Urgent Sterilization/Mortal Sin Question

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Daddyof4

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My wife and I are in a terrible situation. Let me start by saying that we are married in the Church and have 4 children. Each time my wife gets pregnant, she suffers from a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). Basically this condition constantly leaves her severely dehydrated and nauseous. She vomits several times a day, is unable to hold anything down to keep her and the baby nurished. We almost lost our second child in utero due to complications from this, and the symptoms have gotten worse with each pregnancy. The last one was so bad that she was bedridden and confined with IV/PIC lines and in home nursing care. She developed life threatening blood clots which put her life and our baby’s life in serious danger. Her doctor told her that any subsequent surgeries from now on would be extremely risky for her. She’s delivered all of the babies by c-section. Natural childbirth has never been an option for her.

With our last baby, my wife’s water broke almost 3 months early. The doctors were able to keep the birth from happening, but my wife was in the hospital for another 6 weeks. The baby was born prematurely at 32 weeks and spent 2 weeks in the NICU with underdeveloped lungs and a very weak immune system. She’s better now (almost a year old), but still has her own health problems.

The bottom line with all this background is that there’s a good chance my wife and unborn baby could die if she gets pregnant again. NFP has not been an option because my wife has always had very irregular cycles. At this point she is not willing to try any form of hormone therapy or NFP method. She is terrified of becoming pregnant again.

Another side effect from her condition is that I lost my job to stay home and care for her. I lost my income and all medical benefits. I had to access my life/retirement savings to cover medical and living expenses. Our children (aged 3, 6, and 13 at the time) also basically lost their mother during all of this. It was very traumatic for everyone.

My wife is demanding that I get a vasectomy. I mentioned to her that maybe we’re called to be abstinent, but she will not live her life in a sexless marriage. She said that she will divorce me if I do not comply. I am horrified to even consider this, as I know it is a grave sin, but the alternative is to allow my home to be broken and to damage my children because of it. I coudln’t bear to hurt them. I also love my wife and want to stay married to her. I took a vow to her in front of God and I’ve always intended to follow through with it until death. I truly believe in the teachings of the Church and I feel tremendous anxiety and guilt because of this. I’ve consulted priests and even the National Catholic Bioethics Center. The Bioethics Center told me that there is never a reason to justify sterilization - even my reason. I was told to abstain.

I know the Church teaching - but I guess my question is this: “Will I be in everlasting mortal sin if I go through with this?” Is this even a mortal sin? Based on the guidelines for mortal sin, I have to consent and/or want to do it. I DO NOT want to do this but feel forced or my family will be destroyed. I also want to keep my wife safe. I could never bear to lose her.

I know this is a lot of info, but as you can see I am in great pain over this.
 
Daddyof4 said:
My wife and I are in a terrible situation. Let me start by saying that we are married in the Church and have 4 children. Each time my wife gets pregnant, she suffers from a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). Basically this condition constantly leaves her severely dehydrated and nauseous. She vomits several times a day, is unable to hold anything down to keep her and the baby nurished. We almost lost our second child in utero due to complications from this, and the symptoms have gotten worse with each pregnancy. The last one was so bad that she was bedridden and confined with IV/PIC lines and in home nursing care. She developed life threatening blood clots which put her life and our baby’s life in serious danger. Her doctor told her that any subsequent surgeries from now on would be extremely risky for her. She’s delivered all of the babies by c-section. Natural childbirth has never been an option for her.

With our last baby, my wife’s water broke almost 3 months early. The doctors were able to keep the birth from happening, but my wife was in the hospital for another 6 weeks. The baby was born prematurely at 32 weeks and spent 2 weeks in the NICU with underdeveloped lungs and a very weak immune system. She’s better now (almost a year old), but still has her own health problems.

The bottom line with all this background is that there’s a good chance my wife and unborn baby could die if she gets pregnant again. NFP has not been an option because my wife has always had very irregular cycles. At this point she is not willing to try any form of hormone therapy or NFP method. She is terrified of becoming pregnant again.

Another side effect from her condition is that I lost my job to stay home and care for her. I lost my income and all medical benefits. I had to access my life/retirement savings to cover medical and living expenses. Our children (aged 3, 6, and 13 at the time) also basically lost their mother during all of this. It was very traumatic for everyone.

My wife is demanding that I get a vasectomy. I mentioned to her that maybe we’re called to be abstinent, but she will not live her life in a sexless marriage. She said that she will divorce me if I do not comply. I am horrified to even consider this, as I know it is a grave sin, but the alternative is to allow my home to be broken and to damage my children because of it. I coudln’t bear to hurt them. I also love my wife and want to stay married to her. I took a vow to her in front of God and I’ve always intended to follow through with it until death. I truly believe in the teachings of the Church and I feel tremendous anxiety and guilt because of this. I’ve consulted priests and even the National Catholic Bioethics Center. The Bioethics Center told me that there is never a reason to justify sterilization - even my reason. I was told to abstain.

I know the Church teaching - but I guess my question is this: “Will I be in everlasting mortal sin if I go through with this?” Is this even a mortal sin? Based on the guidelines for mortal sin, I have to consent and/or want to do it. I DO NOT want to do this but feel forced or my family will be destroyed. I also want to keep my wife safe. I could never bear to lose her.

I know this is a lot of info, but as you can see I am in great pain over this.
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I am so very sorry for your situation. No, ethically, you cannot get a vasectomy. Yes, it would (objectively) be a mortal sin, in that it is grave matter, you know it’s grave matter, and you would consent to have it done.

A question: why is she so insistent that you be sterilized, even though it violates your conscience, rather than her? I am not saying that you should suggest this to her, because it’s still a sin even if she doesn’t think it’s wrong. I’m genuinely confused why she expects you to do this when she could have the procedure done or go on some sort of birth control. Vasectomies, tubal ligations, and birth control can all fail, too, but the insistence that you do this rather than she seems particularly unreasonable.
 
UbiCaritas said:
I am so very sorry for your situation. No, ethically, you cannot get a vasectomy. Yes, it would (objectively) be a mortal sin, in that it is grave matter, you know it’s grave matter, and you would consent to have it done.

A question: why is she so insistent that you be sterilized, even though it violates your conscience, rather than her? I am not saying that you should suggest this to her, because it’s still a sin even if she doesn’t think it’s wrong. I’m genuinely confused why she expects you to do this when she could have the procedure done or go on some sort of birth control. Vasectomies, tubal ligations, and birth control can all fail, too, but the insistence that you do this rather than she seems particularly unreasonable.
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I agree with all of this, especially the bolded.

OP, this must be so very hard. I am very sorry.
 
Thanks for your reply UbiCaritas. First of all, any surgery she has will be extremely risky for her. She could die. Also, she is basically saying that she trusted me to protect her, and I’m not putting her or our marriage first. Other forms of contraception wouldn’t apply because of her health problems. Also, she knows nothing is 100%, but sees this as more effective than anything else (aside from tubal ligation). She’s afraid of dying from this. Also, I could not encourage her to sterilize herself instead of me. Either way, we’re in this together, whether I do it or she does it. We’re both complicent to some extent.
 
Also, the hard fact is that she is insistant to the point of divorcing me over this. I guess the question of why is she so unreasonable, or why doesn’t she do it herself doesn’t really matter at this point. This is my dilemna, and no matter the reason, either I go through with it, or my family will be broken.
 
Daddyof4 said:
Also, the hard fact is that she is insistent to the point of divorcing me over this. I guess the question of why is she so unreasonable, or why doesn’t she do it herself doesn’t really matter at this point. This is my dilemma, and no matter the reason, either I go through with it, or my family will be broken.
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This is not the Catholic response, just a general question. Why do YOU need to get sterilized if she has the problem, so to speak? Why doesn’t SHE get her tubes tied?

Morally, if she gets sterilized against your wishes, you can still have relations with her and it is not sinful to you. But by forcing you to do something she is causing you to sin.

Is there more going on than just thins?
 
PaulinVA, thanks for your response but please read my previous replies. You’ll see the answer to your questions.
 
I don’t know how old your youngest child is but looking back I said some irrational things when I was post-partum with my children. I was hormonal, exhausted, etc. I realize that your wife’s health situation will not change, but her outlook at some point might. She might not be able to consider that right now. I’m not advocating using a condom but at least that’s not permanent. Me personally I would delay, delay, delay any decision as long as you can until you both can regroup. I understand her need for you to take her request seriously but I would as lovingly as possible let her know that her threat of divorce is not helping the situation. I’m sorry for the circumstances you are in and I will remember your family in our family prayers tonight. My heart wishes I could say go ahead with the vasectomy, it is perfectly sensible. Because that seems like it would solve all your problems. But it has been my personal experience that mortal sin has never made my life better.
 
Daddyof4 said:
Thanks for your reply UbiCaritas. First of all, any surgery she has will be extremely risky for her. She could die. Also, she is basically saying that she trusted me to protect her, and I’m not putting her or our marriage first. Other forms of contraception wouldn’t apply because of her health problems. Also, she knows nothing is 100%, but sees this as more effective than anything else (aside from tubal ligation). She’s afraid of dying from this. Also, I could not encourage her to sterilize herself instead of me. Either way, we’re in this together, whether I do it or she does it. We’re both complicent to some extent.
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Tubal ligation can be done laprascopically under local/spinal anesthesia. Is she aware that there is an (admittedly very small) chance that a vasectomy could render you impotent?

No, of course you can’t recommend that she get sterilized; I merely asked because that seemed like the logical (immoral, but logical) course of action for her.

If she were to sterilize herself without your consent or cooperation, then no, you wouldn’t be complicit in her action.

I understand that she must be terribly afraid.

You say she’s not willing to try hormone therapy. Why? Could you perhaps suggest to her that before you do something as drastic and potentially life-altering as get a vasectomy, that she talk to someone at the Pope Paul VI Institute or a local NaPro doctor about getting bloodwork done, and discussing her treatment options?

Does she still practice her faith? What does she believe about the Church’s teaching in this matter? Would she be willing to read a blog? Jennifer Fulwiler is a Catholic blogger at Conversion Diary. She also has a clotting disorder which made her last pregnancy very, very difficult indeed; she was hospitalized for some time. I wonder if reading another woman’s perspective on this might help.

I also wonder if she could have postpartum depression and anxiety. She sounds terrified (and reasonably so), but also as though she wants a quick fix (pardon the pun) and wants it NOW–something that sounds very familiar to me from when my PPD was at its worst. I often felt as though if I didn’t get everything done perfectly right this second, there would be disastrous consequences and Nothing Would Ever Be Right Again. There were times when I was very tempted to go on hormonal birth control, especially when the natural postpartum exhaustion and isolation made things that much worse: I couldn’t imagine how I could ever cope with another baby. (I do not claim that my experience with PPD makes me understand exactly what she is feeling right now, or that given her health issues, it’s a good idea for her to get pregnant again. I only mention this to show that I may understand the mindset to a much lesser degree.) Has she talked to her doctor about the possibility of PPD/PPA? Does she seem, aside from this issue, to be showing any signs of depression or anxiety? If she does have PPD/PPA, it’s a very good idea, morals aside, not to make any major decisions while she’s in the midst of it.
 
Thank you EmeraldOak. My youngest child is 10 months old. My wife has actually brought his up after our third child. Every so often she brings it up but I’ve been able to delay it until now. She threatened before but with the busyness of everyday life she set it aside. I think I’m out of time.
 
I suggest you speak with a Priest regarding this situation. God bless. Praying for you & your family.
 
Thanks UbiCaritas. I will look into some of those suggestions. I’ve already pointed her to the Pope Paul VI institute and NaPro. She briefly looked into it before saying it doesn’t apply to her. I’ll look into the blog, but to be honest, there’s nothing I can say to her. She will not listen to me - especially me. She says I’m trying to control her amongst other things. She may very well have PPD, but I don’t know for sure. Our family doctor is in favor of a vasectomy. He isn’t pushing for it, but I spoke to him recently and found out his views.

My wife believes that God is forgiving and will not hold this against us. She is typically a faithful Catholic except for this situation.
 
Remember your priorities - your eternal salvation and that of your wife should come first. Talk with a priest and, and if possible, bring your wife.
 
That is my question - is it mortal in my case? My soul may be saved in the end, but my marriage and family will be hurt irreversibly. My children will be put through something terrible that will permanently affect their lives and possibly future relationships. It’s not so easy as to say to keep my priorities. I wish it were.
 
I’ve talked to more than one priest already. None have understood the nature of my problem or even seemed to try. I’ve gotten the standard “try NFP” responses or that it’s not permitted under any circumstance (which I understand). No counseling or guidance of any sort. I’m trying to get my wife to see a priest with me, but she’s very strong willed about this.
 
How old are you both? Even if you were to abstain until menopause, you wouldn’t be doomed to a sexless marriage for life. I realize if you’re in your thirties now that might seem far away, but it might be worth pointing out to your wife that you’re not saying she can never have sex again. And even the most conservative NFP methods (phase two only) still provide several opportunities a month to enjoy the marital embrace. Of course you want to keep your wife safe - it is clear that you love her and I think you realize that the way to do that is by abstaining for the time being.

Your job and vocation is to get your family to heaven, and as laudable a goal it is to try to keep your family together, you cannot sin in order to do so. If you try to justify something evil for the sake of something good, you’re shooting yourself in the foot. You’d lose the grace that you need to keep your marriage together and intact and to be a good example to your children.

What does your wife think will happen if she divorces you? Does she have means to support herself? Has she thought this through or is she speaking from a scared and dark place? It is fundamentally unfair of your wife to demand that you break a part of yourself as a condition of her staying with you. She is probably exhausted and angry and tired. I think you need marriage counseling, and to find some help for your wife if you can. Are you near family? Call in the reserves. Ask friends and family to babysit so you can have some time away from the kids when you need it.

God bless.
 
Thanks nodito. We’ve been through everything you’re talking about. She has thought it through (lawyer, finances, etc etc). Not willing to go to counseling (we tried once before about other issues), and not willing to try any NFP. Abstinence is NOT an option for her. I’ve tried everthing I can think of. I guess I just need prayer. But the bottom line is that we’ve been through all the ideas/options - the place I’m at right now is that I have to do this or I lose my family. Based on this, I guess I’m just hoping I’m not mortally sinning. I guess I’m likening this to having a gun to my head, but maybe that’s the wrong analogy, or wishful thinking.
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. 😦

As others have said, vasectomies are not 100% “fool-proof” either. I had a friend in high school who was the happy “surprise” that followed his own father’s vasectomy. It happens.

Personally, if things were that dire for the prospects of my wife’s health, I could not in good conscience do anything that would jeopardize it. I would need to be 100% sure. And the only 100% certainty is abstinence (as much as that stinks).

I’d also be extremely hurt if my wife gave me an ultimatum and threatened divorce. That is not the action of a loving spouse. Do you truly think she would follow through with that threat or is it just the emotion/aggravation talking? It is very disrespectful for her to put you in such a situation. Love is unconditional. It’s not, “I’ll love you if you do what I want you to do and only if you do what I want you to do.”
 
Daddyof4 said:
That is my question - is it mortal in my case? My soul may be saved in the end, but my marriage and family will be hurt irreversibly. My children will be put through something terrible that will permanently affect their lives and possibly future relationships. It’s not so easy as to say to keep my priorities. I wish it were.
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Yes. The conditions of mortal sin are all met - grave matter (yes), full knowledge (yes), consent (yes).

Will she go with you to meet with your pastor and discuss this? Maybe having a neutral third party would help her understand. You didn’t mention if your wife was Catholic but, if so, she might listen to a priest with less emotion involved.
Either way, we’re in this together, whether I do it or she does it. We’re both complicent to some extent.
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Not to be flip, but obviously she doesn’t feel that you are “in this together” if she is threatening you with divorce for following your faith. You said you are not willing to put your children through the pain of a split but she is? It sounds like emotional blackmail and that’s not healthy for your relationship. Even if you caved and went along with this, wouldn’t this severely wound the trust between you?
 
Joe,

She’s serious about this. She tells me she cant trust me anymore because I’ve been refusing to do it. Back when she was sick the last time, I told her I would do it. I mainly said it to calm her down and buy some time. I was wrong to say that and I’ve told her so. I am extremely hurt by her giving me this ultimatum. I told her that the consequences would be just as bad if I went through with it (overwhelming guilt, disconnect from God & the Church, example for our kids, destroying our intimacy, etc.). I told her our marriage would be in greater jeopardy. The only thing I can control is keeping us together by not leaving her or by doing what she asks to keep us together. I love her and sympathize with her greatly. She says she loves me but sees no alternative. If I don’t do this for her, it will change the way she sees me.
 
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