Hello everyone, thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have had counselling before and it was quite helpful when I was working up the courage to say no to him and start the process of disentanglement. I would consider it again but part of me doesn’t want to just go over everything again. The problem really is simple: my Mum, who I adore, is dying and my Dad has been a monumental letdown, set a terrible example and shows no sign of changing his ways. I am unsure how counselling will help? I’m not particularly depressed at the moment, I’m just getting on with things and figuring out a career, etc., but I do feel furious with him and it’s hard to forgive someone who thinks they’ve done nothing wrong and hasn’t asked for forgiveness.
I am of course very, very lonely. I have lots of friends, no girlfriend, and most importantly no home. Also my experiences are unique and there is no-one to share them with.
Prayer helps a lot, as does saying the rosary, and I will continue to do that and asks for God’s guidance. I look forward to having children of my own and being a brilliant father. Families are so complicated!
This reminds me of the line from Crocodile Dundee:
Sue: … I suppose you don’t have any shrinks at Walkabout Creek.
Dundee: Nah - - back there, if you got a problem, you tell Wally. And he tells everyone in town… brings it out in the open… no more problem.
My rule of thumb is that when you have an issue to deal with, whether it is some organic problem with your brain (like clinical depression) or a particularly difficult or unusual set of circumstances beyond the experience of your friends, that’s when it can be useful to go through the effort of finding the right therapist or counselor. Their job is to have a broader understanding of human psychology and human difficulties and to use that to help you find coping skills that you couldn’t necessarily find for yourself without far more suffering than you needed to go through. They may also be helpful in deciding whether you need to find a psychiatrist, because your emotional trial has a medical dimension to it that needs treatment. In your case, yes, I’d think it would be less exhausting if you could find a way to go back to the person who helped you previously, so you don’t have to go back over so much ground you have already toiled your way across with your previous person. (At very least, see if you can get their notes transferred to the new place.)
With ordinary grief or ordinary stresses, you can resort to your friends’ support and your own inner resources. With extraordinary circumstances, it can be useful to get professional help. It is very much like medical problems: you can self-treat a headache or those aches and pains that just require you to give your body the chance to heal itself. There are medical problems, though, like broken bones or certain infections, that will only get worse the longer you put off getting treatment or that will heal badly if not given professional attention. Ask yourself if you have an issue like that. Since you are not depressed and have had experience in therapy, my sense is that you may be the best judge of that, if you take the trouble to really look at yourself on an ongoing basis.
I’d look forward to being the best father you can, and not get into “brilliant.” That is the kind of adjective that comes from your children, in retrospect. When you’re in the middle of parenting, it is enough to be occupied with really just doing the best you can.
On the issue of changing your name, if in doubt I’d wait until you marry. It shouldn’t be hard to look up the rules for your state, though, and use that to help you with your decision. I’d say that the fewer times you have to do it in a lifetime, the better. Your college transcripts and all sorts of other records are in your current name, and it is less hassle to be known by the same name as you always have.
