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DarkLight
Guest
I taught philosophy for a few years, I never let someone get away with “it’s an opinion” yet.
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Ok. That’s fair.
I have kids in college, and a younger child too.By law they are adults, and we have a very solid relationship. I shared my opinion and feel that you all would like me to defend something that I don’t need to defend, debate, or seek approval about.
One thing I would like to mention though, is it is never in good form for other people to give unsolicited parental advice to others. Especially if you do not have hands on experience yourself within the age group or do not have children. I say this with the most kindest of intentions, that perhaps you all did not realize this
Think about when you get unsolicited advice, no matter how old your child or baby or toddler is.
Of course we all want the best result for the op. It is up to her to present varying ideas to her traditonally minded parents for the best outcome. The goal of the thread is to preserve her relationship with them and her future husband, not if Katie is parenting her older children in a correct way. I don’t think the op cares much about that, unless it applies to her situation. It’s about her, not me.
God’s blessings to all.
I have kids in college, and a younger child too.By law they are adults, and we have a very solid relationship. I shared my opinion and feel that you all would like me to defend something that I don’t need to defend, debate, or seek approval about.
One thing I would like to mention though, is it is never in good form for other people to give unsolicited parental advice to others. Especially if you do not have hands on experience yourself within the age group or do not have children. I say this with the most kindest of intentions, that perhaps you all did not realize this
Think about when you get unsolicited advice, no matter how old your child or baby or toddler is.
Of course we all want the best result for the op. It is up to her to present varying ideas to her traditonally minded parents for the best outcome. The goal of the thread is to preserve her relationship with them and her future husband, not if Katie is parenting her older children in a correct way. I don’t think the op cares much about that, unless it applies to her situation. It’s about her, not me.
God’s blessings to all.
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DarkLight
Guest
You’re posting on a forum advice thread, it’s not really “unsolicited” for people to reply to you. Especially as presumably you are posting because it’s relevant to the OP’s situation. I don’t know OP’s exact age but it sounds like she’s mid to late 20’s? At that point I don’t think she has an obligation to obey her parents in such a matter, and for her parents to not allow this would be a pretty serious overreach - enough that I would advise her if they would do something like that she ought to move away from them so they can’t continue to exert an inappropriate level of control. Although from her other threads it sounds like that needs to happen anyway.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
That is great it works for you, I suppose.
Again…I’m speaking as an adult child. I can most certainly speak to what it is like to BE an adult child. Saying that I have no authority to offer my advice is incredibly dismissive and even a bit sanctimonious. I am very clear that I am on the receiving end of such a decision. I think it is fair to be absolutely honest about what the consequences to my parents would be had they made different decisions. Traveling is expensive, and if we had to add a hotel, we couldn’t have gone.
My parents would have been within their rights to do so, but again, they would of “suffered” the natural consequence of not seeing me.
And within the OP’s experience, it’s a very valid discussion. Not allowing for a college (and beyond) adult child to have visiting accommodations for themselves and their boyfriend/girlfriend (separate, of course) seems harsh and heavy-handed. The idea that a parent would refuse to accommodate distant travelers, or be upset that their adult child was accommodated as a distant traveler in perfectly moral conditions (separate rooms, even separate floors) is pertinent to this discussion. You are interjecting the opinion that it is not permissible. You have opened the topic for discussion.
My parents and my inlaws are ALL very traditional. Yet they all were more than happy to help two adults have accommodation.
Katie is a young person in this situation. She would have every right to be appalled and avoid traveling to the home of someone for holidays who refused to accommodate her traveling boyfriend (who, presumably, would be alone). It would also be terrible if her parents told her not to go solely because they were upset that she was being accommodated (in separate quarters) at their home overnight.
I, for one, have no issue with her trying to begin new holiday traditions…my issue is with the impracticality of traveling to Flordia for a winter holiday…which is a TERRIBLE idea.
I guess it also comes from the perspective of someone who’s had to miss holidays because I was 400 miles away. I haven’t been home for Easter in over a decade, and for Christmas, since I was engaged. My brothers and I are all close in age, so it’s different, but there are many things besides boyfriends–like jobs in general–that can make it impossible to travel as one establishes an adult life.
Putting any bariers in the way of that will only burn bridges.
Again…I’m speaking as an adult child. I can most certainly speak to what it is like to BE an adult child. Saying that I have no authority to offer my advice is incredibly dismissive and even a bit sanctimonious. I am very clear that I am on the receiving end of such a decision. I think it is fair to be absolutely honest about what the consequences to my parents would be had they made different decisions. Traveling is expensive, and if we had to add a hotel, we couldn’t have gone.
My parents would have been within their rights to do so, but again, they would of “suffered” the natural consequence of not seeing me.
And within the OP’s experience, it’s a very valid discussion. Not allowing for a college (and beyond) adult child to have visiting accommodations for themselves and their boyfriend/girlfriend (separate, of course) seems harsh and heavy-handed. The idea that a parent would refuse to accommodate distant travelers, or be upset that their adult child was accommodated as a distant traveler in perfectly moral conditions (separate rooms, even separate floors) is pertinent to this discussion. You are interjecting the opinion that it is not permissible. You have opened the topic for discussion.
My parents and my inlaws are ALL very traditional. Yet they all were more than happy to help two adults have accommodation.
Katie is a young person in this situation. She would have every right to be appalled and avoid traveling to the home of someone for holidays who refused to accommodate her traveling boyfriend (who, presumably, would be alone). It would also be terrible if her parents told her not to go solely because they were upset that she was being accommodated (in separate quarters) at their home overnight.
I, for one, have no issue with her trying to begin new holiday traditions…my issue is with the impracticality of traveling to Flordia for a winter holiday…which is a TERRIBLE idea.
I guess it also comes from the perspective of someone who’s had to miss holidays because I was 400 miles away. I haven’t been home for Easter in over a decade, and for Christmas, since I was engaged. My brothers and I are all close in age, so it’s different, but there are many things besides boyfriends–like jobs in general–that can make it impossible to travel as one establishes an adult life.
Putting any bariers in the way of that will only burn bridges.
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DarkLight
Guest
I’m in a somewhat similar situation of having to depend on parents longer than any of us would have liked, in my case because of medical issues.
I suspect once I move out there’s going to be some issues on similar things, related to my parents suddenly finding out that their rules are getting thrown in the trash once I can support myself. I’d warn parents of adult children to be careful of that. I know it’s already made it so I try to not be around my parents as much.
I suspect once I move out there’s going to be some issues on similar things, related to my parents suddenly finding out that their rules are getting thrown in the trash once I can support myself. I’d warn parents of adult children to be careful of that. I know it’s already made it so I try to not be around my parents as much.
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EnglishTeacher
Guest
As you are not engaged or married at this time, I would not go this Christmas. If you get married, there will be plenty of opportunities for that. Splitting up the holidays between families can be tricky anyway; I wouldn’t stir up a controversy with your family yet if it’s not necessary. I like the idea one of the above posters had of visiting your boyfriend’s family at a time other than Christmas.
But at some point, if you do get engaged and married, you will have to learn how to work the holiday visits and manage possible disappointment from family, either his or yours, so it would be good to start thinking about a plan now. (My husband and I are semi-newlyweds, and we discovered last year that holidays visits can be a touchy subject. His family was very upset when they found out we would be spending Christmas that year with the other side. In my naivete, I never anticipated it being problem; I just assumed they would have realized that it is not possible to spend every Christmas with them.)
But at some point, if you do get engaged and married, you will have to learn how to work the holiday visits and manage possible disappointment from family, either his or yours, so it would be good to start thinking about a plan now. (My husband and I are semi-newlyweds, and we discovered last year that holidays visits can be a touchy subject. His family was very upset when they found out we would be spending Christmas that year with the other side. In my naivete, I never anticipated it being problem; I just assumed they would have realized that it is not possible to spend every Christmas with them.)
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