Visits with this person an occasion of sin

[As_for_my_House]

Just keep turning the conversation to saying nice things about her children and grandchildren. Talk as if you are taking whatever she says about anyone in the nicest possible way.

“Tara has a real loser as a boyfriend.”
“Oh, I haven’t met him. I hope you’re mistaken, because Tara deserves the best.”
…she goes on to reiterate that he is a louse…
“Well, we’ll be here for Tara, for better or worse. Maybe he’ll surprise everyone. We can hope. How about Michael–did his team do well this season?”

Good luck. Remember: any landing you walk away from is a good one, and any suffering you endure because you did the right thing will be rewarded. If you are bad-mouthed by a bitter, lonely old woman and offer it up on her behalf and ask Heaven to forgive her as you would an enemy, your faithfulness will not go without its reward.

I wish her gossip was that straight to the point. Her style of gossip is the kind that invites the listener to draw very negative conclusions. The gossip usually centers on other peoples relationships and marriages. For instance, he grand-DIL takes vacations without her husband. So she tells this information in a way that makes grand-DIL sound like she’s is up to no good. She then asks me questions with a tone that sends the message of disapproval of the grand-DIL’s doings.

This way of gossiping is difficult for me because I am more of a problem solver type person. I want to help but I know her information is based on her dislike for grand-DIL and that she is not telling me the whole story but has put a negative slant on it that shows her victim in a bad light.

If I say anything that supports the person who she insinuates is being wronged then I am agreeing with her conclusions. When someone gossips, I try to find out why. Are they hurt by the person ?. Are they jealous?. Are they afraid ? What the motive.

As far is I can tell, MIL has two immediate goals. To get the listener to say something negative about her victim. She also wants cause the listener to form a low opinion of her victim. She was been very successful with this approach. I can’t tell you how many chilly receptions I have had when meeting people in her acquaintance.

But your advice has given me an idea. When she comments in her leading, negative way, maybe instead of problem solving, I should just ask her what she thinks so that she can express her conclusions in a straightforward manner. Then, I think I should simply make no comment.

Do you think this idea has any merit?

 

[mommamaree]

I wish her gossip was that straight to the point. Her style of gossip is the kind that invites the listener to draw very negative conclusions. The gossip usually centers on other peoples relationships and marriages. For instance, he grand-DIL takes vacations without her husband. So she tells this information in a way that makes grand-DIL sound like she’s is up to no good. She then asks me questions with a tone that sends the message of disapproval of the grand-DIL’s doings.

This way of gossiping is difficult for me because I am more of a problem solver type person. I want to help but I know her information is based on her dislike for grand-DIL and that she is not telling me the whole story but has put a negative slant on it that shows her victim in a bad light.

If I say anything that supports the person who she insinuates is being wronged then I am agreeing with her conclusions. When someone gossips, I try to find out why. Are they hurt by the person ?. Are they jealous?. Are they afraid ? What the motive.

As far is I can tell, MIL has two immediate goals. To get the listener to say something negative about her victim. She also wants cause the listener to form a low opinion of her victim. She was been very successful with this approach. I can’t tell you how many chilly receptions I have had when meeting people in her acquaintance.

But your advice has given me an idea. When she comments in her leading, negative way, maybe instead of problem solving, I should just ask her what she thinks so that she can express her conclusions in a straightforward manner. Then, I think I should simply make no comment.

Do you think this idea has any merit?

Yes.
Problem-solving will not work here. But a pointed question of “what are you saying/asking?” Or “what do you think?” And then nothing but a blank stare and silence if she responds…That could be a way to deal with her leading questions.
I have done similar things with people who complain constantly about others. I say “why are you telling me this?” Or “what is it you are hoping I will say?” Or “do you really think I should have an opinion on this?”
Other times, I will turn and walk away, leave the room, or become otherwise distracted and ignore everything else said.
But suggesting solutions to a problem is probably going to get you drawn further in, when dealing with a gossip-monger, because they don’t want solutions, they want drama.

 

[Irishmom2]

This person is a manipulator.

I have an in-law like this. They then go back and do the same thing with the other person and pit one against the other. They use this insider information to earn “points” with the other person, allowing them to use the person they are speaking with to get something they need from them.

I don’t have any contact with that person anymore. Not at all.

 

[LongingSoul]

Sometimes the direct approach is the only one with any chance to work, since the law frowns on using a bat to drive home a rhetorical point.

I’m for the direct approach if you can’t master the art of turning the conversation away. The danger of letting it fester is you become the monster yourself… gossiping about gossipers!