Views On Sex Means No Dating

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BlueEyedLady said:
I’ve never met a genuinely good, honest guy who ever blamed a single problem, much less lack of romance, on his own self-professed “niceness”.
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Back in college I blamed a lot of my problems, particularly when it came to romance, on my widely-acknowledged niceness. Then again, a very large percentage of the girls I knew who didn’t fall into the friend category could most easily be described as psychotic, self-destructive, evil or a combination of the three. I’d go into more detail but even the milder examples I could give would really stretch the bounds of credibility. Suffice to say that there truly are plenty of women out there who seem intent on finding the worst excuse for a guy available and have no problem using and abusing anyone who doesn’t fall into that category. I spent a lot of years wondering if I wouldn’t be better off being one of “those guys.” I had a friend who felt the same and decided that if being a jerk was going to get him some action, he could be the biggest louse on the planet. I’d like to say it didn’t work out for him. On the contrary, he couldn’t beat them off with a stick after that, even though it meant that his new reputation prevented him from finding anyone decent.

That being said, to the OP, one of the things that my female friends and, later, my wife really appreciated was the fact that I made it clear I had no interest in premarital sex. We could hang out and they felt comfortable with me because there was no tension or expectations. It was similar when my wife and I started dating. She was extremely relieved to know there wasn’t the sort of pressure there that every other guy put on her, including her guy friends who assumed that giving her a ride home, buying her a soda at McDonald’s or holding a door open for her entitled them to some sort of sexual favor (and, no, it didn’t stop–even from some who I considered friends at the time–after we started dating). Although I spent a lot of years doubting whether my allegedly prudish views would allow me to ever be able to manage a decent relationship, let alone a lasting one, I believe the end results were far more positive than if I’d behaved even slightly more like some of the other guys I knew.
 
Xantippe said:
The lovely Dorothy Cummings McLean (the blogger at Seraphic Singles and Edinburgh Housewife) suggests being careful about the venue of the third date. I believe she mentions that a homecooked dinner and movie at home are to be avoided for this particular date, given what some people’s expectations are. (She has a “funny” story of being invited to a guy’s mom’s home, thinking she was being invited to meet the mom, only to discover that the guy had cleared his mom out of her house in preparation for the big night. AWKWARD!)
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It’s not without reason that “Netflix and chill” has become a euphemism for sex. A date involving a movie back at my place definitely falls under the adage, “if you can’t bite, don’t growl.”
 
Xantippe said:
The lovely Dorothy Cummings McLean (the blogger at Seraphic Singles and Edinburgh Housewife) suggests being careful about the venue of the third date. I believe she mentions that a homecooked dinner and movie at home are to be avoided for this particular date, given what some people’s expectations are. (She has a “funny” story of being invited to a guy’s mom’s home, thinking she was being invited to meet the mom, only to discover that the guy had cleared his mom out of her house in preparation for the big night. AWKWARD!)
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This bothers me a lot to. Its “normal” for people to have sex after just 3 dates. Which absolutely blows my mind. People much younger than me are having sex after a few days of “knowing” each other. Yet ive never had any sort of relationship at all. Im absoltely stunned to find out female friends of mine have done this.

Though i didnt mention it in my original post, this is also very embarssing for me.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
Back in college I blamed a lot of my problems, particularly when it came to romance, on my widely-acknowledged niceness. Then again, a very large percentage of the girls I knew who didn’t fall into the friend category could most easily be described as psychotic, self-destructive, evil or a combination of the three. I’d go into more detail but even the milder examples I could give would really stretch the bounds of credibility. Suffice to say that there truly are plenty of women out there who seem intent on finding the worst excuse for a guy available and have no problem using and abusing anyone who doesn’t fall into that category. I spent a lot of years wondering if I wouldn’t be better off being one of “those guys.” I had a friend who felt the same and decided that if being a jerk was going to get him some action, he could be the biggest louse on the planet. I’d like to say it didn’t work out for him. On the contrary, he couldn’t beat them off with a stick after that, even though it meant that his new reputation prevented him from finding anyone decent.

That being said, to the OP, one of the things that my female friends and, later, my wife really appreciated was the fact that I made it clear I had no interest in premarital sex. We could hang out and they felt comfortable with me because there was no tension or expectations. It was similar when my wife and I started dating. She was extremely relieved to know there wasn’t the sort of pressure there that every other guy put on her, including her guy friends who assumed that giving her a ride home, buying her a soda at McDonald’s or holding a door open for her entitled them to some sort of sexual favor (and, no, it didn’t stop–even from some who I considered friends at the time–after we started dating). Although I spent a lot of years doubting whether my allegedly prudish views would allow me to ever be able to manage a decent relationship, let alone a lasting one, I believe the end results were far more positive than if I’d behaved even slightly more like some of the other guys I knew.
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I really have no interest in pressuring a girl. Even IF i was willling to have premarital sex, itd have to be after MONTHS of knowing a girl. I dont know how people are doing it after only a few first dates.

Ive done plenty of nice things for female friends of mine. And not once did i even think about getting sex, or anything for that matter, out of it. If I did, Id have a pretty huge back log to get through
 
zarek said:
I really have no interest in pressuring a girl. Even IF i was willling to have premarital sex, itd have to be after MONTHS of knowing a girl. I dont know how people are doing it after only a few first dates.
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Because so many now view sex, marriage and even human life as meaningless. There’s no point to it other than self-gratification. If the act and the people involved don’t matter, then why bother waiting?
Ive done plenty of nice things for female friends of mine. And not once did i even think about getting sex, or anything for that matter, out of it. If I did, Id have a pretty huge back log to get through
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I was always pretty disgusted with this attitude. I had a close female friend offer to repay me after we went out one night (not a date, just friends). She was shocked, not just that I didn’t demand something in return, but by my crazy notion that she could actually refuse when guys pressured her for it. I had one friend who felt that doing anything for a girl entitled him to at least a grope in return. I didn’t know it for a fact until he pulled it on my wife (after we’d started dating). Obviously, we weren’t friends after that; however, more often than not people painted me as the bad guy in the situation.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
Because so many now view sex, marriage and even human life as meaningless. There’s no point to it other than self-gratification. If the act and the people involved don’t matter, then why bother waiting?

I was always pretty disgusted with this attitude. I had a close female friend offer to repay me after we went out one night (not a date, just friends). She was shocked, not just that I didn’t demand something in return, but by my crazy notion that she could actually refuse when guys pressured her for it. I had one friend who felt that doing anything for a girl entitled him to at least a grope in return. I didn’t know it for a fact until he pulled it on my wife (after we’d started dating). Obviously, we weren’t friends after that; however, more often than not people painted me as the bad guy in the situation.
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This is why I stopped dating because of the expectation of sex in exchange for dinner. To me it was like prostitution. I was told to lighten up, it’s just sex. Uhhh, no, I won’t think of it as just sex.
 
Sarcelle said:
This is why I stopped dating because of the expectation of sex in exchange for dinner. To me it was like prostitution. I was told to lighten up, it’s just sex. Uhhh, no, I won’t think of it as just sex.
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Leaving aside anything else, from what I understand of the going rates for ahem purchased sexual favors, that’s either one heck of a dinner or you’re losing money on the deal for settling for a mere dinner. 😛
 
Sarcelle said:
This is why I stopped dating because of the expectation of sex in exchange for dinner. To me it was like prostitution. I was told to lighten up, it’s just sex. Uhhh, no, I won’t think of it as just sex.
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One guy I used to work with would tell us his list of “prices” for various things. To the best of my knowledge, none of the ladies I worked with paid up. He was such a sleaze (and I mean that in the most charitable way possible). When his car was in the shop for a week I refused to give him a ride home and told him I didn’t want him to think he needed to “pay up” for the favor.

This isn’t necessarily related, but he was let go after pulling a knife on a friend of mine who’d made a pretty innocuous joke at his expense. We later found out that our boss had hired him through the ex-felon outreach ministry she supported and that he’d done something like 8 years for raping and stabbing a woman. Just the sort of guy you want to hire when a lot of your employees are young ladies and teenage girls.
 
Sarcelle said:
This is why I stopped dating because of the expectation of sex in exchange for dinner. To me it was like prostitution. I was told to lighten up, it’s just sex. Uhhh, no, I won’t think of it as just sex.
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Totally know how you feel. I’ve noticed that what a date means for my parents and what a date means for my generation is completely different. For most people my age a “date” implies something sexual. Not necessary sleeping with them, but often enough it is. My dad is always hammering me about not asking some girl out on a date. He doesn’t get that for my generation it is nearly the same as asking a women for sex. Even Catholic ones.
 
XenaFan said:
Totally know how you feel. I’ve noticed that what a date means for my parents and what a date means for my generation is completely different. For most people my age a “date” implies something sexual. Not necessary sleeping with them, but often enough it is. My dad is always hammering me about not asking some girl out on a date. He doesn’t get that for my generation it is nearly the same as asking a women for sex. Even Catholic ones.
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Not just people your age. It’s also people my age and I’m no spring chicken.🙂
 
I don’t buy the idea that an abstinent Catholic young man can’t date a similarly minded young woman. It’s how most Catholic couples got together, surely? As for how to find a good Catholic girl, how about your Church, or a Catholic dating site?
 
zarek said:
Hello,

I have posted a few times on this forum about the same topic. But its still a bother to me. I am 23 years old. Finished college, has a full time job, and lives by himself. Ive never been in a relationship let a lone had sex. It is important for me to wait however. Like, really important And its not for religious reasons either. Just personal. (Nothing medical). But I feel like this beleif will make it impossible for me to date.

Any thoughts
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It’s more difficult to date without willingness to engage in fornication than it is to date without an engaging personality.
 
I recommend forgetting dating.
I would suggest joining a hiking club, a writers’ group, a spelunkers’ group, a band, . . something that you enjoy and really can look forward to. You may or may not meet a girl there, but you will meet people with like interests who will enjoy your company. It’s good practice for dating, creates friendships, and keeps you off the Internet.
Also the more people we have relationships with, the longer we live, studies show.

.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
3 date rule was the norm back when I was in school. I’m not sure what the kids are doing these days though.
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I’m at dating age. The rule is now there has to be a somewhat sexual thing or if not, than it wasn’t a date. Doesn’t have to be the final act necessarily but something that can’t be mistaken as innocent.

The unfortunate truth is for most people, Catholics included, dating means sex. I have seen what OP describes more than I haven’t.
 
zarek said:
Because 1. girls want someone who is sexually experienced, 2. i am too embarrassed that ive never had sex to actually date a girl
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My response to you is the same as it was to Naskor on a similar thread:

That depends on what you have to show for it:shrug:. Inexperience is often associated with lack of drive, charisma, and initiative. If you’re moving along quickly in your career, are pursuing your talents and hobbies in your free time, and have an active social life, you’ll put those concerns to rest before she even knows they could be concerns.
 
zarek said:
Because 1. girls want someone who is sexually experienced, 2. i am too embarrassed that ive never had sex to actually date a girl
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You must move in “fast” circles. Point 1 was not my experience (though TV no doubt suggests it is so) and point 2 is of your own making. Confidence is a good thing, and can be attractive if not excessive. Get on with your life and you’ll meet suitable girls.
 
Rau said:
You must move in “fast” circles. Point 1 was not my experience (though TV no doubt suggests it is so) and point 2 is of your own making. Confidence is a good thing, and can be attractive if not excessive. Get on with your life and you’ll meet suitable girls.
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Yes.
 
Read a great article about the statistics of people who wait. The number is up there a bit, though obviously it is not the majority of people. Now factor in those who have had sex but change from it etc… in my experience it is about how/where you look. For the longest time I felt as you, and I gave in. Only recently have I figured out how to date right. (I actually am not great at it due to my past experience) but I understand it. You are stil youg, unmarried, and a virgin? Dude you got it made. I am a Divorced with a kid, gave up for a while and had some women guy. When trying to date women who won’t beg for sex, I can kind of find them, but many who would otherwise date me won’t because I am stained. You should have a virtual buffet of available decent women.

The worst thing about giving in with sex is you can’t undo it. It involves personal values in its mental affect at least for me. Due to the value I would have to offering virginity, I am stuck with never meeting that value. 😦
 
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