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jdavani
Guest
Iran. Fellow persian here. They married in the 30s.
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JetteZ
Guest
Well, in her defense we were facing a difficult time. My husband had resigned his position without another job lined up. A difficult time; however, doesn’t equal a difficult time in one’s marriage (although it certainly can be the catalyst). I knew my husband to be a hard worker, I knew his reasons for leaving and trusted that it was the right decision.
Financially we struggled, we had to sell the house we had brought our baby home to, eventually we ended up moving states away from our family. Those things are difficult; but, we clung to each other and our marriage was made stronger. My husband has a greater faith in me because he lived through something that was “his fault” and I didn’t abandon him or blame him. My faith in my husband is greater because I have witnessed his strength of character and desire to provide.
Another inside joke we have is, “Well, we don’t learn things the easy way!” Whenever we (together or individually) are in a time of struggle or face a crisis of our own making we look for the lesson. We talk about it, look for advice (from ourselves, books, therapy, whatever), admit our short comings, sigh, and say, “Well, we don’t learn things the easy way!” It’s a way to admit shortcomings without blaming the other; because, we all have those shortcomings. We can move on with whatever we need to “do” without getting stuck in “what should have been” or “what I wish life looked like.”
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jdavani
Guest
13 and 14 is too young. It’s too young to have children safely. It’s too young to be a parent.
Even though I’m saying that–I think my grandparents at 14 and 13 are more mature than many 20-somethings in America
Even though I’m saying that–I think my grandparents at 14 and 13 are more mature than many 20-somethings in America
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alice24
Guest
Another dispora contact, nice.
I always wonder how flexible those old nanejoons are. My grandma was widowed early with seven children, saw empires fall, values changing, but she still sees me as a woman like her when she got married, no matter how different we are.
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jdavani
Guest
My grandmother told my mother that it was terrible that she had to marry at 13 and told my mother it would be better to think longer about marrying my father–and my mother was 24 lol
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alice24
Guest
My grandma also was glad to see me marrying with 25, not with 16 or 18. She asked every year if I already found someone and was secretly a bit happy to hear the"No"
I meant within the normal legal age. Usually 18. After that I tend to think it’s a matter of maturity. But that’s not what people mean when they say it. What they mean is: “you mean you aren’t going to stay single well into your 30’s to enjoy singleness to the full and avoid being comitted in case she turns out to be the “wrong” person for you.”
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jdavani
Guest
that was the legal age when my grandparents got married.
And honestly, 18 is too young for most westerners. Many don’t work yet and still live at home. I think that a person shouldn’t marry unless they can afford (emotionally, financially) to take care of children and their spouse. Some people can do that at 18, some can’t do that at 50
And honestly, 18 is too young for most westerners. Many don’t work yet and still live at home. I think that a person shouldn’t marry unless they can afford (emotionally, financially) to take care of children and their spouse. Some people can do that at 18, some can’t do that at 50
I agree, but that is partly because Western young people are enabled to have a childhood that eextends well into the 20’s. Most western 25 year old’s are too immature for marriage. But the issue is that when there is one who is mature enough and desires it, it becomes “weird” because they aren’t doing what their peers are…fooling around til their mid-30’'s.
I think part of this is because some people actually want to get married relatively young but feel they’ll miss out or that they can’t yet for whatever reason.
I think part of this is because some people actually want to get married relatively young but feel they’ll miss out or that they can’t yet for whatever reason.
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jdavani
Guest
Feeling infatuated with someone can blind you, so I still think it’s good advice to tell people to wait a bit before marrying someone. If marriage is forever and forever binding, why not wait until you’re older to see if you or her change as a person
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alice24
Guest
Well, don’t people change their whole lifetime?
I got your point and think we mean a usual time of courtship and friendship, but if I feared change, I could never marry.
One reason I marry my spouse is that we agree in the view that we will change and we still want to spent the time together.
I got your point and think we mean a usual time of courtship and friendship, but if I feared change, I could never marry.
One reason I marry my spouse is that we agree in the view that we will change and we still want to spent the time together.
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Again it depends on the maturity. It’s prudent to wait a certain amount to see if the person is really suitable for you. A year or two is reasonable. But waiting 5 years to propose is a bit crazy. Nobody’s ever going to be a “finished product”.
In terms of “compatibility”, I don’t believe any two people are fully compatible. Part of marriage is dealing with that.
I already know the answer to if I will change as a person. I will. Definitely. Everyone does. So will my wife. The point of marriage is to go through that together. My wife will change me as a person, hopefully for the better. So will kids when they come. So will my career. That’s just life. To think that the person you marry will remain the same for forty odd years is naive.
In terms of “compatibility”, I don’t believe any two people are fully compatible. Part of marriage is dealing with that.
I already know the answer to if I will change as a person. I will. Definitely. Everyone does. So will my wife. The point of marriage is to go through that together. My wife will change me as a person, hopefully for the better. So will kids when they come. So will my career. That’s just life. To think that the person you marry will remain the same for forty odd years is naive.
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jdavani
Guest
There’s a difference between the type of changing someone does from 18-24 and the changing that occurs later.
J
jdavani
Guest
Drastic changes in personality and social development. The body is still not finished with puberty, after all.
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jdavani
Guest
I’d say most people’s concept of marriage does not include “till death do us part.”
Tis_Bearself
Patron
The main reason to wait till you’re about 30 to marry is that people who do that are more established in life, more clear on what they want, and therefore less likely to get divorced.
The person who looks like a great choice at age 17 or even age 22 often does not look so hot when you hit your 30s.
This is not true for every couple; some of them get married young and stay married their whole lives. But a lot of people are not only not ready at younger ages, they aren’t even sure what they want in life or out of a marriage. i know I wasn’t ready to even think about it until I was in my late 20s, and I was a very responsible young person who was financially independent and living on my own by age 21. It didn’t help that many of the men I met in my early 20s were not as mature and responsible as I would have expected a husband to be.
The person who looks like a great choice at age 17 or even age 22 often does not look so hot when you hit your 30s.
This is not true for every couple; some of them get married young and stay married their whole lives. But a lot of people are not only not ready at younger ages, they aren’t even sure what they want in life or out of a marriage. i know I wasn’t ready to even think about it until I was in my late 20s, and I was a very responsible young person who was financially independent and living on my own by age 21. It didn’t help that many of the men I met in my early 20s were not as mature and responsible as I would have expected a husband to be.
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Xantippe
Guest
You’re getting the “greatest hits” from a large number of people.One good, but sometimes also scary aspect of CAF for me are the marriage stories and views regarding household managing some are sharing, as in the current “submissive wife” thread. Maybe it’s just the exiting last days before my wedding that makes me insecure, but sometimes I wonder how many histories of bad in-law relations, fights, hard times, bad advice are the actual reality. I mean, can a marriage also…just be a long time, happy living with your spouse, without major struggles, when you are NOT Mr and Mrs perfect with a well income and a healthy family circle?
Although, from what you’ve said, you’re in for some interesting situations with your in-laws.
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alice24
Guest
Sometimes it’s a scary compilation…
Well yes, my in-laws…you are right. Fortunately, fiance talked to them, they didn’t made drama and we have many flats to see before christmas, so, we should find a living alternative for january or beginning february.
Sometimes it seems that many marriage troubles are family troubles poisoning relatively stable marriage…
Well yes, my in-laws…you are right. Fortunately, fiance talked to them, they didn’t made drama and we have many flats to see before christmas, so, we should find a living alternative for january or beginning february.
Sometimes it seems that many marriage troubles are family troubles poisoning relatively stable marriage…
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