’ve tried that approach by sending him support groups and 12 step programs and everything. He in turn lied right to my face saying he didn’t do it anymore, but he did the night before that.

I am going to call my local parish tomorrow to talk to a priest and will go to counseling once I can afford it. Unfortunately all that I’ve contacted are $100+ a session. I don’t have that type of money 😛
 
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