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Xantippe
Guest
That’s a little different than “Do these pants make me look fat?” especially if the truth is that you are fat.
“Do I look worse or better than usual?” might be a little less fraught.
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“Do I look worse or better than usual?” might be a little less fraught.
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HerCrazierHalf
Guest
Idk. I’m from the situation described above. I didn’t move in until we got married and its rather shocking how living together radically changes things. Other than having kids one day, living together has been the 2nd most challenging part of living together.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
Oh man. Yes. This x1000.
We actually had this come up a little while ago. DH said something that I thought was really hurtful. I didn’t respond at that moment because a) the kids were right there, and I wanted to have that discussion without interruption and b) he was about to leave to spend a rare evening with friends. I was pretty upset for most of the evening, to the point that I couldn’t fall asleep and was still up when he got home well past midnight. I could, I suppose, have brought it up then…but absolutely nothing good happens, discussion-wise, on fraught subjects at 12:45 AM. Instead, I waited until the next evening, got the kids to bed, opened a bottle of wine, and said, “hey, I’d like to talk about this” at the far more reasonable hour of 7:30. And while it wasn’t a fun discussion per se, especially for the first few minutes, we did resolve several issues and come up with solutions together, he apologized for saying what he said while having the opportunity to say what he really meant by it (something that wasn’t anywhere near as unkind as it sounded), I was able to explain both why I was hurt and why I seemed to be dismissive of something that was important to him, and things have been a lot smoother since.
I really, REALLY doubt that would have been the case if I’d insisted on having that talk at nearly-one-in-the-morning.
We actually had this come up a little while ago. DH said something that I thought was really hurtful. I didn’t respond at that moment because a) the kids were right there, and I wanted to have that discussion without interruption and b) he was about to leave to spend a rare evening with friends. I was pretty upset for most of the evening, to the point that I couldn’t fall asleep and was still up when he got home well past midnight. I could, I suppose, have brought it up then…but absolutely nothing good happens, discussion-wise, on fraught subjects at 12:45 AM. Instead, I waited until the next evening, got the kids to bed, opened a bottle of wine, and said, “hey, I’d like to talk about this” at the far more reasonable hour of 7:30. And while it wasn’t a fun discussion per se, especially for the first few minutes, we did resolve several issues and come up with solutions together, he apologized for saying what he said while having the opportunity to say what he really meant by it (something that wasn’t anywhere near as unkind as it sounded), I was able to explain both why I was hurt and why I seemed to be dismissive of something that was important to him, and things have been a lot smoother since.
I really, REALLY doubt that would have been the case if I’d insisted on having that talk at nearly-one-in-the-morning.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
shudder
I’ve heard that from some very conservative/traditional types–basically, that if a man has an affair, it’s likely on his wife for not looking attractive enough. And while I’m all in favor of making yourself attractive for your spouse if that’s one of your love languages, it can lead to some pretty messed-up situations. (I’m thinking of the guy who left his wife of 20+ years for someone literally half her age. Though she looked very, very good for being in her mid-40s, she wasn’t going to have the body of a 19-year-old, barring a head transplant.
)
I’ve heard that from some very conservative/traditional types–basically, that if a man has an affair, it’s likely on his wife for not looking attractive enough. And while I’m all in favor of making yourself attractive for your spouse if that’s one of your love languages, it can lead to some pretty messed-up situations. (I’m thinking of the guy who left his wife of 20+ years for someone literally half her age. Though she looked very, very good for being in her mid-40s, she wasn’t going to have the body of a 19-year-old, barring a head transplant.
)
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PetraG
Guest
Here are some thoughts on the original topic:
Some people think that unregulated frankness in marriage is good communication, that the best possible marriage will have no secrets whatsoever. They somehow realize this is not true in their other friendships–to the point of being an obvious recipe for disaster, LOL!!–but somehow they talk to newlyweds as if diplomacy and sensitivity are not nearly as important as total honesty. Yes, total honesty works for some couples. No, it is not a universal rule that works for everyone. Mileage varies.
- The worst advice is when a happily married couple giving advice presumes that everyone else would be happily married if only they conducted their relationship exactly the way they do. No. It does not work like that. Even if you yourself, happily married persons, are unfortunate enough to be widowed and fortunate enough to remarry, you will inevitably learn that your second spouse and your first one are not the same persons and your second marriage is going to be happy only because you’re willing to give up the idea that there is only one way for you to be in a happy marriage. That is part of why marriage is work. It is not a paint-by-numbers activity. It requires attention, creativity and flexibility.
- It is useless to tell people that marriage is a lot of work or that a good marriage requires communication when you never say what it is you’re work at, how it is you’re working, and what kind of communication is and is not an asset in marriage.
Some people think that unregulated frankness in marriage is good communication, that the best possible marriage will have no secrets whatsoever. They somehow realize this is not true in their other friendships–to the point of being an obvious recipe for disaster, LOL!!–but somehow they talk to newlyweds as if diplomacy and sensitivity are not nearly as important as total honesty. Yes, total honesty works for some couples. No, it is not a universal rule that works for everyone. Mileage varies.
That could be one of the funniest quotes about marriage I have ever read.
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alice24
Guest
This thread is as entertaining as precious for me, THANK YOU! 
Really, in most cases, I can easily say “I don´t care” because of the incompetence of the said words or the person itself.
In some cases I realized I am insecure.
For example:
Marriage is hard work
this is such a basic term that I didn´t thought of it much. Yes, of course, every friendship, every relation is not easy all the time. But marriage as a heavy task? I don´t know. In a good marriage, is it hard work A) you see but take with pleasure because you are content in general, or B)you don´t notice it´s hard work?
Don´t divorce if he cheats on you immediately
Well. Forgiveness is important. Stability, too. And yes, I think I won´t give up a lifelong marriage because of a sin. BUT I really have a problem to state this to a bride, because I have no idea how I would react. No idea how the circumstances would be etc. I understand declaring to a spouse "I won´t leave you for XY, as a declaration of red flags…but I don´t know how realistic those commitments are.
You need time without your partner for your own
Ok, yes, distance is sometimes good. But, what if your daily life don´t give you this relaxing time and only moments alone while you are driving by train, doing the choirs etc. It feels a bit forced for me to make space for extra free time if no spouse asks for it. Is this dangerous?
Talk exactly what you like sexually, you need to be open to have a healthy marriage
Ok, but what if someone is rather shy and feels criticized because it´s a sensible topic? Is talking always good?
Sorry, much to read, It just came to my mind
Really, in most cases, I can easily say “I don´t care” because of the incompetence of the said words or the person itself.
In some cases I realized I am insecure.
For example:
Marriage is hard work
this is such a basic term that I didn´t thought of it much. Yes, of course, every friendship, every relation is not easy all the time. But marriage as a heavy task? I don´t know. In a good marriage, is it hard work A) you see but take with pleasure because you are content in general, or B)you don´t notice it´s hard work?
Don´t divorce if he cheats on you immediately
Well. Forgiveness is important. Stability, too. And yes, I think I won´t give up a lifelong marriage because of a sin. BUT I really have a problem to state this to a bride, because I have no idea how I would react. No idea how the circumstances would be etc. I understand declaring to a spouse "I won´t leave you for XY, as a declaration of red flags…but I don´t know how realistic those commitments are.
You need time without your partner for your own
Ok, yes, distance is sometimes good. But, what if your daily life don´t give you this relaxing time and only moments alone while you are driving by train, doing the choirs etc. It feels a bit forced for me to make space for extra free time if no spouse asks for it. Is this dangerous?
Talk exactly what you like sexually, you need to be open to have a healthy marriage
Ok, but what if someone is rather shy and feels criticized because it´s a sensible topic? Is talking always good?
Sorry, much to read, It just came to my mind
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Xantippe
Guest
Especially since many husbands of homely wives are faultlessly faithful, while many husbands of beauties cheat.
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F_Marturana
Guest
Or not being available sexually frequently enough. That’s another bit of advice I’ve gotten. Never refuse because then they’ll look somewhere else.
It’s odd. I’m married to her son for over 20 years. One thing that I appreciated about him is that he’s never made me feel insecure that he would be unfaithful.
It’s odd. I’m married to her son for over 20 years. One thing that I appreciated about him is that he’s never made me feel insecure that he would be unfaithful.
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F_Marturana
Guest
Yes. Beyoncé for example. She’s really beautiful in my opinion. Yet her husband just admitted he had been unfaithful.
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JetteZ
Guest
“Well, you can’t leave him now; you have a baby,” said by my MIL. Er… I wasn’t planning on it. 
Thankfully my husband and I have a similar sense of humor so now we joke about it. Like, I’ll trip over a pair of shoes left out and I’ll grumble about how I can’t leave him because of the babies. When I was in the horribly uncomfortable last month of pregnancy with our second he’d get me to laugh by saying he’d tricked me again into another anchor baby.
Thankfully my husband and I have a similar sense of humor so now we joke about it. Like, I’ll trip over a pair of shoes left out and I’ll grumble about how I can’t leave him because of the babies. When I was in the horribly uncomfortable last month of pregnancy with our second he’d get me to laugh by saying he’d tricked me again into another anchor baby.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
On the hard work thing–I think that’s seasonal. Some times it’s very easy to be a good spouse. Other times, it’s not. In my example above, it would have been easier for me not to bring up the issue I did because both DH and I absolutely hate, hate, HATE conflict, but the flip side to that would be that it would have come up in my mind for years to come whenever we had a disagreement. Much better to lance that particular boil sooner so that it could heal!
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Edward_H
Guest
from the 70s…“Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. (from a sappy movie, Love Story).
What a crock! but it seems to have wormed its way into people’s brains.
What a crock! but it seems to have wormed its way into people’s brains.
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alice24
Guest
This sense of humor is sweet
Sometimes I wonder when people reach the point at which they give such “advice” …
Sometimes I wonder when people reach the point at which they give such “advice” …
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alice24
Guest
One good, but sometimes also scary aspect of CAF for me are the marriage stories and views regarding household managing some are sharing, as in the current “submissive wife” thread. Maybe it’s just the exiting last days before my wedding that makes me insecure, but sometimes I wonder how many histories of bad in-law relations, fights, hard times, bad advice are the actual reality. I mean, can a marriage also…just be a long time, happy living with your spouse, without major struggles, when you are NOT Mr and Mrs perfect with a well income and a healthy family circle?
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Honestly, I do not know anyone who goes through life without major struggles. They may be economic, physical, mental, spiritual, the storms will come. What is important is that you have someone beside you through all of those struggles, your feet are on the same solid foundation of Christ and in the worst times you cling to the Cross together.
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alice24
Guest
Of course I don’t except living my life without crisis, I sadly experienced enough of it in the last years and I still love my life and kept my trust.
Sometimes it seems in some posts to me that it’s a rare blessing connected with hard work to have a marriage without cheating, depression, fighting. Maybe it is only because people share more problems than joy online or because I start to geht really nervous now.
Sometimes it seems in some posts to me that it’s a rare blessing connected with hard work to have a marriage without cheating, depression, fighting. Maybe it is only because people share more problems than joy online or because I start to geht really nervous now.
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
My mom never liked that 50/50 business either. She said each half of the couple had to give 100 percent.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
Here are some useless ones that people gave me:
“Get a prenup” and when I said we didn’t believe in that sort of thing, he became alarmed and started up with “You MUST get a prenup!” This was from a guy who had had a bad first marriage and was divorced and remarried and who I did not like very much because he would sit on the phone at work ordering his wife around.
“Marriage changes everything. After you’re married, everything will be different between you.” This one scared me to death as I had known my husband for 10 years and his predictability was a huge reason why I was now making the great leap in my mind to marry him. I spent about the first 3-5 years of our marriage worrying that some big thing would change between us. It didn’t. We just sort of continued on the same path.
“Marriage is hard work.” Maybe it is for some people…the point of me marrying my husband was that it wasn’t hard work every day to be with him and be around him. My first boss used to say “Work smarter, not harder” and if it looked like one of his people was working too hard, like staying after work, he’d come around to find out the reason why. Same should apply to marriage.
“Get a prenup” and when I said we didn’t believe in that sort of thing, he became alarmed and started up with “You MUST get a prenup!” This was from a guy who had had a bad first marriage and was divorced and remarried and who I did not like very much because he would sit on the phone at work ordering his wife around.
“Marriage changes everything. After you’re married, everything will be different between you.” This one scared me to death as I had known my husband for 10 years and his predictability was a huge reason why I was now making the great leap in my mind to marry him. I spent about the first 3-5 years of our marriage worrying that some big thing would change between us. It didn’t. We just sort of continued on the same path.
“Marriage is hard work.” Maybe it is for some people…the point of me marrying my husband was that it wasn’t hard work every day to be with him and be around him. My first boss used to say “Work smarter, not harder” and if it looked like one of his people was working too hard, like staying after work, he’d come around to find out the reason why. Same should apply to marriage.
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jdavani
Guest
i disagree with the first statement. you CAN be too young to get married.
my grandparents were 14 and 13. that’s far too young
my grandparents were 14 and 13. that’s far too young
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alice24
Guest
Well, this is extreme, in which country did they marry?
My persian grandma was 14. It’s extremely young, but the 1940’s in persia were an extremely different world, too.
I think 25 up is never to young, if there is childish behaviour, then it’s based on a immaturity of personality, not based on a ordinary age-fitting issue…
My persian grandma was 14. It’s extremely young, but the 1940’s in persia were an extremely different world, too.
I think 25 up is never to young, if there is childish behaviour, then it’s based on a immaturity of personality, not based on a ordinary age-fitting issue…
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