Vasectomy prayer answered - yikes!

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JLCecilia

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DH has decided once and for all to have a vasectomy after achieving our 4th unplanned pregnancy in our first 7.5 yrs. Naturally, I’ve been praying for him to have a change of heart, but as circumstances go, that isn’t necesary. We just plain can’t afford it right now. So, prayer answered, for now.

To be honest, as opposed to it as I am, I was actually looking forward to a less stressful postpartum phase and planned on giving up my charting (maybe, we’ll see). In a perfect world, I would be open to as many babies as God wants, but my heart is closed to it since there is no sign that I may ever get to stay home w/ my babies. I resent having to send a fourth child off to daycare. I thought for sure being open to babies, God would work things out. I know our family is still young and God may still open that door in the next couple of years, but I want it NOW!

Prior to this pregnancy I had made peace with not having any more babies. DH didn’t want anymore and the only way I was going to have more is if I could stay at home. We have also been wanting to fix up our home and it seems like that will never happen now. I have had a really hard time accepting this pregnancy. I look at my body and think “What the heck are you doing?!”

Really freaked out about this postpartum episode, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. It’s either total abstinence (at least on my part), or appeasing DH in ways that’ll have me in the confessional every week. Been there many times before and I’m not a fan!
 
You’re easily the funniest poster here. Great sense of humor.
 
JLCecilia said:
It’s either total abstinence (at least on my part), or appeasing DH in ways that’ll have me in the confessional every week. Been there many times before and I’m not a fan!
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😦 Would your husband really require you to put your soul at risk like that, just for gratification? Don’t fall into it. Love your husband as God calls us to, and pray that he will return the same love upon you. Don’t lower yourself to a level of sin.
 
Ophelia23 said:
😦 Would your husband really require you to put your soul at risk like that, just for gratification? Don’t fall into it. Love your husband as God calls us to, and pray that he will return the same love upon you. Don’t lower yourself to a level of sin.
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DH very simply doesn’t think in those terms. He doesn’t believe what I believe and even though I’ve expressed my feelings to him, he just doesn’t get it. Abstinence has gotten easier w/ practice - esp. during breastfeeing - but I know there will times of temptation for both of us. I’ll just have to pray daily for the graces to deal with those trying times; they really are fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps, given both of our feelings on the matter of more children, he’ll be more motivated this time at working on this.
 
dshix said:
Funny?
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Take the title of the thread, you don’t expect to read “Yikes” after the mention of an answered prayer, rather you expect “Thank God”, or :extrahappy:. From reading other threads by her, she masters the art of sarcasm. I didn’t mean the whole thing was funny.
 
Just wanted to offer prayers! I am in a similar situation with a contracepting husband (though afaik it’s his sin not mine!) and he also plans to get a vasectomy, though I managed to talk him into having one more child (but he wants to wait a little while… ) It is hard.
 
tapiocapudding said:
Just wanted to offer prayers! I am in a similar situation with a contracepting husband (though afaik it’s his sin not mine!) and he also plans to get a vasectomy, though I managed to talk him into having one more child (but he wants to wait a little while… ) It is hard.
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That’s the angle I’ve had to take on this after many years of really struggling with it. I really believe God knows the desire of my heart to do the right thing and how hard it is to do this even with a fully consenting/participating partner, much more with one who is in complete opposition.
 
Robertanthony said:
Take the title of the thread, you don’t expect to read “Yikes” after the mention of an answered prayer, rather you expect “Thank God”, or :extrahappy:. From reading other threads by her, she masters the art of sarcasm. I didn’t mean the whole thing was funny.
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Ah. 😛
 
Robertanthony said:
Take the title of the thread, you don’t expect to read “Yikes” after the mention of an answered prayer, rather you expect “Thank God”, or :extrahappy:. From reading other threads by her, she masters the art of sarcasm. I didn’t mean the whole thing was funny.
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I understand the post of the OP and also yours. Every poster has their own style and I enjoy the style also of the OP.

Mary.
 
JLCecilia said:
DH has decided once and for all to have a vasectomy after achieving our 4th unplanned pregnancy in our first 7.5 yrs. Naturally, I’ve been praying for him to have a change of heart, but as circumstances go, that isn’t necesary. We just plain can’t afford it right now. So, prayer answered, for now.

To be honest, as opposed to it as I am, I was actually looking forward to a less stressful postpartum phase and planned on giving up my charting (maybe, we’ll see). In a perfect world, I would be open to as many babies as God wants, but my heart is closed to it since there is no sign that I may ever get to stay home w/ my babies. I resent having to send a fourth child off to daycare. I thought for sure being open to babies, God would work things out. I know our family is still young and God may still open that door in the next couple of years, but I want it NOW!

Prior to this pregnancy I had made peace with not having any more babies. DH didn’t want anymore and the only way I was going to have more is if I could stay at home. We have also been wanting to fix up our home and it seems like that will never happen now. I have had a really hard time accepting this pregnancy. I look at my body and think “What the heck are you doing?!”

Really freaked out about this postpartum episode, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. It’s either total abstinence (at least on my part), or appeasing DH in ways that’ll have me in the confessional every week. Been there many times before and I’m not a fan!
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Hi Cecilia,

First off…god bless you for struggling with this. Especially given your circumstances of having a husband who is not on the same page.

My wife and I are having the same discussions. We are both faithful, and truly want to continue following the churches teachings, but after five kids in 8 years of marriage, we are getting tired. 🙂 She is five weeks postpartum now, and I’ve been sleeping on the couch. We lock her door so the other kids don’t bother her sleep (she co-sleeps with the baby), so sometimes I wake up with four kids on the sofa! Haha! I need to work on their sleep routine.

I found the stress was getting really bad. After a week postpartum, I had a massive panic attack - the kind that makes you think you are having a heart attack. I was drinking alot too…not a good way of dealing with my stress, so I went to the doctor and got on some mild anti-depressants. They really helped. I remember after our third, we went through a really really stressful time, and I took them for six months, and they helped me get through some of the worse moments.

To be honest, it isn’t the number of kids that is the problem. It is my lack of self control. I can’t hack the abstinence. Although I am still trying. Our American culture does not help. Perhaps in times long ago, before all these temptations were just a click away, men would have had an easier time gaining that self control, and the catholic teachings about marriage would have been livable. Honestly, I feel like I, a man, am being raped by my own culture. It is toxic to faith and morals.

But my wife and I take it one day at a time. We keep on struggling. We try to keep praying. Really, our kids are wonderful. They are not the problem. It is the culture of death that we live in, where it is truly hard, both socially and financially to live on one income.

I truly believe though, that there will come a time, when people will look back on this age in history and wonder what people were thinking. The church’s teachings some day, hopefully soon, will become self evident again. And the choices that my wife and I have made (and you as well) will be vindicated and perhaps even celebrated.

In the meantime, pray for your husband, love him. He has been generous so far (given that he does not share your faith). And take it one day at a time. Truly, with a big family, you can’t look beyond the “daily bread”. Trust in God to provide. Keep your hope alive. Visit the blessed sacrament (I know it is hard to make the time).

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
God bless,
Ut
 
Ophelia23 said:
😦 Would your husband really require you to put your soul at risk like that, just for gratification? Don’t fall into it. Love your husband as God calls us to, and pray that he will return the same love upon you. Don’t lower yourself to a level of sin.
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I agree…wont that count as permanent contracepting and leave them both permanently in the state of mortal sin until its reversed (priests wont absolve certain sins )?
 
crystal_waters said:
I agree…wont that count as permanent contracepting and leave them both permanently in the state of mortal sin until its reversed (priests wont absolve certain sins )?
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I have struggled with figuring this out and I’ve decide that it is not my sin. I don’t even fully hold DH responsible since faith is a gift he has yet to embrace. I really think it is just fear and ignorance (not in a negative way) that has led him to this decision. Hell, I’M scared! I sometimes blame myself for how things have played out b/c after the 3rd baby in 3.5 we FINALLY had a real talk about NFP and it wasn’t until then that I fully acknowledged that the entire weight of NFP was on my shoulders alone. I know God will hold DH responsible on some level, but, I knew I this was my job for the good of our family. In the 3 years we were able to space out this last pregnancy, I had really made my peace with this. I guess I got overconfident 😛

Ut, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your candid testimony. I could just picture DH sitting across from me saying your very words. It really helped to get a guy’s perspective. Prayers to you and your family! Funny how alike our spacing is!

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. DH mentioned to me this weekend that he will have to re-apply for tuition help for the next semester and has considered using that money for his vasectomy. Don’t ask me how, it’s all legit b/c it’s money we’ll be paying back after he finishes school. I have no doubt, the way things are going, there will be something else more urgent requiring the use of that money.

Please keep up the prayers for BOTH of us.
 
JLCecilia said:
I have struggled with figuring this out and I’ve decide that it is not my sin.
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I am very glad you are able to recognize this. It would be your shared sin if you were to encourage it. But you do not encourage it. You are not responsible for his sin, nor are you required to no longer be intimate with your husband if he makes this decision against your wishes.

Prayers continue for your whole family!
 
Thank you Ophelie. We have discussed the procedure and who’s going to take him and all that. I sort of feel as though taking him myself could be likened to giving a friend a ride to the abortion clinic, but I had to stop myself. He is determined to have it done and he will do it with or without me. Kind of hard to rationalize the money thing since it’s both of our money . . .

I told him I would take him to and from the procedure b/c, even though his family knows about it, I still feel very private about it. Maybe ashamed is a better word. But really, can you imagine your DAD taking you to have your vasectomy? Imagine the opportunity for conversation he would have if his dad or one of his brothers took him! NOT something I want to allow. Not to sound controlling, but the last thing he needs is a pat on the back. I don’t mean to say that I plan on lecturing him b/c at that point it’s senselss, but I hope to be a comforting presence to him. It doesn’t mean I approve, but I feel like his wife of all people should be the one there for him. Can you imagine if he ever retold the whole event how it would sound? “She was so disapproving, she wouldn’t even provide transportation.”

I know it sounds silly, but being there for him in any capacity I’m hoping to be the presence of Jesus to him and perhaps it could serve to soften/open up his return to the faith (as opposed to the condemnation I’ve been a witness to for so long). This is all assuming that he still even wants to have it done after his consultation. For Pete’s sake, he hasn’t even been screened and given the full run-down yet! Lord willing, that could be enough to scare him away. Or, he could have the procedure done, have his reversion and decide later to have it reversed.

It really is in God’s hands and that’s where I plan to leave it, but I’ll still pray for it and ask others to join me.
 
Hi JLCecilia,

I think your reasoning is sound.

I think every man who has a vasectomy deep down inside knows that it is wrong. I mean, how can a person get a part of their bodies removed think that this is normal?

If I were to ever get to that point, it would be out of weakness and fear, and I would go to confession for it the very next day. I don’t think a priest would refuse to give me absolution.

In a way, your presence there with him shows him that mercy from Christ. The same mercy he showed to Mary Magdalene, and to Peter and the other apostles after betraying him, and I’m sure to Judas, if only he had accepted his offer of mercy. I think the only unforgivable sin is not to turn back to God after committing one. Just think of the story of the prodigal son. The father never condemned (or condoned) his son for his actions, but was waiting for him to return, with arms open wide.

Still praying for you and your husband,
Ut

And thank you for your prayers.
 
Bless your heart. You have a lot on your plate. I have been there. I will pray for you and your family. Keep your chin up!
 
Well, after filing paperwork for school funding this next term, there won’t be a dime to spare for the procedure. DH’s dad has offered to pay for the procedure with the understanding that we would pay him back out of our tax return next year. The whole thing hangs over me like a cloud of shame. I’m thinking, “Really, can’t we just abstain for 6 months postpartum (we have before) till we get our tax return and pay for it then on our own?”

The whole thing just feels cheap. DH has finally tracked down a doc nearby who will do the procedure OP in his office, but his policy is to have the consult AND surgery all in one day. I told DH that something doesn’t feel right about that, but I’m not sure at this point that it doesn’t matter. I’m sure DH’s mind is made up, but, for heaven’s sake, they don’t allow people time to think on the information presented and questions asked that don’t necessarily occur to everyone before a visit like this.

I know it’s silly, but the thought still rolls around in the back of my head, perhaps it doesn’t ‘take’ and we end up w/ another surprise. I just hesitate to put a lot of confidence in this procedure and worry for DH’s health since he’s already an unhealthy person and concerned about ‘complications’ coming from an elective procedure. Just the possibility of living w/ a mishap the rest of our marriage b/c the first few years were so challenging.

Still praying on this, but ultimately leaving it in God’s hands. Thanks in advance for prayers/thoughts.
 
JLCecilia said:
DH very simply doesn’t think in those terms. He doesn’t believe what I believe and even though I’ve expressed my feelings to him, he just doesn’t get it.
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As one who is married to a non-believer…

If your hubby is like mine, he probably “gets it” just fine. He simply doesn’t believe it.
 
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