Want to get married, but don't want children

[Clementine14]

Your points are true, but I’m still just very averse to what I’d have to put my body through to get those children in the first place- pregnancy and childbirth. They both scare me, as I’ve said before, and yes I know they don’t last forever but they both sound so awful to me that even the short amount of time they are is more than I could handle.

It makes sense to be averse to pregnancy. It’s hard. And sometimes there are very good medical reasons to avoid getting pregnant. I will not go into the details of my son’s birth because it was rather traumatic, but here I am pregnant again now. I think God designs us to be able to deal with it. Most of the time, though, pregnancies are not complicated unless you are older or have an underlying medical condition. I’ve had gestational diabetes both times now, and it’s very manageable. Inconvenient and annoying, but manageable.

Still, your fears are certainly valid. And I think it’s great that you have a desire to commit to church teaching, even when it is hard and even when you don’t fully understand it. Perhaps as you get older you will start to see friends marrying and having children and realize it’s not as scary as you thought.

 

[Peeps]

I wouldn’t be so sure about age.

Have you read the latest People Magazine? The one with the story about Michael J. Fox and his wife Tracy?

They had only been married for a few years when he realized that his finger (or thumb?) was twitching uncontrollably. He made a doctor’s apt, and was diagnosed with Young Onset Parkison’s Disease.

It has been inspiring to watch Mr. Fox and his wife over the last 30 years as they have dealt with this horrible disease. It can’t be easy–a young man who suffers from shakes and tremors and the pain that accompanies the illness.

I know couples where one of them had a stroke–in their 20s!!

And I know plenty of couples where the wife was diagnosed with the really fast-moving breast cancer in their early 30s.

And couples who have been involved in car accidents and have had all their lives changed by the disabilities caused by the injuries.

Finally, don’t assume that just because a couple is “old” that they are ready for infirmities. It’s especially difficult when a couple has been healthy all their lives–to be slowed down by illness and/or disability. I HATE having osteoarthritis, and my husband hates it, too, because plans that we made when we were younger can’t be done now.

 

[Allegra]

It’s completely normal to be averse to pregnancy. Most people are averse to discomfort and risk. On the other hand, discomfort and risk are part of getting most of the best things in life. There comes a time when a person wants something enough (or doesn’t want something as the case may be) that they’re willing to deal with the discomfort and risk and that may just come with time. It’s helpful to me when I face a scary situation to think about people I know with less intelligence, fortitude, money, charisma (or insert whatever attribute I think I’m lacking) than me who have managed to do whatever it is I’m setting out to do. The great thing about childbirth is that it has been successfully accomplished by a great many examples of women completely lacking in fortitude, fitness, selflessness, or whatever strength you find yourself lacking in. So you can just look at them and say, “Hey, if they can do this…”

 

[Diamond93]

Perhaps as you get older you will start to see friends marrying and having children and realize it’s not as scary as you thought.

Ehhhh not really. I already know a lot of girls who are pregnant or have kids who are around my age, and the more I see and hear about it, that makes me want kids less and less. I don’t know, I guess what I also dislike about pregnancy and having children is how they take over these girl’s lives and that’s all they ever talk or care about afterwards. Yes, I get it, obviously it’s a huge life-changing experience, but I get annoyed at how that’s all these women talk about/post on social media and go on and on about when talking to them about their lives. It’s like, really, get a hobby outside of your kids.

Then again, the reason I feel the way I feel is because like I’ve said before, I don’t find babies cute and don’t like dealing with kids. So yeah .

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I get annoyed at how that’s all these women talk about/post on social media and go on and on about when talking to them about their lives. It’s like, really, get a hobby outside of your kids.

That’s mean. You think their hearts do not desire to develop or continue a hobby? If one of my friends told me that I’d probably cry.

 

[Psalm30]

I get annoyed at how that’s all these women talk about/post on social media and go on and on about when talking to them about their lives. It’s like, really, get a hobby outside of your kids.

You are entitled to your feelings, wants, and desires. I understand that you don’t like the idea of leading the life of a woman who has children. But, with all charity, do you not see how unkind this statement is?

I think this is what concerns the people on this thread who seem to have come down hard on you. Not that you don’t want children — your fears and concerns are understandable — but more so your attitude towards anyone who does want children. You have talked about men “forcing women to put themselves through misery” to give them children and how men “have no right to do that.” Now you are annoyed by people who talk about being parents and don’t seem to have their own hobbies (which may or may not even be accurate. They could have hobbies you don’t know about. And how does what they are doing with their lives affect you in any case?). I think that’s what is leading people to believe there is something underlying all this that you need to sort out.

 

[Diamond93]

You are entitled to your feelings, wants, and desires. I understand that you don’t like the idea of leading the life of a woman who has children. But, with all charity, do you not see how unkind this statement is?

I think this is what concerns the people on this thread who seem to have come down hard on you. Not that you don’t want children — your fears and concerns are understandable — but more so your attitude towards anyone who does want children. You have talked about men “forcing women to put themselves through misery” to give them children and how men “have no right to do that.” Now you are annoyed by people who talk about being parents and don’t seem to have their own hobbies (which may or may not even be accurate. They could have hobbies you don’t know about. And how does what they are doing with their lives affect you in any case?). I think that’s what is leading people to believe there is something underlying all this that you need to sort out.

OK, then I apologize for my unkind statement.

And I don’t dislike people who enjoy being parents in general. It’s mainly my generation I feel this way towards. I dislike women around my age, most of whom I know are unwed, often times cohabiting with a guy, yet they have these illegitimate children without any sense of conscience, and then they wind up loving motherhood and go on and on about it and all they do is talk about their illegitimate children and act like everything’s perfectly OK. When here I am, not trying to brag or anything here, but I have done my part to follow God’s laws regarding abstinence, have stayed a virgin, and been rejected by guys I’ve really liked because of it. And yet all these other girls around me are taking the guys away from me and having illegitimate children with them and then raving about how much they love being a mommy.

How is it fair that I’m trying to do the right thing by staying pure for marriage, and yet I don’t even want kids and therefore wouldn’t be allowed to get married in the Church because of it? While these girls all love kids naturally but then have them illegitimately, commit grave sins, and then get rewarded for it? It’s disgusting and makes me so angry.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Don’t think of it as them being rewarded, think of it as a rocky road to sanctity.

Edit: and maybe reread the prodigal son.

 

[Psalm30]

And yet all these other girls around me are taking the guys away from me and having illegitimate children with them and then raving about how much they love being a mommy.

I am trying to understand this part. How are these girls taking guys away from you? Are the girls friends of yours who have jumped into relationships with the men you liked who rejected you because of your views on chastity?

It hurts to experience unrequited love. But I will point out that if these men do not share your beliefs about chastity, then it is better for you to not be with them. Wouldn’t you rather find a man who is as committed to chastity as you are?

How is it fair that I’m trying to do the right thing by staying pure for marriage, and yet I don’t even want kids and therefore wouldn’t be allowed to get married in the Church because of it?

Well, as I mentioned upthread, life generally isn’t fair. I don’t mean this in a way that is dissmissive of your struggles. I’m just stating that this is a fact. Good people die. Young people die. Married, financially stable people who desperately want children can’t get pregnant. Immature, unwed teenagers get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It’s not fair. But, as the French say, “C’est la vie.”

While these girls all love kids naturally but then have them illegitimately, commit grave sins, and then get rewarded for it.

It’s wrong of them to not follow God’s law of chastity. And yes they are committing grave sins for which they need to repent and be reconciled in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But it’s a positive thing that they love their kids and want them. Many children of unwed mothers are aborted, or born and then neglected or abused. It sounds like these girls you know love their kids and treat them right. That’s a good thing!

It’s disgusting and makes me so angry.

You are taking all of this very personally, and I am struggling to understand why. Would you be angry and think they are disgusting if these girls were married with children rather than unmarried with children? This attitude of anger and thinking these women are disgusting when they love and want their children is something you need to sort out.

 

[Diamond93]

1. I am trying to understand this part. How are these girls taking guys away from you? Are the girls friends of yours who have jumped into relationships with the men you liked who rejected you because of your views on chastity?

2. You are taking all of this very personally, and I am struggling to understand why. Would you be angry and think they are disgusting if these girls were married with children rather than unmarried with children? This attitude of anger and thinking these women are disgusting when they love and want their children is something you need to sort out.

1. No, I’m just speaking in general. I’ve never actually had a girl I know personally take away a guy that I liked and then had an illegitimate child with him. I’m speaking generally, that’s what I’ve observed. Guys leave me for the types of girls who are willing to sleep with them. And most men my age today would rather go after a girl who’ll sleep with them than with me due to me not doing so.
2. No, if they were married with children I wouldn’t be mad. It’s because so many girls I know are NOT married and yet have kids and love it and act like it’s some great thing. Like great, we have another illegitimate child in the world and we’re going to treat this happening as if it’s totally acceptable. I am not in any way, shape, or form blaming the child just because of its birth circumstances. But I’m tired of these women sinning and getting away with it by enjoying something that I would never enjoy, yet am expected to be open to.
   What angers me and disgusts me is how these women are praised for giving birth to illegitimate children, it’s treated as normal and great, people congratulate them like it’s wonderful, when it’s not OK. It angers me that they have the qualification of wanting kids that I don’t have, yet they’re not doing it the right way.

As you said, life is unfair.

 

[Allegra]

First of all, its the parent’s relationship that is illegitimate, not the children. And isn’t it a good thing that these women love and are happy about their children? The thoughts and feelings you are describing sound like simple envy. You seem to be jealous of their happiness and that’s neither healthy nor holy. Maybe talking to one of those spiritual adviser people would help you deal with this. It’s really easy to get jealous of others when you feel lonely. Maybe try joining a new social group?

 

[Psalm30]

What angers me and disgusts me is how these women are praised for giving birth to illegitimate children, it’s treated as normal and great, people congratulate them like it’s wonderful, when it’s not OK. It angers me that they have the qualification of wanting kids that I don’t have, yet they’re not doing it the right way.

No, they aren’t doing it the right way. But I’ll point out that they also aren’t doing it to personally spite you. The anger towards them that you’ve expressed in this thread is only disturbing your own peace and hurting your own self, while they go on with their lives unaffected by your feelings about them.

You say they have the quality of wanting children that you don’t have. But it’s possible that they originally didn’t want children, but then came to love motherhood after the child was born. This is often the case with birth mothers who plan on giving a child up for adoption but then take one look at the child and change their mind. This change of mind is also not outside the realm of possibility for you. If you get married and have an unplanned pregnancy, you may end up loving motherhood and want to have more kids. Or you may not…but things like wanting something or not wanting something can and do change over time.

 

[Psalm30]

Maybe try joining a new social group?

I’d also suggest getting off of Facebook, if you are on there. Studies have shown the more time you spend on Facebook the less happy you are, for the very reason that people post all about their lives (only the good, not the bad) and it stirs up feelings of envy in the people who read it.

 

[Allegra]

I meant like a REAL social group, not social media. Like a CRHP team, or a square-dancing club. I have also heard that facebook can be bad for people who are dealing with envy, especially if they have lots of “friends” that are people they barely know in real life, if at all. When you get to know women who have children out of wedlock, while they may truly love and enjoy their children, most of their lives are not particularly enviable, particularly when their relationship ultimately breaks up and they become single moms.

 

[Diamond93]

I meant like a REAL social group, not social media. Like a CRHP team, or a square-dancing club. I have also heard that facebook can be bad for people who are dealing with envy, especially if they have lots of “friends” that are people they barely know in real life, if at all. When you get to know women who have children out of wedlock, while they may truly love and enjoy their children, most of their lives are not particularly enviable, particularly when their relationship ultimately breaks up and they become single moms.

I am involved in a lot of stuff and keep myself very busy. I go to my stable to horseback ride on weekends and go to the gym five days a week. I’ve gotten to know a lot of people from those places, but am still in the process of actually trying to make friends. I have a lot of acquaintances from those places but no true “friends” yet. This is in large part due to the fact that I moved from my home state I grew up in for the first 23 years of my life to my new current state that I’ve only lived in for one year now. And I started a new job almost five months ago, so I started over there too. I’ve been making a lot of effort to keep myself busy and am very busy. But due to having had to start over in a new state and leave all my old friends behind, I’m still trying to make friends. And me being an extreme introvert doesn’t make this any easier.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I’m sorry, my dear, but I don’t think you’re ready to be a wife.

I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities. But you need to understand that you come across as incredibly judgemental and I think you have more of a romanticized idea of marriage than what marriage actually is.

Some of the best advice that we got before our marriage was that marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100, and marriage is a verb, not a noun. I’m fond of saying that marriage isn’t happily ever after, and any happily ever after you do get takes work. You need to understand that being married means that you don’t get to say, “Well, I took out the garbage last night so you’re doing it tonight.” “We watched your show last night so we’re watching mine tonight.” “We spent the discretionary fund on your thing last month so now it’s my turn.” Marriage doesn’t work that way. You can’t turn it into a business transaction. You also can’t see marriage as a way out of your loneliness. If you’re not able to be a whole, fully functioning person on your own, it’s not fair (or even reasonable) to expect someone else to make you into a fully functioning person. One of the mysteries of marriage is that the whole is greater and other than the sum of its parts. You have two unique, fully functional, complete individuals who together create something greater.

I did something I didn’t think I’d ever do. Not only did I marry (something I wasn’t sure I was called to do), but I married a single father. (I was open to having kids and we would like to have more, but I hadn’t planned on marrying someone who was already a dad.) Our daughter was 5 when I met her and 6 when we married. She is turning into a lovely, gentle, beautiful young woman who is now almost 14. She and my husband are the best things that have ever happened to me and I would not be without them.

 

[AdamP88]

In fact, a lot of women out there I see have no business having kids as they’re not cut out for motherhood, yet they’re the ones who pop out kids like rabbits and then these kids turn into little brats who terrorize society. And it angers me to no end.

You sound a bit bitter here. Why?

Why can’t people just desire having romance and marriage without children? How is that sinful?

Because marriage is ordered towards having children and the good of the spouses. It is a vocation that demands holiness through the living out of family life. Children are a gift from God, whether or not you agree with that.

To be honest, I don’t think you’d find many genuine practicing Catholic men that would be interested in marriage with no kids. One of the things men inherently look for in marriage is qualities that make a good mother.

There really is no other way around it. If you get married in the church you must be open to the possibility of children. If you’re not then you shouldn’t get married.

 

[AdamP88]

Guys leave me for the types of girls who are willing to sleep with them.

Well then consider that you had a lucky escape.

What angers me and disgusts me is how these women are praised for giving birth to illegitimate children, it’s treated as normal and great, people congratulate them like it’s wonderful, when it’s not OK.

Maybe you should focus on your own issues and stop worrying about others sins.

You come across as very judgemental and selfish to be honest.

 

[Diamond93]

You sound a bit bitter here. Why?

I don’t need to justify myself to you or anyone else on here anymore. Especially since according to you, I’m so “selfish” and “judgmental,” why would you care anyways?

 

[Diamond93]

I thought of this thread. Sorry if that was a boring mom story of a temporarily hobbyless loser.

OK, gosh, I already apologized for that comment I made earlier. If I’m that terrible, then why are you still answering to my thread?