Veterans - PTSD and Major Depression - Severe

[epan]

Grrrr… I typed a long reply, but lost it when the web site timed out… Here goes again.

I also have PTSD. I have tried to be proactive in dealing with it, and I have improved a lot. I feel for you brother. I also work with vets every day, who are dealing with it in one form or another. I can only share what I have found helps me.

1. I found a group of guys who met weekly. It was a gradual process, but I came to cherish our weekly meetings as a source of sanity and healing. I miss them now, as they are many miles away from where I am. I have not found a similar group here, but I am going to start one myself. If you can’t find one, think about starting one. We met at a church on Saturday mornings. I think they charged us $10 or $15 per meeting for the space.
2. There are drugs which can help a lot with depression. Relieving the brain chemistry part of it can help a lot overall. To do this, you need to find a good psychiatrist who will work with you to find the right combo of drugs. Your regular doctor may just give you a script for the current antidepressant du jour. My experience is that everyone reacts differently to the same psychotropic drugs. Finding the right combination takes some expertise. It is a trial and error process, working with your doctor in a feedback loop to find the right stuff.
3. Don’t neglect the spiritual aspects of recovery. If you don’t have a spiritual advisor, then you might consider seeking one. This can be huge. At least, it is for me.
4. Addictive behaviors. They are avoidance tactics to avoid the pain right now. But they only make matters worse. These can come in many forms. For me, being a workaholic can be one of them. Booze, drugs, adrenalin seeking behavior (thrill seeking), sex, masturbation, gambling, shopping, television, excessive internet use… it is a long list of potential behaviors. I could jump out of airplanes and ride a moto at high speed every day, and I would be grinning ear to ear. But, then I would only be avoiding my own healing process. Keep balance in your life. There is nothing wrong with having fun. But if it is out of balance, take a hard look at it.
5. Friends and family. Do not isolate yourself. Do not be ashamed. When you are down is actually the time to reach out to someone. It is not the time to isolate yourself. Be open, as much as you can, about what is going on with you. One of my most healing rules is… if I don’t want to talk about something, then I make myself talk about it. In every instance, it has turned out to be easier that way, though it seems daunting to contemplate. This simple rule has fundamentally changed all of my relationships to make them more loving and intimate. The human condition is the same for all of us, just with some variations. If you think nobody will understand and empathize with you and support you, then you are wrong. You are thinking that way from a distorted perspective, if that is what you are thinking in the moment.
6. Fatigue. Get enough rest. Personally, I suffer from chronic pain. When I am well rested, and my life is in balance, and I am connected to people… then I can cope with it, even pretty much ignore it. When I am really tired, overworked, exhausted, not getting enough rest… then I am in the pain. When that happens, I can go to a very dark place, remembering traumatic events. Then I don’t want to sleep, to avoid the nightmares, and the cycle gets worse. This is when I am the most vulnerable to potentially addictive behaviors, just to zone out.
7. Individual psychotherapy. Find a good therapist. One that you are compatible with. Unfortunately, this can be expensive. You might ask the advice of a priest in this. VA’s vary a lot. Check out all of them close to you. My experience is the ones associated with university medical centers tend to be the best. If you have private insurance, the best ones usually cover six months per calendar year. So, one trick is to start July 1 in a year, and put both six months back to back for a full year. Don’t underestimate how helpful this can be with the right therapist, who is an expert and your therapeutic ally to sort through this stuff.
8. See if there is a good vet center near you. They sometimes have individual therapists, and sometimes have groups that meet.

I hope that some if these ideas are helpful. All of them have really helped me.

 

[epan]

Oh… and one more thing.

Unfortunately, with all of our medical systems, we need to be our own advocate. Stand up for yourself and insist on the treatment you need. The last time a doctor did not want to give me the medical care I wanted, I just asked him a simple question. “What do you think the highest standard of care would be in this case?” I was not confrontative at all. I just called him on his professional ethics, as opposed to controlling costs. He decided to be professional when reminded of that.

But that is an anecdote. Don’t be passive in seeking help. If you do that, then you will become a cost to be minimized in any system. Seek and get help.

 

[epan]

oldcatholicguy
Thanks again. I was wondering if I should procure an attorney. It sounds so bazaar when you have to get an attorney to be treated fair. I’m looking for one now. I didn’t know where to find one of those organizations like VFW until the day I submitted my paperwork. Would it help to see them now?

As has been mentioned, there are vet advocates. I know a couple of them. They can cut through the red tape and bureaucracy to get you your benefits. PM me if you want contact info.

 

[Samson01]

I hated doing it too (applying for SS). Best thing I did though. The sad truth is that the our government really doesn’t give a flying blank about vets. My SSD is pretty close to being equal to my retirement pay and VA compensation combined. Your best bet is to get a “no win, no pay” lawyer who specializes in SS cases. I tried to do it without one and ended up having to hire one. Make sure the lawyer has any children you have covered in your claim. I get assistance for mine through it.

Have you contacted a vet group (like VFW, Disabled Vets, etc) for help with dealing with the VA? If not, do so. They might also be able to tell you if you have a strong enough case to get your military retirement (or lack of) changed. If the VA rated you 100% for PTSD first time through, there should be enough there for either a vet group or lawyer to work with.

Also, make sure your family gets some education on PTSD and how it affects you. My marriage almost fell apart due to how PTSD affected me and how those affects affect my wife. Luckly we worked through it and I was able to bring her to a couple of sessions with my social worker and get her some books on the subject.

Lastly, one of the dirty little tricks the VA pulls is to only let people have access to their useless “1-800 wait 2 hours for a computer to talk to you” telephone number. The way around this is to contact your congressman’s office, ask to speak to the person who handles the VA and have that person contact the VA Congressional Liaison Officer and have them call you (for some reason no one is “authorized” to give out the liaison officer’s number so you have to leave a message for him/her). It might take a couple of days for the LO to call you back, but it cuts through a lot of BS.

I got a lawyer and we went before a Fed. Judge in ruling on a disibility. I got two years retro pay, but the judge commented that he was glad I was cured now…lol. Once a fed. judge rules on a case…it sticks and your sunk after. Beware of making deals with “win, win” lawyers. Tim

 

[oldcatholicguy]

I got a lawyer and we went before a Fed. Judge in ruling on a disibility. I got two years retro pay, but the judge commented that he was glad I was cured now…lol. Once a fed. judge rules on a case…it sticks and your sunk after. Beware of making deals with “win, win” lawyers. Tim

Wow. Yeah, I guess I was lucky in that the law firm I went through was local (only works in a portion of my state) and therefore didn’t want to earn a bad rep by being “win at the cost of the client.”

 

[Samson01]

Wow. Yeah, I guess I was lucky in that the law firm I went through was local (only works in a portion of my state) and therefore didn’t want to earn a bad rep by being “win at the cost of the client.”

I was pretty sick. My depression went into psychosis and I was patroling my property with an AK on some mornings…looking for signs of someone being there, watching my house. It was also religous in nature and I refused to “ham it up” as the lawyer proposed during the hearing. I felt like I was selling out Jesus for a bag of coins…not a fun time. Healing started to come as I was talking with one confessor and taking his advice to seek it “mind, body and spirit” and to push my comfort zones regarding the seclusion I had wrapped myself in. Thankfully, things didn’t get too out of hand before I realized I needed help, but my career took a big hit. Tim

 

[Samson01]

pmim.org/

 

[joanofarc2008]

I got a lawyer and we went before a Fed. Judge in ruling on a disibility. I got two years retro pay, but the judge commented that he was glad I was cured now…lol. Once a fed. judge rules on a case…it sticks and your sunk after. Beware of making deals with “win, win” lawyers. Tim

Hate to tell you the process is the same with or without a lawyer. Most veterans service organizations have lawyers that deal with appeals when they go to BVA or the Court of Veteran Appeals. But getting two years of back pay is something that should be avoided if one can handle the case correctly up front. Granted sometimes there are bad decisions but I will still stand behind the fact that a VSO has a much better chance of a successful appeal when this is all they do then a lawyer in private practice.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I should have figured that out. But I can’t think clear when trying to deal with this crud. It’s like my mind rushes away from it trying not to think about it while being stalked by it. If that makes sense. I wish I had help initially. I received a letter in the mail and took the entire 30 days to research and still came up feeling crazy. I submitted a file of papers related to my treatment throughout the years, some which I could not find diagnosis. But the packet was nearly an inch think with all pertinent information. How someone didn’t correctly diagnose me is still beyond my comprehension. I have to admit I always suspected that I had at least something similar. I’m triggering now… and can’t stop the feeling of being crushed all over again. It takes me enormous amounts of time to work through it… posting it is difficulty. I disconnect my mind form my body and drift into hell… the abyss. I would love to work, but I finally hit the end of my rope in February 2010 when I jumped down my new boss’s throat over something insulting about my kids. But I think I’ve been hiding behind my kids to cover up my illness. I’ve looked and have not been able to procure a job, even a little job, since my last one nearly 10 years ago. I just can’t seem to hide this anymore. I’m in school on the graduate level for education, but I can barely get through because of it and I think I’m only making it because of the accommodations required by law for persons with disabilities. I get extra time, isolated places to take exams, and extra time to do projects. I think that speaks for itself. This sounds lame, but at this point I’d be happy getting a part-time job teaching in a community college or public school. I’m avoiding the stress of high school students by getting certified in the lower age ranges since kids don’t trigger me. I’m afraid I may have jumped into this program and won’t be able to do the job intended. I believe principals would fear hiring me because of my disabilities and I feel a moral obligation to let a potential boss know about it and what it does to me. … I am addicted to distraction. I can’t sleep well without knocking myself out. I blamed it on the pain forever, but now I see that it’s the psychology of it all along with the pain. Does anyone have phantom pains? Could I be imagining the pain? It certainly feels real. I’ll stop and wait for your reply. I wish someone could hand walk me through this because I’m bound to mess it up on my own.

Most likely what you were responding to was the standard VCAA letter that is sent to everyone. It is computer generated. Your did a lot of the leg work and that is good. Your best bet now is to get an advocate that will go look at your file and find what is missing so that your searches are a little less tiresome. Please feel free to PM me if you need and I can help you get in touch with someone in your area.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

Grrrr… I typed a long reply, but lost it when the web site timed out… Here goes again.

I also have PTSD. I have tried to be proactive in dealing with it, and I have improved a lot. I feel for you brother. I also work with vets every day, who are dealing with it in one form or another. I can only share what I have found helps me.

1. I found a group of guys who met weekly. It was a gradual process, but I came to cherish our weekly meetings as a source of sanity and healing. I miss them now, as they are many miles away from where I am. I have not found a similar group here, but I am going to start one myself. If you can’t find one, think about starting one. We met at a church on Saturday mornings. I think they charged us $10 or $15 per meeting for the space.
2. There are drugs which can help a lot with depression. Relieving the brain chemistry part of it can help a lot overall. To do this, you need to find a good psychiatrist who will work with you to find the right combo of drugs. Your regular doctor may just give you a script for the current antidepressant du jour. My experience is that everyone reacts differently to the same psychotropic drugs. Finding the right combination takes some expertise. It is a trial and error process, working with your doctor in a feedback loop to find the right stuff.
3. Don’t neglect the spiritual aspects of recovery. If you don’t have a spiritual advisor, then you might consider seeking one. This can be huge. At least, it is for me.
4. Addictive behaviors. They are avoidance tactics to avoid the pain right now. But they only make matters worse. These can come in many forms. For me, being a workaholic can be one of them. Booze, drugs, adrenalin seeking behavior (thrill seeking), sex, masturbation, gambling, shopping, television, excessive internet use… it is a long list of potential behaviors. I could jump out of airplanes and ride a moto at high speed every day, and I would be grinning ear to ear. But, then I would only be avoiding my own healing process. Keep balance in your life. There is nothing wrong with having fun. But if it is out of balance, take a hard look at it.
5. Friends and family. Do not isolate yourself. Do not be ashamed. When you are down is actually the time to reach out to someone. It is not the time to isolate yourself. Be open, as much as you can, about what is going on with you. One of my most healing rules is… if I don’t want to talk about something, then I make myself talk about it. In every instance, it has turned out to be easier that way, though it seems daunting to contemplate. This simple rule has fundamentally changed all of my relationships to make them more loving and intimate. The human condition is the same for all of us, just with some variations. If you think nobody will understand and empathize with you and support you, then you are wrong. You are thinking that way from a distorted perspective, if that is what you are thinking in the moment.
6. Fatigue. Get enough rest. Personally, I suffer from chronic pain. When I am well rested, and my life is in balance, and I am connected to people… then I can cope with it, even pretty much ignore it. When I am really tired, overworked, exhausted, not getting enough rest… then I am in the pain. When that happens, I can go to a very dark place, remembering traumatic events. Then I don’t want to sleep, to avoid the nightmares, and the cycle gets worse. This is when I am the most vulnerable to potentially addictive behaviors, just to zone out.
7. Individual psychotherapy. Find a good therapist. One that you are compatible with. Unfortunately, this can be expensive. You might ask the advice of a priest in this. VA’s vary a lot. Check out all of them close to you. My experience is the ones associated with university medical centers tend to be the best. If you have private insurance, the best ones usually cover six months per calendar year. So, one trick is to start July 1 in a year, and put both six months back to back for a full year. Don’t underestimate how helpful this can be with the right therapist, who is an expert and your therapeutic ally to sort through this stuff.
8. See if there is a good vet center near you. They sometimes have individual therapists, and sometimes have groups that meet.

I hope that some if these ideas are helpful. All of them have really helped me.

Good advice.

Reference PTSD. It seems the VA is handing out this DX pretty quickly these days. I know more than a handful of fellow vets who’ve been DXed. One like the other poster above, was on a ship.

Good luck to all.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

I agree, great advice. The problem is that I don’t have a family other than my wife who also has PTSD because of some *#A@& I want to take out one day. At least that’s how I feel about it. Don’t worry, I have read that that is the worst thing I could do for her. My family is of no use. My parents and a brother are dead. The only one living is a playboy, very selfish, brother that got everything from mom when she died, disowning the white sheep of the family. That’s one of the many reasons I joined the Army in the first place - no support. I’m glad I had the privilege of serving. I even volunteered for war, that is before I had a major breakdown.

We can’ t afford to use the insurance we have now, how in the world can someone be expected to get the help they need when they can’t afford it? My only choice is to try to get 100% coverage so that I can work through this until I can hopefully get back on my feet. But after all these years and its’ only gotten worse. It seems that I’m waste and better off dead to my family because at least they can collect social security since they are mostly minors. My oldest turns 18 tomorrow. I hope I didn’t ruin him with all this baggage. Yes, I worry about how this has affected every aspect of my life and children. My wife needs me as much as I need her. But she can’t provide the kind of sane support I need. The DAV seems my best choice or to take up a friend of mine’s connection in the VA that helps him. He’s not only retired but also disabled and trying to step it up more. His wife is a vigilant activist for Vets getting support and to take disability help when they deserve it.

Spiritually, there are other issues in play that I don’t talk about because I don’t want to be accused of concealing it and the VA trying to blame this on that, when I know it was the Army accident. I still hear the yelling and screaming and begin scared out of my mind. Higher ranking men scared the heck out of me and I depended so much on the Army College Fund/GI Bill that I feared losing it all the way through after this incident. It never dawned on me that I could have filed for disability then. But as many of you know already, to do so would have brought on so much abuse that at that stage I couldn’t handle. I had already seen a soldier in my basic training die and the the men in that jeep that were run over by the Abrams tank. That scared the *UY(O#)U# out of me by this time. The accident made me hypervigilant about everything. My understanding about biology is that its plausible that the long term effects of being heightened like that can and does have adverse effects on the brain. In other words, I have little if any confidence that I’ll actually recover. And I actually hope I die soon so that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. This is what I don’t tell my wife or others around me because then they’ll get all over my case and shut me down, even though the thoughts are still there. I’m trying to get help already. But finances are extremely limited now since my wife is now experiencing a physical disability but has managed to keep her job teaching. I had to spend money on a scooter and other helpful effects so that she can continue functioning.

I’m not sure i understand DXing in the way you’re using it. I had to DX the damaged magazines, canteen and Web gear. I was surprised that my mask survived it, but it was strapped to my leg, not my side. Thank God I didn’t strap on a knife like some of the guys do. Gotta go, gets hard talking about.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

As has been mentioned, there are vet advocates. I know a couple of them. They can cut through the red tape and bureaucracy to get you your benefits. PM me if you want contact info.

Does this really help. Every time I’ve tried to utilize someone’s contact in the past it turned out to be a pointless endeavor. But I am willing to try. I’ll PM you.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Does this really help. Every time I’ve tried to utilize someone’s contact in the past it turned out to be a pointless endeavor. But I am willing to try. I’ll PM you.

Yes it does. Assuming you have a good one. Ask around and get a good one. Like I said you really want to be represented directly by an accredited service officer, this would be one that has access into the VA systems.

 

[tl_rbnsn]

New to the site and partly joined because of this thread.

I served 12 years in the Reserves, Air Force Reserve and Air National Guard. Deployed to Balad AB in 2005 and didn’t think I was messed up because all we had was daily mortar attacks you could almost set your watch by and I volunteered some with the CASF. Upon return, minor issues flared up and in two years I no longer have my faith and was getting fired from my job because of “disagreeableness”. Before Iraq, I was easy going, got along with everyone, and no trouble sleeping. After, well the whole range for PTSD. Mine is mild, but the VA stated to me when I went for eval and treatment, “You have PTSD symptoms but we aren’t going to diagnose you with PTSD. You can see one of our counselor.” Yeah, counseling was going to cost me $15 a pop because I had insurance WHEN I had a job. I blew that off, went back to college and used the school’s counselor’s who tend to be certified with PTSD and Trauma. Plus, you don’t have to wait a month between appointments. It is limited/brief counseling. I’ve been using this method to manage.

It has been rough. I reached a point where I was angry with God and couldn’t get past it. I was suicidal, had suicidal ideation, severely depressed and having frequent anxiety attacks, not sleeping and not eating. I went on an ACTS Retreat and ran smack dab into the God I had been running from. I found what I needed to get moving to the next stage of discovering I had PTSD and dealing with it. Where the symptoms were running my life before, I learned through counseling, prayer, and developing a support system in my church/ACTS Community (I don’t have family around) that PTSD didn’t have to ruin my life nor run it. It DOES affect my life and it takes a lot of work and a lot out of me, but my new Catholic faith is providing me a lot in being able to cope.

Do what you gotta do, I say. When I first started I feared I could never find or even be anything like the person I use to be before Iraq. While I can’t go back to being that person, I find a lot of them in me now. That for me is victory.

God Bless!
TL

 

[oldcatholicguy]

“and didn’t think I was messed up because all we had was daily mortar attacks you could almost set your watch by”

This jumped out at me. Talking with other vets I’ve found it’s rather common for us to minimize the risks we faced in the service and to not think we might have PTSD. It wasn’t until my VA social worker walked me through the risks I faced over there that I realized why the VA was telling me I had PTSD and why I needed treatment. Before that I figured that mortaring, traveling through IED hotspots, living outside the wire, patrolling, hearing small arms from units in contact, etc was just standard stuff that no one could possibly get PTSD from. I thought the only people who got PTSD were the guys that actually got shot at or survived an IED.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

I agree, great advice. The problem is that I don’t have a family other than my wife who also has PTSD because of some *#A@& I want to take out one day. At least that’s how I feel about it. Don’t worry, I have read that that is the worst thing I could do for her. My family is of no use. My parents and a brother are dead. The only one living is a playboy, very selfish, brother that got everything from mom when she died, disowning the white sheep of the family. That’s one of the many reasons I joined the Army in the first place - no support. I’m glad I had the privilege of serving. I even volunteered for war, that is before I had a major breakdown.

We can’ t afford to use the insurance we have now, how in the world can someone be expected to get the help they need when they can’t afford it? My only choice is to try to get 100% coverage so that I can work through this until I can hopefully get back on my feet. But after all these years and its’ only gotten worse. It seems that I’m waste and better off dead to my family because at least they can collect social security since they are mostly minors. My oldest turns 18 tomorrow. I hope I didn’t ruin him with all this baggage. Yes, I worry about how this has affected every aspect of my life and children. My wife needs me as much as I need her. But she can’t provide the kind of sane support I need. The DAV seems my best choice or to take up a friend of mine’s connection in the VA that helps him. He’s not only retired but also disabled and trying to step it up more. His wife is a vigilant activist for Vets getting support and to take disability help when they deserve it.

Spiritually, there are other issues in play that I don’t talk about because I don’t want to be accused of concealing it and the VA trying to blame this on that, when I know it was the Army accident. I still hear the yelling and screaming and begin scared out of my mind. Higher ranking men scared the heck out of me and I depended so much on the Army College Fund/GI Bill that I feared losing it all the way through after this incident. It never dawned on me that I could have filed for disability then. But as many of you know already, to do so would have brought on so much abuse that at that stage I couldn’t handle. I had already seen a soldier in my basic training die and the the men in that jeep that were run over by the Abrams tank. That scared the *UY(O#)U# out of me by this time. The accident made me hypervigilant about everything. My understanding about biology is that its plausible that the long term effects of being heightened like that can and does have adverse effects on the brain. In other words, I have little if any confidence that I’ll actually recover. And I actually hope I die soon so that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. This is what I don’t tell my wife or others around me because then they’ll get all over my case and shut me down, even though the thoughts are still there. I’m trying to get help already. But finances are extremely limited now since my wife is now experiencing a physical disability but has managed to keep her job teaching. I had to spend money on a scooter and other helpful effects so that she can continue functioning.

I’m not sure i understand DXing in the way you’re using it. I had to DX the damaged magazines, canteen and Web gear. I was surprised that my mask survived it, but it was strapped to my leg, not my side. Thank God I didn’t strap on a knife like some of the guys do. Gotta go, gets hard talking about.

Sorry. You’re remembering DX (direct exchange). Now we use DX as shorthand for Diagnosis.

Your idea to talk to a D.A.V. service officer is a good one.

Good luck!

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

Sorry. You’re remembering DX (direct exchange). Now we use DX as shorthand for Diagnosis.

Your idea to talk to a D.A.V. service officer is a good one.

Good luck!

LOL

Thanks.

I noticed that others felt the same way I did about PTSD. In fact, reading some of these stories is like reading about myself. That’s what I was in essence hoping to find out… that I’m not imagining this for some bazaar reason. Not to offend anyone, which I’m pretty good at doing these days, I feel like I’ve paid my dues before and since and considering my age and hopes, I feel like I do deserve the help. I’ve worked productive jobs and have worked in government for most of that time. My skills are hard to come by, but I find that it’s getting more difficult since I’ve been running away from the problems far too long. Looking back, I certainly see how I’ve reacted and never did understand why I would immediately mentally be in that bad place between two military vehicles crushing me during conflicts at work or even in the family.

 

[OLofMtCarmel]

I noticed someone describing harmful things trying to destract themselves. I know I do the same thing, bu am way too embarrassed and ashamed to admit openly. I’ve discussed this with my confessor, and he’s told me that what I’ve been doing is not a spiritual thing but rather a physical (insinuating mental health issue). Why has it take so long for this to finally rise to the top of becoming self destructive behavior? This I don’t get, but I feel possessed sometimes, but know I’m not. There may be multiple things that have risen that triggered me. I think that people I perceive as in positions of authority really trigger me now. I say this because when I returned to the Catholic Church just after my hospitalization, I began feeling the pain agains from before I left, which was while I was on active duty. The fundamentlaist faith I grabbed onto of my wife’s was an out for me from the pain… at least for a short while. Admitting I had a problem in that group was a “no go.” That would have made life much more difficult. My wife had the same problem as do many other converts from that faith have admitted. SO, my unprofessional assessment off the cuff is that I forced my pain down deep and it wasn’t until I became incapacitated followed by hospitalization that opened the doors wide open. Now, my anxieties are constant, rarely and relief. The pain combined with frequent migraines make death sound appealing to me far too often. I don’t want to take my life, but my goodness it’s hard to fight those feelings. I wish I had a regular spiritual director i can trust. The last one made a pass on me, which is why I left the seminary. I’ve gotten in contact with a few of the seminarians of that era and some of them are practicing homosexuals. One is a good man, a priest. But I don’t want to use him for that position. I need someone I can trust. If the priest did this to me I would have no choice but to file a suit against the diocese where he resided, and left later then admitted his wrong doing. But I’ve avoided that forever. My life wasn’t in danger. It disturbed me. I never reacted against the Church until after my accident, which I still believe is responsible for my condition today. But I don’t dare allow the VA to learn about this lest they use it against me, with the anti-Catholic mentality of the country. One lady after mass handed me her card for legal representation for my case, which I found very odd and disturbing as well. Maybe its the repeated harm inflicted on me from that point onward that accumulated and then made me snap in the Army that causes this to be so serious. I fear no one will take me serious, since I have a way of trying to make things sound lighter than they really are to hide.
Feed back anyone?