Visiting My Boyfriend's Parents For the Holidays?

[Ukelala91]

Hi everyone!

My boyfriend and I are at the point where engagement is around the corner-- he’s adorably non-subtle, and I have an idea that we are looking at a four-month window maximum-- and with the holidays approaching, we both want to (and feel it is appropriate) share the holidays with both families. We both live in New York (not together), and his parents live in Florida.

When we were long-distance for a while, he spent Thanksgiving with me, and we plan to continue that tradition now that he’s moved to be closer to me. My birthday is in the same week, so it’s also a great time to be with my immediate family. However, for Christmas, we both want to fly to Florida; he has spent Christmas with his parents down there since they moved 5 years ago. We would also spend New Year’s at home in New York with my family.

Here’s the rub: I don’t know how my family will feel about me being away for Christmas for the first time. We are very, very tight-knit (too much so, if I’m being honest), and I’ve never lived away from home. I’m the oldest in my entire generation in my family, and the first to be this close to marriage. I think it’s important to show my boyfriend that I care about his family, and I know it’s a good idea to see how your S.O.'s family does the holidays, but my family-- especially my several much-younger siblings-- might really be hurt by this. I mean, I still get presents from “Santa” because my youngest sister is so young! Is there a way to frame this gently? I’m hoping to spend Christmas evening with them (fly back during the day on Christmas), and at the very least the day after Christmas (we’re British, so Boxing Day is a real thing). We don’t spend Christmas with extended family: it’s always just us and my Grandpa, so my absence would be felt acutely.

Furthermore, is this appropriate? We would have two separate rooms in his parents’ house (they know we are chaste and waiting for marriage), so the healthy boundaries are there. But is it too soon? Should we be engaged or married before I spend Christmas with his parents? We don’t plan on a long engagement-- in all likelihood, I’ll be married by next Christmas, so this is really my only shot before I’m his wife. (And we COULD be engaged this Christmas!) I just feel that if I’m asking him to spend holidays with my family, wouldn’t it be unfair of me not to spend holidays with his? My sister, who is very devoted to my parents, says that there’s a double-standard for women and that he shouldn’t expect this to be an equal situation, but is that correct?

 

[pianistclare]

Short answer? Yes.
Wait, You will have a lifetime of deciding how to split the holidays or having everyone at your place for a big reunion of sorts. You’re not married yet.
Take your time. You don’t want to run the risk of your family harboring some sort of resentment to these new people in your life, right? Just wait.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I would not suggest going to Flordia for Christmas.

Mostly because everyone and their mother thinks it’s a good idea, too. If you want to go to the Miami, Tampa and ESPECIALLY the Orlando area, gooood luck. Ticket prices will be high, airports crowded, rentals unavailable–it’s general chaos.

Plus, you have the “miracle flights” so dubbed becuase somewhere between NY and FL those elders traveling down for general snowbirding, who hobble onto the plane with wheelchairs and special assistance dance off the plane as if they are 30 again. The WORST time for this is Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Save your vacation time, see your family briefly and then go to his family in February. That’s a much better time to get out of NY and go to warm and sunny Flordia.

 

[pianistclare]

Excellent point.

 

[TC3033]

Have you spoken to your family about it yet?

My $.02, if you want to go…then go. At some point, especially if you really think you’ll be married by this time next year, your family will need to accept the fact that you may not be there for every holiday anymore.

Before my wife and I were even engaged, I’d spend holidays with her family and she with mine. No big deal.

The only “issue” we had is some siblings weren’t big fans of moving holiday festivities, like maybe if the big meal was Christmas Eve but now we’re going to do it Christmas Day or two days later so everyone could be there type deal.

 

[Demetra]

I think you should spend Christmas with your parents and family this year. There will be time in the future to spend Christmas with boyfriend’s family. You are not even engaged yet and your parents will probably be hurt if you do not show for Christmas. You can arrange to see the boyfriend’s family either before or after Christmas. But I think you should show some respect for your parents this time. In the future when you are married then everything will change. There is a time for everything and this is the time for you to make the effort to be give your family priority especially since you are not married or even engaged.

 

[1ke]

My sister, who is very devoted to my parents, says that there’s a double-standard for women and that he shouldn’t expect this to be an equal situation, but is that correct?

IMHO that is nonsense.

 

[Lou2U]

Is it for definite that you’re going to spend Christmas with your boyfriend’s family, or just a consideration? What does he think of going to your family?

ETA - OP, I’ve replied to your other thread, and I think that whatever you decide, don’t base it on trying to placate your parents. They may not like you going to your boyfriend’s family, but if you are going to marry him, he will come before your parents. Sometimes that will mean spending time with his family on Christmas. I really recommend that you talk with him and see if you can figure out a solution.

 

[1ke]

I don’t know how my family will feel about me being away for Christmas for the first time.

Well some time is going to be the first time. So you and your intended need to talk about how you envision holidays especially since you live near your family and far from his.

If you want to go, go. Tell your parents that you will be creating some new traditions with your intended and his family, and that while it will be an adjustment you look forward to new memories with them and him as well as new memories with his family.

Tell, don’t ask. It’s not their decision where you spend holidays as you form a new family.

Furthermore, is this appropriate?

Your are seriously overthinking this if you are worried that visiting his family is inappropriate.

 

[TC3033]

Ukelala91:

My sister, who is very devoted to my parents, says that there’s a double-standard for women and that he shouldn’t expect this to be an equal situation, but is that correct?

IMHO that is nonsense.

Missed this part. Ya, totally agree. I’ve never heard of that before. We try to make it as equal as possible. Sometimes it depends upon what days of the week Christmas is on. My wife’s family may get us two Christmas’s in a row just because of the days of the week Christmas is on and it’s easier to go to my parent’s house on the weekend.

 

[Katie777]

If I didn’t know the boys parents well, my dd’s would not be allowed to sleep over.

If it was local and it was just for the day, then it would be nice to take turns for Christmas and holidays

 

[Clementine14]

Personally, I did not spend any holidays with my husband’s family while we were dating. I figured that we were going to have our whole lives to figure out how to be “fair” about holidays, so we should both just spend as much time with ours as we wanted to before then. We saw each other’s families enough at other times. I am glad we did this, because trying to make things fair as a married couple (and especially with a child) hasn’t always been easy.

However- I just read your other thread, and I think you should figure out what it is that you want, and do that. You did say that you both want to share the holidays, and I think that you are putting too much weight on what your parents and siblings think. It might be a good exercise in boundary-setting to tell them “I have decided to go to Florida this Christmas with boyfriend. I will miss you but will be home the day after” or whatever (I think spending the whole day Christmas traveling just so they get to see you on that day sounds like a nightmare and unnecessary).

If you are going to get married, they are going to have to learn to get along without you there for every holiday. And if this is really important to your boyfriend, he will learn that you are in fact willing to do what you want, instead of being afraid of what your family will think or how they will deal.

 

[FirstFiveEighth]

If ya’ll get married, I assume ya’ll aren’t going to be living with your parents. They are going to have to learn to live without you one way or the other at some point. Your boyfriend/fiance/husband’s family needs some buy-in too. Regardless, it is your decision to make. Whatever you decide, just tell one family or the other well in advance. “Bad” news doesn’t get better with time. I think Mr. Nelson puts it the best though:

 

[1Lord1Faith]

. I’m the oldest in my entire generation in my family, and the first to be this close to marriage.

Hold that thought for a minute.

I think it’s important to show my boyfriend that I care about his family

It is important, but you’re not married to him yet, he is your boyfriend’s family… let that sink in for a moment. Besides, this is not the way to do it. You’re misplacing your priorities. Your boyfriend’s parents will appreciate the properly placed loyalty you show to your own family.

but my family-- especially my several much-younger siblings-- might really be hurt by this. I mean, I still get presents from “Santa” because my youngest sister is so young!

You’ll be setting the example for your little sisters. You are the oldest in your extended family to be this close to marriage. Set a good example. Wait until you’re married before you turn to your boyfriend’s family. Your priority is not with your boyfriend, it is with your family not his.

 

[DarkLight]

If I didn’t know the boys parents well, my dd’s would not be allowed to sleep over.

If it was local and it was just for the day, then it would be nice to take turns for Christmas and holidays

If she’s old enough to be looking at getting married, what you “allow” is somewhat irrelevant.

If they’re living at home, you could set the rules, but I’d be reluctant to in that case unless you had good reason to believe actual immorality was going to take place.

 

[1ke]

If I didn’t know the boys parents well, my dd’s would not be allowed to sleep over

Katie, she is an adult traveling to another state to get to know her future husband’s family. It would not be your place nor would you have the authority to “allow” or “not allow”.

 

[Katie777]

Thank u 1ke and darklight for pointing this out, and I’m sure other families have different rules.

I hope that my opinion is respected as I do yours. These are our family rules regarding living at our home.

God bless you both.

 

[DarkLight]

May I ask how old your children are? I think what we’re saying is that sounds like a rule more intended for teenagers. It seems rather inappropriate that how well you know his parents, would be relevant to what she, as an adult woman, decides to do. What’s important is that she knows and trusts them. She’s definitely taking care that there won’t be any immorality or compromising situations.

I’m not in favor of the idea of treating adults living at home as teenagers, especially if there are reasons beyond not wanting to get a job involved.

 

[Katie777]

I accidentally liked your post darklight… you owe me one lol…

This is not about me or my family rules darklight. It’s an opinion.

Be well…

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Thank u 1ke and darklight for pointing this out, and I’m sure other families have different rules.

I hope that my opinion is respected as I do yours. These are our family rules regarding living at our home.

God bless you both.

As your children age, you may want to reconsider. Especially when your children are not living at your house full time.

My parents had only met my not-yet-fiancee once before we traveled to their house for a family get-together.

They have 4 empty bedrooms, one on a different level. If they said that he couldn’t stay over (about 45 minutes to the nearest hotel) it would of terribly strained our relationship. We’d already traveled 6+ hours to see them.

The Christmas we were engaged we went to my family’s Christmas Eve bash and we drove all night to arrive at his parents just after they got home from midnight Mass. I slept at his parents house and he slept upstairs with his cousin, and I was downstairs with my dog. That way we could do both of the most important celebrations with each of our families.

You’re right. It is your opinion. Just, as an adult who lives far away from both my parents and my inlaws, it would have been impossible for us to see them if hotels were our only options. Honestly, we probably would have simply stayed away.

So you might want to understand what consequences such rules may have.

Again, your house, your rules. You have every right to have them. Just don’t be surprised when your adult children then, choose to avoid your home.