Waiting til marriage

[HouseArrest]

Keep in mind that the OP is a woman, and women are far less likely to feel sexual jealousy with respect to past relationships than men.

Men definitely suffer from this, some cultures even consider it a good thing to murder women who’ve had premarital sex. It’s really rare to see this in women however. Doesn’t make much biological sense either, not like a man can be carrying another woman’s child and have the woman be stuck thinking it’s hers.

A past relationship could create a problem if the person is not over it regardless of whether there was sex.

My advice to the OP would be to work on her self esteem.

A girl needs to work on her self esteem because she would like to marry a virgin? I’d say if she expects a man to wait until marriage for her then her self esteem is just fine.

 

[Jay82]

As I get older, turning 25 this year I guess it becomes more of an issue. Right now I just want to grow in holiness and if the right guy comes around than he does. In the end it would be nice for the guy to be a virgin but I do understand that people make mistakes and would hope that at least he believes in waiting until marriage from this point on.

I think you’ll do just fine with this mindset.

 

[kristacecilia]

Keep in mind that the OP is a woman, and women are far less likely to feel sexual jealousy with respect to past relationships than men.

In my experience, I don’t know if this is actually possible. Hurt and jealousy seem to affect me at least as much as they affect my DH in this matter.

My advice to the OP would be to work on her self esteem.

Actually, I was impressed with her self-esteem. She is 25, she knows what she believes in about marriage, sexuality, and relationships, and she is willing to stick to it. Brava! How many 25 year olds do you know that are like that?

The ones who are 25 and sleeping with a new guy every weekend or feeling like they need to compromise what they believe in so they can have a boyfriend (because heaven forbid they NOT have a boyfriend!) are the ones I worry about.

 

[flyingfish]

A girl needs to work on her self esteem because she would like to marry a virgin? I’d say if she expects a man to wait until marriage for her then her self esteem is just fine.

She should work on her self esteem because she’s so worried that being with a non-virgin would hurt her? Why would it hurt her, because she’d be afraid the ones who came before were better? If she has good self esteem, that won’t be much of a concern.

 

[kristacecilia]

She should work on her self esteem because she’s so worried that being with a non-virgin would hurt her? Why would it hurt her, because she’d be afraid the ones who came before were better? If she has good self esteem, that won’t be much of a concern.

No, she will probably still be disappointed and hurt. I don’t think being disappointed or hurt by someone we love we offends us (even if, at the time, they didnt’t realize it was us they were going to offend) is a sign of poor self-esteem.

Quite the opposite. If my husband does something that offends me, I will generally feel hurt or disappointed in him. If I couldn’t move past it and forgive him then I might have a problem.

Do you think God is not hurt or disappointed when we offend Him? I guess that He has self-esteem issues if He is?

 

[HouseArrest]

No, she will probably still be disappointed and hurt. I don’t think being disappointed or hurt by someone we love we offends us (even if, at the time, they didnt’t realize it was us they were going to offend) is a sign of poor self-esteem.

Quite the opposite. If my husband does something that offends me, I will generally feel hurt or disappointed in him. If I couldn’t move past it and forgive him then I might have a problem.

Do you think God is not hurt or disappointed when we offend Him? I guess that He has self-esteem issues if He is?

Yup. I think taking anything, even if it’s something you don’t want, is a sign of poor self esteem. Demanding more for yourself is not poor self esteem.

So people with high self esteem are never hurt by others?

 

[DL82]

Waiting until you are married before having sex is non-negotiable in my book. It’s an essential, and I applaud you for holding to that.

As for the other things, you need to ask yourself why you have these demands. Why couldn’t you cope with a guy who had made mistakes in the past but had confessed and repented them? Why wouldn’t you want to kiss until you were engaged? I’m not saying that there is anything WRONG with these ideas, they are both good ideals to have, I’m just saying that, unlike the sex outside marriage question, these are negotiable. Some things in relationships need to be worked out between you and your man. If you go into a relationship with too rigid expectations for the ‘rules’ you have to follow, you can make it difficult for yourselves unnecessarily.

It’s great that you are reading about the Theology of the Body. Why don’t you and your boyfriend read a ToB book together, and talk about your own preferences and limitations while dating. Learn to talk about and deal with these things together, that will stand you in good stead for married life.

Then again, I’ve been in my current relationship less than a week, so don’t take my advice too seriously.

 

[Norseman82]

you probably are making it unnecessarily difficult to find someone if you insist they be a virgin. Finding someone around your age that has waited and is compatible with you will be very tough, but still possible.

If I insisted I marry a girl who is a virgin then I would have to find someone about 10 years younger than me or not get married. So chances are I’ll end up marrying a girl that has had sex at some point in the past. If she waits for me, it would show me that she cares and loves me. I would not be bothered by her past and I think its unfair to hold anything like that against her.

Just a thought…I see a lot of posts expressing the “I’m a virgin but I probably will never find a virgin to marry” sentiment. If everyone in that boat would stick together, seek each other out, and give each other “first chance”, maybe the task would not be all that impossible?

 

[Michael_Saint]

There may not be many male virgins, but don’t forget, you only need one.

I love it!!

Now, I’d like to share with our OP, jackiem, a little story from my own life.

A few years ago, I was on the verge of asking a beautiful young lady friend of mine if she was interested in a relationship. I was (and am) a virgin, she was not.

What held me back (and why I ultimately did not ask her) was the fact that our lives were hitting forks and we were going down different paths (which would place us 2,000 miles apart).

What did not hold me back was the fact she was not a virgin. There were three reasons for this: (1) To me, what mattered was not virginity as such, but purity. She had gone through a profound conversion a few years earlier, and had fostered a level of chastity that surpassed mine. (2) I realized that I was not “snow white”. I never sinned sexually with another person, but I have committed sexual sin. (3) The Bible speaks about God the Father taking Israel as His Bride even after Israel prostitutes herself. I thought that if I was called to love as God the Father loves Israel, or as Christ loves the Church, then I should be willing to do the same with a woman who has had premarital sex. (Conclusion) I realized any thoughts of my being “too good” for a non-virgin were misplaced and hypocritical.

I know there can be problems in the marriage and especially in the sexual relationship when there have been other sexual partners, and that is why I would not criticize any virgin who wanted to only marry a virgin. But personally, I would not hesitate to marry a virgin if the chastity and devotion to God were there.

 

[js_192]

I guess after reading these I feel that I would want a guy who is a virgin. I feel this way because the marital embrace is something so personal, so intimate and I feel that I would be hurt to share this with someone once I am married and to know my husband had shared this experience with x number of people. I realize finding a guy who is a virgin is extremely rare. Then I thought at least he has to maybe be reviginized, meaning he isn’t a virgin but now believes in waiting until marriage.

For those who are virgins has this crossed your mind? Am making it a bigger deal than it is?

I feel the same way! I think it would be wonderful to share intimacy after marriage with another virgin.

 

[Jay82]

Just a thought…I see a lot of posts expressing the “I’m a virgin but I probably will never find a virgin to marry” sentiment. If everyone in that boat would stick together, seek each other out, and give each other “first chance”, maybe the task would not be all that impossible?

It depends on someone’s age whether those sentiments are pessimism or realism. I think as you get older the chances of finding someone close to your age that has waited gradually goes down. Where as someone who is 21 and complains they can’t find a fellow virgin, in my opinion, has more of a negative view since in the 18-22 range there are definitely a good deal of people who are virgins.

I think it would be great to marry another virgin, but if I don’t, it won’t really bother me because in the end, the right girl is the right girl…regardless of past experiences.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Ok a tiny bit of background. I was talking with a guy last year and basically he didn’t agree with my ideas of dating, meaning no sex before marriage and no passionate kissing until engagement. The kissing thing was really the issue and it kept coming up so in the end it didn’t work because of that.

I have been reading these books on dating and I still have my same beliefs BUT after reading TOB stuff it makes me realize God’s plan of sexual intimacy. I guess after reading these I feel that I would want a guy who is a virgin. I feel this way because the marital embrace is something so personal, so intimate and I feel that I would be hurt to share this with someone once I am married and to know my husband had shared this experience with x number of people. I realize finding a guy who is a virgin is extremely rare. Then I thought at least he has to maybe be reviginized, meaning he isn’t a virgin but now believes in waiting until marriage.

For those who are virgins has this crossed your mind? Am making it a bigger deal than it is?

I am now talking to someone who has no problem with what I believe in dating and I know his “number” but I also know he doesn’t now believe in waiting until marriage.

Are you wrong? No, not really. It was, and is still, God’s plan that both people enter into marriage as virgins. So, you want your marriage to begin the way God intended it to begin, with both of you as virgins.

However, while I am a virgin, I would not reject a guy simply because he was not a virgin. We have all screwed up in this arena, even if we haven’t actually have sex. I know I have. Plus, a man may be a virgin, but not chaste. If a man is a virgin but watches pornography all the time, he’s not chaste. That’s what I’m looking for, chastity, not virginity.

If you are bound and determined to marry a guy who is a virgin, then that’s your perogative. But remember, a virgin guy may be less chaste than a non-virgin guy who’s repented, so make sure you find a chaste virgin.

 

[valient_Lucy]

I love it!!

Now, I’d like to share with our OP, jackiem, a little story from my own life.

A few years ago, I was on the verge of asking a beautiful young lady friend of mine if she was interested in a relationship. I was (and am) a virgin, she was not.

What held me back (and why I ultimately did not ask her) was the fact that our lives were hitting forks and we were going down different paths (which would place us 2,000 miles apart).

What did not hold me back was the fact she was not a virgin. There were three reasons for this: (1) To me, what mattered was not virginity as such, but purity. She had gone through a profound conversion a few years earlier, and had fostered a level of chastity that surpassed mine. (2) I realized that I was not “snow white”. I never sinned sexually with another person, but I have committed sexual sin. (3) The Bible speaks about God the Father taking Israel as His Bride even after Israel prostitutes herself. I thought that if I was called to love as God the Father loves Israel, or as Christ loves the Church, then I should be willing to do the same with a woman who has had premarital sex. (Conclusion) I realized any thoughts of my being “too good” for a non-virgin were misplaced and hypocritical.

I know there can be problems in the marriage and especially in the sexual relationship when there have been other sexual partners, and that is why I would not criticize any virgin who wanted to only marry a virgin. But personally, I would not hesitate to marry a virgin if the chastity and devotion to God were there.

Well said!

 

[kingal86]

Even if you’re too ugly or socially awkward to go out and date all you need is a credit card, no shame, and access to the internet, and you can have a custom ordered woman sent to your doorstep. I hate how it is assumed that any man who is a virgin has it forced upon him because of his own awkwardness…

I presume you mean prostitution, and I wouldn’t agree that a man has “chosen” to be a virgin by avoiding prostitutes. I would admire that man’s strength of character.

If you mean those dodgy “encounters” websites instead, no every man can’t find someone on them.

And what do you mean by “no shame”? I had an almost completely secular upbringing, and I still can’t help feeling shame about certain things.

To NewsTheMan: yes the act itself isn’t hard to learn, but satisfying the woman can be harder to learn. Although all women are different, and in a loving marriage a male virgin should hopefully be able to learn that over time.

 

[kingal86]

I would not have any problem with a guy who enjoyed watching couples have sex. However, a lot of the porn that’s out there is just horrible. Some of the most popular porn involves teen girls (!), using the words b**** s*** w**** to refer to them, it’s very male centered in terms of the kind of sex act that is performed. And not uncommon for porn to include more than a couple having sex, or have rape themes (such as Japanese porn).

Yes, almost none of it seems to be a simulation of a couple having sex, and most seems to involve women being called insulting words and being degraded in various ways

 

[jenlovesyu]

OP, I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are willing to defend your virginal purity. And certainly if you wish to marry a man who is also a virgin, there isn’t anything wrong with that.

I just wanted to give a perspective as a young lady who has a colorful past.
I do not think it is wrong for virgins to desire marrying other virgins. I think it is nice of virgins to consider non-virgins but I personally wouldn’t get upset if a man turned me down because I wasn’t a virgin.

That being said, if anyone is a virgin and is worried about what type of relationship they may have with a non-virgin, I suggest you give your worries to God. Sins certainly can leave stains and for some people, a colorful sexual past may indicate other problems (like they may have problems committing, which of course doesn’t bode well for marriage). But for those who have had a conversion of heart (or a full on baptismal conversion like me), God can work miracles in our hearts to the point that it is possible for us to view human sexuality with the dignity and love God intended in the first place. It IS possible for those of us who once were in the darkness of sexual sin to come into the light and practice chastity with love and obedience to the Lord, and respect for our bodies as well as others. It all takes time and individual people heal&grow at different rates but I truly believe it is possible for a relationship between a virgin and a non-virgin to work. Just depends on the individuals involved. God knows each of us best

If I ever get married I know I personally wont be “comparing” my husband to someone from my past. Because I recognize that marital sex is not about receiving satisfaction but giving yourself as a gift to your spouse (and being open to precious babies of course). Such a beautiful thing!

 

[Andrew1983]

Just a thought…I see a lot of posts expressing the “I’m a virgin but I probably will never find a virgin to marry” sentiment. If everyone in that boat would stick together, seek each other out, and give each other “first chance”, maybe the task would not be all that impossible?

The only problem with this is that geographic location is a determining factor. I live in Connecticut, whereas others live in California, Georgia, etc. It’s not like you can give a girl a ring and drive over and pick her up for dinner and a movie and head home after dropping her off. Also, I suppose demographics may play a key factor as well. For example, I live in a blue state where an overwhelming portion of my generation are liberal in terms of sex and abortion, and are for the most part atheistic. I’ve got zero interest in that.

In a more conservative state, one may have a greater chance of success since there is a greater adherence to traditional morality, though nothing is guaranteed.

With regards to the original poster, have you considered checking out the online Catholic dating sites? You may find what you want there.

 

[Anna_jane]

Good for you OP! You’re right to have high standards. Men like the challenge of high standards for them to live up to. I married a guy who was still a virgin (at 35), so they are out there. The best part: you won’t care how the Sex and the City girls would grade his sexual performance. He’s your soulmate, you love him, and want to have sex with him simply because of that.

 

[kingal86]

The best part: you won’t care how the Sex and the City girls would grade his sexual performance. He’s your soulmate, you love him, and want to have sex with him simply because of that.

I hadn’t thought of that. That is a MUCH better way of looking at things. And in a loving, caring marriage both will hopefully learn together, without worrying about performance, etc.