Want to leave the Church for my fiance

[Rence]

My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Why is it you who has to break up with her? It’s pretty plain and simple to me: she’ll be marrying a Catholic, and that’s her choice. That doesn’t mean she has to be Catholic. That just means you have to be Catholic. You can keep all your promises to her and be Catholic. So it seems, the decision is up to her. It’s out of your hands.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.

You can’t possibly believe that the Catholic Church is the one true Church, otherwise you wouldn’t have followed up with the next statement. And anyways, what happened to accountability? Nothing is destroying this ‘poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity’ but her refusal to believe…and evidently having to get her way.

 

[Immacolata]

My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Why is she making her views on Catholicism apparent now? She must have been aware you were Catholic when you started dating (and when you proposed to her), but you both have not had this discussion before? Your faith being weak when you met her, I can understand; however, when you still stayed with the Church, you both never had this discussion? It seems strange to me.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy. I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

I agree with PatriceA when they say this:

…] the way you are describing your relationship with this girl sounds very unhealthy. You can’t be the one thing that she looks forward to, that’s not a good foundation for a marriage, that’s being codependent on someone. She needs some professional help, you can’t make her pain your responsibility entirely.

You cannot have her emotional problems be your responsibility. She cannot be dependent upon you for everything. Your relationship, sadly, does sound unhealthy for both involved.

You said that when you stayed true to the Church, she felt it was a rejection. That is another problem — she wants you to choose between her and your religion, which you seem to imply means much to you. That is not good, and if she truly cared for you, she would not make you choose.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.

How would ending an engagement over her inability to accept your religion destroy her faith in humanity? She is making you choose between her and God. Again, this seems like an unhealthy relationship. I agree with Rence:

Why is it you who has to break up with her? It’s pretty plain and simple to me: she’ll be marrying a Catholic, and that’s her choice. That doesn’t mean she has to be Catholic. That just means you have to be Catholic. You can keep all your promises to her and be Catholic. So it seems, the decision is up to her. It’s out of your hands.

You can’t possibly believe that the Catholic Church is the one true Church, otherwise you wouldn’t have followed up with the next statement. And anyways, what happened to accountability? Nothing is destroying this ‘poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity’ but her refusal to believe…and evidently having to get her way.

I will pray for you. Hopefully you will find the answers you are searching for.

 

[Bezant]

My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Pedro

Relationships should not be allowed to develop where they reach an “all-or-nothing” situation. On the other hand, life is never perfect, so it’s best to look forward and do what you can with what you have.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy.

Break-ups are never nice, but divorce is downright miserable, especially where property and children are invovled.

I’m not saying it will happen, but it’s a possibility you should consider.

I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.

Religion is a major issue, and it only becomes harder during marriage when you negotiate sexual practices, children, contraception, etc. You say that you believe in the Church “on every intellectual level” and I assume you renew your baptismal promises during the Easter season. Since marriage is a sacramentally binding promise, leaving the Church for her sake amounts not only to intellectual dishonesty, but it limits your ability to keep your marital vows as well. That’s fair to neither you nor her.

It’s difficult watching her suffer, but you don’t need to be her husband/boyfriend to support her. You may have to change the nature of your relationship, but not necessarily cut off ties.

 

[miguel]

To be completely honest, I was in a moment of weakness when I met her…

This is a very old story. You have to be wiser than Solomon when it comes to the ladies. Good luck Pedro. God will help you if you put him first. Otherwise, dogmeat.

 

[chevalier]

My fiance is a Pentacostal and is against the Catholic faith. Push has finally come to shove, and it’s either leave the Church or break up with her.

Breaking up with her is getting very messy. I promised her that I would never leave her, and I’m effectively doing precisely that. This is an amazing girl that means pretty much the world to me. Both her parents are dead, and I was the one thing she looked forward to. She’s extremely sensitive, and it’s tearing me apart seeing her pain.

On every intellectual level, I believe the Catholic Church to be the one true church. But on an emotional level, I’m not seeing how destroying this poor, innocent girl’s faith in humanity can possibly be the right answer.

You cannot choose a different faith than the one you know to be the true one.

Also, you don’t owe it to budge and cave to someone’s request for you to do something which the other person isn’t ready to do for you. Is that girl ready to convert for you? Apparently not. So by what right should you have to convert to her?

And no, you wouldn’t be destroying her. And faith in humanity has nothing to do with someone not wanting to convert to your specific denomination.

In short, you’re tempted and excuses are thrown at you to grasp at them like straws, but you’ve got to be strong. Don’t allow emotions and false empathy to sway you to adopt a reasoning that you don’t believe in.

Yes, it may be hard to deal with the situation and with the girl’s feelings in an appropriately delicate way. You may need to ask a psychologist or counsellor for tips on how to broach the subject, how to deal with her potential emotional reactions (but don’t presume she’ll be unable or unwilling to understand–give her some credit). You will need to be a warm, loving and charitable person, not one that just communicates a dry, intellectual decision. But this is no way means you should consider it justified to leave the Church.

Also, God always comes first. One just has to love God more than any mortal being, including those closest to you, such as parents, children, spouse.

 

[mary_bobo]

Sorry for the bluntness:

She is giving you an ultimatum. That is not love…that is manipulation.

It sounds like she has had some bad experiences in her life. However, that does not give her the right to use her “hard life” to get what she wants. She may not be aware that she is doing this, and could probably benefit from professional help.

Overtime, you will begin to “resent” her for this. That won’t help your relationship and eventually poison it.

My thought exactly. Further, she may only dislike the Catholicism that she knows about and I bet that is all wrong information. Find out exactly what she dislikes about the Church and set her straight. I bet most of it is wrong.

 

[chevalier]

Also, note the similarity to the typical premarital sex ultimatum. The person who wants to start having sexual relations will claim that you’re forcing your beliefs on him or her by refusing but doesn’t see it as forcing his or her own beliefs on you by demanding you comply with that request. Erroneous logic, simply put. But people frequently make this type of error.

 

[Pedro_1987]

My thought exactly. Further, she may only dislike the Catholicism that she knows about and I bet that is all wrong information. Find out exactly what she dislikes about the Church and set her straight. I bet most of it is wrong.

I’ve tried. She’s so thoroughly brainwashed, that she won’t listen to a word I say in favor of Catholicism.

Also, note the similarity to the typical premarital sex ultimatum. The person who wants to start having sexual relations will claim that you’re forcing your beliefs on him or her by refusing but doesn’t see it as forcing his or her own beliefs on you by demanding you comply with that request. Erroneous logic, simply put. But people frequently make this type of error.

Well, another reason she sees it as betrayal is due to her Protestant mindset. She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it.

For those wondering why I would get involved with someone like this, your judgement is quite tiring. She’s a person underneath all those beliefs, and a pretty good person too, except for aforementioned traits. She has actually succeeded in bringing people to Christ in her own way. She just doesn’t know better about the Catholic Church because of brainwashing that probably goes back several generations, and not her fault. She’s also been through a lot of trauma.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ve tried. She’s so thoroughly brainwashed, that she won’t listen to a word I say in favor of Catholicism.

Well, another reason she sees it as betrayal is due to her Protestant mindset. She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it.

For those wondering why I would get involved with someone like this, your judgement is quite tiring. She’s a person underneath all those beliefs, and a pretty good person too, except for aforementioned traits. She has actually succeeded in bringing people to Christ in her own way. She just doesn’t know better about the Catholic Church because of brainwashing that probably goes back several generations, and not her fault. ** She’s also been through a lot of trauma.**

A person very experienced in these types of matters says about this: “What do you get when you rescue a damsel in distress? A distressed damsel!”

10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives

 

[LilyM]

I’ve tried. She’s so thoroughly brainwashed, that she won’t listen to a word I say in favor of Catholicism.

Well, another reason she sees it as betrayal is due to her Protestant mindset. She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it.

For those wondering why I would get involved with someone like this, your judgement is quite tiring. She’s a person underneath all those beliefs, and a pretty good person too, except for aforementioned traits. She has actually succeeded in bringing people to Christ in her own way. She just doesn’t know better about the Catholic Church because of brainwashing that probably goes back several generations, and not her fault. She’s also been through a lot of trauma.

Hmm … ‘All animals are equal but some are more equal than others’.

If she truly believed all denominations were equal she would be just fine with you staying as you are.

She’s a good person? She may have lots of good points and redeeming features, but that doesn’t make her a good prospect for marriage for you, or you for her. And I don’t mean that as any putdown to either of you. Both of you deserve life partners who are more compatible - or at least understanding - in matters of faith, since the issue seems so important to each of you.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I’ve tried. She’s so thoroughly brainwashed, that she won’t listen to a word I say in favor of Catholicism.

Well, another reason she sees it as betrayal is due to her Protestant mindset. She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it.

For those wondering why I would get involved with someone like this, your judgement is quite tiring. She’s a person underneath all those beliefs, and a pretty good person too, except for aforementioned traits. She has actually succeeded in bringing people to Christ in her own way. She just doesn’t know better about the Catholic Church because of brainwashing that probably goes back several generations, and not her fault. She’s also been through a lot of trauma.

Hi Pedro,

If you truly care about her, you will not cave in to this demand. You sound like a very caring person; I believe she probably knows this as well. You are being given an opportunity to show that God, and His Bride, the Church, is #1 in your life. Putting God as #2 would not help her or anyone in any way. On the other hand, if she knows how much you care about her, yet you are not willing to leave the Church because of her demands, then it will help her see how important the Church really is to you.

 

[miguel]

She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it…

Maybe you could explain to her that Jesus told us that he came to testify to the truth, and the truth would make us free. The truth is the way things really are, not the way things are in any person’s head. Most protestants think the Holy Spirit guides individual believers to the truth. But if that is the way God really works, why do they have so many different versions of the truth? The real God doesn’t contradict himself. The real God gave us a real Church to guide to the way things really are. Is it selfish to want to live in reality? Maybe. Otherwise you have to subject yourself to all kinds of mental gymnastics (illogic) to understand reality. Who needs that?

 

[thequeen]

With that kind of ultimatum she is not the one for you please stop dating her and find a nice Catholic girl who will share your faith.

 

[mary_bobo]

Pedro, at this time you are “in love” with this young woman and it sounds like you would do anything for her. But is giving up your immortal soul worth this? Right now you, and she, are in the throws of romantic love and the future cannot be fathomed without you two being together. But, as time goes on, the newness and excitement of those first years, dwindles and real life hits you right in the face. That does not mean that you would love her any less, hopefully you would love her more. But when the newness wears off, one begins to see the little flaws in the other and I fear you will come to resent the pressure she put on you to leave the one true faith. It will gnaw at you and it will cause problems in the end. Think long and hard. May God be with you.

 

[Friday_child]

I’m afraid I would leave her. My sister was told by her then fiancé that he would leave her if she did not convert to his faith. My sister has never been a particularly devout or even practising Catholic but there was something about this demand that was just so wrong. In her eyes he was trying to control her and she could not bring herself to leave the faith she had loved for so long as a child.

Your fiancee is trying to control you, she wants you to leave your faith and for what reason? You respect her faith why cant she accept yours? I am Catholic my husband is agnostic but we had a full mass and our children will be raised Catholic. she is not offering you love, she is offering you a life of slavery to her whim.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’ve tried. She’s so thoroughly brainwashed, that she won’t listen to a word I say in favor of Catholicism.

Well, another reason she sees it as betrayal is due to her Protestant mindset. She sees all denominations as equal, and is willing to leave her Pentacostal church for another denomination, except for Catholicism. She sees the fact that I see Catholocism as the one true way as selfish. She just doesn’t understand any of it.

For those wondering why I would get involved with someone like this, your judgement is quite tiring. She’s a person underneath all those beliefs, and a pretty good person too, except for aforementioned traits. She has actually succeeded in bringing people to Christ in her own way. She just doesn’t know better about the Catholic Church because of brainwashing that probably goes back several generations, and not her fault. She’s also been through a lot of trauma.

I’m sure she’s a lovely person. Anti-Catholic prejudice definitely runs deep in certain sectors. But starting out a marriage with such an ultimatum is not a good sign. You shouldn’t have to abandon your faith to make a relationship work.

Just because you can see where she’s coing from and why she thinks this way does not mean this will not cause problems down the road. And just because there is this issue does not make her or you a “bad person”.

Of course, we’re all just random internet people. If it were me, I’m sure I would try over and over again to explain the importantance of my faith and try to get her to back down from the ultimatum.

 

[Chantal25]

Dear Pedro, you need to pray. Choose, loyalty to God or Ego. If she truly loves you, she wouldn’t put you in such turmoil.

I pray for you, to make the right decision for your own sake and mainly to remember the huge sacrifice that Jesus did and his apostles for the church to be founded. Many were tortured beyond word in the beginning of Christianity. Church got split by evil only. If i was you, i would stand my ground with my faith no matter the cost, but this is me. You will have to pray to have courage and light in your situation. God will never force you, you must want him.

Blessings!

 

[catholicanne]

A person very experienced in these types of matters says about this: “What do you get when you rescue a damsel in distress? A distressed damsel!”

10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives

Awesome book.