Waiting for Annulment. Betrayed

[bonvivantHermit]

I wouldn’t trust him. If all was what you two claimed- he would have mentioned other women.

Something is not right here. Best to judge people by their actions- he blames your children, others children (in past ) etc. Why do you want such a “friend” in your life?

Lonely? You will be lonelier waiting for this to “work out.” This relationship is not good for you or your kids.

 

[Dee_S]

And I don’t think even your friend will ever know why he was not honest with you. Honesty is a very hard thing and a lot of people are not capable of it. Some people have so much struggle with honesty they don’t even realize they are being dishonest

You deserve better ( and that comment is not intended to insult your friend)

CM

:thumbsup:Thanks for the reminder. I have had a similar experience, and really could not wrap-my-mind around the selfishness encountered. A good friend told me something similar to what you have said and it made sense. Just so hard to accept when you are not like that yourself and want to love and give yourself completely to the one you love, even if it involves sacrifice. I suppose, these types are probably doing the best they can…just they hurt others by being insensitive and self-centred.

 

[april32010]

Was it sinful? For any of us it would be wrong to judge.

 

[Dee_S]

Take him at his word. His intention was not to hurt you, but he misguided himself because he was following a hodgepodge of comflicting desires and feelings. He pretended feelings other than what he felt and pretended he wasn’t pursuing a relationship with anyone else when he was.

PS Someone who positively loves both your children and any grandchildren you may have one day would undoubtedly be a better match. He probably wasn’t a viable long-term choice, except as a friend you enjoy on a platonic basis outside the company of your kids, so in spite of the pain you can look at this as a bit of a dodged bullet, too. That’s not sour grapes, but a realistic view that can come to you in time. If you run into this fellow as an acquaintance again, you can be OK with it. It would have been nice to know the truth sooner, but later is better than way later (or never). He’s not who you would’ve been looking for, down the road.

Another :twocents: if I may? I really like this advice given here, it is generous and sensible… Forgiveness is never easy, as we ‘judge’ others according to our own values & strengths (quite correctly) and he certainly did not meet them, or even meet the minimum acceptable standard for decent, honest friendship. Forgive but don’t forget.

My next point is, please be on your guard against him coming back into your life if your annulment is granted:bluelite: (even and/or especially as a ‘friend’). If he has not ‘found’ someone else, he may very well try to do so. At that stage, his excuses of ‘being confused, not sure before that it was in God’s Will’; excusing all his past behaviour on this ‘Faith issue’, etc along similar lines.

This would be a disaster for you as you are a generous, self sacrificing person - and if you ‘buy in’ to these reasons/excuses will be making a bed of tears for yourself if you went on and married. Will keep you in my prayers

 

[SerraSemper]

Quote:
Your children are the bond of love between you and your husband and by taking another man, you brake this bond of love. In other words you would disrespect this bond of love and the gift you have received from God. Do not ask for an annulment,
because God knows your heart. This world is only temporary. Heaven and hell are eternal. who are you to tell someone not to avail themselves of a dispensation that the Church allows

Not true. An annulment is not a dispensation that the Church allows. An “annulment” is a declaration of the Church using the binding and loosing power of the keys that what appeared to be a marriage was not. A marriage bond did NOT form between the man and the woman. Children are NOT the bond of a husband and wife. If they were, then fornicators would automatically be married if they conceived. Each married person has the right to ask the Church what his/her marital status is in the Tribunal. That’s pretty much a God given right. It’s not a dispensation.

 

[Dee_S]

"Quote(by andreashofer)
“Your children are the bond of love between you and your husband and by taking another man, you brake this bond of love. In other words you would disrespect this bond of love and the gift you have received from God. Do not ask for an annulment,
because God knows your heart. This world is only temporary. Heaven and hell are eternal.”

(This below was a remark by April32010 and does not belong to the poster quoted above.)
“who are you to tell someone not to avail themselves of a dispensation that the Church allows”
Not true. An annulment is not a dispensation that the Church allows. An “annulment” is a declaration of the Church using the binding and loosing power of the keys that what appeared to be a marriage was not. A marriage bond did NOT form between the man and the woman. Children are NOT the bond of a husband and wife. If they were, then fornicators would automatically be married if they conceived. Each married person has the right to ask the Church what his/her marital status is in the Tribunal. That’s pretty much a God given right. It’s not a dispensation.

You are correct in saying it is not called a ‘dispensation’ …but what April was saying about the previous poster giving advice contrary to that of the Church, holds true:thumbsup:

These extracts from a very informative wiki article are a help to understanding the Church’s assistance and position in this regard:

"Annulment is a legal procedure for declaring a marriage null and void.[1] Unlike divorce, it is usually retroactive, meaning that an annulled marriage is considered to be invalid from the beginning almost as if it had never taken place"

"A “Declaration of Nullity” is not a dissolution of a marriage, but rather a determination of whether a marriage was a sacrament (valid) or contrary in some way to Divine Law as understood by the Catholic Church or contrary to the prescriptions of canon law regulating marriage. While some may try to use an annulment to get around the “no divorce” rule (see Christian views on divorce), that is not the reason the Church gives for the availability of annulment.

According to the Church, an annulment affirms the Scriptural basis of divorce and at the same time affirms that in a true marriage, a man and a woman become one flesh before the eyes of God. The Church’s teaching on marriage is that it is a Sacrament and that it is only validly contracted by the two individuals, so questions may arise as to whether that person is able to contract a valid marriage"
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annulment

IMO one can’t be more ‘Catholic’ than the Church - thanks for raising this point again. No-one has the right to prevent another from availing themselves of the assistance of the Church, or to disparage what the Church permits in her mission of saving souls.

 

[andreashofer]

** “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.

(Malachi 2:16)1

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts

were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

(Matthew 19:8)2

It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give

her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone

who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness,

causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who

marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

(Matthew 5:31-32)3**

**If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)

He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise. (Proverbs 11:29)

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (I Corinthians 7:15)**

 

[dandelion12]

*“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.

(Malachi 2:16)1

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts

were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

(Matthew 19:8)2

It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give

her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone

who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness,

causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who

marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

(Matthew 5:31-32)3

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)

He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise. (Proverbs 11:29)

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (I Corinthians 7:15)*

Good stuff! But there is a distinct difference between a divorce and an annulment. Rest assured, the church does not grant annulments frivolously. My file is thick and contains testimonials from five others. The tribunal has spent more than a year investigating my case. It is now in the Second Instance Review. This means a defender of the marriage was appointed to review the case to ensure that nothing was missed and the judgment was correct. This process alone has taken more than three months. I don’t state these things to discourage anyone from applying for an annulment, if they believe their marriage to be invalid. In fact, the process has been very therapeutic for me and allowed me the opportunity to finally understand what a valid marriage is! I just want to give you reassurance that the church takes marriage very seriously and does not declare a marriage invalid without close consideration of all the evidence.

 

[Dee_S]

** “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.

(Malachi 2:16)1

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts

were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

(Matthew 19:8)2

It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give

her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone

who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness,

causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who

marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

(Matthew 5:31-32)3**

**If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)

He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise. (Proverbs 11:29)

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (I Corinthians 7:15)**

What exactly is your point with these quotes? If it is anything like the blunt and erroneous criticisms of your earlier post, then I suggest you keep them to yourself and quit upsetting the lady going through an annulment. Attempting to force your will on her (and opposing the Church) in regard to annulments is the action of a bad Catholic.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He said he would wait for your annulment, and he LIED to you. He was also probably lying to the other women he contacted on line. You cannot trust such a person. Who knows if he has a honey on the side even now? Not a person you want in your life long-term. EasterJoy calls it “pretending,” I call it LYING.

You’ve got teenage sons? I advise you wait on dating until they are grown and out of the house. That still does not give you permission to date a cad! You need to have your sons meet the guys you date and see if they get along, even IF they are grown.

For now, just proceed with your annulment and stay close to the Lord.

 

[Dee_S]

Good stuff! But there is a distinct difference between a divorce and an annulment. Rest assured, the church does not grant annulments frivolously. My file is thick and contains testimonials from five others. The tribunal has spent more than a year investigating my case. It is now in the Second Instance Review. This means a defender of the marriage was appointed to review the case to ensure that nothing was missed and the judgment was correct. This process alone has taken more than three months. I don’t state these things to discourage anyone from applying for an annulment, if they believe their marriage to be invalid. In fact, the process has been very therapeutic for me and allowed me the opportunity to finally understand what a valid marriage is! I just want to give you reassurance that the church takes marriage very seriously and does not declare a marriage invalid without close consideration of all the evidence.

Thank you for saying this. It will be of great help to others who could be confused and going through very real spiritual suffering (never mind the suffering they have endured during their sacramentally dubious marriage).

Trusting the the Church and seeking the Will of God for themselves through his Church is the safest course of action for any sensible Catholic and requires not only trust, but bravery too.

This process exists mainly to assist the spiritual good and establish the ‘spiritual status’ of the petitioner, which brings a peace of mind and soul to them. An undertaking that the Church takes very seriously to fulfil their mission - that the salvation of souls is above all other considerations.

 

[LouiseL]

Dear Dandelion,

The tribunal must assume the validity of your marriage until proven otherwise. I’m sorry you had an unhappy marriage. I believe God can heal your marriage and make it happy if you will be open to that. I believe that is His will. Divorce creates terrible pain for everyone.

Give up on the dating scene since you are not currently at liberty to marry.

You can learn to trust men again by first of all learning to deeply trust God and by learning to do what is truly the best thing for yourself.

real help is here:

www.narcissismcured.com
www.rejoiceministries.org

sorry there are no decent Catholic resources available, but these ones will help.

God bless you

 

[Waiting_Faithfu]

Wow! Dandelion It would have been preferable if the man you were dating told you upfront that he was searching for someone else. It seems strange that he was not honest.

I think God will hear your prayers and send you an angel you deserve. What is most important is that you are raising you children with all good intentions and God recognizes this.

Love and prayers!

 

[Deeann07]

I am a little lost and could use some guidance. I am a cradle Catholic however, grew up with very little Catholic education. I was married for 17 years to an angry, narcissistic, alcoholic non-baptized man. In an effort to protect my children, I divorced him (separated 4 years ago). I believe in marriage and have a desire to be married again. Last year, I signed up on Catholic Match and met a guy within a couple of days. I’m 44, he’s 52. He challenged me about my commitment to my faith. He is a devout Catholic. At the time, I was so confused about how I fit in the Catholic church as a divorced mother. I was quite ignorant. He inspired me to learn more about Catholicism, marriage and introduced me to Theology of the Body. I was like a sponge, so hungry for the truth. I decided to pursue an annulment. I wanted to do everything right! My new friend and I really connected. We wanted to date but felt it improper to do so without my marriage annulled. He said he would wait for me. So, we have have spent the last 15 months getting to know each other. He lives about an hour away. We have talked on the phone 1-2 hrs/day and spent 2-3 weekends/month together. We prayed the rosary and went to church together. We hugged, held hands but never kissed. We didn’t talk about our commitment to each other because that too, felt inappropriate. My marriage was found to be null in the first instance and is now in the second instance review. A few days ago, I discovered out that my friend has been dating online continuously since we met. He logged on while using my ipad. I questioned his intentions and he explained to me that he can’t tolerate my kids. I have two teenage boys. He fears living with them (by marriage) and supporting them. By the way, I am financially stable. He said he has had these fears all along (he has had previous bad experiences with children) but couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and he wasn’t ready to leave me yet. He wanted to keep his options open. Three months into our “relationship” he scheduled a date but canceled out of guilt. One year into our “relationship” he went on a date but told her about me and never communicated again. This is a complicated situation. He didn’t owe me commitment since I’m married in the church. But did he owe me honesty? I am crushed beyond belief. I never saw this coming. While I was prepared that we may not be meant for marriage, I wasn’t prepared for his deceit. I trusted him with all my heart and developed very strong feelings for him. The annulment process has been quite a journey. I have learned so much about Catholic marriage and have a stronger relationship with God. But I don’t know how to process this? I don’t know how I will ever trust again? I thought I was following God’s will. Was this relationship sinful?

It does not sound like your intention was to sin, but as a rule I take anything questionable to our Lord in the sacrament of reconciliation. That will give you the peace you need in this situation that no person here can provide. Your pursuit of a decree of nullity in your marriage sounds sincere, and if you continue to follow our Lord and live as he desires nothing can disturb you. I have gone through this process and was granted a decree of nullity. One thing I learned in my soul searching during and after this process is that nothing should come between you and God, not any relationship or possession. He alone is your strength and healing, when no one else is around to console you. I promise he will not disappoint, and he has a plan for your life. It may not be a relationship with this man. It may be very different than what you have wanted or imagined. But remain completely open to the working of the Holy Spirit in your life, and tell our Lord you are willing to do whatever he asks of you. Then you will have peace, I promise you will be able to trust again, and you will have the consolation of our Lord Himself in knowing you are fulfilling his will for your life.

 

[ValPal]

But did he owe me honesty?

Yes. Relationships are based on trust.

If he wanted to do on-line dating because you didn’t have an annulment, he should have stated that position right out front.

I don’t know how I will ever trust again

Just because one person is deceitful does not mean everyone is. Yes, it hurtful, but I recommend moving on. When you find the right person, this will all be a distant memory.