Virginity question

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I’m a 20 yr old male who loves Jesus Christ, family, friends, and life in general.

I’ve dated a few girls in my time (broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago). After dating each of those girls, my standards got higher.

Am I being out-of-line if I want to steadily date girls who have never engaged in any sex before and are virgins (no intercourse, no oral sex)?

The way I look at it is if someone has participated in those types of things before her and I got married, that’s selfish of her (and immoral and dirty IMHO). I’d also like to find a woman who I can marry and honestly tell our children that she lived the good life and did not let herself be defiled…she waited for me.

And I’m not being one-sided here, either. I want to be held to that standard too, because sexual issues of this nature are very important to me. I’m a virgin in terms of sex and oral sex (by choice of course), and I want to give my virginity to the woman I’ll love forever and have kids with. I want my wife to say to our children, “Follow your dad, he lived the right way when he was young.”

So am I justified in the way I feel and should I hold these standards?
 
God will lead you to the right girl for you. I think that it is great to have high standards. But while having high standards make sure not to be overly judgemental we all fall short in different areas sometimes. If a girl commits herself to a secondary virginity and is sorry for what she did before I think that’s great and if it’s good enough to get her back in the grace of God it should be good enough for you too. I just don’t want you to miss out on “the one” who may have turned her life around.
 
As long as your standards aren’t any higher than God’s you’ll be just fine. If He forgave her (sacramentally of course) then you should be able to also.

That being said, you are free to choose not to date someone with a tarnished sexual past. Now if you find a girl you like and you feel God is leading you two toward marriage and you become engaged and suddenly you find out she had a brief sexual relationship in the past that she regretted and confessed and you dump her, I would say you are in the wrong. God may lead you where you never thought He would. Hosea had to marry that prostitute after all.

Physical virginity in and of itself is not a prize to go hunting after. Purity of the heart, innocence, chastity in word, thought and actions are what we all really need.
 
Dear JDS2006,

When my son was 19 and in college he approached me and said “Dad I just can’t find a girl who is a virgin like myself and my standards keep getting higher. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever find the right girl.” I gave him a speech about being able to forgive as well as God forgives.

We agreed to pray about it and within a week he found the girl of his dreams.

Now they are both graduated and we expect an engagement any day!

Good luck! I am saying a prayer for you with our men’s prayer group right now!!

Mike
 
It is not where a person WAS. It is where they are NOW. Live not as Jesus lived. Live as Jesus wants you to live. Keep praying.
 
I think its wonderful that your standards are high. I would recommend that book the ABC’s of choosing a good wife. I bought the choosing a good husband book for my dd as her standards are also high. She gets very discouraged with not being able to meet any possible suiters. She feels called to the married life in big way and doesn’t want to compromise her standards. I also say good for her. The book will help you see what is important in choosing a good wife and even possible ways to meet her.

Be sure to pray for a holy spouse, my dd does this every night.

God Bless,
 
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JDS2oo6:
Am I being out-of-line if I want to steadily date girls who have never engaged in any sex before and are virgins (no intercourse, no oral sex)?
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No, you’re not “out of line” you’re in line perfectly.
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JDS2oo6:
I’m a virgin in terms of sex and oral sex
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Congratulations, I tried to impress on my sons the importance of chastity. I pray they listened. It just dawned on me that my son is your age and he recently broke up with his girl friend. Whose ever son you are I’m proud of you.
 
You’re not being out of line. Maybe God put this desire in you so that you can appreciate your future wife more, when you meet her! There are plenty of girls like that out there (I used to be one of them, thanks be to God). You can usually find one hanging around the Tabernacle. 😉
 
Growing up, I was realistic enough to realise that most women, even “church girls”, have had some kind of sexual experience. I resigned myself to the fact that I would go into marriage a virgin, but that my fiancée would have some kind of past. God, however, had other plans. I am to be married in November, and my lovely wife-to-be has “known not a man”.

I realise that God has blessed us both in this respect. That being said, God wants many converts to marry, and many widows to re-marry, and I fear that blindly craving a physical virgin may close one off to the person that God has in mind. Anyway, how many lady friends are going to tell you that they had sex once, years ago, at a party that went wrong? That is the kind of thing that one would likely find out well into a relationship-and quite right, too!
 
They’re not too high!! ANd you are NOT alone!!!

Keep your eyes and your heart open, and PRAY. God will lead you to the girl HE has in store for you!!
 
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JDS2oo6:
I’m a 20 yr old male who loves Jesus Christ, family, friends, and life in general.

I’ve dated a few girls in my time (broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago). After dating each of those girls, my standards got higher.

Am I being out-of-line if I want to steadily date girls who have never engaged in any sex before and are virgins (no intercourse, no oral sex)?

The way I look at it is if someone has participated in those types of things before her and I got married, that’s selfish of her (and immoral and dirty IMHO). I’d also like to find a woman who I can marry and honestly tell our children that she lived the good life and did not let herself be defiled…she waited for me.

And I’m not being one-sided here, either. I want to be held to that standard too, because sexual issues of this nature are very important to me. I’m a virgin in terms of sex and oral sex (by choice of course), and I want to give my virginity to the woman I’ll love forever and have kids with. I want my wife to say to our children, “Follow your dad, he lived the right way when he was young.”

So am I justified in the way I feel and should I hold these standards?
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Hold them.

Someone once said, “A man without principles is not a man at all.”
 
peace be with you!

after having talked with many young people i have realized a surprising fact…i think that many people have the same standards as you do now but give them up because they don’t think they will be realized. i think that there are many beautiful, young women who desire to be pure for their future spouse and pray daily that they find a young man who wants to be that example of purity for them and others. i am also a 20 year old male. i dated a little bit a while ago, until i began to think God was calling me to religious life. purity is such an attractive virtue. however, like others have pointed out…maybe the person God wants you to marry “messed up” before but is no totally committed to purity and chastity. just pray. ask our Blessed Mother everyday to help the person that God intended for you. Mary can preserve their purity for you even before you meet her because she already knows who she is! (and i think girls should do this asking St. Joseph for help for their future husbands). just do God’s will in it all and as Padre Pio used to say “pray, hope and don’t worry”
 
You seem to have your standards pretty well set, your girl must not have had any kind of sex with anyone before you. Just keep in mind that virginity is not the same as chastity. You can be a virgin and unchaste.
And don’t get so hung up on whether or not a girl is a virgin that you cant see her for who she is. I’m not saying that it doesnt matter whether or not a girl is a virgin, it really does show something about her character. But we are all sinners, and when you fully realize the extent of your own sin, you realize that you dont have the right to look down on anyone. Can you honestly say you’ve never felt lust for anyone? If you want to marry a virgin becasue you want to marry a girl with good morals, that’s one thing. But if you want to marry a virgin because a someone who has made a mistake is not good enough for you, that’s another.
 
I too have standards that are high. Some people may say they are not and some may say they are too high.

I do believe my standards are high. I seek after a woman who is “untouched.” Well, after 23 years of being single… and being tossed, I went to God and said “God, I just want to know how it feels to have a girlfriend.”

Several days later, I was introduced to a woman who is currently my girlfriend. Physically, she’s not what I’m looking for and our relationship is long distance. But she is a simple woman and also a virgin like myself. We get along and have been a couple for 3 years. Never have we physically seen each other except for a few photos.

I have the good Lord to thank. He didn’t give me what I wanted but He did give what was good for me.
 
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JDS2oo6:
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Am I being out-of-line if I want to steadily date girls who have never engaged in any sex before and are virgins (no intercourse, no oral sex)?
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Why do you think that might be out of line?
 
I’m 40 and still a virgin. If God wants me to marry, He’ll push the woman my way.

I should add I never had much luck with girls in high school, and have fought off some homosexual inclinations for about 20 years as well.

I had a human sexuality professor in college who said I either needed to lower my standards or not be so convinced having a girlfriend was such a be-all, end-all.
 
“in matters of fashion, flow like the river, in matters of morals, stand like a rock”
-thomas jefferson

now, that being said, go for what you want, but remember because you have in your mind to pick a virgin, maybe a God of forgiveness won’t bring you exactly what you want, maybe he’ll bring you the girl HE wants you to have.
do what i did, stop looking, ask God to find her and let him do the work, and she’ll find you. trust him.

(of course, in the meantime while i was wating for my future wife to arrive in my life, i did date quite a few women I wanted to that God may not have approved of :whistle: )
 
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JDS2oo6:
Am I being out-of-line if I want to steadily date girls who have never engaged in any sex before and are virgins (no intercourse, no oral sex)?
Click to expand...
I’m going to disagree with the masses here and say “it depends on how you’re definging ‘virgin’.” I can think of some situations where you might be a real jerk about it. I’m not saying you are… I’m just saying… if you’re going by a very strict interpretation of the word you might be.
 
While you didn’t voice it I will.
If you met a wonderful girl who had been raped would you dump her?

I know a wonderful woman who married at 19. Some might thing this a bit young, but it was such a blessing. She had a daughter at 20 and then a year later her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She nursed him after surgery left him nearly incapacity; she nursed him while the cancer came back and spread… for three years she nursed him until he died. By 26 she was a widow.

She is the type of woman ANY man should be proud to stand with. Not many young women barely out of their teens would sacrifice so much to care for a dying man no matter how much they had loved him on their wedding day.

Any man who would look down on her or hesitate to marry her because she wasn’t a virgin should be vastly ashamed of himself.

Virginity is wonderful. I hope if any of my daughters marry they do so as virgins, but it is not everything, nor even the most important thing.

-D
 
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