Want to marry, but find the opposite sex repulsive?

[JPUSC]

It’s in the title.

 

[MarieVeronica]

It’s in the title.

With a question mark… it wasn’t a statement.

 

[mrpathetic]

I kinda get defensive in my head with thoughts like “Get your grubby hands off me!” or “I wish that I could get married and have kids without the sex” it sounds weird, but it’s how I feel. Can anyone help me? I want a family, but I have it in my head that all men are gross and perverted and there are no good ones out there.

Maybe you are not being called to the married life. Maybe you are being called to the single or consecrated life. Maybe you should discern this, before you decide that marriage is really the path for you. Have you spent time dwelling on this in prayer? If not, you really should.

If you find the conjugal act that disgusting and deplorable, then perhaps you shouldn’t marry. Or, you should get counseling, to overcome these psychological issues you are having. There are public mental-health services in most places; if you cannot afford private counseling, then check into the public route.

There’s another poster in this forum who was married to her husband for nearly 1 1/2 years, but did not consummate the marriage. Obviously, that is not a healthy situation for anyone involved.

Regardless, until you can willingly fulfill all your responsibilities as wife, you shouldn’t get married.

 

[Galadhrimarrow]

Thank you everyone! All your words has made me feel much better in a few days than trying to ignore and get over this feeling by myself for three months. (I have been single for that long) See, it’s not that I find men ugly, I tend to find the sweaty farmer guys very attractive, it’s when I think about their exclusive parts and me having to submit myself to that is when I get a little more than uncomfortable. My ex would verbally and physically attack me as well, so that might have something to do with it.

Yeah, I’d think that being verbally and physically abused would sort of mess a person up. I’m sorry you went through that. But not all men are that way. I know, I married the most handsome, kindest, most nurturing man in the world. He treats me like a queen. But, if I were you, I’d let yourself recover from the hurt from of your prior relationship before you even think about getting in another. And try to figure out what drew you to such a person in the first place. What were you looking for? Did you see any warning signs in the beginning, but ignored them? Try to figure out something that you learned from this whole situation.
I know kind of what you must feel. I was in a long term relationship that ended rather abruptly and painfully. It took me about a year before I found men to be attractive again. 3 more years before I was able to get into the relationship with my now husband. Maybe this pain of the betrayal you must feel is being experienced in a different way. You must feel very betrayed by him–in effect, he was cheating on you.
My recommendations are to continue to post here. If you can’t afford counselling, at least you can let off steam and get some common sense advice from people here. Pray also, and know that we pray for you. Try to get a hold of some of the books these folks have told you about, like Theology of the Body. And finally, take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to figure it all out right now, just let your healing come naturally.

It’s interesting hearing from guys, my dad never said a word to me about men except that they only want one thing and my mom, the only thing she told me was when I was 12, she told me that boys have something that touches a girl and then you have a baby! I was very confused until just this last year. Galadhrimarrow, greetings and well met!

Thanks for your words I was attracted to him because he was a sweet person at first and I guess I felt sorry for him, he had no friends and I tried to help him with girls, but he would get rejected. About six months into our relationship he said that he wanted to be a Catholic. I was ecstatic, but when he told his parents they sat him down and verbally beat that notion out of him. He is really controlled by his parents, esp. his mother. Ever since that happened he began to change, slowly so that I didn’t notice it until he was pushing/shoving me around being inappropriate and asking if he could do things to me and then eventually making fun of my Catholic beliefs. I thought I could “fix” him. The last straw was when he put me in a wrestling hold when I asked him not to and he hurt me and naturally I yelped/yelled in pain. He let me go and just looked at my face, the look in his eyes looked like he enjoyed watching me suffer. He didn’t even say he was sorry.So after a few months of that kinda stuff I decided I couldn’t take it any more and told him to change or I’m leaving. He said he could never be a Catholic and I said I could never be his wife. He begged me not to leave with tears in his eyes but he didn’t understand how he made me feel with him looking at porn and hurting me.

So, yeah, I was suffering from the condition known as young and stupid, obviously.

 

[JPUSC]

Thanks for your words I was attracted to him because he was a sweet person at first and I guess I felt sorry for him, he had no friends and I tried to help him with girls, but he would get rejected. About six months into our relationship he said that he wanted to be a Catholic. I was ecstatic, but when he told his parents they sat him down and verbally beat that notion out of him. He is really controlled by his parents, esp. his mother. Ever since that happened he began to change, slowly so that I didn’t notice it until he was pushing/shoving me around being inappropriate and asking if he could do things to me and then eventually making fun of my Catholic beliefs. I thought I could “fix” him. The last straw was when he put me in a wrestling hold when I asked him not to and he hurt me and naturally I yelped/yelled in pain. He let me go and just looked at my face, the look in his eyes looked like he enjoyed watching me suffer. He didn’t even say he was sorry.So after a few months of that kinda stuff I decided I couldn’t take it any more and told him to change or I’m leaving. He said he could never be a Catholic and I said I could never be his wife. He begged me not to leave with tears in his eyes but he didn’t understand how he made me feel with him looking at porn and hurting me.

So, yeah, I was suffering from the condition known as young and stupid, obviously.

Hmm, it sounds like this guy may need some psychological counseling, especially in regards to self-esteem issues. There are some red flags in what you posted and I can only speculate that his physical abuse towards you may stem from feelings of rejection from peers and power issues. You should definitely avoid this guy.

I’m not saying that he has any of these, but these are interesting reads:

Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) (or Anxious personality disorder) is a personality disorder recognized in the DSM handbook, characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction.

answers.com/topic/avoidant-personality-disorder

Although humans are social beings, some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life. Nevertheless, rejection can become a problem when it is prolonged or consistent, when the relationship is important, or when the individual is highly sensitive to rejection. Rejection by an entire group of people can have especially negative effects, particularly when it results in social isolation.[1]

The experience of rejection can lead to a number of adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, reduced self-esteem, aggression, and depression.[2] It can also lead to feelings of insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to future rejection.

answers.com/topic/social-rejection

A sadist…may enjoy the feeling of power and authority that comes from playing the dominant role, or receive pleasure vicariously through the suffering of the masochist.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism#Psychological_categorization

Sadistic personality disorder

Has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some noninterpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).

Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).

answers.com/topic/sadistic-personality-disorder

 

[Galadhrimarrow]

I would say all of those apply to some degree or more. He really was a downer, loner, wet blanket, controlling, etc.

 

[kib]

Hi there, I know you said money is tight but check out the book “If You Really Loved Me” by Jason Everet. It talks about the meaning of sex, dating, purity, contraception, masturbation, vocations etc. You can probably get it used off Amazon for a few bucks.

Also, I’m willing to be that desire will come when you meet someone desirable . Unfortunately, as a 23 year old man I can’t remember what it is like to not have sexual desires and temptations. My mind would be a lot clearer if I didn’t seem to notice every young woman I see in the grocery store!

 

[Primox]

he put me in a wrestling hold

Was he just carrying on? That seems odd, but couples sometimes* play* like this.

 

[Galadhrimarrow]

Thanks kib, that sounds like the kind of book I would benefit from reading.

"Was he just carrying on? That seems odd, but couples sometimes play like this. "

Well, you see, it started as being playful, kinda kidding around and stuff, but he asked me if he could do that to me, told him no, but he came up from behind and clasped his hands together on the back of my neck and then proceeded to lift me up off the ground while I was in his hold. These fine gentlemen in this picture should show you

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

I have abnormal neck curvature and his arms are strong, so it hurt quite a lot . I couldn’t resist, he’s six foot three and weighs almost 300 pounds and I’m tiny, I don’t even weigh one hundred pounds. So imagine the victim in the picture being a tiny girl and there ya go

 

[Primox]

Oh my goodness, well that does sound unpleasant. This should be of consolation though: “He really was a downer, loner, wet blanket, controlling, etc.” - your words - you have a unrepresentative template for the male population (not your fault), but there are great men out there, hopefully one of whom will some day give you a *new *template from which to build your opinion.

 

[mrpathetic]

You definitely need to start associating with other men. Any man who would do this to a woman is despicable. Sorry, that is the most charitable word I can use to describe such a man. He used a pro wrestling move, on a woman? Despicable.

I would never do this to a woman. And the vast majority of men wouldn’t do it either.

Maybe he thought it was funny, but sorry, it sounds repulsive. And dangerous.

Dr. Laura plays a song on her radio program, “I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.” I think it’s an old Dinah Shore tune. Galadhrimarrow, that is what you need to do.

 

[Galadhrimarrow]

Oh my goodness, well that does sound unpleasant. This should be of consolation though: “He really was a downer, loner, wet blanket, controlling, etc.” - your words - you have a unrepresentative template for the male population (not your fault), but there are great men out there, hopefully one of whom will some day give you a *new *template from which to build your opinion.

You know you’re probably right. Where is a good place to hang out with good Catholic people? My church is really tiny and it’s mostly senior citizens and I do know the few young people there. They made fun of my family to my face for the way we go to mass (wearing a veil, the girls wear nice dresses, etc. ) so yeah, I don’t get out hardly at all, it’s really not unusual for me to be at home for weeks at a time, besides going to Mass. That’s why I’m on the internet a lot, it’s my connection to the outside world

And mrpathetic thanks for the recommendation! The song really made my day

 

[SaltySirena]

I can totally relate to what you’re saying though. There are moments when my DH–who is a good Catholic man–forgets himself and comes after me like a cave man. I actually find it pretty repulsive, and push him away til he approaches me in a more respectful manner.

That’s kind of a funny image. Many guys do have a cave-man-like drive - it doesn’t negate respect or love, I don’t think. My demeanor is a tad cavemanish as it is, but I think I would feel dejected if I was denied on that pretence. My love and faithfulness is as strong as ever it could be.

Without approving of the obviously non-consensual even that happened to the OP with her boyfriend, where he put her in a wrestling hold (run, my friend, run hard and fast, and remember that when people have no friends, it’s usually for a good reason!), I have a couple of words for kristie_m here:

My friend, you need to loosen up a bit and give your husband a little more leeway. It might be a lot more fun than you think to play submissive cave-girl who got dragged in by her hair. Sex does not always have to be an elevated spiritual experience. Sometimes it’s just fun, and that’s OK. That’s called the unitive aspect. I can’t imagine telling my husband, after he’s gone caveman on me, that he needs to back down, cool off, and approach me later in a “more respectful manner.” Jeez… enjoy being desired. Primox has it right. If you punish your guy for acting like a guy, you’re going to damage his manhood. Besides, I don’t know of any way to approach someone for sex without basically saying, “I want your body now.”

I mean, come on… we expect them to deny their visual nature and not use porn because it is immoral. We expect them to be completely faithful to one woman in contradiction to the purely biological/evolutionary urge to spread their seed far and wide. We expect a lot from good, solid, Catholic men. Ya gotta let them be a guy sometimes.

 

[kristie_m]

I have a couple of words for kristie_m here:

My friend, you need to loosen up a bit and give your husband a little more leeway. It might be a lot more fun than you think to play submissive cave-girl who got dragged in by her hair. Sex does not always have to be an elevated spiritual experience. Sometimes it’s just fun, and that’s OK. That’s called the unitive aspect. I can’t imagine telling my husband, after he’s gone caveman on me, that he needs to back down, cool off, and approach me later in a “more respectful manner.” Jeez… enjoy being desired. Primox has it right. If you punish your guy for acting like a guy, you’re going to damage his manhood. Besides, I don’t know of any way to approach someone for sex without basically saying, “I want your body now.”

I mean, come on… we expect them to deny their visual nature and not use porn because it is immoral. We expect them to be completely faithful to one woman in contradiction to the purely biological/evolutionary urge to spread their seed far and wide. We expect a lot from good, solid, Catholic men. Ya gotta let them be a guy sometimes.

Salty, I’ve spent a good many years taking back control of my body after suffering years of sexual abuse as a kid. If my husband approaches me in a way that makes me feel like a slab of meat, I have every right to tell him to back off.

Yes, sex can be, and is fun. But it’s a lot less fun when one of you is left feeling like you’re being used. It’s possible to be playful without demeaning your spouse. I don’t need to “loosen up”. Sex is going to be a loving experience for both of us, or it ain’t gonna happen at all!

 

[Primox]

You know you’re probably right. Where is a good place to hang out with good Catholic people?

Haha I wish that I knew. I met my Catholic sweetheart at university. In my area, anyways, protestantism is the leading sect, so all the beautiful young thangs have been recruited to alternative churches. Are you opposed to internet-driven dating / friendships? I hear there are really nice and comprehensive Catholic dating sites out and about if you don’t mind them

Without approving of the obviously non-consensual even that happened to the OP with her boyfriend, where he put her in a wrestling hold (run, my friend, run hard and fast, and remember that when people have no friends, it’s usually for a good reason!), I have a couple of words for kristie_m here:

My friend, you need to loosen up a bit and give your husband a little more leeway. It might be a lot more fun than you think to play submissive cave-girl who got dragged in by her hair. Sex does not always have to be an elevated spiritual experience. Sometimes it’s just fun, and that’s OK. That’s called the unitive aspect. I can’t imagine telling my husband, after he’s gone caveman on me, that he needs to back down, cool off, and approach me later in a “more respectful manner.” Jeez… enjoy being desired. Primox has it right. If you punish your guy for acting like a guy, you’re going to damage his manhood. Besides, I don’t know of any way to approach someone for sex without basically saying, “I want your body now.”

I mean, come on… we expect them to deny their visual nature and not use porn because it is immoral. We expect them to be completely faithful to one woman in contradiction to the purely biological/evolutionary urge to spread their seed far and wide. We expect a lot from good, solid, Catholic men. Ya gotta let them be a guy sometimes.

Mmh, I think this is a fair assessment. I imagine that in some sensitive cases, women (and perhaps in cases with men also), may perceive that love and respect have fallen off the roster because a man’s desire has become apparent. Desire may, in fact, enhance those feelings of love and respect. But in the event of being told to cool it, has anything changed in the man’s heart and mind regarding his beloved? I suspect not in any meaningful way.

Salty, I’ve spent a good many years taking back control of my body after suffering years of sexual abuse as a kid. If my husband approaches me in a way that makes me feel like a slab of meat, I have every right to tell him to back off.

Yes, sex can be, and is fun. But it’s a lot less fun when one of you is left feeling like you’re being used. It’s possible to be playful without demeaning your spouse. I don’t need to “loosen up”. Sex is going to be a loving experience for both of us, or it ain’t gonna happen at all!

Not to be insensitive (but my curiousity is raging now): are these feelings of objectification something you attribute to your childhood experiences or your husband’s behaviour? I mean, is it a special case in which your husband ought to be mindful of the circumstances which you’ve undergone, or should all men stiffle themselves in this regard?

 

[SaltySirena]

kristie, with all due respect, you should have worked through your trauma from sexual abuse before you got married, so that you would not be punishing your husband for it.

 

[kristie_m]

kristie, with all due respect, you should have worked through your trauma from sexual abuse before you got married, so that you would not be punishing your husband for it.

I hardly think insisting on respect from the man I married qualifies as punishment. And FYI…I DID work through it. That is why I am now able to have a say in what happens in the bedroom, rather than just taking whatever comes, and becomming suicidal later.

Regardless of my history, I don’t believe I would want to be objectified…by my husband or anyone else. Yes, I’m glad that he finds me attractive. But I prefer a gentle lead into intimacy, rather than being groped. One makes me feel loved, the other like a slab of meat.

I didn’t come here seeking advice…merely responding to the OP. After nine years of marriage and six pregnancies, I don’t think I need any help in the bedroom. We’ve derailed the thread enough, I think. Perhaps we can now return to the original question.

 

[kristie_m]

Not to be insensitive (but my curiousity is raging now): are these feelings of objectification something you attribute to your childhood experiences or your husband’s behaviour? I mean, is it a special case in which your husband ought to be mindful of the circumstances which you’ve undergone, or should all men stiffle themselves in this regard?

Sorry, I would have responded this this in my last post, but haven’t figured out how to do multiple quotes. Whether this comes from my history or not is almost irrelevant. I think all couples ought to be sensitive to their spouses. If one is feeling objectified by the behaviour of the other, then that needs to be addressed, and the one doing the objectifying needs to stifle it. If one has a particular desire to behave like a savage, and it’s okay with his/her spouse, then by all means, have at it. It’s up to the couples, don’t you think?

 

[Primox]

Sorry, I would have responded this this in my last post, but haven’t figured out how to do multiple quotes. Whether this comes from my history or not is almost irrelevant. I think all couples ought to be sensitive to their spouses. If one is feeling objectified by the behaviour of the other, then that needs to be addressed, and the one doing the objectifying needs to stifle it. If one has a particular desire to behave like a savage, and it’s okay with his/her spouse, then by all means, have at it. It’s up to the couples, don’t you think?

1. You click on the plus in the corner of the comment to add it to the list of quotes you want in your reply when you post one
2. I don’t know that it is irrelevant - of course all spouces ought to be sensitive to one another but you’ve smuggled in your conclusion with the premises (I said “feelings of objectification,” I didn’t mean to say that you were, in all earnestness, being objectified)
3. I think a bias has entered through the vocabulary: I say caveman only for continuity sake - I think the behaviour to be not so much primitive as it is passionate.
4. Punishment, too, may be a bit lofty to describe what it is that you do by telling your husband to cool it, but it adequately describes how it feels. It feels as if acts of passion and desire are invalid and, above all, detestable.
5. If you have the agreement with your husband that you both might pursue the carnal act with a little more etiquette than our drives insist upon, I’m glad it works. I hope that you feel neither objectified, nor your husband emasculated.