Vasectomy deceit

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My Husband of thirteen years just informed me he had a vasectomy 5.5 years ago without telling me. All along I thought we were successfully practicing nfp. In state of shock but also wondering if that is grounds for annullment? Anyone??
 
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mks:
My Husband of thirteen years just informed me he had a vasectomy 5.5 years ago without telling me. All along I thought we were successfully practicing nfp. In state of shock but also wondering if that is grounds for annullment? Anyone??
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that’s a horrible thing he did. did he ask your forgiveness?

I recommend trying to save the marriage through therapy. I recommend also that you have your husband have surgery to fix the problem if this is affordable. He has betrayed you, and even worse, God, in a bad way. I will pray for you.

God bless!
 
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mks:
My Husband of thirteen years just informed me he had a vasectomy 5.5 years ago without telling me. All along I thought we were successfully practicing nfp. In state of shock but also wondering if that is grounds for annullment? Anyone??
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You should make your feelings known to your husband. If you cannot work things out, I suggest you see a marriage counselor. This is not the sort of thing to be looking for advice on an online forum only for. Annulments aren’t things to be taken lightly at all.
 
An annulment means there was never a valid marriage to begin with. Was he never open to life? Did he go into the marriage with the idea not to have children or not to follow the church’s teaching on birth control?

Right now you are in shock, and understandably so. Take some time just to sort thru your feelings. Is your marriage other wise a good marriage? Is your husband contrite? Has he gone to confession? I would sit down with a good Catholic priest together and discuss it.

I would also continue to practice NFP, many sterilized couples do as a part showing adherance to church teaching after repenting for their mistake. Is your husband open to considering a reversal if it’s possible?

Deception is always very painful, and in a situation like this especially so. Pray, pour your heart out to God, sit be before Jesus in the blessed sacrament and let him speak to your heart and heal your pain. Pray that he helps you to forgive your husband’s act of deceit, and that your marriage will be healed.

I will pray for you and your husband. God Bless.
 
For information only:

In my diocese, the Tribunal will not consider the question of annulment for a marriage which has not ended in a civil divorce. I think this is the policy in other dioceses as well. This should NOT be construed as advice to seek a divorce, only as advice that your Tribunal probably will not consider any grounds for annulment in any marriage in which the spouses are still civilly married.
 
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mks:
My Husband of thirteen years just informed me he had a vasectomy 5.5 years ago without telling me. All along I thought we were successfully practicing nfp. In state of shock but also wondering if that is grounds for annullment? Anyone??
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Your anger is quite justified. In a way he cheated on you, not with another woman, but with himself. Right now, you probably wish the doctor had sneezed at the critical moment and cut something else off five years ago. The deceit is the same as if he had an affair. And the question of “what else has he lied about?” is justified. He may not get that. Guys are often a little slow to connect the dots that way. Ask my wife…she’ll tell you.

The good news is that doctors have gotten a lot better at reversing vasectomies.

In time your anger will fade and then grief will set in as you feel the loss of what you thought you had. This is the time when a lot of couples toss in the towel and call it quits. Get with a priest and work through this. We never can imagine what the “for worse” part of our wedding vows will look like until they smack us in the face. You’ve been smacked. Now what?

I doubt just the act of getting a vasectomy is grounds for annulment. Your marriage is likely sacramental. Work with a priest or Catholic marriage counselor.

You are in my prayers and I will remember you at mass, today.
 
How could you not notice? It isn’t as if he could do normal things after the surgery. He would have to take it easy for a couple days.
 
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mjdonnelly:
How could you not notice? It isn’t as if he could do normal things after the surgery. He would have to take it easy for a couple days.
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Hey Mike,

Easy there, brother Knight. That would be an easy thing to conceal, given the right conditions. I can’t think of any helpful reason to ask that question. Besides, what difference does that make now, today? What’s done is done.

I’m no canon lawyer, but I wouldn’t see how anything that happened years after the marriage would really matter in seeking a declaration of nullity.

While I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone put all their faith in answers gleaned from CA forums, or the internet, but combined with more traditional information sources, it sure couldn’t hurt. Besides, this forum is a very good sounding-board for someone just looking to talk about very sensitive matters with complete anonymity.

I think that, as hard as it would be, forgiveness is the answer. Attempting to place myself in that position, I think I would have a very, very hard time forgiving my wife for something like that, but if she seemed truly sorry, I would do the best I could to forgive her. I hope if I ever did something that serious, she could find it in her heart to forgive me.

I wonder what a Priest would recommend?
 
I just can’t imagine being able to hide the surgery unless she were out of town.

The guy also has to shave the area to have it done.

And, I’m surprised a doctor would do it without consulting his wife. Unless the husband lied to the doctor and said he wasn’t married.
 
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mjdonnelly:
I just can’t imagine being able to hide the surgery unless she were out of town.

The guy also has to shave the area to have it done.

And, I’m surprised a doctor would do it without consulting his wife. Unless the husband lied to the doctor and said he wasn’t married.
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Hi Brother Knight,

I think a real sneaky guy could pull off the kaper, and obviously did, in this case.

I agree. The doctor should have consulted with his wife. The doc must not have been Catholic.Certainly an MD that knew some basic fundamentals of a Catholic marriage would want to include the wife in any planning of a surgery like this. I wonder what medical ethics govern a surgery such as this? Are there legal consequences? Does a surgeon expose himself to some liability by performing a sterilization procedure on a married person, without the consent of both parties?
 
What your husband did was commit a mortal sin and he broke your wedding vows.

I wouldn’t run to a divorce lawyer or the annulment office.

I’d have a good cry.
A loud rant.
And then I’d sit before Eucharistic Adoration to speak to Jesus about my feelings and to seek His advice.

Your husband made a very serious mistake.
One which can be forgiven through confession and by you.
And one which can be reversed if that is a decision the two of you and a priest come to after discussing the matter through counseling.

His actions were the result of poor communication.
For whatever reason - and this is the crux of the matter - he did not feel comfortable talking to you about his thought process leading up to and after the surgery.

That’s a very serious issue which needs to be resolved in this marriage…why? what were his concerns? his fears?
I’m not suggesting the situation was your fault - because it wasn’t.
But something else is going on in the marriage that can damage it even more that the vasectomy. Please address this together and you two will be able to work through the best way to handle the surgery.

My prayers are with you.
 
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mjdonnelly:
I just can’t imagine being able to hide the surgery unless she were out of town. .
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Seeing as my husband had this surgery there really is no tell tail sign unless you are looking at his nuts (excuse my french) with a microscope. The inscison (sp?) is so small you really can not see it.
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mjdonnelly:
The guy also has to shave the area to have it done…
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They dont shave the whole pubic area
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mjdonnelly:
And, I’m surprised a doctor would do it without consulting his wife. Unless the husband lied to the doctor and said he wasn’t married.
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No need to consult the wife…as long as the person getting the procedure done consents. A Dr. is not obligated and legally can not discuss medical procedures/conditions that a person has with a spouse unless the person gives their consent.
On another note…the doctor that did my husbands procedure was Catholic.
 
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Karin:
No need to consult the wife…as long as the person getting the procedure done consents. A Dr. is not obligated and legally can not discuss medical procedures/conditions that a person has with a spouse unless the person gives their consent.
On another note…the doctor that did my husbands procedure was Catholic.
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Didn’t know that, in the military the doctors have to consult the wife. And that is after both of them go to a counselling session at least a week prior to the operation.
 
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mjdonnelly:
Didn’t know that, in the military the doctors have to consult the wife. And that is after both of them go to a counselling session at least a week prior to the operation.
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Well the military also jails you or punishes you for adultry (sp?). So perhaps they do know something.😃
I gave the laws for NJ…I should of stated that so people do not get confused. I am sure other states have different laws etc.
 
Gentlemen,

I find it interesting that you thnk a physician would have to consult a wife before a man’s vasectomy…

Did it ever occur to you that a physician does not consult a father prior to a mother having an abortion?

The “its my body” position goes both ways - so in many states a man can do whatever he wants.

Also in California now, a wife can not even pick up her husband’s list of prescriptions purchased during a the year for tax purposes (and vice versa) …that’s how fanatical we are with the “its my body”.

As for not knowing since he has to take it easy a couple days, that’s an absurd notion, many couples go a week 10, 14+ days with no sex - easily concealed.

To the woman involved I feel for you and best I can offer is my prayers for wahtever grace you really neeed most right now.
 
the underlying problem is one of dishonesty and lack of communication, and the resulting lack of intimacy (mental, psychological, spiritual, real intimacy) which will do the most damage to your marriage. You need counselling badly to get your marriage back on an honest footing.
 
thanks to everyone who replied and especially to those who prayed for me I need them badly.We actually have started counseling with a Catholic marriage counselor but I have a new question, is it sinful for me to have a strange sense of relief that I no longer have to do the “work” associated with nfp. This is of course assuming that we will fix the marriage and resume relations.
 
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mks:
thanks to everyone who replied and especially to those who prayed for me I need them badly.We actually have started counseling with a Catholic marriage counselor but I have a new question, is it sinful for me to have a strange sense of relief that I no longer have to do the “work” associated with nfp. This is of course assuming that we will fix the marriage and resume relations.
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Don’t worry about that right now.
If the marriage counselor is good, everything will look balanced later on. Take one step at a time and don’t try to rush things or jump ahead to the next issue. You’ll be married for a lifetime so focusing on each underlying issue until it’s resolved will have a long lasting affect.

If you don’t mind, perhaps in a month or so, would you let us know how things are going with this counselor? There are so few Catholic counselors out there that I’m always interested in finding out if they do a good job.
 
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mks:
…I have a new question, is it sinful for me to have a strange sense of relief that I no longer have to do the “work” associated with nfp…
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MKS–welcome to the CA forums–sorry it’s under such stressful circumstances.

I think the relief you now feel and the desperation your husband felt that drove him to this extreme decision may reflect a deeper void in your marriage relationship. It seems there may not only be a profound lack of communication between you, but an abandonment of and isolation from God in your lives. A couple who practiced their faith together, prayed/worshipped together, shared their struggles with stress, parenthood, intimacy, etc. would not be making independent decisions without consulting the other spouse. Consider that your counseling addresses not only your marital relationship, but your spirituality as well.
 
In your situation, I would seek advice from a priest on matters of feeling relieved about not having to practice NFP. I would think you wouldn’t want to “benefit” from it in any way. Maybe you could still practice NFP and use the abstinence time to work on other marriage issues. I am sure there are plenty of people (and priests) that would say it’s okay to carry on without the NFP, but I would want the counsel of a priest to make sure. In the meantime, just take things slow to get back on track. Take care of yourself and pray to get through this difficult time- we’re praying for you too! God bless you!
 
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