Victorian Ball Agony - Advice Please?

[lovedance4ever]

I realize this is not a huge problem in the big picture, but this situation is truly bugging me, and I am afraid that I am going to go bonkers before it is all over with.

So I used to be an American Civil War re-enactor, but I quit after a couple of years for various reasons. However, I am still friendly with a couple of the women, and every year (or almost every year), I try to attend the Victorian Ball. It is an elegant event and a fun time….well, at least I think it is. You see, every time I’ve gone, I have never been able to enjoy myself. The first time, I went with my father when I was fifteen back in 2008. My dad was unable to dance, and I got stuck dancing all night with a female soldier.

The second time I went was in 2010. This time, I was encouraged to go with a guy who ended up being vulgar and who had a nasty attitude about others. He refused to dance with me, insisting that he needed to “guard” the venue from “the Rebs.”

This year, I decided to invite a very dear friend who I consider to be my little sister. She is fifteen, extremely mature for her age (not to mention a good Catholic girl), and I thought she would do very well at this kind of an event. I truly believed that this time, things would be different.

Her mother, who truly is a sweet lady, took it upon herself to change things around for me. She decided that we needed to be escorted by two guys. She said that we would have to encourage their two friends to go; one is in his mid to late twenties, and the other is forty years old. Both men are single. I felt a bit awkward about this, since I barely know the forty year old, and have no idea who the younger of the two is. But she still insisted this would be a good idea.

To try to shorten this as much as possible, the younger guy said no, but they pressured the other guy (I will refer to him as John) into going. Granted, he is a good sport and a wonderful gentleman from what I have seen, but having him escort two girls, one nineteen and the other fifteen, to a ball is kind of ridiculous, in my opinion.

After she pushed for all of this, she told me that I would need to find another guy to go because we “wouldn’t want John to feel awkward,” which is EXACTLY what I said in the first place when she came up with this brilliant idea.

Now, the ball is next week, and I told them that this Sunday the 17th was the deadline to find someone else, because my friend who is in charge of the ball gave us a discount, and I did not want to change things around anymore than I already had (there is so much more that happened that I am not writing about).

Finally, today I called up and asked if she had had any luck looking for another male partner for us (because she said she would look for another young man at her church). She told me that she did not even try, but that I should not worry about John feeling awkward.

I found this strange, as that was not her attitude when I spoke to her yesterday. She then went on to tell me that my job at this ball was to find a lady for John. She said, “You mustn’t think of yourself,” and “You will be the one working, John doesn’t have to do anything.”

My jaw dropped. I am nineteen years old, and I am responsible for finding a date for a forty year old man? He is extremely handsome; I do not think he will have a difficult time finding anyone on his own! But she went on insisting about this, like I am some sort of dating service.

I do not attract men. I have been on two dates at best in my life. And yet, I would make a good matchmaker?

I am going crazy….I do not even think I can fully get across how frustrated I really am.
The ball is this Saturday. If anyone has any ideas about how to cope with all of this, I would greatly appreciate it. Prayers are welcome as well; not for me, but for the poor souls who will have to encounter me all week.

 

[Evania]

I can understand the escort part, but I find it odd that she chose a single man in their 40’s that you don’t know to be the escort…Her requests are bizarre, and if they make you feel uncomfortable, than you should tell her “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable in doing that.” It’s inappropriate to expect you to find a “nice lady” for a grown gentleman. This is just weird…

 

[Aggies08]

“I’m sorry, that will not be possible.” Repeat, change subject. You don’t need to explain why, or try to justify it- this just gives her reason to argue with you.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I don’t know her so I may be wrong, but this lady strikes me as:

• a busybody
• pushy
• manipulative
• uncaring about your feelings
• and possibly downright creepy. (In that she seems to care more about the men having a good time than the comfort and safety of you two young women, one of whom is her own daughter! )

Therefore, it’s not difficult at all for me to imagine how uncomfortable and stressed you must feel. You do not owe this lady anything. Where are your parents in all of this? Even though you are 19, can they not back you up a bit in detaching from this lady? If that feels too much like regressing to girlhood, then you really should screw up your courage and confront this woman AS a woman, and privately, not in the presence of her daughter.

Tell her how you really feel, and how much anxiety this is causing you. Given her track record in this situation thus far, it’s a fair guess she will probably get defensive and try to put it back on you. So be prepared for that. Perhaps suggest that if she doesn’t stop insisting on her plan, you will rescind the invitation. Better hurt feelings - better even being out the price of a ticket or two - with your sanity and safety intact, than the alternative. Believe me, there’s a time to cut your losses and get out - and after the drama and upset is past, you’ll look back and be glad you did, if that was the right thing to do.

Here is a resource on basic assertiveness - breakoutofthebox.com/LouisianaStateAssertivenessSummary.pdf

Another on how to set boundaries - all-things-conflict-resolution-and-adr.com/All-Things-Setting-Boundaries.htmlas

Use either or both resource, needed depending on the severity of your situation. Trust your gut feeling - if something doesn’t feel right, you are probably picking up “red flags” even if only subconsciously.

If even those don’t seem to help, you may be dealing with an “emotional blackmailer” which is when the manipulation gets so heavy-duty that it crosses the line into abusiveness. For that, you’ll need to bring out the big guns - try this: amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

And let’s not forget the importance of prayer either in resolving conflicts such as this. Pope John XXIII used to ask his Guardian Angel to go have a talk with the opponent’s Guardian Angel before a difficult encounter! :angel1::angel1: Pray to God for wisdom and guidance; ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words at the right time.

 

[3DOCTORS]

P.S. - meant to add this to my previous post - my Mom used to tell me, “Your friends don’t need an explanation, and your enemies don’t deserve one!”

 

[Anglewannabe]

I would IMMEDIATELY get your parents for help on this one and if need be get your mom or dad to call and say

‘My daughter would love if your daughter could join her but NO JOHN !’

First, at best this woman is an idiot thinking teenagers can find a date the only for a 40 year old. Second she is weird to put her own daughter in this situation. And lastly, the only reason ‘John’ agreed to this is well… let’s say the same reason he should not be allowed within 50 feet of a teenage girl!

Please, forget how horrible this woman is making you feel and think about your safety !

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I would IMMEDIATELY get your parents for help on this one and if need be get your mom or dad to call and say

‘My daughter would love if your daughter could join her but NO JOHN !’

First, at best this woman is an idiot thinking teenagers can find a date the only for a 40 year old. Second she is weird to put her own daughter in this situation. And lastly, the only reason ‘John’ agreed to this is well… let’s say the same reason he should not be allowed within 50 feet of a teenage girl!

Please, forget how horrible this woman is making you feel and think about your safety !

I totally agree with this. In my opinion, it is beyond disturbing to have a 40 year old man escorting two teenagers (unless he’s their father, or something). The fact that this woman is trying to manipulate you into not only taking him but also fixing him up is also extraordinarily bizarre. I would be firm, and I encourage you to stand your ground on this. Let this lady know that you invited her daughter with you because she is your friend; you did not invite this man. He’s an adult; if he wants/needs a date that badly, I am sure he can figure out a better way than tagging along with teenagers.

 

[Bill_Martin]

Tell her no. It’s ridiculous to ask you to do this, and even more ridiculous for her to think she has the authority to make it your “job” at this event. You are going there to have fun, not to operate a dating service.

 

[Bill_Martin]

After reading this again, it seems even more bizarre. Tell her you are not only not going to find a date for a 40 year old stranger, you’re not going with him at all.

She says you don’t have to worry about him feeling awkward. Well, any 40 year old man who does not feel awkward escorting two teenage girls whom he does not know to a ball has some serious problems and is not the kind of person you want to be with, much less for a night alone. And if she was just saying that to make you feel pressured to go with him, then this guy *will *feel awkward–and probably doesn’t want to go either. You say he was pressured into it himself.

He’s either a pervert or doesn’t really want to go without someone of the same age. Either way, not going with him is the right call. You are completely in the right here to tell this woman in no uncertain terms that her request is ridiculous, the idea that she can regulate your activities by assigning tasks to you is nonsensical, and that going to a ball with a stranger twice your age when you don’t want to is lunacy.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Plus she’s already made it quite evident she doesn’t give a hoot whether or not you feel awkward . . .

 

[chevalier]

I can understand the escort part, but I find it odd that she chose a single man in their 40’s that you don’t know to be the escort…Her requests are bizarre, and if they make you feel uncomfortable, than you should tell her “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable in doing that.” It’s inappropriate to expect you to find a “nice lady” for a grown gentleman. This is just weird…

“I’m sorry, that will not be possible.” Repeat, change subject. You don’t need to explain why, or try to justify it- this just gives her reason to argue with you.

+1

(While the request may be in good faith from someone who just can’t see the problem. We often can’t see problems we’re creating for others. Everybody has a couple of self-esteem savers like this, else we’d feel pretty bad about ourselves. There’s no need to go on about how the request is odd or bizarre but you can mention it makes you feel that way and at any rate you won’t be doing it.)

She says you don’t have to worry about him feeling awkward. Well, any 40 year old man who does not feel awkward escorting two teenage girls whom he does not know to a ball has some serious problems and is not the kind of person you want to be with, much less for a night alone. And if she was just saying that to make you feel pressured to go with him, then this guy *will *feel awkward–and probably doesn’t want to go either. You say he was pressured into it himself.

I’m 30 and I’d feel awkward escorting someone in early teens much less 19, unless family or friend or so, in a situation like described.

I suppose for someone with more traditional upbringing this might be less awkward actually. Escorting used to be a pretty huge part of social habits and social etiquette and a lot of things we began to fuss about in 20th century were not actually fussed about under the old rules. At any rate, the person making those requests seems to be in need of external perspective. Sometimes it’s hard to realise how awkward your own ideas are until people start telling you.

 

[Evania]

+1

(While the request may be in good faith from someone who just can’t see the problem. We often can’t see problems we’re creating for others. Everybody has a couple of self-esteem savers like this, else we’d feel pretty bad about ourselves. There’s no need to go on about how the request is odd or bizarre but you can mention it makes you feel that way and at any rate you won’t be doing it.)

I’m 30 and I’d feel awkward escorting someone in early teens much less 19, unless family or friend or so, in a situation like described.

I suppose for someone with more traditional upbringing this might be less awkward actually. Escorting used to be a pretty huge part of social habits and social etiquette and a lot of things we began to fuss about in 20th century were not actually fussed about under the old rules. At any rate, the person making those requests seems to be in need of external perspective. Sometimes it’s hard to realise how awkward your own ideas are until people start telling you.

It is bizarre that this woman expects a strange man that this girl doesn’t know to be her escort. There’s nothing wrong with having an escort per say, but the woman’s demands are over the top. Traditionally, this wasn’t a job of complete strangers, so yes I would imagine this scenario would be uncomfortable even back before the 20th century. To the OP: Do you have any relatives that would be willing to go instead?

 

[HoosMommie]

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to this ball with a 40-year-old man you don’t know. Period. Stand up to this woman and tell her flat out it ain’t gonna happen. The word “NO” is a very powerful word. Then go to the ball and have fun!

 

[Luvz2travel]

1. You should not be going to a dance with a 40 year old guy you don’t know. That sounds creepy not to mention what will people think. Especially a 40 year old guy with teenagers. Sorry that’s just creepy and you should tell her so. If he was a family friend, brother, father or cousin it might be different but someone you don’t know that sounds like a set up to me.
2. If this lady wants him to go so bad she should go with him herself at a friend or chaparone. I have a suspician she sort of likes him in some way and is maybe porcuring for him on some weird subconsciences level.
3. Don’t let her bully you just tell her no and if she keeps after you for more just say you don’t feel comfortable going with a man you don’t know who is old enought to be your father and you feel it’s creepy. Any more than that is not necessary. Maybe ask around amoung you friends if there any guy friends who would go with you as friends. I have the same issue guys don’t seem attracted to me either unless I’m not interested in them at all then sometimes they make a pass but older guys my fathers age have always creeped me out.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to this ball with a 40-year-old man you don’t know. Period. Stand up to this woman and tell her flat out it ain’t gonna happen. The word “NO” is a very powerful word. Then go to the ball and have fun!

And though you don’t owe her an explanation, you might give her a puzzled look and say “It sure does seem awfully important to you that this 40-year-old man gets a chance to escort unrelated teenagers . . . I wonder why that is?” :ehh: Turn it back on her. Then walk away.

 

[PatriceA]

I think at this point, I would just not go to the ball. You said in your OP that you haven’t really had a good time in all the years you have gone and this sounds beyond creepy this year. It would be different if you had had a great time in the past at this event, but it sounds like it is more grief than its worth to go. I’d just bow out at this point.

 

[3DOCTORS]

It could just be that he’s a nice guy who couldn’t resist this lady’s pressure tactics. He might in fact be feeling awkward and worried that someone might perceive him as a pervert when he isn’t because of the situation. So he might be really relieved to be off the hook. And if he is a pervert, all the more reason to run far, run fast.

I agree with Luvs2travel particularly on point #2 - this lady is being too intense in the whole business. If she pressured him and he is a nice person, then it could be that she feels guilty and is trying to see that he gets a date out of the deal as a “reward.” Still, that should not fall on the OP’s shoulders because the lady made everything all complicated.

 

[lovedance4ever]

It could just be that he’s a nice guy who couldn’t resist this lady’s pressure tactics. He might in fact be feeling awkward and worried that someone might perceive him as a pervert when he isn’t because of the situation. So he might be really relieved to be off the hook. And if he is a pervert, all the more reason to run far, run fast.

I agree with Luvs2travel particularly on point #2 - this lady is being too intense in the whole business. If she pressured him and he is a nice person, then it could be that she feels guilty and is trying to see that he gets a date out of the deal as a “reward.” Still, that should not fall on the OP’s shoulders because the lady made everything all complicated.

I want to thank you, and everyone for your kind and thoughtful posts. I apologize for not commenting sooner, but I wanted to wait until I had a little more of an update.

First of all, 3Doctors, I think you are absolutely right. He is not a pervert; he has been very close with the family and is like an uncle to the children. Of course in any situation one must be careful, but from what I have seen and experienced, he is not slimey in any way.

The mother has been very kind to me in the past; it is only recently that this has happened. I feel bad that I made her seem as if she is completely out of her mind. Although, lately she has seemed that way!

On Tuesday, I went over to their house to make our hairpieces for the ball, and she snapped at me so many times over little things. First, she did not like how I did my hairpiece and guilted me into taking it apart. She turned something that I wanted to be minor, into a big extravagant thing. Finally, I tried to get myself out of being a dating service for John, by saying that the ball is not a place where I would look for a potential spouse, to which she snapped, “Well, we’re not looking for you.”

After that, they (her and her other daughter) made me feel bad about my appearance. She said that my eyebrows are my best feature, and they are what I should put the focus on. And practically in the next breath, they went on and on about about how gorgeous my sister is.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive…I have always thought that I was not very attractive, so perhaps I am being silly for feeling this way. But the way it was said made me feel kind of bad.

I have to babysit tomorrow, and then the ball is Saturday. There really is no way out of it now. The tickets have been paid and it would be unfair to my friend who is in charge of the ball if I were to back out now. Thanks for listening and for your prayers and kind advice.

 

[Bill_Martin]

I want to thank you, and everyone for your kind and thoughtful posts. I apologize for not commenting sooner, but I wanted to wait until I had a little more of an update.

First of all, 3Doctors, I think you are absolutely right. He is not a pervert; he has been very close with the family and is like an uncle to the children. Of course in any situation one must be careful, but from what I have seen and experienced, he is not slimey in any way.

The mother has been very kind to me in the past; it is only recently that this has happened. I feel bad that I made her seem as if she is completely out of her mind. Although, lately she has seemed that way!

On Tuesday, I went over to their house to make our hairpieces for the ball, and she snapped at me so many times over little things. First, she did not like how I did my hairpiece and guilted me into taking it apart. She turned something that I wanted to be minor, into a big extravagant thing. Finally, I tried to get myself out of being a dating service for John, by saying that the ball is not a place where I would look for a potential spouse, to which she snapped, “Well, we’re not looking for you.”

After that, they (her and her other daughter) made me feel bad about my appearance. She said that my eyebrows are my best feature, and they are what I should put the focus on. And practically in the next breath, they went on and on about about how gorgeous my sister is.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive…I have always thought that I was not very attractive, so perhaps I am being silly for feeling this way. But the way it was said made me feel kind of bad.

I have to babysit tomorrow, and then the ball is Saturday. There really is no way out of it now. The tickets have been paid and it would be unfair to my friend who is in charge of the ball if I were to back out now. Thanks for listening and for your prayers and kind advice.

Serious yes or no question: Do you want to go?

Sure, in a perfect world without all this drama, I think you would answer with yes. But with all this stupid grief you are getting over it, do you want to go?

If you do truly want to go, then go. If not, then don’t and don’t feel bad about it. Explain the situation to your friend who is in charge of it. Any friend would understand. Maybe you can get together sometime to make up for it. I know if I was in charge of an event like this and heard that one of my friends was being treated like you are, I would want her to do what she wants and feels most comfortable with.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The mother has been very kind to me in the past; it is only recently that this has happened. I feel bad that I made her seem as if she is completely out of her mind. Although, lately she has seemed that way!

On Tuesday, I went over to their house to make our hairpieces for the ball, and she snapped at me so many times over little things. First, she did not like how I did my hairpiece and guilted me into taking it apart. She turned something that I wanted to be minor, into a big extravagant thing. Finally, I tried to get myself out of being a dating service for John, by saying that the ball is not a place where I would look for a potential spouse, to which she snapped, “Well, we’re not looking for you.”

After that, they (her and her other daughter) made me feel bad about my appearance. She said that my eyebrows are my best feature, and they are what I should put the focus on. And practically in the next breath, they went on and on about about how gorgeous my sister is.

She may have been kind to you in the past, but it doesn’t sound as though she is being kind right now. She sounds pushy and manipulative. Too bad you couldn’t have put your foot down with her, but it can be hard to say no sometimes, especially if the person is older and has a personality like hers. Frankly, I would just ignore the “assignment” to find a woman for John at the ball. It’s not your responsibility, and the whole thing just sounds weird anyway.