VERY pushy family member

[Jay417]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family. My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

 

[mountee]

This story sounds familiar to me, just not as extreme. When I lived in the south I encountered many religious people who were not Catholic and expressed many anti-Catholic views, vigorously, like you are experiencing. One time I took a friend who asked to join me to visit my 90 year old great aunt who was a nun living in their senior home. As we approached the home my friend started shouting about Satan and how she saw him hovering over the place. I was so shocked that I asked her to stay outside as my aunt was a sweet, little old Irish lady who had devoted her entire life to being a nun and she would never understand this outburst. My friend told me that Satan had taken over the place I shouldn’t go in, of course I went in but that was it for our friendship. I learned during my time in this place that there were several churches that preached on Sunday how the Catholics needed to be saved and instructed their members to never cease in trying. Honestly, you can only win this one with prayer and patience. If it helps to know you aren’t alone, you are not.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Jay,

Her passion for God is great but when she judges everyone else that does not believe as she does then SHE has issues. If asking her to have respect for others beliefs and such does not work ask her this simple question: “who started her Church?” As you point out she may not want to answer but even then let her know that the person who started the Catholic Church was Simon whom Jesus called Peter meaning the Rock whom he shall build his Church upon.

It may be that she will not change or even make an attempt to at least have respect for others, and unless she wants to change no one will be able to force her to have respect for others.

Winter

 

[TrixieMcGee]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family. My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

She is probably non-denominational and probably Evangelical. Evangelicals tend not to believe that Catholics are Christian. I came from an Evangelical church and they had sermons about the “evils” of Catholicism all the time and talked about how they were Hell-bound. Many people with this upbringing do tend to be a little pushy about their beliefs.

When I started dating my husband (who is a Catholic) my family was not happy at all. My sister and my brother in law went to the associate pastor and his wife (both of whom were close friends of mine) and told them about my “sinful” actions. They knew he was going into the Coast Guard and would be away in a few months for boot camp. They waited until he was gone and started the excommunication process. I was given the choice of either dumping my then fiance and never having anything to do with the Catholic church again, or to be excommunicated, step down from my position in the worship team, and from then on be considered an non-Christian by that Church. I chose to leave that Church and I am now a Catholic.

I know my family was just afraid for my soul and they wanted to see me in Heaven with them. They were afraid of me going to Hell forever. What they did was because they loved me, they just went about it in the wrong way in an act of desperation. They thought it would bring me back and that they were going to save my soul.

I would imagine this family member is the same way. She was probably “brain-washed” (though I don’t know if I would go that far) so to speak against Catholicism and is very afraid for the souls of her family. I understand where she is coming from, I used to believe Catholics are not Christian, and I grew up with non-Christian family members who I feared for their salvation. She just doesn’t know how to go about things and many times people get caught up in the moment. She probably sees how her Pastor/Church leaders talk about Catholicism and she takes the same attitude towards it.

Honestly with my family members it took them seeing that all they did was end up pushing me away from my old faith and make a large rift in our relationship. I really don’t know what to tell you to do, but maybe just tell her that you understand she is just trying to help you ,but her combative behavior is inappropriate and will not work in swaying you from your faith. I don’t know if it will work, but I really don’t know what else you could do.

 

[pete_29]

I would point out that Jesus said This IS My Body and This IS My Blood and ask her why she doesn’t follow the Bible. Of course, I’m a bit of a jerk so you might want to try something more subtle.

 

[EasterJoy]

Now who is going to harm you if you are enthusiastic for what is good? But even if you should suffer because of righteousness, blessed are you. Do not be afraid or terrified with fear of them, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who defame your good conduct in Christ may themselves be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that be the will of God, than for doing evil.
1 Pet. 3:13-17

Do not allow her to get you agitated when she is with you, and do not get agitated about her behavior in general. You may want to look up the Catholic Answers tracts on dealing with Evangelicals, because you may be the one who convinces her that it is she who misunderstands Scriptures, but do not be drawn into heated debates. After all, faith is not passed on through argument, but by example of life. Once you have learned how to give sound answers to the general sort of objections to the Catholic faith that she is likely to have, you would probably do best to stay away from arguments with her. Rather, promise that you will pray for her, and if she says she is praying for you, thank her for that. After all, you are not dealing with an atheist; this problem is still on the ground of a fellow believer who is zealously misinformed.

Above everything else, you must procure tranquility of spirit, not only because it is the mother of contentment but because it is the daughter of the love of God.
–St. Francis de Sales, Letters

 

[Gabriel_Serafin]

Just tell her what Catholics believe. Start by reading the Nicene Creed to her and then proceed to tell her that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior.

 

[Lancer]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family. My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

Here is what I tell people like her…and I have many in my family and circles…:

“…thanks, but I don’t like and I don’t drink Kool-aid…”​

…and then l give no explanation and let them go figure it out…I have yet to have one of them ever approach me again on the subject…we can enjoy many things…work together…dinner and drinks…sports…but their disparaging hard nose Evangelization zeal has a hard lid on it.

I am sure that this is not the best way…but if I let them keep piling it higher and deeper…my reaction will definitely be sinful…so my tactic is to do the lesser of two…sins/evils.

Pax Christi

 

[Bezant]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God.

But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family.

My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

She reminds of a preaching lady I saw the other day who was convinced that David Cameron and Barack Obama are the anti-Christ.

The problem is not really her fanatical views but her harassment, disrespect, and hysterics. There’s also a possibility, from her behaviour, that she has a mental issue; it’s a possibility that depends on a couple circumstances (what was she like before she joined the church, family history of mental issues, etc.) beyond what anyone besides a professional can judge.

My advice: skip talking and set boundaries. While it’s well-intentioned to try to discuss your views with her, as long as she shows disrespect, is a good way to make mutual resentment. Do not open her letters. Make it clear that you love her but you will not tolerate disrespect from her, especially in public or in your home. If she wants to run out of your home carrying on and screaming, make it clear that she can stay out. If you think she’s suffering from a psychological problem, then work with the people closest to her so that she can get the help she needs. Just don’t waste your time becoming agitated or talking needlessly, and make use of forgiveness and prayer. Hopefully she’ll come around.

 

[mab23]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family. My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

tell her to do some research - and dig deep - not just the bible

maybe learn some apologetics 101 - and remind her that telling people they are going to hell is not Christian and she is giving Christians a bad name by doing that

 

[FidesEtRatio]

I live in an area that is dominated by Evangelicals who are full of spit and wind about how Catholics aren’t Christian.

I find the best results are when I rhetorically ask, “Why should I care what a heretic thinks?” Honestly, it’s disheartening to see some Catholics fret over the opinions of other “Christian” denominations. Their criticisms are a logical consequence of their heresy and ignorance.

Yes, I’m suggesting you turn it around and call her out on her heresy. (Obviously, you’re going to need to equip yourself with the necessary apologetic material as to not come off as foolish.)

Don’t give an inch to these insidious people.

 

[bunnykisses88]

oh my! I just read the original post and just want to say that sounds like my MIL to be but 1000x worse! well maybe not that much worse idk but it does bug me sooo much that it feels like she doesn’t think we are christian too or that we don’t love God and Jesus. Or that we need to be lectured…

 

[robwar]

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone. She will not even talk about the possibility that catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly. She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family. My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

that’s too bad. this sound mean but if she can’t stop screaming at you, you will probably have stop having her over or minimize contact to barely nothing. At the moment, she isn’t going to listen to anyone or even read anything you would give her. The best thing is to pray and have others in your family pray for her. While she made her decision to leave the Catholic church and doesn’t believe in it anymore, she is going to have to show respect to others that do and if she can’t handle that and want the scream at all of you then it would be better not to be in touch, pray for her and leave it to God. If she come over again and starts to scream and yell, show her the door and tell her that when she decides to calm down, respect other’s views and discuss differences in a civilized manner that she is going to have to leave. You do not need to put up with this behavior.

 

[houseofsaul]

Avoid this person. Cut her off if you have to. Having different beliefs, be they religious, social, or cultural does not mean you treat someone in this manner. If you can agree to disagree on social events, movies and politics without this kind of antics, you can do the same on religious views.

God Bless.

I had to cut my entire family off, they were so bad it was affecting my health. Still deal with it from time to time, because of my upbringing. Just remember when you start having mixed emotions about a decision you make, there is a difference between guilt and condemnation.

 

[Delaine75]

You cannot rationalize with crazy. Sounds like this woman is beyond talking to if this is her way or reacting to Catholics and crucifixes! Perhaps when someone knows she’s coming, lock the door and pretend you aren’t home because, honestly, doesn’t sound like any sort of conversation is going to get through to her.

 

[JRKH]

Welcome to the forums…You will find much good help here…

Hi all,

for the past few months a family member has been pushing her denomination on everyone. She is going as far coming to the homes of the catholic members of out family and preaching about our hell-bound status. She is involved in a charismatic church but I do not know the denomination and she will not tell anyone.

That right there is a red flag and I would tell her that I have no intention of discussing matters with anyone who is ashamed of the company they keep…

She will not even talk about the possibility that Catholics are also christian. I am at a loss, because I try to be polite and just tell her that as Catholics we are christian and worship the same God. But she will rant and scream over me. It bothers my mother greatly.

A person who screams and yells is not preaching the Gospel. You cannot reason with such a person until they finally exhaust themselves…

She constantly writes letters to all the family either telling them to turn to God (though most are christian just not of her denomination) or telling them to turn from the catholic side of the family.

Since she writes letters…perhaps you might consider doing the same…She can throw your letters out but she cannot yell over them…You could even take her letters, copy them and respond to the various points raised in them. Again - she may ignore your responses…but she can’t shout you down or otherwise disrupt things. If she continues to be bullying in person - then I would apply the very things bolded below.

My wife informed me that she entered our new home a few days ago, but ran out screaming it was unholy because she saw the crucifix by the door and the statue of Our Lady of Grace on the mantle! I just wish she would talk with me, and give us a chance to calm her fears. I do think she is doing this mostly from a sense of fear and ignorance rather than hate. I am open to advice!

Mostly you will just have to let this “fever” run it’s course. I DO believe that letter writing might be the best recourse. Offer to “talk” of these things but only in writing. Explain how upsetting these things are in person and how confusing it can get and that you feel more comfortable doing it via letter or e-mail. Tell her that you would love to discuss her reasons for believing Catholics to not be Christians - but just not in person…This gives her both hope and focus…It allows you to channel the discussion somewhat. AND it keeps emotional outbursts to a minimum…
You might also explain in writing how upsetting these confrontations are for your mom and that is another reason do this privately and in writing.
Plus - writing things down makes it so much harder misunderstand each other…

So - in short - she is providing the opening by her letter writing campaign. Take her up on it…and if she responds positively to your willingness to listen to her in this way…It might resolve a lot of the other problems.

But just keep the Crucifixes and Statues handing - just in case…

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

Avoid this person. Cut her off if you have to. Having different beliefs, be they religious, social, or cultural does not mean you treat someone in this manner. If you can agree to disagree on social events, movies and politics without this kind of antics, you can do the same on religious views.

God Bless.

I had to cut my entire family off, they were so bad it was affecting my health. Still deal with it from time to time, because of my upbringing. Just remember when you start having mixed emotions about a decision you make, there is a difference between guilt and condemnation.

Yes - it may come to this…The only real problem with this is the mother…It can be devilishly hard to get one of them to cut off contact with their child…

Hopefully Jay can get this family member focused on “letter writing” and primarily with himself…that might help until she a) cuts herself off from them, b) runs out of steam, c) actually comes around to accepting that they are Christian and leaving this other church.

Peace
James

 

[houseofsaul]

Yes - it may come to this…The only real problem with this is the mother…It can be devilishly hard to get one of them to cut off contact with their child…

Hopefully Jay can get this family member focused on “letter writing” and primarily with himself…that might help until she a) cuts herself off from them, b) runs out of steam, c) actually comes around to accepting that they are Christian and leaving this other church.

Peace
James

Just as hard as a child having to cut off a parent, as was the case for me. But it was affecting my health and beginning to drain my husband and children.

 

[tabycat]

Sounds like some of the family on my mom’s side, except they fought with each other. My grandmother, the oldest of 7, had one rule when her syblings in her house they had to at, the very least, act civil with each other. With your reltive, write her a loving letter/note saying that as long as she acted civilly in your home she was welcome but if she keeped up her pushyness you will not have her in your home and if she wanted to see you and not change her behavior, you could only see her some place else. At the point, from where I am at, the ball would be in her court. There is a saying I am not very fond of but it may make her think; it is What Would Jesus Do and Say? :angel1::knight1:

 

[Jay417]

Thanks to everyone for their responses, I really appreciate the advice, and the chance to vent.
Luckilly, we do not live close enough for daily or even weekly visits, so the distance helps. The problem mostly arises when the entire family gathers every few months, somehow it turns from a peaceful dinner to a sermon and shout fest lol. The majority of my family are Baptist and honestly could care less what church each other attends. Me, my wife, parents, and inlaws are the Catholic bunch, and we all get along with the Baptist side as well. So as you can imagine this family member is confusing to all of us!

I read a response that mentioned letting the fever run its course, and I sorta feel that could be the case, like once she relaxes and the “new” wears off she may be easier to deal with. I always defend my faith, but I am trying to do it calmly with her, because she is not a hateful person by nature. I pray it does not come to a heated exchange with any of my family. Also, I am glad she is happy with her church. I just want her to realize other people are happy with their churches too.