Upsetting Confession experience

[EstherTherese]

This morning, I had probably my worst confession experience yet.

I started my confession as normal, saying what was on the forefront of my mind. Though I have participated in this sacrament many times, I always get a little nervous. When I was trying to find a way to transition to different sins, I started talking about a bad habit I had. It wasn’t technically a sin, but I wanted to preface what I would say next. Without going into detail, I talked about how I tend to misunderstand God’s grace. I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven. This is something I know is wrong, and something I’ve said in confession before without an averse reaction from the priest.

The priest got a little louder, saying “Is this a joke to you?! You need to be serious. This is serious!”

I started tearing, saying that I was serious, that I was just trying to explain something.

He continued, “You need to have resolve!”
He continued for a bit, but I didn’t understand everything. He had an accent, but I wasn’t sure from where. The language barrier made him sound terse, probably without intent.

While I was trying to say I was serious and knew I was at fault, he started interrogating me.

“Do you pray every day?”
“Morning and night prayer?”
“Do you read Scripture?”

I said yes to all three; I’m scared of what he would have said if I said no to any of them.

I tried to gather myself, but hesitated to speak again. He told me some advice and a penance, then asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I was still trying to gather myself, until he retorted “Say it!”

I left crying, humiliated. I didn’t feel forgiven; I felt judged.

The priest probably has a point; perhaps I have a disordered approach to confession, but I wanted to be as honest with him as possible.

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

 

[StudentMI]

Sorry that happened. Even Pope Francis said that Confession wasn’t supposed to be a torturous experience but a joyous one. I think you’re justified in feeling upset. Sounds like Father was too harsh with you. I would suggest going to another parish for Confession.

 

[Faith1960]

Sorry that happened. Even Pope Francis said that Confession wasn’t supposed to be a torturous experience but a joyous one. I think you’re justified in feeling upset. Sounds like Father was too harsh with you. I would suggest going to another parish for Confession.

I was going to say the same thing. And find a regular confessor, after you find the one you like and feel comfortable with.

 

[Elizium23]

You have a right to visit a confessor who doesn’t make you feel terrible and frightened to go back. It doesn’t sound like you were doing anything wrong.

But consider for a moment: the priest acts in persona Christi. The Confessional is a tribunal, and you are being judged. Imagine how it might have been if you had died, and you were standing before Christ as your Judge. Would you be unnerved and upset? You would be defending your whole life, and Heaven or Hell would hang in the balance. Consider this experience just a little taste of future trials. Consider yourself blessed that you got through it. And don’t feel like you need to go back to that kind of priest again.

 

[EstherTherese]

Sorry that happened. Even Pope Francis said that Confession wasn’t supposed to be a torturous experience but a joyous one. I think you’re justified in feeling upset. Sounds like Father was too harsh with you. I would suggest going to another parish for Confession.

I’ll be honest… it might be a while before I go back to confession. Not sure if I can handle that kind of treatment while already in a vulnerable state.

 

[Billy112]

I’ll be honest… it might be a while before I go back to confession. Not sure if I can handle that kind of treatment while already in a vulnerable state.

This is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Find a different priest and pray for your confessor today, but please don’t neglect the Sacrament. You’re in my prayers.

 

[LongingSoul]

It sounds like whatever you said caused a defensive reaction in him and if he is also foreign there could be a cultural component to his reaction.

When you go to confession, that’s not the place to be examining your conscience though. Do that before confession and perhaps approach an authority about your concerns about your resolve. In confession you bring your sins to the Lord and are absolved. Sometimes Fr. will ask for clarification about a sin and give some advice but I would advise not to use the confessional to be self critical like that beyond expressing sorrow for the sins you have committed.

That would be upsetting but do try to let it go and get back on the horse so to speak.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

At the risk of being unpopular, I’m going to strongly suggest to you to keep going to that priest for confession and to pray for him and his vocation, that he remain strong.

In all honesty, that priest did what he ought to have done. My confessor does that same. He’s very tough sometimes and makes me cry from time to time, but I realize that he does it out of love as a father disciplines his children out of love for them. Sometimes, we need a good kick in the pants, especially when we keep falling back into the same old sins. We used to have another priest who was a lot more gentle to a fault. People used to only go to him because they knew he wouldn’t reprimand them. People used to ask me as I left the confessional who was in there. If it was Fr. ToughLove, people would get out of line. That priest was transferred so now only Fr. ToughLove remains. He’s from the FSSP, so no one will go to another priest if they can avoid it.

It’s our pride that gets us feeling judged (though, the priest does need to make judgements in confession, especially about purpose of amendment) and gives us hurt feelings. Admittedly, if you’re not used to it, or expecting it, it can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s for the betterment of our soul.

 

[Trident_H]

If you had problems understanding him he might have had the same trouble with you. Maybe he thought you said something completely different from what you actually said. I don’t want you to feel bad about this. I mean confession is hard enough as it is. Just think though that the priest must have been thinking something completely unrelated and just relax. You’re good doing what you’re doing.

Peace.

 

[Jelrak_TB]

If you had problems understanding him he might have had the same trouble with you. Maybe he thought you said something completely different from what you actually said. I don’t want you to feel bad about this. I mean confession is hard enough as it is. Just think though that the priest must have been thinking something completely unrelated and just relax. You’re good doing what you’re doing.

Peace.

I recall a story of a family member who once confessed in French (to a French priest) that she had lied, but the priest understood her to have claimed to have murdered someone. He burst out of the confessional and demanded an explanation…of an eight-year-old girl…? Fortunately most priests do not behave this way today…

 

[MaryHelp777]

I was at mass once and the priest said, “Not all priests are good confessors. Don’t go back to a priest who is a bad confessor thinking it will do you good. Find a good compassionate confessor and stick with them. But do not go to a priest who is not a good confessor.”

It’s an experience to learn from.

Do you know priests who forgive no matter what? And never judge? Stick with a few of those. I know 2 priests who never judge, even if it’s the same sin they hear every week, they know people are human, and are happy to see them confessing.

This morning, I had probably my worst confession experience yet.

I started my confession as normal, saying what was on the forefront of my mind. Though I have participated in this sacrament many times, I always get a little nervous. When I was trying to find a way to transition to different sins, I started talking about a bad habit I had. It wasn’t technically a sin, but I wanted to preface what I would say next. Without going into detail, I talked about how I tend to misunderstand God’s grace. I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven. This is something I know is wrong, and something I’ve said in confession before without an averse reaction from the priest.

The priest got a little louder, saying “Is this a joke to you?! You need to be serious. This is serious!”

I started tearing, saying that I was serious, that I was just trying to explain something.

He continued, “You need to have resolve!”
He continued for a bit, but I didn’t understand everything. He had an accent, but I wasn’t sure from where. The language barrier made him sound terse, probably without intent.

While I was trying to say I was serious and knew I was at fault, he started interrogating me.

“Do you pray every day?”
“Morning and night prayer?”
“Do you read Scripture?”

I said yes to all three; I’m scared of what he would have said if I said no to any of them.

I tried to gather myself, but hesitated to speak again. He told me some advice and a penance, then asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I was still trying to gather myself, until he retorted “Say it!”

I left crying, humiliated. I didn’t feel forgiven; I felt judged.

The priest probably has a point; perhaps I have a disordered approach to confession, but I wanted to be as honest with him as possible.

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

 

[Debbie_Keefe]

This morning, I had probably my worst confession experience yet.

I started my confession as normal, saying what was on the forefront of my mind. Though I have participated in this sacrament many times, I always get a little nervous. When I was trying to find a way to transition to different sins, I started talking about a bad habit I had. It wasn’t technically a sin, but I wanted to preface what I would say next. Without going into detail, I talked about how I tend to misunderstand God’s grace. I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven. This is something I know is wrong, and something I’ve said in confession before without an averse reaction from the priest.

The priest got a little louder, saying “Is this a joke to you?! You need to be serious. This is serious!”

I started tearing, saying that I was serious, that I was just trying to explain something.

He continued, “You need to have resolve!”
He continued for a bit, but I didn’t understand everything. He had an accent, but I wasn’t sure from where. The language barrier made him sound terse, probably without intent.

While I was trying to say I was serious and knew I was at fault, he started interrogating me.

“Do you pray every day?”
“Morning and night prayer?”
“Do you read Scripture?”

I said yes to all three; I’m scared of what he would have said if I said no to any of them.

I tried to gather myself, but hesitated to speak again. He told me some advice and a penance, then asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I was still trying to gather myself, until he retorted “Say it!”

I left crying, humiliated. I didn’t feel forgiven; I felt judged.

The priest probably has a point; perhaps I have a disordered approach to confession, but I wanted to be as honest with him as possible.

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I was at mass once and the priest said, “Not all priests are good confessors. Don’t go back to a priest who is a bad confessor thinking it will do you good. Find a good compassionate confessor and stick with them. But do not go to a priest who is not a good confessor.”

It’s an experience to learn from.

Do you know priests who forgive no matter what? And never judge? Stick with a few of those. I know 2 priests who never judge, even if it’s the same sin they hear every week, they know people are human, and are happy to see them confessing.

The priests at the church I attend say that they do not judge in confession. They say that they have heard it all and nothing surprises them.

 

[Debbie_Keefe]

The priest might have been thinking of the sin of presumption when you said,

I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven.

 

[Dorothy]

My suggestion is to ask our Blessed Mother through the Rosary meditations to help you find a confessor you feel okay with.

It is not a good idea to stay away from such a healing sacrament for a long time. Our Lady will help you.

 

[Elizium23]

The priests at the church I attend say that they do not judge in confession. They say that they have heard it all and nothing surprises them.

They are wrong, then. The Confessional is a tribunal, where sins are judged.

 

[Gertabelle]

Keep going to the sacrament!

If you stay away, you are only harming your own soul. Maybe you can use this experience to grow in strength in resisting temptation.

I went to confession last week with one of our priests – he’s from Nigeria, so I understand the accent barrier. He called me on my cr*p, let me tell you, and I left the confessional feeling worse than when I went in.

Thanks be to God! This priest’s counsel, his toughness, helped me achieve true remorse for my sins! Do you have any idea what a grace it is to feel true remorse for one’s sins? I thought I had remorse, but in all honesty, I just “felt bad” about my sins. Here’s hoping he’ll be in the confessional when I go before work tomorrow, but our priests don’t usually do two weeks in a row for the morning confessions.

I’ll be praying for you! God loves us so much that He gave us a means to have a clean slate and start over. Keep trying and keep going to confession!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

Yes you are justified in feeling upset. Do NOT use this incident to leave the church like your friends did. Right now, it is upsetting, but in 10 years from now, you could be the example all your friends need of going to church to seek God, not bad confessors

 

[pianistclare]

Keep going to the sacrament!

If you stay away, you are only harming your own soul. Maybe you can use this experience to grow in strength in resisting temptation.

I went to confession last week with one of our priests – he’s from Nigeria, so I understand the accent barrier. He called me on my cr*p, let me tell you, and I left the confessional feeling worse than when I went in.

Thanks be to God! This priest’s counsel, his toughness, helped me achieve true remorse for my sins! Do you have any idea what a grace it is to feel true remorse for one’s sins? I thought I had remorse, but in all honesty, I just “felt bad” about my sins. Here’s hoping he’ll be in the confessional when I go before work tomorrow, but our priests don’t usually do two weeks in a row for the morning confessions.

I’ll be praying for you! God loves us so much that He gave us a means to have a clean slate and start over. Keep trying and keep going to confession!

THIS. The fact that he made you REALIZE the seriousness of the situation was a gift.
Accept it. Embrace it. And continue to g to confession, learning from this.
It’s not necessary to leave walking on air. Sometimes we do, but sometimes, like a good parent, we get “schooled”.
Some confessors are better at smoothing over the message, but honestly, the message, the admonishment, and the resolve to change is the point. God loves us.
Learn, pray, and move forward, avoiding the tendency to take absolution lightly.
God bless you, OP.

 

[seagal]

They are wrong, then. The Confessional is a tribunal, where sins are judged.

You have the wrong idea about confession. Sins are not judged, only the contrition of the confessor. The priest has to judge whether or not the confessor is really repentant before he can absolve him/her. God alone judges our sins, and that doesn’t mean the priest in persona Christi.