Upsetting Confession experience

[Mary_Ellen]

The priests at the church I attend say that they do not judge in confession. They say that they have heard it all and nothing surprises them.

Not all priest have not “heard it all,” this is a myth. I have certainly surprised at least one priest in confession-this I know. They all have the gifts that come with ordination, however, and are usually well trained to handle whatever comes with aplomb.

As far a judgment is concerned, they must pass judgement as they make a decision about whether or not to grant absolution to the penitent. If they blindly grant absolution to one and all, no matter if contrition or some sort of purpose of amendment has been expressed, they are not doing their jobs.

To the OP, EstherTherese,

It does sound like you were expressing the sin of presumption without actually confessing it and that may have upset the priest. Nevertheless, he shouldn’t have gone off on you like he did. Gentle firmness is the best way to go in the confessional if correction is needed. You may or may not want to go back to him again.

I, too, had a horrible experience in Confession once, with a retired priest. I still went back a couple weeks later. In my parish you never know who the priest will be hearing Confession each week so I just took my chances. My next experience was just fine and it was actually a couple years before I was in the confessional with the retired priest again - and that time he didn’t act unreasonable.

The point of my story is to encourage you to go back to Confession, and soon. The Lord is waiting for you there, ready to shower you with His Mercy. He loves you so much. Please don’t let this unfortunate experience create a barrier between you and this lovely Sacrament.

Be at peace.

 

[AKDee]

On the two occasions where a priest was a bit harsh with me, in retrospect I was able to look back and think, “That was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.” Is that what you’ll feel? I can’t say. But give it the benefit of the doubt. Is God kind and loving? Yes. Does God sometimes get angry? (Righteous anger)? Yes. And the priest is acting in the person of Christ in the confessional. So just because the priest was harsh does not mean that he was wrong. Maybe he was. But maybe the Holy Spirit was guiding him to see a defect in your confession - perhaps you need to hate your sin more, perhaps you need to try harder to not do the same sins over and over. And maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe he’s that kind of priest. Have you confessed to him before and was he like that then? If not, perhaps there was a reason for what he said, and I would accept that with humility and pray on it and ask the Lord to use that experience to help you grow in humility and grow in the faith. I had a priest once that I did face-to-face confessions with and so he knew me. And he knew I was confessing repeatedly - as in, weekly- the exact same sins. And he came down on me and said that I needed to try harder. And he was right.

 

[Elizium23]

You have the wrong idea about confession. Sins are not judged, only the contrition of the confessor. The priest has to judge whether or not the confessor is really repentant before he can absolve him/her. God alone judges our sins, and that doesn’t mean the priest in persona Christi.

Sins are indeed judged! Why do you think we always advise people to ask their confessor whether they committed a mortal/venial/none-at-all sin?

The other day, I confessed something and my confessor stopped me, and counseled me that it was not necessarily a sin at all. Are you saying he was wrong to judge my conscience?

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

I’ve heard that Padre Pio used to get very angry and chase away people who came for confession, and he was able to tell they were not truly sorry.

 

[AKDee]

I’ve heard that Padre Pio used to get very angry and chase away people who came for confession, and he was able to tell they were not truly sorry.

Exactly. St. Pio said that our Lady stood in the confessional with him and would tell him things. People who confessed to him said he knew things he couldn’t possibly have known and would draw from them confessions on things they had forgotten or things they had intentionally planned to hide. He knew if someone was unrepentant and would decline to absolve them until they were.

 

[Blue_Goose]

I am hard of hearing. Whenever possible I prefer face to face confessions, no matter where I go to confession or who the priest is. This method promotes honest dialogue and I prefer it. If a priest believes he needs to be tough on me so be it. I can accept that.

Peace.

 

[mek42]

Would it be helpful to speak with a priest regarding presumption? That way you’ll know how close you may or may not be to presumption and you may be able to find better words for future Confessions. It sounds like you may occaisionally suffer a temptation to presumption at the same time as some other temptations.

 

[Kateri92]

This morning, I had probably my worst confession experience yet.

I started my confession as normal, saying what was on the forefront of my mind. Though I have participated in this sacrament many times, I always get a little nervous. When I was trying to find a way to transition to different sins, I started talking about a bad habit I had. It wasn’t technically a sin, but I wanted to preface what I would say next. Without going into detail, I talked about how I tend to misunderstand God’s grace. I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven. This is something I know is wrong, and something I’ve said in confession before without an averse reaction from the priest.

The priest got a little louder, saying “Is this a joke to you?! You need to be serious. This is serious!”

I started tearing, saying that I was serious, that I was just trying to explain something.

He continued, “You need to have resolve!”
He continued for a bit, but I didn’t understand everything. He had an accent, but I wasn’t sure from where. The language barrier made him sound terse, probably without intent.

While I was trying to say I was serious and knew I was at fault, he started interrogating me.

“Do you pray every day?”
“Morning and night prayer?”
“Do you read Scripture?”

I said yes to all three; I’m scared of what he would have said if I said no to any of them.

I tried to gather myself, but hesitated to speak again. He told me some advice and a penance, then asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I was still trying to gather myself, until he retorted “Say it!”

I left crying, humiliated. I didn’t feel forgiven; I felt judged.

The priest probably has a point; perhaps I have a disordered approach to confession, but I wanted to be as honest with him as possible.

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

You are completely justified. That was an awful thing you went through. Go to another priest and make sure you are comfortable with him. I would pray for that priest if I were you. He is having issues. Just go to a different priest. It will be okay.

 

[EstherTherese]

At the risk of being unpopular, I’m going to strongly suggest to you to keep going to that priest for confession and to pray for him and his vocation, that he remain strong.

In all honesty, that priest did what he ought to have done. My confessor does that same. He’s very tough sometimes and makes me cry from time to time, but I realize that he does it out of love as a father disciplines his children out of love for them. Sometimes, we need a good kick in the pants, especially when we keep falling back into the same old sins. We used to have another priest who was a lot more gentle to a fault. People used to only go to him because they knew he wouldn’t reprimand them. People used to ask me as I left the confessional who was in there. If it was Fr. ToughLove, people would get out of line. That priest was transferred so now only Fr. ToughLove remains. He’s from the FSSP, so no one will go to another priest if they can avoid it.

It’s our pride that gets us feeling judged (though, the priest does need to make judgements in confession, especially about purpose of amendment) and gives us hurt feelings. Admittedly, if you’re not used to it, or expecting it, it can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s for the betterment of our soul.

Is it really for the betterment of my soul?

I’m sorry, but I just have a really hard time with tough love discipline.

I was very, very scrupulous for much of my life. A good amount of my childhood, teens, and even recent years was spent consumed with the fright of moral error. I grew up with strict parents, who lectured with religious rhetoric whenever I did something wrong.
More than one confessor has told me that I am to hard on myself and that I needed to trust in God’s mercy.

Is “tough love” for my own good, or for the satisfaction of the person who condemns? I have had catechists in early childhood remind the class about the severity of sin. This didn’t make me a more prudent disciple; this made me obsessed with avoiding hell. It’s like the elders in our community discouraged lessons about self-worth and our value in God’s love, since that would make us too soft and lazy. Struggling with low self-esteem and depression throughout my life, I internalized tough love as justification for my sense of worthlessness.

Thankfully, i was able to find help for my emotional issues from a a confessor who suggested that I see counseling. This priest didn’t say that I should be more grateful and get over it, which is the sentiment I get from those who practice tough love. Right now I am re-learning how to be an adult. How to value myself and accept that I am a human who makes mistakes, instead of fearing sin all the time.

I am not saying that tough love shouldn’t occur at all. There have definitely been times where friends or leaders in my community have stern conversations with me when I do something unacceptable. I’m defensive at first, but eventually my short-sightedness comes trough.

When I have moments like this recent confession, I can feel the same learned helplessness come over me. And I feel like the neurotic, scrupulous 12-year-old that I used to be.

Apologies for rambling a bit, but I wanted to convey the complexities of having relationships with priests who use harsh words as a means to serve the congregation.

 

[Joy2day]

Its a delicate matter I think. Most adults make their own decisions based on their opinions, not as a reaction to avoiding punishment. I go to mass, not necause some person will yell at me if I dont, but bevause I choose to; & I.choose to because God calls me there.
St Pio had certain spiritual gifts, so when he acted, it was really under the influence of a special gift from God, which would have a more powerful effect on the right person.
If someone struggles with a sin, its probably cause they dont really think its such a big deal. If someone committed a crime, its understandable the priest might be a bit stern (maybe).
I think, as in all things, that one doesnt know anything until.God tells you, so I think the best option is to go & see Christ in the confessional, & pray for the grace to overcome any obstacles that are keeping you apart from Him. Some sort of scolding from a person wont really effect anything if God hasnt explained it to you.
Of course do your best to.appreciate what the priest is sauing, since Christ has chosen him to be a confessor for Him. Ask Our Lord what He wants you to know.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

Is “tough love” for my own good, or for the satisfaction of the person who condemns?

Probably some of each:

Rom 8:28
We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

I have had catechists in early childhood remind the class about the severity of sin. This didn’t make me a more prudent disciple; this made me obsessed with avoiding hell. It’s like the elders in our community discouraged lessons about self-worth and our value in God’s love, since that would make us too soft and lazy. Struggling with low self-esteem and depression throughout my life, I internalized tough love as justification for my sense of worthlessness.

That is completely understandable, and exactly why I am so busy trying to help people undo this kind of damage. If I have no desire to do what is wrong, and wish to do what is good, no amount of threats is going to help – especially if those threats are all imaginary threats after I die rather than somebody hurting my physically right now. Just explain what I’m doing wrong, why it’s wrong if I can’t tell, and what I should be doing. Hurting me or threatening just makes me distrustful if not resentful, and want to escape.

If I’m not doing something right, then tell me. But for some reason it seems like I’ve had too many teachers and guides who seem to think at any given moment I would do something wrong unless scared out of it.

THIS is what Jesus came to save us from – having to worry about whether we can “behave” our way into heaven, because we can’t.

For the record, I believe in being straightforward and honest, but it doesn’t have to be controlling, manipulative, argumentative, punitive, or in this case, accusatory. OK maybe sometimes punitive a bit, but not the other things. It seems the word “tough love” was designed to excuse and even all those modes of behavior, but I have another name for that: “tough luck.”

Kind of like another “parenting buzzword” that was around for a while: “logical consequences” – when in fact they are usually “artificial” consequences. Logical consequences is when you get what you get, having caused your own problem. Not when somebody creates a new way to punish a person that is somehow “related” to the transgression – that is “imposed” consequences, and may have no logic involved at all.

 

[StudentMI]

I’ve heard that Padre Pio used to get very angry and chase away people who came for confession, and he was able to tell they were not truly sorry.

Padre Pio is Padre Pio. If the priest who heard Esther’s Confession has the same gift as Padre Pio someone should call the bishop to prove his gifts.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

I might suggest some planning/prep the day before confession. Do a good examen of conscience at home, write down what you want to confess (just a list of sins, kind , and number). Maybe being a bit more prepared and to the point may help the process. If you are looking for spiritual direction/conversation I would suggest making an appointment to meet with the priest outside of confession— but when you go, please also be orepared with the question(s) you want to ask.

 

[EstherTherese]

Padre Pio is Padre Pio. If the priest who heard Esther’s Confession has the same gift as Padre Pio someone should call the bishop to prove his gifts.

swish

 

[seagal]

Sins are indeed judged! Why do you think we always advise people to ask their confessor whether they committed a mortal/venial/none-at-all sin?

To me, sitting in judgement of our sins is solely the prerogative of God alone and happens at our death. What you described as judging I would call evaluating, simply to determine the type of sin.

The other day, I confessed something and my confessor stopped me, and counseled me that it was not necessarily a sin at all. Are you saying he was wrong to judge my conscience?

No, I would say he rightfully evaluated your actions as non-sinful.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

swish

 

[JimR-OCDS]

I’ve heard that Padre Pio used to get very angry and chase away people who came for confession, and he was able to tell they were not truly sorry.

There was only one account of a person who had gone to Padre Pio for confession, but withheld confessing a particular sin. I believe it was the affair he was having with a woman who was not his wife. Padre Pio knew he was not confessing all of his sins, and asked him three times if there was a sin that the man was not confessing and the man said no. It was at that point Padre Pio became angry with the man and refused to give him absolution. A day later, the man returned fully repentant and was given absolution. That man gave witness to this account.

To the OP, the priest should not have treated you such.

I have been treated in a similar way by a priest, but it wasn’t because this priest was trying to help me, but because he was just an angry priest who resented that he had given his life to the priesthood. How do I know ? Because he had the gall to tell people in his homily.

He was from a generation where young men from families was pressured into the seminary at high-school age. Some of these guys made it through to becoming priest and were very bitter.

Not saying this is the case with your confessor, but he should not have lacked compassion hearing your confession. He’s a sinner too.

Anyway, as St Teresa of Avila wrote, “seek out a good confessor, and when you find him, hang on to him for dear life.”

Find another priest to go to.

Jim

 

[Abba]

This morning, I had probably my worst confession experience yet.

I started my confession as normal, saying what was on the forefront of my mind. Though I have participated in this sacrament many times, I always get a little nervous. When I was trying to find a way to transition to different sins, I started talking about a bad habit I had. It wasn’t technically a sin, but I wanted to preface what I would say next. Without going into detail, I talked about how I tend to misunderstand God’s grace. I’ll sin or do something wrong without much resolve to change as much as I should because I know I’ll be forgiven. This is something I know is wrong, and something I’ve said in confession before without an averse reaction from the priest.

The priest got a little louder, saying “Is this a joke to you?! You need to be serious. This is serious!”

Do you have a problem because he is foreign? It sounds as though he made his points very clear.

I started tearing, saying that I was serious, that I was just trying to explain something.

He continued, “You need to have resolve!”
He continued for a bit, but I didn’t understand everything. He had an accent, but I wasn’t sure from where. The language barrier made him sound terse, probably without intent.

While I was trying to say I was serious and knew I was at fault, he started interrogating me.

“Do you pray every day?”
“Morning and night prayer?”
“Do you read Scripture?”

I said yes to all three; I’m scared of what he would have said if I said no to any of them.

I tried to gather myself, but hesitated to speak again. He told me some advice and a penance, then asked me to say an Act of Contrition. I was still trying to gather myself, until he retorted “Say it!”

I left crying, humiliated. I didn’t feel forgiven; I felt judged.

The priest probably has a point; perhaps I have a disordered approach to confession, but I wanted to be as honest with him as possible.

I’m having a very hard time recovering from this. Am I justified for feeling upset?
Many of my friends and peers have abandoned the faith (we are all in our early to mid-twenties), so this incident made me feel even more alone. I’m trying to fight the thoughts of doubt that they express about the Church.

It’s not my place to judge what a priest told you in the sacrament of confession. I understand a priest would be hard pressed to go against a priest’s statement during confession. I remember once hearing a monsignor who was consulted regarding the statement of another priest that was not in accordance with the rules and regulations that he was not going to go against what another priest said so to regularize it. If a Monsignor would not go against a priest, this should tell you something. My advice would be to respect what happened at the confessional and try to learn from it and apply it.

What I will say to you is that that’s between you and God. Our Lord Jesus is present at the sacrament of confession and confession is serious and it is not a joke and you should have resolve. This clarification need not be labeled as tough love - it is what it is.

I think you may benefit from some quiet time to confront and listen to what the priest told you and see how you can learn and grow from it.

You said that you answered yes to the three question and felt scared about what he would have said if you said no; were you honest? One of the last places I would like to lie is during the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It is serious.

No, a priest is not there to judge you but to forgive if you are repentant.

Well, it sounds like it was high time you got an averse reaction from a priest and you got it.

I think he sounds like a great confessor. He listened to you and honed in on the problem and responded for your benefit not his. I would stick with him.

It’s not about making you feel good but about forgiving your sins and all the benefits that comes with it.

Why would being set straight at the confession raise thoughts of doubts about the Church? What doubts about what? You want to put things in the correct place and not mix things all together if possible. Why do you feel alone and do you mean as a Catholic in the Church? Maybe you can consider making friends who do share your faith.

My youngest sister left the Church because supposedly there isn’t good socializing and there is in the evangelical. The parishes are not social centers and the confessionals are not psychology booths.

I think you have a lot to look into which will help you at the confessional. Try to do the things the priests asked you. Listen and consider very carefully all his comments and try to learn from them. Personally, I would go back to confess with that priest - he sounds like a very good confessor.

Keep in mind that a priest is not there to play nice, his main concern is the eternal salvation of your soul.

Peace.

+++

 

[Faith1960]

Its a delicate matter I think. Most adults make their own decisions based on their opinions, not as a reaction to avoiding punishment. I go to mass, not necause some person will yell at me if I dont, but bevause I choose to; & I.choose to because God calls me there.
St Pio had certain spiritual gifts, so when he acted, it was really under the influence of a special gift from God, which would have a more powerful effect on the right person.
If someone struggles with a sin, its probably cause they dont really think its such a big deal. If someone committed a crime, its understandable the priest might be a bit stern (maybe).
I think, as in all things, that one doesnt know anything until.God tells you, so I think the best option is to go & see Christ in the confessional, & pray for the grace to overcome any obstacles that are keeping you apart from Him. Some sort of scolding from a person wont really effect anything if God hasnt explained it to you.
Of course do your best to.appreciate what the priest is sauing, since Christ has chosen him to be a confessor for Him. Ask Our Lord what He wants you to know.

If people confess and truly are repentant and don’t commit those sins anymore, what’s the point of going to confession? I mean, if people are truly repentant and they don’t sin…what’s their reason for going to confession? I’d think if one was truly sorry and wanted to not repeat their sins, they wouldn’t, or at least not as frequently as some people go to confession.

 

[seagal]

If people confess and truly are repentant*** and don’t commit those sins anymore***, what’s the point of going to confession? I mean, if people are truly repentant and they don’t sin…what’s their reason for going to confession? I’d think if one was truly sorry and wanted to not repeat their sins, they wouldn’t, or at least not as frequently as some people go to confession.

Well that’s a pretty big IF right there. Bottom line is, we’re all fallible. Even if we never commit a particular sin again there’s plenty of other ways we can fall into sin. If the Pope feels the need to go to confession once a week, how can I think myself less in need of it?