Virgin for life

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lourdesgirl

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I’m 29 years old and feeling pressure from so called “friends” to lose my virginity. I’ve withheld for so long because I’ve been waiting for the right person, someone who I love and am married to. I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen. Should I give up on marriage and maybe become a nun? or should I just keep waiting? I’m very confused and feel alone in this. All my close friends are married at this point and my single friends think I should experiment with sex. Any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated it. Thank you.
 
Real friends don’t tell you to violate your conscience or your beliefs. That’s the first thing. There’s nothing odd or wrong or bad about maintaining your integrity. One night stands are not going to fulfill you or give you happiness. Besides you seem confused if you are teetering on the edge of commiting mortal sin and yet think becoming a nun may be the answer to your needs. :confused:

People don’t enter the religious life because nothing else was available for them. It’s a calling, a vocation, not a last resort. What you probably should do is find a new set of friends who will support you as a single person who wishes to remain faithful to Christ and his Church.

Also, get involved with some good activity in your parish or community in which you can help others. That will help you be fulfilled. And visit the tabernacle in prayer on a regular basis if you can. Pray the rosary daily and/or Morning and Evening Prayer to give your life a good grounding.

You do not have to give in to sin in order to be “with it”. God knows your needs and is capable of making you happy and fulfilled without having to violate his laws. You have my prayers, please say a prayer for me. 🙂
 
lourdesgirl said:
I’m 29 years old and feeling pressure from so called “friends” to lose my virginity. I’ve withheld for so long because I’ve been waiting for the right person, someone who I love and am married to. I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen. Should I give up on marriage and maybe become a nun? or should I just keep waiting? I’m very confused and feel alone in this. All my close friends are married at this point and my single friends think I should experiment with sex. Any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated it. Thank you.
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find new friends
talk to a priest to consider a vocation
save yourself, it is worth it and you will never regret it. you will save yourself from being used, STD, pregnancy, guilt, shame and most importantly you will not be cut off from God in mortal sin. you give away your virginity only once, don’t waste it.
 
Let’s assume that your friends are telling you this because they want you to be happy. You will find no shortage of people who can tell you from first hand experience (and from the teaching of the church) that extra-marital sex is a sure path to misery. Speaking for myself, those mistakes are the ones I would give anything to take back.

But doom and gloom stuff isn’t all that interesting or compelling. The flip side is more worthy of contemplation. Remember always that chastity is an amazing virtue! You have carried the cross of living chastely when so many other people of our generation have thrown it down. The suffering and self denial you have endured for love of Christ is a great avenue of grace into your life and this broken world we live in. Sex is a powerful force in our being, and to be chaste is to make a frequent, even continuous offering of ourselves to God. Though you won’t get any support from “the world” in your efforts, you are not alone! Many people value chastity and strive for it every day (e.g. the Angelic Warfare Confraternity).
 
follow your heart- if you choose to stay a virgin- you maybe accumulating spiritual strength.
I engaged in this activity at a young age, and I have issues in life that I think may be derived from that, but not all people have issues that arise from such affairs.

if you decide to serve god as you said-become a nun, i can only assume you were not being sarcastic - then you truly found your calling.

but if losing your virginity is on your must do list- think of this- you are giving something to a man- keep in mind that all men are sinners,

what ever your choice I wish for you peace
 
I would spend time - as much time as it takes - before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, asking Him to reveal your true vocation to you. Everything in life happens for a reason. You are at this point of your life for an eternal reason. The answers you will receive here will be all over the map, but the only answer you need will be revealed through prayer. It may end up being heart-rending, or gut-wrenching. It may lead you into a state of spiritual turmoil, but when the answer becomes clear, you will experience the indescribable peace that is the consolation of the Holy Spirit. Prayers ascending.
 
lourdesgirl said:
I’m 29 years old and feeling pressure from so called “friends” to lose my virginity. I’ve withheld for so long because I’ve been waiting for the right person, someone who I love and am married to. I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen. Should I give up on marriage and maybe become a nun? or should I just keep waiting? I’m very confused and feel alone in this. All my close friends are married at this point and my single friends think I should experiment with sex. Any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated it. Thank you.
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I would say “no”.
Listen to what you say: “to lose my virginity”. Listen, “to lose” is to lose. You lost something you had. And you cannot return back…
One sex experience will take, say, 30 minutes. Is it worthwhile ? Because, after the 1st one, you will soon want the 2nd and the 3rd and so on…So what? Who is your partner? One? Why not marry? Many? Forget it, you will be lost.
Now, consider what you have. You have got a fine tuned sexuality. The less big sex pleasure one has, the more fine-tuned it is: anything can get you fine pleasures. I was a Seminarian for some time and I remember those wonders I had, that I lost when I got married.
Tell you a story: I knew in Spain a guy, let’s call him Carlos, who slept with every girl he met at the beach, every night, female tourists looking for sex. I would say that he would be the person who would have more big sex pleasure. Was he happy? No: he used to say to me that every tourist girl in the beach was not worthy a Spanish girl. I saw in him disappointment, disillusion and, of course, diseases…
Now, I read an article about a Cuban Political Prisoner who was in jails for 20 years. He said that he dreamt of holding hands with his wife in the sunset of the Bay of Havana. I was impressed. His dream was not to have sex with his wife but to hold hands. He was fine tuned. I guess this dream would mean nothing for Carlos, the Spanish. He would laugh at it. And for the Cuban to dream of having sex with his wife would mean nothing. He would have but he was dreaming about love.
You only appreciate things when you do not have them. So, I think you appreciate love much more than the majority of people and you are much more fine tuned, you appreciate the sexual side of life much more than people who have everyday sex.
My view.
 
I’m a little older that you and in the same boat so I know what you’re going through (although I haven’t discussed this with friends so they never made such a ridiculous suggestion!). I feel pretty sure that I’m called to marriage and motherhood. But, it hasn’t happened yet. Do I struggle with thoughts? Of course! I’m only human, but I “offer it up” as they say. After waiting this long (and my waiting was always because I knew God said to wait in His Word) I couldn’t imagine just getting on with it, like any other activity, just so I could finally see what the rest of the world is talking about. In fact, I feel more resolved than ever that this garden will remain closed until God Himself unlocks the gate and leads my spouse into my life. I told God quite frankly that I don’t want to be a virgin anymore and I asked Him why single chaste Catholics who are open to life and choosing to wait for marriage seem to have the longest, most painful wait. He didn’t answer my question. 🤷

Just because you haven’t met the right man yet doesn’t automatically mean you are called to be a nun. I used to feel that way too, but being a nun isn’t a default vocation. It is a calling. I have read that many of the young women who became nuns felt strongly that Jesus was their True Love and were never really interested in men in that way.

But don’t give in and give up something so precious. I really believe sexual sin is particularly abhorrent to God. Pray for your future husband’s purity because the men are struggling too and I think they have it worse. I pray that the peace of Christ is with you and ALL of us waiting.
 
29 years thats quite impressive, If I were in your position I would try to keep holding strong, perhaps if you don’t feel like marriage life is where you will end up , becoming a nun would be a very cool / realistic option for you, if thats what you would like of course
 
Perhaps you should find real friends. People who are encouraging you to against your morals are not your true friends. Even if they don’t understand your reasons for waiting and thus think you are silly and naive, they should support you. Do you have any devout Catholic friends? That makes all the difference.

Speaking from experience here: a devout woman has no business considering extramarital sex. It is a deep wound to the soul and it would make you miserable. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but alas.
 
SeekNFind said:
I’m a little older that you and in the same boat so I know what you’re going through (although I haven’t discussed this with friends so they never made such a ridiculous suggestion!). I feel pretty sure that I’m called to marriage and motherhood. But, it hasn’t happened yet. Do I struggle with thoughts? Of course! I’m only human, but I “offer it up” as they say. After waiting this long (and my waiting was always because I knew God said to wait in His Word) I couldn’t imagine just getting on with it, like any other activity, just so I could finally see what the rest of the world is talking about. In fact, I feel more resolved than ever that this garden will remain closed until God Himself unlocks the gate and leads my spouse into my life. I told God quite frankly that I don’t want to be a virgin anymore and I asked Him why single chaste Catholics who are open to life and choosing to wait for marriage seem to have the longest, most painful wait. He didn’t answer my question. 🤷

Just because you haven’t met the right man yet doesn’t automatically mean you are called to be a nun. I used to feel that way too, but being a nun isn’t a default vocation. It is a calling. I have read that many of the young women who became nuns felt strongly that Jesus was their True Love and were never really interested in men in that way.

But don’t give in and give up something so precious. I really believe sexual sin is particularly abhorrent to God. Pray for your future husband’s purity because the men are struggling too and I think they have it worse. I pray that the peace of Christ is with you and ALL of us waiting.
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A French Philosopher said that God is the God of Silence. He never answers our questions.
Well, not so.
He answers but not the way we want: speaking with words. He speaks through deeds.
Maybe, I repeat, maybe one day you will say: “Thank God I remained all my Life a Virgin!” There are real idols who were virgins and whom I admire most, like Mother Theresa of Calcutta, my greatest present-day heroine. Would I admire her most if she had 2 children and a husband ?

Let us not mention the Virgin Mother, for the moment.
And the King of Kind, the Lord of Lords, the Master of Masters, from Whom we came and to Whom we are going …
 
It sounds to me like you probably need to look again at the methods you are using to look for a potential partner. (you and others have suggested celibate vocations I won’t elaborate on that option here - I will assume that you have been seeking and are therefore called to the Married Vocation)

Are you looking widely in places where you have a chance of meeting eligible bachelors who can meet your expectations?
Do you have realistic, and sufficiently flexible expectations?

I was 28 when I had first contact with the woman who is now my wife. I married her 4 years later. Here in England that is very typical. I am the first of my friends to have got married. I have 2 brothers who married at similar ages to me.

I met my wife through and on-line service. - While these like any matchmaking service or place where couples are likely to meet can and is often used by people looking for casual relationships, it is also rapidly becoming a normal method by which people meet their future spouses.

Some of these services have tools to help you narrow down the list of proposed matches to consider important spiritual, moral and political values and personality types. There are however questions about the effectiveness of these algorythims as predictions of relationship success. - I’ll say they worked fro me in narrowing down the list and finding someone I was compatible with.

In the USA there are Catholic specific and broader Christian specific online services which could be helpful.

At the same time I was also actively involving myself in my local parish and in secular activities - in my case I was doing a lot of ballroom dancing at that time, as well as other things. All of these were places where I was open to meeting potential partners.
I would caution:
Don’t look for “Love at first sight”, such phenomenon are biological in origin and totally untrustworthy They are closely realted to Lust.
Look for someone who has compatible life goals, compatible spirituality, compatible morals, and is in a compatible state of life. (i.e. not a married man or divorcee)

Then you want to look for someone within that group who you like, are attracted to and can develop a real and lasting love for.

Dont let the list of ideas above be too rigid. but do have some rigid issues: especially on morality. There’s no point if you would wish for 10 kids to marry someone who wants to be “Childfree” - or vice-versa. There’s no point trying to marry someone who expects you to contracept from before the wedding and be willing to abort any unplanned pregnancies if you want to be faithful to the churches teaching. There’s no point trying to marry someone who wants you to be a stay-at-home mum if you want to be an active professional - or vice-versa.

Don’t give up Hope.
Pray every day that God will introduce you to the Man he has planned for you. Ask him to help you find and recognise him.

He gave me a private revelation in my teenage years to help guide me to my wife. - it still took me to my early thirties to find and marry her.

Pray about this.
If your heart if filled with a longing to be a wife and a Mother then this desire almost certainly comes from God. Ask him to fulfill it and he will.
 
Dear lourdesgirl,

I strongly recommend you say some prayers asking for help discerning your vocation. I felt similarly confused about my vocation as a young single woman. Unlike you however, I had spent time in my twenties sexually active, and eventually was almost overwhelmed with despair at the destruction it had wrought in my life. I remained chaste until a much later age than all my friends, but in the end I caved under the pressure of the modern world. By the time I was thirty, it was very clear to me that becoming sexually active had destroyed parts of me that I would never get back. It had completely erased the joy in my heart which I always took for granted. I cannot begin to describe the suffering I experienced as a result of the men I allowed into my life. This also had an extremely negative effect on my career. Despite coming to full knowledge that I had been wrong, the devil tried to tempt me to sleep with men again. He made me feel it was unfair of me to say no to men and ask them to wait for marriage, when I had already given myself away so freely to others. So I felt it would be impossible for me to ever get married. I also wondered if I should become a nun, but I think this was just another temptation, for reasons others have stated here already. So I prayed this novena I found in a church to St Martha. I asked her to help me find my vocation. I suddenly felt I could relate to her so much. Once I had regarded her with a bit of scorn (if you recall her story in the bible - she had her priorities all wrong and wanted to clean while Jesus was teaching) but now I suddenly saw myself consigned to mundanity, having missed the point of life completely! So I said this novena and while praying to her I found my husband. Even though he was not religious at all he accepted my request that we not sleep together until marriage. It was because of St Martha’s intercession that I had the courage to ask it of him, and perhaps also because of her intercession that he said yes. It caused him a great deal of suffering, because he felt it was unatural. But we waited together, and now we are married I know he doesn’t resent me at all, and never resented me. God gave me as a husband the greatest friend and sweetest love I could ever dream of. Not to mention a total hottie! The devil had been trying to trick me out of this all my life! Be brave. Stand by your convictions! And more importantly, ask God for help and hopefully you will not make the same mistakes as me. I can only assume your reward will be all the greater! If not in this life, then certainly in the next.

Here is the link to the novena I used.catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00053.htm

Oh yeah I said the prayers in a church, because that’s what it said to do on my piece of paper I found. I think it was particularly good for me, praying in a church on Tuesdays. It is much easier to pray in a church than anywhere else. The world has too many distractions. Also, it took me about a year to finish this novena. That is how much dissarray my life was in. I couldn’t get it together enough to say the prayer for nine consecutive weeks, and had to keep starting again… 🙂
 
Keep doing what you are doing. I waited until I was about your age and was married, and I can tell you that it was completely worth it. It was difficult sometimes, and I felt like I was missing out on something that most everyone I knew had already experienced. What I know now is that I have experienced something much better- only having been with my husband. I do not regret waiting at all. Sex isn’t something you “experiment” with, and you should not listen to your friends (who are clearly not thinking of your best interest or even respecting your morals).

Should you “give up on marriage and become a nun”? No. Religious life isn’t something people do when they don’t find a spouse. I would encourage you to discern whether you really are called to marriage first, and then work on being a woman who would make a good wife. This does not include having sex because you don’t want to wait anymore. If you truly do want to be married, think about your future husband. You might miss him if you’re focused on having sex and getting attached to the wrong people.
 
anruari said:
Don’t give up Hope.
Pray every day that God will introduce you to the Man he has planned for you. Ask him to help you find and recognise him.

He gave me a private revelation in my teenage years to help guide me to my wife. - it still took me to my early thirties to find and marry her.
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Would you care to elaborate (if not here then in a PM)? However, I understand if you would prefer not to 🙂
 
SeekNFind said:
Would you care to elaborate (if not here then in a PM)? However, I understand if you would prefer not to 🙂
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I believe discussion of unapproved private revelations and prophesies are banned in the forum. I’ll PM you.
 
“I’m 29 years old and feeling pressure from so called “friends” to lose my virginity. I’ve withheld for so long because I’ve been waiting for the right person, someone who I love and am married to. I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen. Should I give up on marriage and maybe become a nun? or should I just keep waiting? I’m very confused and feel alone in this. All my close friends are married at this point and my single friends think I should experiment with sex. Any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated it. Thank you”

I am in the same situation. I am a 31 year old male. I have cerebral palsy, but I do not let that affect me. I have never been in a relationship. I have been close, but something happens, some guy butts in, or they realize it would be better if they were not with me at all. I quit letting it affect me, by not caring or thinking about it. I have been told by tons of friends to go get a prostitute, of course I refuse and say I do not want to degrade myself. I guess the best advice I could give you is keep busy, stay patient, I know how you feel. I have experienced being ignored and rejected in the most terrible ways possible and yet I do not let it affect me.
 
👍
HisIsTheCrown said:
I would say “no”.
Listen to what you say: “to lose my virginity”. Listen, “to lose” is to lose. You lost something you had. And you cannot return back…
One sex experience will take, say, 30 minutes. Is it worthwhile ? Because, after the 1st one, you will soon want the 2nd and the 3rd and so on…So what? Who is your partner? One? Why not marry? Many? Forget it, you will be lost.
Now, consider what you have. You have got a fine tuned sexuality. The less big sex pleasure one has, the more fine-tuned it is: anything can get you fine pleasures. I was a Seminarian for some time and I remember those wonders I had, that I lost when I got married.
Tell you a story: I knew in Spain a guy, let’s call him Carlos, who slept with every girl he met at the beach, every night, female tourists looking for sex. I would say that he would be the person who would have more big sex pleasure. Was he happy? No: he used to say to me that every tourist girl in the beach was not worthy a Spanish girl. I saw in him disappointment, disillusion and, of course, diseases…
Now, I read an article about a Cuban Political Prisoner who was in jails for 20 years. He said that he dreamt of holding hands with his wife in the sunset of the Bay of Havana. I was impressed. His dream was not to have sex with his wife but to hold hands. He was fine tuned. I guess this dream would mean nothing for Carlos, the Spanish. He would laugh at it. And for the Cuban to dream of having sex with his wife would mean nothing. He would have but he was dreaming about love.
You only appreciate things when you do not have them. So, I think you appreciate love much more than the majority of people and you are much more fine tuned, you appreciate the sexual side of life much more than people who have everyday sex.
My view.
Click to expand...
👍
 
SportsMetal said:
I am in the same situation. I am a 31 year old male. I have cerebral palsy, but I do not let that affect me. I have never been in a relationship. I have been close, but something happens, some guy butts in, or they realize it would be better if they were not with me at all. I quit letting it affect me, by not caring or thinking about it.** I have been told by tons of friends to go get a prostitute, of course I refuse and say I do not want to degrade myself.** I guess the best advice I could give you is keep busy, stay patient, I know how you feel. I have experienced being ignored and rejected in the most terrible ways possible and yet I do not let it affect me.
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PLEASE don’t do that. You are an amazing son of God who loves you. Don’t defile yourself that way and open yourself up to a world of STDs, spiritual ties from all the people this woman has been with, etc. An amazing woman will come along if it’s God’s will and she will admire and respect you for waiting. I never considered virginity as something I had to have in a mate, but know there are men of integrity out there who are holding on makes me feel 😊
 
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